


The Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Happiness of a Teenage Wizard

by jadalecki



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Supernatural
Genre: A lot of cannon SPN characters, And there's a lot of cannon HP characters too, Crossover, I tried to be as accurate as possible!, Implied Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Really there's a lot of characters from everywhere if you're observant, Slow Build, Unrequited Debriel, also Michael/Crowley is the weirdest thing I've ever tagged, journal format, kind of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-01-07 19:46:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 64
Words: 92,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1123686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jadalecki/pseuds/jadalecki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Gabriel Shirley moves with his dad and his twin brother Lucifer to England, he thinks life can't get any worse. Then, of course, he goes to Hogwarts, and his entire life manages to go down the drain in the span of a few weeks. Add that to a new mortal enemy, an attractive asshole, mysteriously vanishing clothes, a lot of the hospital wing, and more, and he has a rough year ahead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Someone PLEASE just kill me.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is my first fic here on ao3, so bear with me here! This is written as if Gabriel were writing a journal about his day to day life at Hogwarts, so if you missed the tags and don't like that sort of thing, take your leave! But please, do stay, and tell me what you think! Also, please note that it does get better, so please don't just read the first chapter! Before chapter six, I already had things written before i posted it, so where I am now, it's gotten a lot better! Please enjoy!

Monday, 9/1/13

Remind me never to start these with dear diary. I mean, who the fuck DOES that? Regardless, it’s my first day in England, and it has been mandated that I have a JOURNAL. Woo hoo. Can you hear the sarcasm? It’s fucking rainy here! I hate the damn rain! And Dad has this idea that if I keep a journal, it will ‘show him my inner thoughts,’ or some shit. Whatever.

Either way, I might as well do it. I’m not gonna have much better to do.

So my name’s Gabriel. I come from a family with two divorced parents and two twin brothers. I went with my mom when she moved across America, which was nice because she got remarried and didn’t really care what I did, and my twin brother, Lucifer (I know, who the fuck names their kid Lucifer? Bible nuts, that’s who) went with our dad, which really sucked for him because he’s never around and they don’t get along at all. He even ran away for a year once. It was really funny, but if anyone actually reads this I swear I don’t mean it; I am totally joking, I swear.

But unfortunately for us, good old dad decided he’d take a break from whatever the hell he does in his spare time and move. TO ENGLAND. And mom decided, ‘You know what? Poor Gabriel hasn’t seen his twin enough! Let’s send him over to his dad’s new house. IN ENGLAND.’ I am so fucking angry I can’t even. Lucifer and I barely speak, and we go to the SAME SCHOOL NINE MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR. If he or I had a desire to hang out, we could, but neither of us want to, because we haven’t gotten along in years! But no, obviously we love each other so much and just need time to talk and hang out! Well guess what Mom? FUCK YOU!

I am still here though. And here is sitting in Dad’s car, wishing he would hurry the fuck up and walk out of the door already. I swear to god, if he makes me late on my first day of school I will kill him. And judging by the expression on Luce’s face, he’ll join me.

So it’s still September first, but now, I’m on a train! A real live train! I didn’t even know they still HAD those! It’s seriously cool! All the same, I should probably explain why I’m on a train because I looked back and realized I forgot to mention a key fact. I’m a wizard. A fucking awesome one too. If you’re not a wizard, I swear it’s just a private joke. I swear. If you are though, I’m a wizard too. I mean, no duh, I’m on my way to Hogwarts for god’s sake, but hell, my journal might be one stupid ass son of a bitch, or maybe it’s just a sentient one that needs everything to be carefully explained, like the one Harry Potter stabbed with a snake tooth. You’ll never guess which.

So to explain, Luce and I used to go to an American wizarding school, called the EYWA, or, Emerson’s Young Wizard Academy. I mean, what the fuck, right? To put it loosely, it’s like Hogwarts is the American private school, and EYWA was a public school. It was utter trash. IT SUCKS; IF YOU’RE A WIZARD DON’T GO THERE.

As I stated before, I’m on my way to Hogwarts, while me weirdo twin is sleeping and drooling. If he ever asks, I DID NOT just take a picture of him on my phone. I may be a wizard, but muggle tech is freaking awesome.

Sorry, took a temporary candy break. There is literally a little old lady carting a trolley around, and she sells candy! I bought the whole cart, and shoved some in Lucifer’s bag. Let no one say I’m not at least an okay twin. The rest however, are going straight into my stomach. I love candy more than life itself, if you steal my candy, I WILL EAT YOU INSTEAD. And not the sexy kind of eat, either. Like, I will become a cannibal to exact my revenge. Seriously though, I might either kill you, or start crying and tell on you for something you didn’t do. If you haven’t done anything, guess who’ll do something and blame it on you?

Oh my GOD, have I had a long day. And this is only the nasty beginning. Dear god, how am I going to survive this year?

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? Lucifer has already made an archenemy! I mean, that’s gotta be a new record. Right after I finished writing about my candy philosophy, this guy came in to our little room thing. He was tallish (a little shorter than Luce), and he had dark hair that was cut to make him look like some businessman’s son, so my first thought was rich kid. He looked a little annoyed, but he didn’t look like he was gonna say anything, just leave, but he tripped over my candy, and ELBOWED LUCIFER IN THE FACE. Needless to say, my twin was not happy at all. He immediately woke up and punched him in the face, which shocked rich kid, and they were shouting in five seconds flat. Pretty soon, this shorter, scruffier kid yanked him out of there, but I kid you not, he promised revenge. He was just like, ‘You better watch your back, new kid,’ and Luce said he wouldn’t need to if he was dealing with the other guy, and said other guy looked furious. He wasn’t British though, he was American too. I wonder when he moved here? I’ll probably never figure out, considering he’s my brother’s mortal enemy!

Also, nobody cared to mention to us that you have to get sorted into houses at Hogwarts, and so Lucifer and I had the go running around with all the eleven year olds when we are both sixteen. That was wonderful. Basically, we had to walk in with the little munchkins while everyone else was sitting around, and the headmaster, an old lady named McBatballs or something introduced us. After that, I saw Lucifer’s new enemy glaring at us from Slytherin table, and so I prayed that I, at least, would not go there. 

But no, that’s not how it works apparently. The fucking weird-ass hat told me that I wouldn’t fit anywhere else, so I had to go over there. Great. I mean, they all clapped and shit, but I’m apparently in the most hated group in school. Lucky me. In addition, SO IS LUCIFER. As soon as I heard what the Slytherin house was all about, I knew we’d both be there, but a guy can hope. And so, we both wound up sitting next to each other, not speaking to each other, or anyone else for that matter. By the end of dinner, I realized everyone at our table was glaring at us, and by the smug look on rich guy’s face, it was his fault. I mean, I never thought I would have reason to use the word smug, but it’s the only word that fit his face. Well, that and pale, and maybe even pretty, if he wasn’t such a MAJOR DOUCHE. And from this point on, I vowed to hate him as much as Lucifer does. After all, no one ruins my reputation without gaining some of my hate.

And now, we’re down in our dorm. WHICH IS IN THE DUNGEON. I mean, COME ON! Does everyone here hate the Slytherins? I guess it is their fault after that last big war and all, but that was almost sixteen years ago man! Get over it! At least it’s only Luce and me in here, so we don’t have to worry about sharing with anyone, but still! Our entire house hates us, we hate each other, and I honestly can’t see a single good thing about spending our last year in wizarding school here. I mean, what does Mom expect? Does she think Luce and I are gonna be best friends and have a double wedding after this one, ‘wonderful’ year in England? Fat chance. Emphasis on fat, which I’ll be if I keep eating my own candy. It’s a pity I hate to fly, because that means I’ll actually have to exercise. Damn, I hate exercise too.  
I’m going to sleep, here’s hoping this whole thing was just a nasty nightmare!  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was the first chapter! I promise they get a little more interesting, not much longer than this unfortunately, but please tell me what you think and let me know if there's anything wrong with my Hogwarts; I want to stay accurate after all. Also, any problems or things you don't like, feel free to let me know!


	2. I HAVE NO FRIENDS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello yes I forgot to mention, in case anyone thought I did: I don't own Supernatural or Harry Potter! More notes at the end, sayonara!

Wednesday, 9/3/13

Yeah, yeah, I didn’t write yesterday, but who said I would ever be faithful to a JOURNAL? Not me, that’s for sure. Even though it’s technically the fourth, screw it. I haven’t slept yet, so it’s still the third!

And also, if you couldn’t tell, this whole thing was NOT just a nasty ass dream. I am still here, somewhere in the Scottish moutains, in a giant castle they pass as a school for wizards.

School here isn’t so hard, only a little harder than EYWA, but it has a lot more classes than I’m used to. There are a shit ton more options. But honestly, who would take Astronomy if you have to take it at midnight? When I asked Lucifer, he looked at me and told me it’s because astronomy is star gazing, and that it has to be done at night, but I knew that! I’m not stupid! That wasn’t my question and Lucifer is a dumb fuck. Not me, no way am I a dumb fuck.

Speaking of classes, Lucifer dropped astronomy too, so at least I know he agrees with me, even if he doesn’t admit it. We took different electives, though, I picked Care of Magical Creatures and he picked Arithmancy. I mean, Arithmancy? Really? It’s like magic numbers class or some crap like that! Screw Astronomy, at least that sounds fun if it weren’t at midnight, but Arithmancy sounds like math, and that is fucking nasty. I hate math. Math is shitty. After all, I went to muggle school for the first eleven years of my life, and I learn it from Mom at home, so I think I’ve had enough of it here at wizard school. I AM A STRONG, INDEPENDENT WIZARD WHO DON’T NEED NO MATH.

Ugh, I hate life. My IPod doesn’t work here. Or my phone. Or my laptop. Apparently there’s some spell against muggle technology here, and I have to say: WHAT THE FUCK, MAN? I need my internet time! I would’ve said something to my Norwegian friend Loki if I knew that there was no internet here, but I thought it SO OUT OF THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY that I didn’t say anything! You hear me, old hag? I want my internet!

Even if the old hag sucks, there are some pretty cool teachers around here. The Transfiguration teacher, Professor Weasley is pretty cool. She assigns ass loads of homework though. The Potions teacher is actually so fucking awkward that it’s funny. He this really tall blond dude with a French-y last name that starts with an m. He’s a little strict, but I heard him talking to the old hag about his little boy, who’s either six or seven (I can’t remember), and according to him, the most important thing in his life, so I can’t really dislike him at all. Professor Longbottom is so fucking skittish it’s actually hilarious. Plus, his name is LONGBOTTOM. Really? Today in Herbology Lucifer tripped him and I am honestly ashamed to say I laughed, but I did. I mean, come on, it was really funny. Even though he looked like he might cry, he did spend the next ten minutes lecturing my brother.

Of course, that meant I was alone in a class of people who strongly dislike me, and I got assaulted by my own fucking housemates. No, they did not actually punch me or cast any spells on me or anything, but they were fucking dicks, saying that Luce and I should just go back home. I agree, of course, but I’m still fucking mad. When Professor Pansy came back in, they all went silent. The Hufflepuffs even looked sorry for me. Seriously, just kill me. I don’t need fucking pity, of all things.

I wrote one of my friends from home yesterday, plus Mom and Dad, but apparently they send them with FREAKING OWLS. I mean, really? OWLS? In America, we just used THE MAIL. By the time the damn letter has reached her, she’s going to think I died over the summer or something! Kali is a little overdramatic, which in theory would be great for a guy like me, but when we tried dating it really was not. We shouted at each other constantly, so we’re only friends. I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t wish it had worked out, because damn, she is hot.

On the subject of my parents however, I’m still fucking mad. I hope Mom and Zach can feel the pain they’re subjecting me to through the letter. I didn’t really tell Dad about all the crap going on though, I mean, I know he’s stressed, and I know Lucifer is going to be mad at him for a while, so I just told him some of the good things, like WHATEVER YOU WANT TO EAT WHENEVER YOU WANT IT! It wasn’t hard to learn how to sneak in to the kitchen, and I may be a dick, but I like house elves, so they give me whatever I want. It’s a little hard sneaking down to the kitchen in the first place, but when I saw this 6th year kid with blue hair go in, so I figured it couldn’t be hard to find my way in, so that’s what I spent my day doing. It was surprisingly easy, so ha! I told you I’m not a dumb fuck!

Really, though, when we’re not in classes, Lucifer and I pretty much have to be in our room at all times, BECAUSE EVERYONE HATES US! If we walk in to the common room, everyone starts giggling. If we walk in to the Great Hall for breakfast or whatever, everyone at our table simultaneously branches out to give us the least amount of room possible. It has been driving me CRAZY being stuck in the same room as Lucifer near constantly. I mean, who ever thought we’d get along? All we can do is yell at each other, and I am so done with all of his bullshit. AND IT’S ONLY BEEN THREE DAYS!

On the other hand, Luce has mentioned joining the Quidditch team, which could get him out of the room. On the other hand though, I think he might be killed if he joins the Quidditch team, and they sure as hell won’t make it easy for him to get on the team in the first place. I think he just wants to stop being the loser. At EYWA, he was always the popular one, and I was always the loser, hanging out with Kali and using a bunch of muggle stuff. But here, both of us are alone. Neither of us have any friends, and as little as I care, I think it’s getting to him, and Dad might kill me if anything happens to his favorite son (Even though it would be his fault for moving us here).

I guess if I had to pick anything from home I wish I’d brought, it would be my books. I had a whole fucking stack in my room at home, but I completely forgot to bring any of them, and now I am so bored that I’m sitting up at like two in the morning writing in a journal, for fuck’s sake. God, I don’t like it here. I’m gonna go get another snack, since Lucifer stole a bunch of my trolley candy. Be right back.

Oh my GOD, that was close. So, I went downstairs, and I’m just trying to run as fast as I can while still being quiet, right? So I get down the stairs, and I’m about to sprint across the Great Hall because I’m pretty sure there’s someone behind me somewhere, when I see these other kids going in to the kitchen. So now, the only thought in my mind is SHIT, because I can’t go backwards because the creepy old dude with the cat might be there, but I can’t go ahead, because once again, everyone here hates me, so I really, really didn’t want to go in to the kitchen. So, I decided to be a dumb fuck. I dropped, and rolled under a table, and right then, the old dude and his cat walked in. Then I realized: GABRIEL YOU IDIOT THE GUY HAS A CAT IT CAN SMELL YOU!

I sat there and FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT while the cat sniffed around. I mean, I was practically hyperventilating. After all, I don’t know him! He could be a serial killer, posing as a school… Dude? I don’t even know what his job title is, if he even has one. Hall monitor? Janitor?

Anyway, so I was laying there, under the Gryffindor table, I think, and I’m trying to breathe as quietly as humanly possible. It’s pointless though, because the cat has my scent, and it’s coming straight at me. I resigned myself to my death, but right then, the kids from before walked out of the kitchen! I nearly cried I was so relieved.

So the guy (apparently named Filch? That sounds sexual) starts yelling at the kids, drawing the cat’s attention, and he starts ranting about detention, so I’m just chilling out under a table. And then, he walks them out, back to the Gryffindor common room (and maybe the Ravenclaw one too, I heard him mention it), so I had my chance to escape. As soon as they left, I hauled ass out of there. I lost my appetite pretty fucking quick after that experience, so I’m back in my room now, and I’m pretty sure I’m shaking. I’m actually debating waking up Lucifer, because I’ve had panic attacks before, and if this is a panic attack, it could be pretty bad.

I think I’m just going to go to sleep. I’m freaking out a bit, and I don’t want to start screaming and wake everyone up, so I guess good night?  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was chapter two. I promise, the rest of the major characters get introduced soon, and more shenanigans are on the way! As always, don't forget to comment or leave a review!


	3. I'm Starting to Think I'm in Over My Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! This is the third out of six chapters that i have prewritten, so anything I need to change will likely take place after chapter six! Thanks!

Saturday, 9/6/13

Speaking of head boy, what kind of a title is that? Head boy? Prefects? I mean, really? This school is so fucking weird with it’s houses and fancy titles for good students or whatever. It kind of makes me want to punch the guy/girl who came up with this ass-y system.

Also, I figured out that night that my twin brother had spent his whole day STALKING RICH DUDE, just to find out his fucking name. Jesus Christ Luce, what the hell were you thinking? I don’t know what he was thinking, or if he even was, but he was happy for the first time since we moved to fucking England, so that’s good. He was beaming and looking like he might be a serial killer, and he just burst in to our room and was like, ‘His name’s Michael,’ and I was like, ‘What?’ He just rolled his eyes at me and then proceeded to explain how he had followed him around all day when they weren’t in classes to find out his name.

Also, he mentioned that the scruffy kid who’d yanked him off of Luce in the train was his little brother, named Castiel (Another God loving parent, wow), and Castiel was in sixth year, and had two friends, brothers, named Dean and Sam Winchester. According to him, Castiel and Dean were in sixth year and in Gryffindor, and Dean’s little brother, Sam, was in fifth year, Ravenclaw. Dean and Sam both played on their respective house’s Quidditch team, and both were beaters. They also happened to be the three kids I had gotten put in detention with my smooth skills.

Say what you will about Lucifer, but his spying skills are pretty damn impressive. Why he needed to know Michael’s name, or who his little brother’s friends are, I might never know, but I’m starting to be think Luce may be a little obsessed with Michael. He whines about him incessantly, and always find some weird thing to complain about. And this is, what? The end of our sixth day? God, once again, how will I survive?

Back on track, the fifth, which was yesterday, was pretty normal. Went through classes and shit, had a pretty good day. Oh yeah, something I haven’t mentioned: MY CARE OF MAGICAL CREATURES TEACHER IS A GIANT! It is so fucking cool! Plus that’s my favorite class and we’re gonna see a unicorn which is awesome because there aren’t any in America and we get to hang out with Hipogriffs and it’s really awesome! Lucifer says I’m over excited and the only reason Professor Hagrid seems so tall is because I’m short (5’4” at sixteen isn’t the greatest place to be, man), but I just flipped him off and he rolled his eyes at me, so whatever. I mean, we’re supposed to be twins, but he’s like 5’8” or something and it’s really unfair.

Luckily for me, due to my current situation, Professor Weasley has decided that I don’t have to do this weekend’s essay, which means I get a shit ton of free time to sit with Lucifer in our room and argue, since we can’t leave our room without people throwing things at us! GREAT.

Now on to the WONDERFUL day we had today! There was a game of Quidditch going on outside right after breakfast, just for fun of course, so Luce and I were sitting around watching, because we had nothing better to do. We were making bets on who would win, Gryffindor (plus Sam Winchester) against Slytherin. There were about fifteen on each team, so it wasn’t like a real game at all, but it was still pretty fun to watch guys and girls whack each other around with balls and bats.

After a half hour or so of the game, one of the Slytherin guys got tired. He landed his broom off in the stands above us and asked Lucifer, of all people, if he would take his place. My twin, of course, being the stupid, desperate fucker he is, agreed, grabbed the guy’s broom, and took off to join the game. And he was good. I mean, he was good for the ten minutes or so he managed to do before the broom acted up. I was cheering him on, because I’m not always a dick face, and occasionally throwing rocks at Michael, when suddenly Lucifer just froze on his broom.

I was really nervous, so I turned to ask the guy what the fuck was wrong with his broom, but of course he was gone. Less than a minute later, Lucifer was having problems even staying on the damn thing. I yelled at him to come down, but he didn’t listen. I mean, would it kill him to listen to me sometimes? Now that I think of it, it probably would kill him. It would definitely kill his pride.

Anyway, right after that, I turned for a split second, just to grab my bag so I could fucking leave, but no, some DOUCHEBAG grabbed the back of my shirt and CHUCKED ME OUT OF THE STANDS. I’m pretty sure I heard people screaming, and I know for sure I saw Luce fall off the broom, but then I blacked out (I DID NOT FAINT!). When I woke up again, I was here, in the hospital wing.

WHAT KIND OF SCHOOL HAS A HOSPITAL WING? WHAT KIND OF SCHOOL NEEDS A HOSPITAL WING? This one, I guess, because apparently it has no rules! I was fucking dropped from like 200 feet, and as far as I can tell, NO ONE GOT IN TROUBLE. Good god, I’m starting to think that even the staff hate us.

Whatever. The nurse lady told me that I’ve broken about twenty-two bones, and that she mended them with some spell, but I’m supposed to relax. Yeah, right, lady. She said that Luce only broke five, and that I was lucky someone brought me in before I bled out or something terrible. I tried to make her tell me who brought me in, but she wouldn’t budge. Worse yet, according to Luce, they were all laughing at us. He seems tired, and I really just want to go home, and maybe punch Mom in the face.

It’s infuriating, not being able to get up and walk around. I am seriously hungry, but there’s no food in the damn hospital wing and I missed lunch when I was under, so I’m fucking starving. Just asked Lucifer if he would get me something to eat because he’s allowed to walk around, and he just glared and said no, and that he was hungry too. Well than why the fuck don’t you go GET US SOME FOOD, IDIOT? I have the dumbest dumb fuck of a twin brother ever. EVER. Oh wow, and after all that

So I’m pretty sure I was about to say and after all that he just left, but I can’t quite remember. I was interrupted by my holy hero, and HOLY JESUS. Right when Lucifer left, like five minutes ago, this guy with sandy blond messy hair (a lot like Luce’s, actually) and these gorgeous green eyes walked in and fuck! I thought I’d died for a minute. Plus he had freckles like, EVERYWHERE, and wow. Just wow.

Unfortunately, he seemed to be kind of a dick. Are all of the pretty ones the jackasses? He walked in, looked around, and just asked, flat out, if I made a habit of falling out of the stands. So naturally, I had to correct him (which was hard because HIS VOICE, it was deep!), so I told him I was thrown out, and he LAUGHED AT ME. I wanted to punch his pretty little face. Hard. And of course, he happened to mention he was the one who had the job of carrying me in here, so I’m pretty sure my face was fucking scarlet. Great.

Right then, Michael’s little brother, Castiel walked in, with all his nerdy, messy glory. And I mean, I was pretty fucking sure it had been Michael who’d chucked me from the stands, so I wasn’t pleased to see Big Douche’s little nerd brother. So I made snarky comments at them. And they BOTH glared at me. Honestly, I wound up laughing like a maniac, partly because I think I’m just so done with people’s shit. I mean, god, can’t a guy catch a break from being hated for five damn minutes? Apparently not.

Either way, Castiel told the other guy, who turned out to be his best friend Dean, who I had sacrificed into detention for my own safety, that they had better things to be doing and he was still angry at Michael about something or other. I was tempted to ask what, but then I remembered that he was the little brother of my and my twin’s mortal enemy, and I shut my mouth. I still want to know why he has an American accent, damn it! And Dean too, for that matter. Are there just a lot of American’s here? And damn, Dean might’ve been a pretty big dick, but damn, was he gorgeous, and I am not the type to let gorgeous pass me by without at least a little bit of effort.

All the same, I’m fucking hungry, and I have a feeling I’m gonna be here a while, so unless something interesting happens, I’m just gonna stop here and wait for my fucking twin to bring me food.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed today's chapter! I promise I'll make an attempt at better writing as soon as I get past my prewritten stuff, so thanks a lot, and don't forget to comment!


	4. FUCKING OWLS, MAN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I just spilled a ton of soda in my laptop, so I can't really write very much. I have up to chapter seven written so no worries there, it's just that it might take a little longer to update now, so sorry!

Tuesday, 9/8/13

Someone decided today that it was a great idea to wake me up to one of my favorite songs in the whole world, Heat of the Moment, by Asia. Do I know how they did it? No, but I like it. I mean, I still want to know: is there a fucking music broadcasting spell or something that I missed, because I would like to learn that spell. Seriously though, I know for sure it wasn’t Lucifer, because he started up a steady stream of ‘fuck’s and ‘Gabriel’s as soon as it started. It was funny until he hit me in the face with a shoe. I mean, come on! What’s wrong with Asia? NOTHING, MOTHERFUCKER.

And I mean, Kansas isn’t that bad either, and Mambo No. 5 is a fucking addicting song, but HEAT OF THE MOMENT, MAN. It’s awesome! Unfortunately, Lucifer doesn’t see the point of good music. His loss. I told you he was a dumb fuck!

Back on track, I got out of the fucking HOSPITAL WING last night, and then again about a half hour ago. I’ve already said that I hate that fucking concept, so I’m not even gonna go there. Plus, I haven’t been able to go down and get sweets from the damn kitchen, and I’m craving candy. I mean, seriously, why can’t a man just have candy whenever he wants it? I’m gonna die of cravings, aren’t I? Damn, I sound like a pregnant lady.

But I really do want to know who woke me up to my favorite song in the world. I bet they regretted it as soon as I started singing it at the top of my lungs to annoy Luce, though. I think I woke up my entire house, which doesn’t really bode well for me. Surprisingly though, no one’s killed me yet. I consider that a plus.

So today at breakfast, as usual, people and their stupid fucking mail owls were everywhere, and usually I just ignore them, but not today. Not fucking today, because one stupid fucker had the fucking NERVE to FLY STRAIGHT INTO MY FACE. I fell backwards off the damn bench and my ass hit the ridiculously hard stone floor, all while I was screaming and everyone else was laughing at me, including Luce, who I think was fucking crying he was laughing so hard, FUCKER. I mean, COME ON! Has that never happened before in a school where owls fly at you fucking head 24/7? Really? Needless to say, I am now the punch line to several dozen school jokes relating to owls. FUCK THEM. EXCEPT NOT LITERALLY. God I just need to shut up. IF ANYONE’S READING THIS, DON’T FUCK THE OWLS.

In addition to the above, the fucker ripped one of my favorite shirts. I am so fucking done with the fucking owls, man. On the other hand, though, I got to meet Sexy Winchester’s younger brother. He’s definitely in the middle of a growth spurt, because he’s really awkward and lanky and his voice squeaks, but he was nicer than the other two members of his entourage. Turned out that it was his owl who decided I was prime target number one. He was apologizing a shit ton while everyone else continued giggling. I did get to see Sexy Winchester though, which was a definite plus. I mean, he was yelling at their owl, which was… well, there’s a reason I call him Sexy Winchester. Sam was really nice though, maybe if I’m not a fucking dick I’ll have someone to hang out with sometime. 

And then, of course, MORE FUCKING OWLS. I mean, one just landed on me, so it wasn’t so bad, but I was still sitting on the damn floor. It handed me a letter and booked it, which was smart because I might’ve decided to incendio the thing if it hadn’t left, but the second one dropped a package on my head. I lost it. I started fucking screaming at the top of my lungs about how fucking stupid owls were, and I mean, it was justified! One hit my face, another landed on me, and a third one dropped something on my head! Justified or no, everyone was staring at me, and the teachers gave me detention and sent me to the HOSPITAL WING. AGAIN. The mother fucking nurse asked me if I had any mental problems, for god’s sake! Which I don’t! I’m just very opinionated about owls and hospital wings! Man, this is gonna follow me forever. I’m fucked, and not in a good way.

In other news, the letter was from Dad and the package from Kali, so I actually have stuff to talk about other than a dramatic owl failure. Dad told me he was glad I’m having fun, which, I mean, I do feel bad about lying to him, but like I said before, I know Luce is giving him shit, so I don’t want to tell him how bad life here SUCKS. He told me that he was leaving home for a business trip, and that he’d write me when he got back, but until then not to send anything. I’m not even going to pretend I’m not a little offended, because he’s never cared for me much, and I know it. He just doesn’t want to hear from me all the time.

So Kali sent a bunch of crap in her package to me, so I’m just gonna go through it all. First off, she sent a letter, basically telling me to keep her updated and yelling at me for not telling her in advance where I was, because sure enough, she thought I died over the summer. She asked a bunch of questions about what Hogwarts is like, and honestly, I don’t know how to answer. I mean, it’s gorgeous and magnificent, and the paintings and moving staircases are cool touches, but at the same time, it’s really old and doesn’t utilize any muggle technology at all, which makes it really kind of boring. Also, it means I can’t look up answers online, which fucking sucks.

Anyway, she also sent me some of my favorite candies that they don’t have in Britain. I knew there was a reason I loved her! Seriously, after I opened them I spent my whole day eating them. I’m gonna be so fat after this year, oh my god. Next, she sent me her school picture, and I mean, how beautiful can a girl get? She’s stunning, really stunning, and she’s even tanner than normal from her summer in Spain. I miss her a lot, but if anyone asks, I never even thought that.

God, I just went on a long tangent there! After the candy and the photo, she sent me a couple new books, and man, I love her. Now I have something to do when Lucifer bitches at me! She sent The Fault in Our Stars, which I’ve heard about, and Howl’s Moving Castle, which I’ve seen the movie for. So I like young adult fantasy and romance crap, sue me! They’re good books!

Since I spent my whole day in the hospital wing, I had a lot of time to read and write, so I started my books and wrote Kali back. I decided to wait to send it until I can get some candy from the kitchen to send back to her. I mean, I need to get something to give back to her, I’m not gonna be that friend who never does anything nice. Either way, I asked about life back at EYWA, how she was, if she made any new friends, and then I thanked her for the candy and the books, told her I loved her, and finished it up right as Dean and Castiel walked in with my stuff and a plate of food.

Basically, I just shoved everything in Kali’s box and pushed it under the bed with my foot. I mean, it’d be kind of awkward if they saw me with a journal, wouldn’t it? But they came in and handed me the stuff I’d left at the table this morning, along with all my homework for the day, which they’d gotten from Lucifer. Plus, they brought me food! What’s not to love about that? All they said was that I could go back to my dorm now, and Dean apologized for his raging owl, which was nice. I mean, even if he is a dick, at least he can apologize, which just makes him all the more attractive. Damn it, Gabriel, focus on something other than Dean Winchester! Like all your homework that’s due tomorrow!

After that, I packed up my crap and went back to the dorm, where I was greeted with a lot of hooting from my housemates, and miming of me falling backwards. It was great, really great. I mean, do they ever quit? Now I know why everyone hates my house, because they’re all dicks! I went back to see Luce, and found that he had gotten a letter from Dad twice as long as mine. I told him about what Kali and Dad had said to me, and he told me what Dad had said to him. It was kind of nice, just sitting around talking about our letters and sharing candy. But now, unfortunately, I have a shit ton of homework I should be doing but am not doing, and Lucifer’s asleep.

Oh, just got a new distraction! Why didn’t Mom and Zach write me back? Dad and Kali wrote, but not the people that I live with! I mean, they might just be busy with their girls, but even Meg isn’t that much of a handful… I hope they’re okay… I mean, they are getting kind of old, you know? After all, Zach is like fifty or so, so maybe… GOD THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I WANT TO THINK ABOUT! I don’t want my step dad to die! I have homework!  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter four Complete! Having huge struggles even typing these notes haha! As always, please comment and let me know what to fix!


	5. Home Sweet Home, Asshole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to the latest chapter! I'm here to report that my laptop has made a full recovery, so back to your scheduled reading as usual.

Wednesday, 9/9/13

I swear to fucking god, it’s gotten to the point where the hospital wing is like my home. I mean, I’m in here so fucking often, if anyone is ever looking for me, it’s just gonna be like, ‘Hey, where’s Gabriel? He’s not in his room,’ and it’s just gonna be a truth universally acknowledged that I’ll be in the damn hospital wing. I am so fucking done. SO. DONE.

Back on track I guess, I had an interesting day today. I mean, if you consider interesting to be when you’re yelled at then mobbed and then saved and then yelled at again, then interesting, otherwise, not so much. I am just DONE. I hate it here, and I want to go home, but apparently I don’t have one to go to, since Dad is gone and doesn’t care for me, and Mom and Zach haven’t even written me back, so I doubt they care either! I just… FUCK THE WORLD.

Let’s start from the beginning. I finished my homework at five this morning, and I deemed it too early to sleep. I mean, what would be the point of going to sleep only to get up two hours later, so I took a shower and got ready for the day and crap, only to find out that my brother wasn’t even in the room when I got out of the shower. I have no idea where he went, since we haven’t had a chance to really talk all day! At least I know he doesn’t fucking hate me, but still!

After the case of the missing brother, I straightened up our room, read my books, ate candy, and then finally went to breakfast and crap. I mean, I was tired, but not too tired, so I just kind of endured it. Lucifer wasn’t at breakfast either, which was really annoying, honestly. Nothing happened all morning which was great. The problem was in class later. I think it was Potions, but I honestly can’t remember. I got hit in the back of the head with a damn CHAIR, after all!

Right, beginning. Anyway, I was sitting around in whatever the hell class this was, and I mean, I didn’t sleep last night, so I just kind of nodded off, and all the sudden I’m waking up to a teacher yelling in my face about how it’s not okay to sleep in his class and I might get injured or something. I was still tired, so I just kind of spaced and nodded until he got to the part about taking points away and detention, and I paid just enough attention to figure out when and where my detention would be, and then I just ignored the teacher again. After all, what do safety warnings matter, Gabriel? Jesus I’m stupid. Someday I’m gonna meet someone named Jesus, and he’s gonna be so annoyed with me. I mean, I say Jesus a lot. And I say I mean a lot too. Oh man, I just looked back at my other entries, I say I mean like every other sentence! Wow.

Right, I’m still a little disoriented here, so forgive me for the Jesus tangent there. Professor whoever went back to teaching after YELLING AT ME IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CLASS, and in addition, all of my housemates were glaring at me because I had just lost them twenty points. After that, who should walk in the fucking classroom but Dean Sexy Winchester, saying something about the teacher needing to go help Professor Weasley with a problem, and that it wasn’t an innuendo. I don’t know. What I do know is that as soon as the professor walked out, I made a bitchy comment or something, and a kid from behind me came up and hit me over the head with his chair. It was a lot more painful than you might think, considering it was plastic and shattered on impact. Make stronger chairs, people! Or maybe they just hit me really hard. I mean, I have survived some pretty hard hits, but there was PLASTIC IN MY SCALP. Still is, actually, I yanked out another piece just now.

So I got hit with a chair, and I mean, if that wasn’t bad enough, suddenly spells are flying all over the place and I’m laying on the floor with Lucifer ducked over me and shaking me, and really I don’t remember much else from that five minute burst of all out agony. I know that I feel really happy that Luce even bothered trying to protect me, but I don’t remember anything from the actual event. A couple minutes later, the old hag came in with the professor, and I think there was another one too, but I couldn’t see very well with my vantage point from the floor. I heard talking and yelling and some other shit, but once again, I was really out of it, so I wasn’t paying attention. Luce was trying to say something to me while simultaneously yelling across the room, but I didn’t really get anything he said other than ‘Please god don’t let my brother be dead.’

Before I could really register what was happening, I was scooped off the floor by DEAN FUCKING WINCHESTER and carried into the hall, where Castiel was loitering awkwardly. They must be pretty tired of my sorry ass, I guess. Even so, he carried me back down to the hospital wing, talking quietly to Castiel. When we actually reached the fucking doom room, Castiel talked to the nurse and Dean settled me in a bed and cleaned his hands with a quick spell. He took off, and the nurse lady set to work pulling the fucking plastic out of my head. I mean, I can cross off having plastic embedded into my head off my bucket list, because that was a first, and in my family, not a lot of violent things are firsts anymore.

When she finished with that, she woke me up, and Dean Winchester was standing in the corner, having a quiet conversation with ‘Cas’ about how he wanted to say something and he shouldn’t wait up for him. Sure enough, little nerd took off. I think I made a comment about how if he wanted to talk to me his wish was my command or something, I don’t remember, but he walked over and FUCKING SLAPPED ME, which hurt like a mother fucker. He started yelling at me about how I should be more careful and I had to be a total idiot to wind up in here so often and how I just needed to stop being a fucking idiotic loser.

For the first two seconds, I was a little touched that he’d worried, a little embarrassed maybe, but after that it was all anger and frustration. I screamed right back at him about how I was none of his business and I didn’t need him to be my damn chauffeur or something and he wound up stalking, I kid you not, STALKING, out. I mean, I’m not any of his business! My business is mine and mine alone, I don’t need the fucking Righteous Man coming in here and telling me what I should and shouldn’t do! And it’s not like I have a choice! It’s not like it’s my fault that nobody likes me here! God, nobody sees it! I never asked to come here, in fact I begged for the opposite, so I don’t see why people hate me so much for being here when I DON’T EVEN WANT TO BE.

Ugh. Anyway, Lucifer came to visit me, and honestly, it was kind of nice. He was a little bruised up, and there was a cut across his cheek, but he smiled when he saw me, and spent some time with me, trying to figure out if I was okay and stuff. He told me that everyone involved with the fight had gotten detention, but he and I had gotten out of it because I was the victim and he was freaking out. I laughed when he told me that, because I know Lucifer, and I would bet money that he was faking that freak out. He did look really relieved though, and his eyes seemed kind of red… My brother wouldn’t cry over me though; I’m not that stupid. Not even head trauma could make me that stupid.

I ranted to him about Dean Winchester, and he offered to beat him up for me. I told him no, but that is a nice thought, isn’t it? Seeing his pretty face bruised and his fucking smug grin wiped off his face would be a great Christmas present. I told Luce so, and he said he would if I gave him Michael’s head on a plate. I wish, I so wish. I know he didn’t hit me with the chair; he was in front of me, but I mean, he still sucks, and I still think he dropped me out of the sky at that Quidditch game, so I’d be happy to serve up his head to my brother. And of course that sounds really fucking dirty.

Lucifer left shortly after our conversation about heads and killing people, but I wasn’t alone for long, which kind of sucked, but it was nice too. A little after Luce left, Cas and Sam walked in, with Michael standing guard outside the door. They were pretty nice, if a little stiff. I mean, Castiel was a giant asshole when I first met him, and his brother is evil, so I was justified! But he apologized for himself and his brother, and Sam was nice enough to grab me some food, so that was pretty cool. When his royal highness himself finally walked in, Cas and Sam ditched, which was GREAT because I totally wanted to be alone in a room with my mortal enemy. He sat down by my bed and didn’t say anything at all, but he did pick through my hair a little to yank out a couple more bits of plastic. I don’t really know why he thought that was a good idea; maybe he thought I would forgive him, but I’m not gonna be that easy. He’s still the giant douche that somehow made everyone hate my brother and me on our first day in a new place, and I’m not gonna forgive him for making me feel like I don’t belong.

He did tell me, however, what was going on, and that was a little heartwarming. The whole thing was kind of a big duel between the Gryffindors, who felt the need to defend my honor (fucking Gryffindors, being all noble), and the rest of my house, who were fucking angry, as per usual. According to Michael, it wasn’t really only me, it was just the fact that it had happened in front of all the Gryffindors, because apparently we were in a double class period with them? I guess that’s kind of cool, because even if my own house doesn’t care for me, apparently the Gryffindorks have my back.

So that’s really all for today. I think this is the first time I’ve ever had two consecutive days, which is cool, I guess, but right now I just wish I had my books and my candy or SOMETHING vaguely entertaining. Right now, all I’ve got is a sweet girl in the other room singing, which would be great if she weren’t tone deaf.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Five complete, and yes, reading back now, I went overboard with this chapter, I know, but please bear with me, I promise it gets more realistic in the coming chapters and not as stupid, I swear.


	6. I Think My Masculinity Has Been Revoked

Monday, 9/14/13

So I’m back in my room again, and it’s a really great feeling, except for going back to classes. For once it’s only like nine and I have no homework (because I made Lucifer help me), so I’m hanging out and writing about my joyous life. Fun, right? Except it’s not. At all. Lucifer took off somewhere again and I keep forgetting to ask where he was on Wednesday morning. Once again, today he was gone when I got out of the shower, in addition to quite a few other things, but I’ll get there.

First off, I haven’t been really busy or anything, just resting. I was alone in the hospital wing for five days, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. It was kind of cool, I guess. Luce kept me company when he could, nobody bothered me, and I didn’t have to see Dean Winchester. Plus, the nurse lady, Madame Pomfrey? She’s really super cool. She taught me a couple little healing spells while I was out of commission, and I think she likes me, which makes one person.

Also, it was Potions class, I know because Professor Frenchy came in to see if I was okay. I apologized for disrupting his class and falling asleep, and he told me that as long as I didn’t do it again, it was okay. What? I can be polite if I want! I asked him about his son after that, and he talked about the kid for AN HOUR. Lucky kid, his dad loves him more than anything else. He did give him this weird ass name, Scorpio or something, and I mean, that’s pretty fucking weird, but eh, whatever floats your boat.

So I got back to my room this morning, and Lucifer smothered me as soon as I walked in, of course. Surprisingly, no one bothered us. For a little while I thought it was because they’d learned their fucking lesson, but no, not at all. They’re all still giant dicks.

After that, I went to take a shower, because being in the hospital wing for almost a week with people periodically pulling plastic out of your head doesn’t give much opportunity to shower. Of course, when I got out, my twin had disappeared, and I think by this point he either has a secret lover or he’s stalking someone, and I can’t tell which option is worse, honestly. Either he wants to kill someone, or he spends his mornings and afternoons making out with someone, and that’s not a mental picture I wanted AT ALL.

Of course, in addition to my twin, a bunch of my stuff was gone. Nothing too personal, just some food I had collected from the kitchen AND MY ENTIRE CLOSET FULL OF CLOTHES. THEY TOOK MY CLOTHES! And what did they leave in place of my whole wardrobe? Women’s clothes. Panties, tights, the whole nine yards. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK? Not only did they take ALL the clothes I brought from home, even my fucking underwear, they also took my school uniform, and replaced it with a girl’s uniform. So now I only own girl’s clothes, and I don’t know how to transfigure clothing. I mean, come on! I no longer own any pants, for god’s sake! They’re all skirts now!

And, because I was not going to class naked, I put on the damn panties, tights, skirt, and the whole shebang, and I honestly just tried to pull my robe as close to me as possible, so hopefully no one would notice I was fucking cross-dressing. I shouldn’t have expected it to work; after all, it was my house that set it up, so naturally they’d be waiting to see it. And they were waiting. Just about every single member of Slytherin house, plus Castiel and DEAN FUCKING WINCHESTER, was waiting in the common room. Every one was dead fucking silent, even me for once. I just had to walk past them and ignore them, so that’s what I did. 

I walked out of there, and went straight down to breakfast, where my brother was sitting at the Slytherin table all alone. I could feel everyone else staring at me too, so basically I sat as fast as possible and begged Lucifer to let me borrow his clothes. AND THE FUCKER SAID NO. He laughed at me and said first that he didn’t want to, and that his clothes probably wouldn’t even fit me, the asshole! Then he had the nerve to ask me if I was wearing panties! I mean, who does that? You don’t just ask a guy flat out if he’s wearing panties! I ignored him, but I think he got the message because he started laughing harder.

I had to go through all of my classes today wearing a skirt and tights and lace panties, for god’s sake! I mean, they were comfortable, but that’s not the point! I am the laughing stock of not only my own house now, but THE ENTIRE SCHOOL! The people who aren’t in my house think that this was my fucking choice because they don’t know that someone fucking stole my clothes! Some guy in my DADA class thought I was a girl and slapped my fucking ass when I walked by, so I yelled at him and got detention, of course. OF. COURSE. You don’t give the guy detention for sexually harassing a guy who’s unfortunately dressed like a girl, instead you give me detention for being angry about it. Plus, Lucifer and Michael were both giggling at me all day, so there’s THAT. Seriously, I’m starting to think there might be a love/hate relationship going on there. They both enjoy laughing at me when something fucks up.

I mean, why me? Is it because I’m gorgeous in girl’s clothes, or did they think I’d be embarrassed? I mean, I am, but that’s beside the point! Why me and not Lucifer? I checked, his clothes are fine, so did someone just hate me in particular? I have no idea, but I am going to fucking make this work. I’m gonna fucking WORK IT. I’m going to put all of the ladies at Hogwarts to SHAME with my fabulousness, I swear it. Unfortunately, this will probably involve shaving my legs and arms to be gorgeous, but I can do that. After all, how hard can it be?

I did get another letter back from Kali today too, which was a nice bonus after my third hospital wing stint in about two weeks. Seriously, three times in two weeks! That has to be a record! But really, she was really sarcastic and told me that school sucked without me, and that she was really lonely without me around, which really sucked. She told me she had a feeling I’d forgotten my books, and thanked me for the sweets I sent to her, which was nice. She asked about Lucifer and if I’d made any friends, which I laughed aloud at.

When I wrote her back a little bit ago, I told her about everything. All the bullies, my time spent in the hospital wing (really, who the fuck decided that there should be a hospital wing?), the women’s clothes, Dean Winchester, the lack of technology, how lonely I am, how annoying Luce is, everything. I mean, we’re supposed to be best friends, and I haven’t been telling her the majority of what’s going on in my life. It’s weird; I guess I’m just used to seeing her in person, so it feels weird to have to tell her these things, because before, she was present for everything that happened in my life. Now that she’s not here in person, I feel like I don’t know how to talk to her, and I guess that’s weird?

I did my detention at seven; it was only cleaning up the DADA classroom, so no big deal there. I did run into Dean and Cas on their way back up to their common room, but they didn’t speak to me, thank god. I mean, Dean is a giant jackass for thinking he should have a say in my life, and I don’t want to talk to him, honestly. He does have a nice ass though, nobody’s debating that one, not even me. Oh, who am I kidding, ESPECIALLY not me. He has a nice ass, nice arms, nice muscles, nice abs, nice freckles, nice eyes… Damn it, why are the hot ones the mega dicks? Plus, I may or may not have heard him talking about how much he likes girls in skirts, and that may or may not have influenced my decision to keep wearing said skirts and trying to look good in them.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was chapter six, thanks for hanging around! I'm thinking of doing an extra later, maybe from one of the other character's points of view, maybe so you guys can see what Gabriel isn't seeing. Does that sound okay? Please comment and let me know what you think! I love you guys!


	7. What Does Normal Even Mean, Anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New POV extra is a go! It'll be set after chapter ten!

Tuesday 9/21/14

What do you mean it’s been a week? How dare you accuse me of not writing? No, I’m just kidding, it’s just there hasn’t been a whole lot of actual news around here, so I’m just kind of running around in a bored stupor. Stupor. That word looks weird.

Anyway, it’s Tuesday again, and as it seems to do every Tuesday, Heat of the Moment was playing! I think Luce might want to kill me or whoever does it every Tuesday, but I don’t care. Sure, my brother may or may not have tried to strangle me, but you know, WHATEVER. I’m still annoyed with him for that. I think it’s time to get out some of the firecrackers I brought with me…

Yeah, not now though. It’s Tuesday night and I finished my homework, so I thought why not? So here I am, catching up on my writing. Let’s start at the beginning, as I forget to do so often!

So after the events of last week, I took it as a personal responsibility to pull off women’s clothes. I even shaved my legs for it, which let me tell you, it’s a lot harder than it looks. I mean, wow. I have a new respect for women, because I cut my leg in four different places and I wound up screaming in the shower because shampoo got in one of my leg wounds. Either way, my actual clothes are back now, so I guess they got tired of me being fucking weird, but I mean, I’m having fun, and this is my last year at wizard school, so I’m going to go around wearing skirts for the rest of… Well, maybe not the rest of the year, but for a while. Hell, they’re actually pretty comfortable, and it’d be great if Lucifer didn’t KNOW I have my clothes back, because he thinks it’s funny to fucking tease me about it. One of these days I’m just gonna switch out his clothes, see how he likes it.

A long time ago, I wrote that Luce wanted to try out for the Quidditch team. Well, he did. AND HE ACTUALLY MADE IT IN! He’s a Beater, apparently, and I’m really proud of him. I mean, he is a giant dick, but he is my twin brother, and I’m really happy he has something that he can do instead of annoy me. I may or may not just be really happy to be rid of him. He’s been complaining even more than usual now though, because he has to deal with Michael’s face every day and it bugs the crap out of him. To be honest, it’s hilarious. I swear they have sexual tension; I’d swear it on my candy stash. Stash. That’s a weird word too.

If you can’t tell with all my babbling about weird words, I’m really bored. Right at this very moment, I’m sitting in my room while Lucifer showers because there’s nothing better to do. I might sneak back down to the kitchens, but after last time, I’m not sure I wanna do that again. Off topic, right, back to the story!

I’m doing pretty well in all my classes, I guess. The Potions teacher, Professor Malfoy (I finally got his name down!) actually likes me well enough if I pay attention, and he gives me all the extra credit I need. I’m not fantastic at Potions, but nobody can fail a class that does a lot of extra credit, not even me. Care of Magical Creatures is so fucking cool I can’t even. We’ve been working with Hipogriffs lately, and Professor Hagrid’s trying to let us see a baby unicorn. Plus, he says he knows a guy who could bring in a fucking DRAGON for us to see! I am so fucking excited to be in his class, dammit! Lucifer thinks it’s annoying and weird, but whatever! I like animals, so fuck you too, Luce!

Professor Weasley walked up to me on my second day of female clothing and told me that it was okay to be who I was. I was the one put in the unfortunate position of having to say ‘Yeah, no, people took my clothes and now I have a bet with myself, this isn’t really voluntary,’ and she looked really embarrassed. I felt kind of bad, but then she assigned me an extra essay and I stopped feeling bad. Ugh. That essay took like two hours. I mean, who assigns a random essay for no apparent reason?

Oh yeah, I forgot one of the most awkward moments of this last week. I almost don’t want to write it, to be honest. I mean, my journal, my choice, right? That sounds like an abortion ad. Anyway, this was on Saturday, so I was walking around in one of my ‘new outfits.’ Lucifer was somewhere behind me, babbling on and on about Michael’s dickishness and all around awfulness, when we turned the corner and ran into said awful dick, along with Castiel, Dean, and Sam. Since I had been attempting to avoid Dean and I was pretty sure Lucifer and Michael would try to kill each other, I just kind of dragged Luce along with me, but then my wonderful lack of fucking grace showed itself and I tripped down the stairs, and since I was holding on to Lucifer, he came flying down the stairs after me.

Sam and MICHAEL, of all people, ran down the stairs after us to see if we were okay, which we were, it was only about ten carpeted steps, but I had some rug burn and Luce had twisted his wrist a bit. Either way, they helped us up, which Lucifer HATED, and we walked away. When I turned back around, I realized that both Dean and Cas were staring at me, and Dean’s face was scarlet. Of course, I didn’t know what I’d done, so I asked Lucifer, and he just turns to me and is like, ‘Oh, yeah, you flashed them. I’m pretty sure they saw right up your skirt.’ Of course, I started blushing and trying to find something to say. When I couldn’t, I settled on flipping both Lucifer and Dean off. My shit headed brother, of course, was giggling too hard to notice.

Still no letters from my mom… I have to say, I’m a little worried. I mean, I sent her a letter, and she always makes time for me, and if she can’t then Zach would. My mom’s a business lady; she wouldn’t just not respond. Maybe she’s been trying to call me? Which, I mean, that’s useless considering NO MUGGLE TECH, but she doesn’t know that. Maybe she just thinks I’m not picking up. Maybe she thinks I hate her now. I don’t fucking know, but I wish I could just call her. She may be really strict, but I do miss hearing her voice.

Speaking of letters, Kali wrote back, telling me basically that I’ve been a whiny bitch lately. Well screw you too, Kali. I mean, I’ve had reason to whine lately! But I told her I loved The Fault in our Stars, and told her to send me more books. She’s my lifeline to the outside world right now.

I did finish The Fault in Our Stars on Friday, and I’ll be honest: I bawled. I sat in the shower for an hour just so Lucifer wouldn’t tease me about it. Damn it Augustus! I swear to god I’m not a romantic, I swear. I loved the book though, and now I think I need to look into John Green some more. Seriously, I just fucking cried over a fictional character. Does that make me pathetic? Was I pathetic in the first place? I don’t know, honestly.

I wish I could say anything interesting was going on right now. But no, I’m sitting in my room alone writing in a journal. Luce is out flying at nine at night for some reason, but whatever. I’ll laugh if he crashes into a pole. I think I’m gonna go down to the kitchen. After all, curfew just started, so I doubt Filch (again, sounds sexual) is gonna be wandering around near the kitchen right after curfew.

So I’m back now. And no, Filch was not wandering around near the kitchen, Dean Winchester was. Believe me, it was really fucking awkward. I walked in to the kitchen and grabbed a couple sweets, and of course right when I turn around, the door opens and Dean walks in. We both kind of stared at each other for a minute, then I think I said something about how weird it was that we were in the same place at the same time, and he actually smiled. SMILED. His smile is gorgeous too oh my god. Seriously, he smiled at me, and it was pretty! I’m lucky I didn’t faint from the sheer brightness. Right after that though, he asked what my new hobby was about, and I was confused and then he just kind of gestured at me. Then, of course, was when I realized he meant the women’s clothing, and I just kind of groaned and glared at him. I told him that it was a bet I had with myself and that was it, but he didn’t look convinced, so I took the opportunity to run the fuck away. He called after me, but I ignored him, which I feel only slightly bad about and I am not curious about what he was going to say. At all.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seven chapters down, and I'm not even done with the first month yet! I get the feeling this'll be a long fic.


	8. I Almost Wish I Could Make Out With Dean Winchester

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter. Woops!

Saturday, 9/25/13

Yeah, okay, maybe almost is an understatement, but I mean, I can pretend, can’t I? He may or may not be the hottest guy I have ever lain eyes on, and he’s just… UGH man I fucking hate hot men especially hot, most likely STRAIGHT men. I like both guys and girls, so I mean the easy answer is find someone else to focus on, but believe me, I’ve been trying! I just… can’t. Oh god, please tell me I’m not in love with this guy three weeks into the school year. Please, please, please?

In other news, Lucifer has been way busy with Quidditch, practicing at every opportunity, which has given me plenty of time to hang out by myself and read. I finished Howl’s Moving Castle and loved it, so now I’m in desperate need of new books. I guess I’ll have to write Kali about it again, but I haven’t gotten a letter back yet, so I’ll wait. He also has been avoiding me, for good reason, but still! Luce has gone back to leaving in the early hours of the morning, and he won’t even talk to me, much less let me ask what he’s been doing after I, well…

Well, I blew up his bed. ON ACCIDENT, I SWEAR! I didn’t mean to, I just kind of… did? He wasn’t in it or anything, but remember how I mentioned firecrackers last entry? Well, I put them under his mattress with a timer on them to go off in a couple minutes, and I mean, they worked, but they worked a little too well. They blew a giant whole in the mattress and lit it on fire, so while I was screaming, Lucifer and Michael burst in and simultaneously started yelling at me while some other kid put out the fire. I got detention, and I felt like an utter idiot, and now Lucifer is treating me like I am an abomination from fucking Mars. Oh yes, and I got detention with DEAN WINCHESTER.

Detention was on Friday, and I mean, I was stuck in a classroom alone save for Dean while we cleaned the whole place from top to bottom. I think I may or may not have accidentally flashed him again, because I forgot the length of this damn skirt, but I can’t find it in me to care other than he might’ve been looking at my ass, which is a nice thought. But really, we had a semi pleasant conversation until I made some comment, and then we were silent for the next three hours. Congratu-fucking-lations, me. I am the smoothest mother fucker ever. Really.

On the other hand, Sam is pretty cool. He’s a really smart kid, only in his fifth year, but he already knows way more than I do. He’s been hanging out with me a little lately, and it’s kind of cool having someone other than Lucifer to talk to. I have to admit, I was really pretty lonely around here, so having Sam is nice. He’s no Dean, but he’s still cool to hang out with. He doesn’t even mind my rants about his lovely brother, and that’s refreshing. He even told me (FINALLY) why everyone here has an American accent! He said that after the war, a lot of wizarding families moved to Britain for the better education standard after it was peaceful again. He and Dean, who were family friends of Cas and Michael’s family, moved with them, but he wouldn’t tell me why. Either way, they moved here a little later than everyone else, but they still came when they were sure they had magical kids. I am so fucking grateful for that piece of information you don’t even know. Not like you can think, but whatever.

I hadn’t planned to write this, but… Nobody’s gonna read this except maybe Luce later in life, and definitely not any time in the near future, so what I say now won’t matter, will it? I mean, if it’s just my private thoughts, why would it matter what I write here? So I guess here goes? Oh my god this is so awkward to write, but I have started jerking off to Dean in the shower. Sue me, okay? I… I don’t really know what the fuck it is with him; he’s frustrating and rude but I just can’t help it. He’s one of the hottest people I’ve ever met in my life. It’s utterly infuriating, and I just don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I can’t just say anything about it to Luce because I don’t know what he’d do. I really wish I had a friend here that wasn’t DEAN WINCHESTER’S FUCKING BROTHER. I think I might be going insane.

Am I going insane? I don’t know, but I think I am. I don’t get much sleep anymore, and all I can focus on lately is reading and writing. I must’ve tripped down the stairs at least five times in the past couple days, and I mean, I’m not the most elegant person ever, but I feel weird. I don’t know what it is. I haven’t been able to go down to the kitchens at night lately either because when I tried yesterday, I psyched myself out so much that I started to cry in the hall and almost got detention. I’m a little freaked out to be honest, but I think I’ll live. Hopefully.

I hate owls. I have also come to the conclusion that the one I sent to my mother and step father died on the way there, because really? There is no way they wouldn’t have written me back unless they were both dead, and my mom knows how to protect herself. No way she could be dead. I sent her another letter, this time asking about where the hell they were and why they hadn’t responded. I probably complained about life here more than what was absolutely necessary, but I mean, she has literally abandoned me here, the least she could do would be to respond to me! I miss her.

But really, you’d think after years they’d have a better mail system than owls! After all, one CRASHED INTO MY FACE. I mean, hasn’t that happened to anyone else over the YEARS they’ve been doing this? My face hurt forever after that! Really though, my point here is that now Lucifer wants to buy one, and I want to kill him. I mean, really? COME ON. I think he just wants it so he can laugh at me and my reactions, but I’m not giving him the chance. No way. I think he’ll buy one just to piss me off, too, maybe buy it for himself for Christmas. Neither of our families really celebrate Christmas a whole bunch, so we tend to buy ourselves things for Christmas, and occasionally Luce and I will send things to each other, but in school we never actually acknowledged the gifts or anything, so I doubt this year will be any different. Maybe we’ll actually talk this year, though. I doubt it.

God, I’m really sorry. This whole entry has just been scrambled, just like my mother fucking brain lately. Dean Winchester is just fucking up my system, and as much as I’d like that statement to be literal, it’s not. I’ve been harsh, rude, unhealthy, tired, and all around upset lately, and it’s all his fault. I never wanted to get a crush here, but lo and behold, it happened. Fuck me up the damn ass. God, I’m apologizing to an inanimate object for being my normal snarky self. Someone punch me; I need some sleep and I think being knocked out might be my only way to get some now.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, chapter eight! By this point, we've passed everything I wrote before I even posted the story, so the writing from seven on should be better than what was before it. Also, I think I'll do another extra when I reach chapter twenty/twenty-five, because I actually have an idea for another extra! Look forward to the first one (chapter eleven)


	9. So It's Finally October

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy brithday, Dean Wicnhester! I needed to post a chapter on his birthday, so here it is, two chapters in two days!

Friday, 10/1/13

Yes, it’s been a whole month here at Hogwarts! Bring out the bells and whistles! I mean, seriously, I almost can’t believe it. I’m pretty sure that if Luce knew I was writing in a journal, not only would he laugh at the journal part, but also at the point that I’ve only written in it eight times, not counting this one, over the course of a month. Well, suck it Luce, because my life ain’t that interesting, bro. Not like he reads this, at least I hope not, because then I think I might die of fucking embarrassment. There’s only so much you can share with your brother who you don’t even get along with without it getting really damn awkward.

For example, the fact that I may or may not have been having really awkward and quite possibly sexual dreams involving Dean Winchester. I wish it would stop, but I mean, it’s not like it isn’t enjoyable, just really awkward to have something that hopefully isn’t a crush on a guy that you simultaneously hate. I hate him, I swear I do, he’s just really hot too, and I won’t deny that I tend to be more sexually frustrated than your average person, considering my social status, but it’s unnatural to be this attached to this guy. Maybe I really am nuts, but since they have a hospital wing and not a councilor or a THERAPIST OR ANYTHING, I’m stuck. The only applicable word for this situation is fuck.

On a lighter note, my classes are going well, so that’s great. All the extra credit in Potions is adding up, Professor Weasley hasn’t said anything about my choice of attire, Professor Longbottom (haha LONGBOTTOM) has grown a spine, and finally, Hagrid finally got us a unicorn! It’s only a baby, so it’s golden, and it’s so fucking cool! The mom is somewhere too, but I’m not feminine enough for it to like me, so I hang with the baby one. We have to take notes on them and write an essay, but I have to say this is one essay I don’t mind! I’d never seen one before, so basically this whole thing is fucking awesome! They’re really pretty, and I even convinced Luce to come out and see them with me, even though he’s still mad. He still wouldn’t talk to me, but he was smiling, and that’s good enough for me. We’ve never really gotten along, contrary to the myth that twins are always perfectly in sync and love each other unconditionally, but as long as we get along enough so that I can show him some of my interests and he shows me some, then we’re good in my book.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my twin, but I mean, since the divorce, really even since our parents stopped being ideal, we haven’t gotten along. There was a time in our childhood when we were those twins that finished each other’s sentences and slept in the same bed and always sat next to each other on the bus, but we haven’t been like that in years. I mean, I am a little sad, but we’re different now. I like girly books and animated movies, and he likes sports and making fun of me. God, it’s like that one Taylor Swift song, except without the romance. We’re polar opposites now, and I don’t think it’s gonna change because we live in the same room for the first time in years and we both have a lack of friends.

Dammit, transitioned back into mildly depressing. Woops. Anyway, no new letter from Kali. I was getting bored and annoyed waiting for her, so I sent her another letter (FUCKING OWLS, IT CLAWED MY FACE) telling her to respond and that she isn’t allowed to ignore me, and she has to send more books and some specific Halloween stuff from back in the States. Specifically, exploding and other varieties of harmful candy, plus a couple other objects meant for my own personal brand of trickery. I mean, they don’t kill or maim or anything, so what’s the harm of having a little fun? Well, I might set off my entire house again, but I think if I’ve survived this first month, I can survive anything!

Luce is still ignoring me, as I mentioned. I’m getting really lonely now, though, because he’s been making some friends on the Quidditch team, and that means that all the time he used to spend in the room with me is gone. Instead, he comes in only to go to sleep and shower, then he’s with the Quidditch guys—minus Michael, of course, who seems to be in a constant state of jealousy when my brother is around, and I think he might be losing ground in the Quidditch team. I think it’s best to avoid them, especially when they’re around each other. They get violent.

I think I might just move to the hospital wing. As pointless as it is to have a FUCKING HOSPITAL WING, I’m in it more often than not. I went back the other day with a black eye and bruises lining my neck, courtesy of Lucifer. I never said we had a healthy relationship, after all, and I’m just proud that I managed to get him back a couple times with some little pranks. I think it made him even madder, though. He tried to strangle me only a couple days ago, so I think I might actually ask to stay in the hospital wing for a little while. We’ve always been violent with each other; well, I mean, not always, but since the divorce, we’ve taken to smacking each other around and fighting violently, which doesn’t please our parents, but we can’t stand each other any more. On our tenth birthday, he threw me down the stairs at our dad’s house, and I went to the hospital for a couple days while I got stitches and recovered. Of course, Luce cried and didn’t leave my side for the next two weeks after that, but like I said, we don’t have a healthy relationship anymore. I miss my twin brother.

God, sorry for being such an emotional wreck. I didn’t think it would happen, but there was a part of me that was hoping we could be brothers again, y’know? But anyway, that doesn’t matter anymore. I’m done with that.

Right, I was supposed to be on a happier note. Well, I’ve got one today! So I was talking to Sam earlier today, and he was saying that he and his brother both missed home during the school year, and he was talking about his long distance muggle girlfriend, Jess. It was really cute listening to him talk about her, it was just like, ADORATION WAVES, hitting me straight in the face. But anyway, he was talking about Jess, and I just HAPPENED to ask if Dean had a girlfriend back where they live, and he looked up and laughed a little, so I asked him what and he said that he’d had a BOYFRIEND last year, but they’d broken up at the beginning of Dean’s fifth year. BOYFRIEND. DEAN WINCHESTER IS NOT STRAIGHT! I might seriously throw a party! It took literally everything I had not to get up and scream like a little girl. I think Sam thinks I’m crazy now, but I don’t care! I am a part of my crush’s sexual orientation! That’s something to party about.

Of course, I can’t have an actual party, because Luce has friends now and is still ignoring me, and my only friend is the brother of said crush that I’m still praying is not a crush, and I’m so not telling him that I think his brother is hotter than hell. I mean, seriously, DAMN. DEAN FUCKING WINCHESTER. NOT STRAIGHT. My brain is a little overloaded, because I’ve been waiting to get to this part of the entry all night. I’ve been trying to stay calm, because HOLY SHIT. I think pretending here might be a lost cause, but I’ll pretend I don’t like him all I want to! You can’t stop me (mostly because you’re an inanimate object that I’m talking to like a person…); I do what I want!

Really though, I’m excited. Life really is going up here, and I mean, I’m actually looking forward to the rest of the year now. Watch me regret that statement tomorrow, but whatever. Upsides include good grades, hot new crush, and FUCKING UNICORNS, MAN. Downsides include NO FRIENDS, no letters from my mom’s family or Kali, and NO INTERNET. I’m still fucking pissed about the internet. My internet friends must think I’ve died or something.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter nine complete, and we're only a month in! Here is where I realized that this will be a long ass fic!


	10. Brotherly Bonding: Now Including Braiding Hair!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehhhh... I'm not feeling my muse right now, and where i am, I've hit a lull in the story, so it might take just a day longer to get each update out! I'll try not to have that happen, i promise!

Wednesday, 10/6/13

I swear to God I’ll get to that title. I will, I promise, but I’ve quite possibly had the weirdest couple days here yet. I know, hard to believe, but really, what the fuck? I mean, I just sat in my room with my twin and two other pairs of brothers as Luce and I debated on whether Tangled or Brave was a better Disney movie. AND NOBODY DIED.

First, Kali, dammit, where are you? I STILL haven’t gotten anything back from her, and I can’t tell whether I’m extraordinarily upset or if I want to punch her perfect tan face. I need to tell her about my latest Dean update, which, in hindsight, I should’ve put in the last letter, but I was just trying to make her talk to me. That was six fucking DAYS ago, and still nothing. It’s been fifteen days since I’ve even gotten anything from her, and no, I did not go back just to count how many days she’s been ignoring me. I mean, it’s gotta be the owls, man, there’s no way she would ignore me. Would she? Oh my god, does she hate me? Did she get new friends, and just decided that I wasn’t worth it? Shit, I have like a half a friend!

Also, I went back to the hospital wing the other day after mama unicorn felt threatened by my treatment of her child, because she stomped on my foot, which broke one of my toes, but it healed up pretty quick so it’s okay. All the same, I think I’ll be giving the unicorns a bit more space, because that was a fun trek all the way back into Hogwarts that I don’t want to ever repeat. Madame Pomfrey is great with me though. She likes helping me out with my Herbology homework when I need it, and if I ever need a place to hide out, she lets me stick around for a while. I like her a lot, and if only for the fact that I met her, I’m at least a little grateful that I came here, because I think I might want to be a nurse because of meeting her.

At this particular moment in time, Lucifer is nagging me to see what I’m writing, which is scary because I never ever, EVER want him to find this. I’ve written nasty things about him in here, not to mention the theory about him and Michael, and all the stuff about Dean. As much as it annoyed me, I think I’m missing the silence around my room, because basically my brother is molesting me while trying to make me give him this journal and it’s very uncomfortable. AND THE FUCKER IS GIGGLING. While getting a little too close to some parts of my anatomy for comfort, of course. 

So he finally left, thank god. I mean, Luce can be fucking creepy if he wants to be, and I’m gonna say that that was a really fucking creepy moment. I wonder where he goes though, because he’s always gone in the morning, and really, where could he be going at eleven thirty at night? Crisis averted, though so I mean, that’s great. Of course, now that he knows the journal exists, he probably won’t shut up about it. Oh man, I am so screwed.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering why the fuck Lucifer and I are talking again, and I’m here to tell you it was boring. I woke up with him in my bed, and as soon as I woke up, he sat straight up, grabbed my shoulders, and asked if he was forgiven. Believe it or not, he winds up in my bed surprisingly often, despite the fact we have an abusive relationship and hate each other more than half the time. God, I wonder what people see when they look at us. We must seem like such a wreck to everyone else. Even so, I forgave him because it’s what I do; it’s what I always do. My job is to make him feel guilty for doing what he does best: hurting people. Because, of course, nobody cares that he hurts me badly every time! But I’m not mad at him right now, so I can rant about these things later.

Going back to the title, today was a fucking weird ass day. It felt like I might’ve been dreaming the whole time. I mean, it started out fine. I woke up, kicked Lucifer out of his new bed, took a shower, got dressed, the whole shebang, and we went down to breakfast. Simple enough, right? Well, apparently it wasn’t because after classes, Lucifer came straight back up to our room and dragged me to the library. Now, Lucifer never goes to the library, no matter which kind of library it is, so I was really confused. He hates them, for a reason I will not disclose here because it wound up being government business.

Anyway, he went to the library, grabbed DEAN FUCKING WINCHESTER, and asked if it was true that he had a working laptop. I nearly cried with joy when he said yes, because HALLELUJAH. He said that someone had fixed it up to work for him. I was gonna beg him to let me use it, but Luce beat me to it. I mean, I wanted it for my blog and my friends, but Big Brother insisted that he wanted it for a movie, which is good too, but we never did wind up watching the movie. Now unfortunately for me, Dean wouldn’t let us use it without being present, so we walked all the way back down to the dungeon with Dean, Cas, and Sam trailing behind us, and Lucifer kept a solid grip on my wrist (it bruised).

So we got back down to our common room, and literally EVERYONE was staring at us, because we had two Gryffindors and a Ravenclaw following us into the Slytherin dormitories, and I mean, nobody was really mad, just curious. And then, of course, since neither I nor Lucifer have any luck, Michael walked in, took one look at his little brother, and followed us back to our room. Lucifer got pissed and grabbed harder, but he didn’t stop walking or turn around to scream at the guy, so that’s a plus, I guess.

We walked in to our room, and Luce grabbed the laptop from Dean, sat down on his bed, and turned to me and asked whether I liked the movie Tangled or Brave better. I nearly screamed, because me liking Disney movies was a PRIVATE FUCKING THING, but of course I said Brave, because who doesn’t like a pretty, badass Scottish princess? Lucifer looked fucking scandalized though, and told me in the most flat voice ever that he must’ve heard me wrong because Tangled was way, way better. And so we started arguing about Disney movies. I didn’t even know he LIKED Disney movies! I don’t think anyone could tell if it was serious or not though; I mean, we were arguing, but it was two sixteen year old males arguing about which Disney movie was better because one had romance and the other one was about a fucking badass with a bow.

Ten minutes in to that argument, Dean and Sam cracked up, and Michael actually grinned for the first time in his existence. Even serious Castiel had a smile on his face, and Luce and I both froze, and we were just like ‘What?’ Lucifer was the image of sassy, cause he was standing with his hands on his hips with a level ten bitch face, and pretty soon I was laughing too, even though I was laughing at my twin instead of our weird argument. And then we were all rolling around laughing on the floor, and I swear it was one of the most glorious moments of my existence, laughing with my brother and Dean Winchester about some stupid movie. We all sat around on the floor and giggled for like twenty minutes, and when we all finished, it was really not as awkward as you would think, despite the fact I was half laying on Dean, and Michael and Lucifer had started looking at each other like they were each other’s personal heaven.

I don’t even know how it really happened, but Luce wound up with his hands in my hair, as he often does wind up doing since he has a thing for people’s hair (fetish anyone?). I was talking to Sam about something in Transfiguration that I didn’t get, and he was explaining, and then I realized that he was pulling on my hair, which, I mean, it kind of hurt, but everything with Lucifer tends to, plus Luce and I both crave attention, so I wasn’t really surprised. I just leaned back and let him screw with my hair while I discussed my classes with a kid two years younger than me who understands them better than I do. Pretty soon, Luce just wound up braiding my hair in a couple different braids, since my hair is long enough for it. Of fucking course, though, DEAN WINCHESTER just had to see what he was doing, and this wound up with the four people that I was not related to giggling again.

Then, Luce, like the smartass he is, asked if Dean wanted to try it. AND THE FUCKER SAID YES. My brother undid the braids in my hair and migrated over so he was sitting behind Sam, and Dean sat behind me. My brother had the most shit-eating grin on his face, and that’s when I realized that he already knows I have a crush on the guy. We spent a couple more hours teaching the other four how to braid hair in different styles, and Lucifer made sure Dean was doing my hair THE WHOLE TIME. I can’t tell whether I love him for it or if I want to punch him for it.

They left a little after that, but they were all smiling. We actually managed to have a kind of sort of bonding moment with the Winchesters and the Novaks. Nobody died, and we all had fun. My brother isn’t mad at me anymore, the bruises have faded, and I’ve heard Dean Winchester laugh, and god is it a beautiful sound. I am on top of the world right now. So maybe I wouldn’t count them as friends, but hey, it’s nice to be able to laugh with someone after being lonely for a while. I need sleep; I’m still not sure that I wasn’t dreaming!  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the extra, from the POV of the one and only Dean Fucking Winchester! Stay tuned!


	11. Extra: Dean Fucking Winchester

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lo and behold! The extra! Just finished chapter fourteen where I am, and getting closer to November, and therefore, plot! Have some Dean Winchester, and keep in mind Gabriel doesn't know any of the things Dean says here!

When I woke up in the morning, the first thing I felt was my face hitting the floor. So, naturally, I was a little pissed, but I was preoccupied with untangling myself from my blankets. At least, until Cas decided it was a good idea to sit on me, the bastard. Who shoves their best friend on to the floor and then sits on them to wake them up?

“Cas, I can’t breathe!” I wheezed, but really I was just trying the pity card. After all, Cas is my best friend, and I know that if I asked, he’d do anything for me. Well, not anything, but close enough. He didn’t move though, and I was left hitting his back as hard as I could with the hand that wasn’t trapped in my sheets. “Fuck, man, you’re heavy! Get off!” I finally freed my other hand, and with that, I decided the easiest way to get Cas off of me would be to wrestle him.

It was a poor choice. Over the summer, Cas had gained about ten more pounds of muscle, leaving me a little taller than him, but also a little less strong physically. Before I knew it, I was on my back and Cas was sitting on my thighs, pinning my arms to the ground.

“Hello, Dean,” he said with a fucking smirk, the ass, and then I hit my fist on the ground. He stood and held out his hand to help me up, and I took it. The guy really had evolved from little nerd in first year to a surprisingly muscular guy. “Good morning; how did you sleep?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” I glared at him a little, “I woulda slept better if you hadn’t decided sitting on me was the most effective way to wake me up. Seriously man, what the fuck?” Cas laughed and he threw one of his pillows into one of our roommate’s canopy bed, and we both snickered when the guy let out a whine and chucked the pillow back out.

“I am sorry, Dean, but I tried to wake you. And I am not heavy! If anything, you’re the heavy one! It took me a whole ten minutes to roll you out of bed.” Cas threw the pillow back at the same guy, John something or other, and eventually he actually got up, shooting both of us a glare. I just glared at Cas; how dare he call me heavy?

“Morning, John, sorry ‘bout the rude awakening. And Cas, dude, don’t you dare call me the heavy one!” I grabbed my own pillow and threw it into one of the other bunks, carefully making sure that bunk didn’t belong to Teddy. The guy got scary pissed when we woke him up, and he was damn good at revenge. I knew.

Cas laughed, and there was a groan from Greg’s bunk, but he didn’t get up. I shrugged and decided that if he wanted to be late for breakfast then he could be late for breakfast.

“Good morning, Dean, Castiel. Why are you two always up in the morning?” John grumbled, and he went off to take a shower. Cas and I just carefully made our way to Teddy’s bed. Before he could pull back the curtain, I shoved Cas through it and bolted to the other side of the room and ducked into my bed.

“Dean!”  
“Dude, what the hell?”

Teddy and Cas both shrieked simultaneously, and I just about died laughing. A low moan from Greg’s bed told us that he was awake now too.

“Dean, I swear to god, I’ll turn into Gabriel Shirley and get into your bed while you sleep,” Teddy growled as he and Cas fixed up his bed. Instantly, I felt the blood rush to my cheeks while I tried to maintain a glare. Honestly, it was hard. Last time Teddy had felt like turning into Gabriel, it had been in the morning, and I had woken up the whole house when I tried to make Teddy wake up. Of course, all of my roommates think it’s fucking funny to bring it up at random times during the day, but it really isn’t! Anyone would be freaked to see a near stranger in their friend’s bed randomly! At least, I think.

Cas and I took off to breakfast shortly after Teddy threw all of his pillows at my face. The two of us walked in to the Great Hall just as people were beginning to show, and I almost walked over to say good morning to my brother, but I could hear his deep discussion with Kevin Tran about the statistical likelihood of demons existing, so we decided we’d bother Cas’s brother instead.

Michael Novak was kind of a weirdo, honestly. He managed to be popular while being a total loner with a stick up his ass at the same time, which was kind of annoying, but at least I could tell where Cas got it. If I was asked, I’d say that all of Slytherin was pretty weird. Usually, they were pretty tight knit; with a bit of an us against them attitude towards all the other houses, but then, that wasn’t new, and it wasn’t as bad as it used to be. Even so, when a whole house somehow manages to turn against two guys in on their first day, it’s bound to get some attention from the other houses.

Which leads us back to Michael Novak. The guy was a dick to the Shirley twins most of the time, save for the interesting slumber party we had the night before, but if you knew the guy well enough, you would know that he regretted setting his house against the guys. Before the feast had even began, he’d spread it around that Lucifer assaulted him on the train, and that ended it. Before they even sat down, the Slytherins practically hated them.

“Castiel, Dean, good morning,” Michael mumbled to us. He was generally a quieter guy in the morning, unless you happened to mention Lucifer Shirley, then he would either yell or storm out.

“Good morning, brother,” Cas leaned down and mumbled something about when we’d be having Quidditch practice to him, and then backed off.

“Morning, Mikey,” I said with a smile, and as I expected, the older brother twitched. He hated nicknames, especially childish ones. Then, because maybe I’m a bit of a dick too, I asked, “How’s Lucifer?”

I had to admit, I was a little disappointed he didn’t yell at me. Cas glared at me and Michael huffed and blushed ever so slightly before stomping out of the Great Hall. As luck would have it, he passed the twins on the way in. Lucifer glared at his back for a minute, then jogged to catch up with his much, much shorter twin.

Silently, they sat down at the far end of the Slytherin table, away from everyone else. Cas and I sat down at the Gryffindor table, but I still watched them. Obviously, they’d gotten over whatever stupid argument they’d been having, because they’d invited us to a hair party and they were sitting next to each other again. I had to wonder what the hell was with them though, because they didn’t seem to get along, but they never made any attempts to get to know anyone else. Granted, they were pretty big dicks and most of their own house still dislikes them, but I had to wonder.

Hell, Cas could barely stand them, and he had the patience of a saint. I couldn’t really stand being around them for too long either, but somehow I always wound up around the guys. I guess it’s because I felt sorry for them. I remember when I first moved to England and how lonely I was. Coming to Hogwarts was like a relief to me, but for them it went the other way. They’ve got no one else, and Sam and I pity them just enough to deal with them on a regular basis.

Really though, the Shirley twins annoyed the shit out of me. First, there’s the blatantly obvious crush Michael has on Lucifer, which is honestly quite sickening. Really, Michael? Get some taste, or man up and tell him already! Second, there’s their attitudes in general. Both of them were the most annoying, cocky, self obsessed people I’d met in a long time, and I actively try to avoid those kinds of people, because they make me mad. And then there’s Gabriel in and of himself. He was taking a joke way too far! Cas and I gave his clothes back, and for some reason he refused to wear them. Instead, he was going around in skirts every day, and I’ll be damned if I deny that it was hot, since I was the one that wanted to see him in a skirt in the first place, but come on! Personal bet, my ass, why does he keep it up? His face pissed me off in general, and the more I looked at him, the more I wanted to kiss him, with his whiskey eyes and stupid smile. I couldn’t tell if I love him, hate him, or just love to hate him.

“Dean? Are you done staring at Gabriel Shirley, because I think he’s noticed you.” Cas grabbed my shoulder, and I blinked off my Gabriel induced daze and scowled. Sure enough, he’d turned around and tilted his head slightly in my general direction. I just sighed and turned back to face Cas.

“I’m good, sorry. Just…” I couldn’t think of anything to say. A little obsessed? Annoyed? Strongly contemplating hate sex? “I’m just tired, Cas.” He nodded like he understood, which made me feel bad for lying to the guy. He was my best friend, but I wasn’t sure if this was the kind of thing I wanted to talk to him about yet. After all, I don’t know what I feel about the guy, not to mention he’s still a huge douche. So I kept my mouth shut.

“Dean, your brother is waving us over. Come on.” Cas grabbed my shoulder and we walked over to where Sam sat next to Kevin. They smiled at us and dumbed down their conversation so that Cas and I could join in. I hardly listened; I stayed a little lost in my own thoughts, and if my eyes wandered over to where Gabriel left the room with his head down and his hand clutching his brother’s robe, then no one had to know that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've gotten through ten chapters, one month, and an extra! I'm very proud of myself, but I know this chapter wasn't as good as it probably could've been! Let me know what you thought in the comments, please! Also, to Miss Morgan if you still read this: I'm on to you!


	12. Hello, Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um. I'm sorry? It's awfully short, all over the place, and strange, but eh, Michael's in it.

Sunday, 10/10/13

It’s Sunday (technically Monday, but I haven’t slept yet), which means I have to actually do classes tomorrow. Ugh. I don’t want to. In fact, I’d like nothing more than to lie in bed for a century and occasionally get laid and eat sweets. Nothing better. NOTHING.

So I got a letter back from Kali, finally, and I got exactly what I expected. Basically she sent me a really angry letter to quit bothering her and stuff. I don’t remember exactly what she wrote, because I burned the thing. She sent me what I asked for, a few new books and some of my crap for Halloween, but I can’t really bring myself to touch them. I think I just went through a friend break up, and I don’t know what to do. She was my only friend and I mean, I feel so lost. And a little worried for myself, honestly. I can tell Luce knows something is up, but he’s not bothering right now. Instead, he’s busy with Quidditch shit.

Meanwhile, I’m entertaining myself by doing everything I can to annoy him. I’ve never denied that I love attention, and I’m frustrated by the lack of it. I’ve pretty much been stealing all his things and blowing up every minor object he owns systematically. I’ve gotten ten detentions and lost thirty-five house points in the last four days. I mean, I wasn’t trying to get in trouble, I just feel unnoticed, and I can’t stand it. This place seriously needs a therapist.

So besides serving detentions this week I’ve been hanging around annoying my house mates, Michael in particular. The guy is a lot more awkward than I thought; I mean, whenever anyone tries to talk to him, he goes quiet and authoritative, and he really doesn’t seem to have any friends. So I’ve taken it upon myself to bother him at all hours of the day. He gets so annoyed that it’s hilarious, and he yells every time I mention my twin, which is hilarious. But really, he’s been my only entertainment for a couple days, and I feel like I’m going nuts here.

The other day, I caught Dean Winchester staring at me at breakfast, and I was happy at the time, I know, but now I can’t make myself happy. I mean, I am happy, but I just keep thinking of the bad things, and I almost want to cry. Like, what if he’s thinking that I’m so fucking weird or that he can’t stand me? Lucifer tells me to get my head out of my ass, but I’m sorry to say I’ve lost my head somewhere and I can’t find it anywhere.

I’m overreacting. I must be, I must be. Right? Sam says I seem weird, and I guess I must be. My house is annoyed because I’m losing them a ton of points, but I really don’t care. I blew up Filch’s desk. Thought I might as well get that out there; while I’m talking about going crazy. My whole life feels like a series of hellos and goodbyes, hence the title. The second I meet new people, all the old ones disappear. I feel weird. Be right back.

So I just threw up, and I think it’s stress, but it’s also two in the morning and I’m shaking and it’s a school night, but who cares, really? I just found letters to Lucifer from Dad over the past month, which just proves, again, who his favorite kid is. Mom’s is my step-sister, Anna, and my step dad’s favorite might actually be me, but they won’t talk to me either, so I doubt it. I’m pissed, honestly. I want to punch something, or someone, so I might wake up Lucifer so I can punch him in the face. I can’t believe Dad wrote him and not me, and he kept it from me! I can’t believe him, or Dad! I mean, I knew I wasn’t his favorite, but lying to me so I would stop talking to him is a new low.

I think I’m sick. Both physically, and in the head, because I’m a little messed up right now, but I also feel like my stomach might explode, which would be kind of creepy. To review, I lost my only friend and I can’t talk to anyone about it, and I feel starved for attention and Luce’s pretty little face is bothering me quite a bit, now. Someone’s knocking, so I’m gonna answer that.

This is the most interference I’ve ever had while writing an entry of my journal! Michael just walked in to ask if I was okay; say hello to Michael!

Hello. I think Gabriel might decide to murder me when he becomes lucid again, because he just showed me his journal, and is babbling slightly. Something about throwing up? I’m concerned. Gabriel, when you read this, know that I don’t hate you in particular, and I do regret what I’ve done to you and your brother. Also, if you ever show this to him, I will personally make sure your life is ended prematurely.

I do find you quite annoying, honestly, but I can handle your presence, and my brother tolerates you, so I suppose that counts for something. And now you’re trying to pull the thing away from me and whining, so I’ll give it back to you now, and make an attempt to drag you to the hospital wing.

Michael stole my journal! He stole my precious baby! Well, I mean, he didn’t steal it, but I only wanted him to write hi, not a fucking paragraph in his fancy-shmancy handwriting. He’s still here, but I’m ignoring him and he’s staring at Luce like he’s an angel, which, I guess if you think about it it’s kinda ironic. I wish someone looked at me like that. Well, except for the part that Lucifer is asleep, because that’s actually really creepy.

On subject, Michael just came in to see if I was okay, which I most certainly am not, but I hate the hospital wing, and I think that I’d be in even more trouble if I was wandering the halls right now. I’m a little clearer in the head, but I still feel like I might throw up, and Michael’s dragging me out the door.

I’m back in the hospital wing, unfortunately, and Michael’s talking to someone outside, but I don’t know who. I think it might be the headmistress, because my old lady senses are tingling, but I’m not sure. Like I said, this is the most anything’s ever happened to me while I’m writing, which I mean, if you think about it, is kind of cool. It wouldn’t be if I’d thrown up on the journal or something, but I didn’t, so it’s all good.

My head’s clearing up, and I’m thinking straighter, so I think it was just a… something? I’m not sure. I’m tired. Really, really, tired though, so I think I’ll just hit the sack. Sorry for all the crap here. I’m just so tired.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am dreadfully sorry for this chapter's existence, but the next chapter is happy and fun, so don't worry about that too much, I promise! It might take me a bit to get it out here, but I will post chapter thirteen!


	13. Hogsmeade!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy chapter! Yay! I finished 16 ahead of schedule, so here's thirteen, ahead of schedule!

Monday, 10/11/13

Woo hoo! I had a pretty fucking awesome day today, honestly! I feel way better than yesterday, which is really good because if it weren’t for the journal, I wouldn’t remember half of it! I can not fucking believe I gave the damn journal to Michael, but he was surprisingly cool about it. When I got back today, he asked if I was feeling better (in his I-have-a-stick-up-my-ass way, but eh), which was nice. I mean, I know he’s a human, I figured out that much from the journal, but he’s still not my favorite person. Sorry ain’t really enough in this scenario, and he also threatened me with murder and called me annoying! Whatever; I think I’m adorable.

Anyway, let me explain today! Today, I went to Hogsmeade, which is a little wizarding village that has a ton of cool shit! Basically, most people have to sign a waiver to go, but as Luce and I were unaware and didn’t do the thing, they can’t really let us go on the few weekends that the normal kids can. Fortunately, Michael pulled some strings for us as Head Boy (ridiculous title), and convinced old McGonagall that we were trustworthy enough to go and that I needed a break. I think, in that instant, I wanted to kiss him, as NASTY as it sounds now. I mean, ew. It’s Michael.

Speaking of, I’m debating telling Lucifer that Michael stares at him like he’s the sun on Earth. It’s kind of sickeningly sweet, but still. Ew.

Lucifer told me I was being hypocritical because a couple hours ago. I told him that I knew someone that was so awkward and stared at the guy they liked like they were Jesus (without being specific, I can’t decide if I want to tell him yet), and he just looked at me and told me that if I wanna talk about sickeningly sweet I should take a picture of myself when I’m near Dean Winchester! I told him to shove the shower head up his ass, which is when he laughed and ran the fuck away, the loser. He’s still not back, which reminds me that I should’ve asked who he goes to stalk at night and in the mornings.

I do not look at Dean Winchester like that! I don’t look at Dean Winchester like ANYTHING! I just look at him, and I don’t do that often or anything! Who am I kidding? I don’t know, but I think I’m gonna make a conscious effort to get over the guy. It’s not going to work, but at least I’ll be trying. I mean, it’s better than nothing, right?

Back on track, we went to Hogsmeade today, and it was so fucking cool! Luce and I had a fucking blast; there was so much cool shit! I’m disappointed that I can’t go on the weekend trips, because it was really awesome. The place is really cold, and there was snow everywhere, but apparently that’s normal (this coming from Michael, I wouldn’t know), so I actually wore men’s clothing for the first time in nearly a month, and honestly it was pretty damn uncomfortable. I wound up wearing panties anyway, because I think I’ve been ruined for any other kind of underwear. But yeah, it was cold.

So we wandered around and explored for the morning, which was really cool, because basically, we wound up playing hide and seek for hours. There was also a snowball fight in there somewhere in which I got nailed in the back of the head, four times, and only one of those was my brother. Some little girls decided, ‘hey, let’s hit the short guy with as many snowballs as we can throw in ten minutes!’ I got hit with like fifty snowballs! It wasn’t pleasant! I mean, it was pretty damn hilarious, and Lucifer was dying of laughter, but I was freezing.

So, of course, Lucifer decided we should go get our hair cut. Seriously, what? He was just like, ‘oh yeah, you’re cold, you wanna get a hair cut?’ My response was a sarcastic Frozen quote, and he hit me with a snowball right where no man wants a snowball. But we did get our hair cut! My hair is no longer past my shoulders, and is now at my normal length, maybe a little shorter, and Luce is back to having his short ass messy fohawk thing that he manages to pull off.

When we walked out of the hair place, I saw it. Lucifer says I have a fetish, but fuck him! It was a GIANT FUCKING CANDY STORE! Basically, we spent the better part of an hour exploring and stocking up on candy, and it was like heaven. I’m not kidding, there was candy everywhere, and I think I might’ve cried, but I don’t really remember, I just remember that it was beautiful. I got like three of everything, and Luce has started complaining that we’re broke, but it was so, so worth it. I am going to be so fat at the end of this year, but I don’t care! I’ve been eating candy nonstop since I bought it, which is slightly unhealthy and I have a major stomachache, but GOD is it good!

After the most amazing hour of my life, we wandered back out to the streets and had a candy lunch at this place called The Three Broomsticks Inn. They served the best drinks ever! I mean, nothing beats candy, ever, but the drinks were pretty damn awesome. Lucifer and I both had butterbeer, which is fucking delicious as all hell, and basically we giggled at each other and gorged ourselves. The owner lady was super nice and she let us have as much as we wanted for really cheap. It was amazing.

Then we went to Zonko's Joke Shop, which we were actually kicked out of. Lucifer dared me to set something off in the shop, and I set it off at him, and basically we had to pay a shit ton for all the shit we fired at each other. I was covered in green slime, and Lucifer's new hair got turned bright pink for a while, until we rolled around in the snow outside. Seriously though, never do that. Ever. We had to pay for everything, we're never allowed back in again, and we both got hit pretty hard by various flying objects. It wasn't as cool as Weasley's Wizard Wheezes (we went when we first got to England), but that place was awesome and hard to beat, so A for effort.

By that point it was about three in the afternoon, so we went out to the Shrieking Shack for our last stop. The place is ancient, and it was gonna be torn down a couple years back, but eventually it was bought by Harry Potter for no apparent reason, so it stands. Technically, going on the property is trespassing, but eh, when have I ever cared for that sorta thing? Besides, there’s no way anyone would ever live in there, and I knew that Harry Potter didn’t live there, so Luce and I hung out on the front step for a while. Neither of us wanted to go in because it’s supposed to be haunted and we’ve told each other too many horror stories to be comfortable going in. So we just sat outside and talked.

I mean, it was really nice, but it lead to an awkward conversation, such as: why was I in the hospital wing at two-thirty in the morning? I told him I got sick and threw up, and was just feeling shitty. I’m surprised; the master liar took the lie. Granted, he doesn’t like to lie to people, which never ceases to surprise people, but he’s good at it. He also asked if I had to give Michael a blowjob to get us here, and I screamed at him for a solid five minutes while he laughed and I nearly cried. MENTAL IMAGES. I implied that he would rather suck Michael’s dick and ruined the moment, because he punched me in the face after that. Not hard enough to blacken my eye, thankfully, but it still hurt.

We went home after that; Michael came to pick us up with the weird ass carriage thing that's pulled by air. I mean, what the fuck? What is the point of carriages that pull themselves? Just get horses! After that, we had an awkward three man ride back to Hogwarts. Lucifer amused himself by stroking the poor guy’s hand whenever they wound up close enough. Michael was bristling by the end of the ride, which was absolutely hilarious. Both of them had little awkward angry blushes on their faces, so I wound up laughing at them and they didn’t know why, so they both set upon me.

Back at the castle, we had dinner and grabbed our homework, and I think more people were focused on the fact that I was wearing pants than wondering where I’d been all day. It was weird; there were like ten people staring at my ass. I mean, that’s a compliment, I think, but awkward.

So right now I’m lounging in my room (rocking a skirt again, hell yeah) while I make an attempt to stay awake for Lucifer, but it’s getting hard. I’ve had a long day. Sigh. I miss Dean.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to talk about Hogsmeade, I just don't know when all the weekends are, so I figured I'd just do it once. Chapter 14 will be on the way!


	14. I Met a Famous Person!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that Gabriel's views on Hermione are his and not mine! I don't actually believe she would teach like this, and she doesn't, he's just a biased narrator!

Tuesday, 10/19/13

It's Tuesday again, so I got to listen to Heat of the Moment this morning! It's so awesome; I wish I knew how to make magic music. Lucifer thinks that whoever does it needs to be murdered slowly and painfully, but eh, that's just Luce. I mean, you get used to his death threats and stuff after a bit, and I have known him my entire life.

Life has normalized again out here, which is good, I guess. There's not much to do, though. School's going okay. Except for the damn unicorns, of course. I had to run screaming from the mom again the other day. She won't even let me close to the baby, and I'm rapidly gaining the urge to grab a fucking shotgun. I just want to pet the damn thing; fuck you! Professor Hagrid says she’s just nervous, but she let me pet her child for like three days before she went batshit. Maybe it’s just me?

Professor Weasley has been bitching at me to get motivated because I don't do anything in her class because I hate her. She plays favorites and only likes the genius kids. I know I'm a little slower than some people, but I'm not an idiot! At EYWA I got B's and the occasional A, so she has no right to tell me to try harder. How about you try harder to cater to your students? Basically: I do what I want!

Oh yeah, something interesting happened yesterday! I met a famous person! Yep, I did, and it wasn’t some shitty actor either, it was Harry Potter! The dude came in to sub for our DADA teacher, Mr. Singer, and it was awesome! He was pretty cool; generally he seemed a little awkward with the questions and shit people were bugging him with, but he was funny and really nice to everyone, even my house, which I didn’t expect. Also, Luce has new blackmail material, because I saw the evil grin on his face when Michael was looking at Mr. Potter like you’d look at a real live angel. Obviously Michael idolizes him, and it’s not hard to see why. He was really awesome.

The best part was when Professor Malfoy came in, though. They had this little stare down, then Mr. Potter asked him to help show us how a proper duel goes. Basically, he agreed, and they started insulting each other a little, nothing harsh or anything, and then it happened. They had a duel right in front of our faces, and I think we were all too stunned by how fast it was over to really get any information from it. At first, I thought they seriously hated each other, but they were both laughing after the duel, and they shook hands and stuff, so I guess it was okay, but still! Michael told me that that they used to be worst enemies, but after the war, they kinda got over it.

And I just realized that I’m asking Michael things and talking to him. I feel betrayed by my own curiosity; ew. Yuck! Michael’s the one that is my brother’s worst enemy while simultaneously having a crush on him (plus it’s Michael, the dick)! I must not get close, otherwise Lucifer will kill me, and no one will ever be sure if it’s out of jealousy or general rage that I semi-befriended his rival. Rival is a stupid word.

Anyway, after the duel, Mr. Potter hung around for a bit and talked to us. I came by to introduce myself and Lucifer, and he asked where we where from and all that jazz. We gave him the short version of why we came here, but it was still a long story. He seemed entertained, and told us that we reminded him of his best friend’s brothers when they were younger, which made me really happy. I mean, a famous person not only took the time to listen to me and my twin rant, but he thought it was interesting and told us that we reminded him of someone he knows! I don’t care what anyone else thinks; that’s cool. Seriously though, it was fun, and I'm glad I've met him. I feel proud of myself.

Today, I hung out with Professor Malfoy, which wasn't as lame as it sounds. He gave me some more lessons in Potions and told me some of his history with Mr. Potter by himself, which was cool. I feel like he's my favorite teacher, since he's the only one I really talk to, and he doesn't judge me for anything I say, and he almost never takes away points when I do stupid shit. I mean, he is a teacher, but you take what you can get when you have no other friends. I do have Sam, occasionally, and even less occasionally I have Lucifer too, but he's Lucifer and Sam is my crush's brother, so hanging out with either of them is hard. Hell, depending on the situation, I would say Michael is more of my friend than Luce half the time. Sad, huh? My brother's enemy is more of my friend than my brother. I told the above to Professor Malfoy, and he just looked so sad. I felt a little annoyed because it felt like pity to me for a minute, but then he smiled and told me that I had just accidentally told him who I had a crush on, and I swear to god I just about jumped off a cliff. Then he told me seriously that if I ever needed to talk to anyone, I could always talk to him. The conversation got awkward after that, and Lucifer was yelling at me to get my ass over to him, so I took off and left him alone outside.

Speaking of outside, it's getting really cold out, which I suppose is a given when you're in Scotland in the fall, but it really sucks ass, especially when your idiot twin has decided to be on the Quidditch team and ropes you into his practice sessions with him. I've mentioned that I hate flying, right? Because I hate flying. I own a broom, of course, since both my families are relatively well off (have to be, with all the kids running around), but I never, ever use it because I HATE TO. A LOT.

To explain, I just spent the last two hours like a hundred feet off the ground on a broom throwing balls at my brother while he tried to hit them back at me. My brother thinks my life revolves around him, so of course he had to ask me to help him with Quidditch stuff, but I can’t just say no to Lucifer. No one can, he’s very persuasive. Either way, it was awful. I’m not even that afraid of heights, but having absolutely nothing but a thin stick keeping you in the air? Not fun. NOT AT ALL. And of course, my twin was having a blast hitting the balls I threw at him at my face just to make me uncomfortable and to try an make me fall. To make matters worse, it turned out Dean Winchester, Sam, Cas, and Michael were there. Of course, as soon as he saw them, Luce had to play harder to show Michael or something, I don’t know, all I do know is that I was forced into several races, got hit in the face twice, and almost knocked off my broom several times. Lucifer, of course, thought it was funny.

It wasn’t all bad though, because afterwards, Dean came over and asked if I would practice with him when it gets warmer, which is awesome! I may not like to fly, but this is Dean Winchester we’re talking here! An opportunity to do something with him is too hard to pass up. After he asked, he giggled and told me that I looked very elegant and that I flashed them several times. Right, I forgot I was wearing a skirt on a broomstick above the stands. A little while ago, I learned that Lucifer planned that out when he asked if I liked his ideas. I punched him in his smug-ass face. 

Right now, I’m sitting in my bed as quietly as possible, because I think Luce might kill someone, and I don’t want to be that someone. He and Michael had a HUGE argument after we came in from Quidditch, but I don’t know what it was about. My twin had been muttering mutinously and beating the shit out of one of his pillows for the last hour, which honestly is quite scary. People have learned to avoid him after a fight with Michael. Last time he fought with Michael, some girl came in here to give him his bag, and he got detention for lighting her robes on fire. So here I am, sitting in my room, pretending I don’t exist. It’s boring.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I almost forgot to post this chapter! It's late for a school night where i am, so goodnight all, and please let me know what you think here... Plot is coming relatively soon!


	15. Fire and Ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, I actually like this chapter a lot. It's my favorite that I've written so far, so please enjoy. Sorry in advance for blowing things up.

Friday, 10/29/13

Guess who's in the hospital wing today? Not me, for once, that's for sure! Actually, it's my brother. Well, if I'm being technical Michael's in there too, but I don't think Luce would like me to remind him that he's in the same room as the guy right now. Not that I could; I ditched as soon as Lucifer woke up, so I'm in my room. It really does serve them right though, with all the fucking PROBLEMS they've been causing. They lost us fifty points! Unlike me, the whole house cheers them on when they lose points, of course. Fuckers, I know Luce at least is in denial.

Of course, this whole event started in the common room last Thursday, not yesterday. I walked in after exploring the castle a bit to find people chanting fight while my brother hissed at Michael, who looked so fucking deadly it was not even funny. I worried for a bit, but then I remembered: it's Lucifer, queen of violent deeds and fights in the hallways. Still, they were yelling at each other and all I heard was something about a duel in the Room of Requirement, which at the time I'd only been in once. Right after that, Cas and Dean came in, so the fight broke up, but I hid from Lucifer for a while because he was utterly furious, and when he's like that, bad things tend to happen to me.

After a fight like that, you'd think people would give you peace and quiet, right? No, because an hour later, a group of guys barged in to our room, LOUDLY, I might add, and decided it was their place to tell my brother how to fight. He nodded along politely for a while, then he got the darkest look on his face and I ducked for cover. Long story short, he punched one of the guys in the face and the rest of them ran. I mean, they deserved it! They came in to OUR room to tell MY brother the best way to fight his mortal enemy. Yeah, Lucifer didn't like that. At all. He threw a bitch fit and we wound up wrestling on the floor, and not the playful oh-my-god-we're-best-friends kind of wrestling, no, I mean pulling each other's hair out of our heads and scratching as hard as is humanly possible. Basically, tear the shit out of each other and whoever gives up first with the most injuries loses. I didn't win, at all, but it was nothing a hairbrush and short trip to Madame Pomfrey couldn't fix, just some scratches and a couple nasty bruises. She seemed worried, but I didn't know what to tell her, so she didn't ask. Hooray for nurses, man! I think there's some sort of confidentiality agreement between patients and nurses, but that might be an American thing.

In other news, I made a new 'friend,' but we'll get to that; he's part of this story in a weird ass way. In OTHER other news, I’ve decided not to tell Lucifer what Michael thinks of him, in light of recent events. I was going to, but with all the fighting lately, he wouldn’t like it. At all. Anyway.

So I woke up last Friday, a week ago, and got up and avoided Luce like the plague, since he was mysteriously in the room, for once. I think he must be stalking Michael, if the only time he doesn't go is when he's fighting the guy. I mean, it IS kind of obvious, considering how much they talk about each other. It's constant! They complain about each other twenty-four seven! It doesn't make me uncomfortable or anything, I'm just a little surprised. Not only are they polar opposites, Lucifer, to my knowledge, has never dated ANYONE, much less a guy. I mean, he IS attractive, he just doesn't like people that much. We have that in common, at least.

After I woke up, I walked in to the common room only to find my entire house awake and standing around a guy in a suit while he took various amounts of money and other things from them and wrote their names on a whiteboard. Turns out the guy’s name is Fergus Crowley, and he’s in my year. I was curious, so I asked what he was doing, and he just tells me in this utterly cherry voice (and British too, finally a British acquaintance!) that he was taking the bets on the duel. I nearly punched him in the face, but he asked if our house would please excuse him, and literally DRAGGED ME INTO HIS BEDROOM. It was awkward, but I mean, hey, he is rather hot, so I just kind of went with it. He shoved me onto his bed, sat on the edge, and just told me flatly that he wanted my help.

I mean, I know how this sounds (fucking shady), but I swear, it wasn’t all bad. He sat me down, introduced himself as Crowley (and threatened me with death if I called him by his first name), and pretty much detailed my entire life so far at Hogwarts, and told me he was here to help me, which I admit was creepy as all fuck. But he also said that he would help me do several things, one being getting our house off my back, another being that he would help me out with Dean. In return, he can take out any sexual frustration or desire on me. Oh my god, I KNOW IT SOUNDS AWFUL, OKAY? It’s just that, well, to put it bluntly, a guy can only stay celibate for so long, and the promise of Dean? It was too good to pass up. So I told him sure. Now, I’m an acquaintance with benefits, which I suppose is a cool enough position. All I’m really going to say about the above now, however, is that the guy is damn good at fucking.

Moving on from uncomfortable topics and on to the actual POINT of this story, everything was pretty calm for the rest of Friday, but on the weekend, it blew up entirely. Crowley dragged me around all the houses (the guy’s good, he managed to get into all of them, even Ravenclaw), and everyone was going CRAZY over the duel. Crowley was being incredibly sadistic, giggling every time someone made a bet and sweet talking them into giving him more money than they wanted to. The guy scares me a bit, honestly. To top it all off though, when we went into Gryffindor common room, Dean Winchester was sitting around with NO SHIRT ON! I nearly died! I mean, the guy has major abs, and freckles fucking everywhere! Ah, even the memory is satisfying. Crowley, of course, picked that moment to wrap his arm around my waist and hold me to his side, which I don’t particularly understand. He later told me it was to make the guy jealous, but all he did was run off to put on a shirt. I’m not sure if he’s actually helping or not, but it is nice to get laid periodically. Dean did bet on my brother though, which was kind of sweet, I guess, depending on your point of view.

I’m amazed everyone kept the duel secret from the teachers, but everyone did. Nobody seemed any different in class but me. Throughout this whole last week, I’ve been afraid that Lucifer would kill me, not slept because people find it necessary to give my twin ‘tips’ at obscene hours, and been dragged around to record various bets. I’m exhausted. Professor Malfoy got mad at me again because I fell asleep in his class. He didn’t give me detention or take away points, no, instead he threatened to tell Dean I have a crush on him. I mean, I know I’m being rude, sleeping in class, but I can’t sleep at night, and naps during class are the only time I can get my brain to shut off! I have tried, but no matter how late it gets or how tired I am, there’s nothing that can make me go to sleep. Even Crowley’s worried about me, but my own brother can’t spare me five minutes to speak to me. Jesus fucking Christ me, stop it with the pity party.

Anyway, more importantly, that duel happened today. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am in my brother for this duel though. Michael too, for that matter! They tried to kill each other! It happened right after classes, which was fine, so we all went up to the Room of Requirement. I was shaking the whole way. Sue me, I was a little worried too! The Room showed up, and a lot of people were already waiting, including Dean, Sam, Cas, and Crowley. I went over and stood by them while Crowley massaged my neck so I would calm down. I wound up having to sit down while my brother went over to stand across from Michael. Without even asking me, of course, I was named as second, and Cas was for Michael. It’s kind of scary, thinking of what would’ve happened if I were forced to duel.

They bowed at each other, and I mean, I was a little surprised, considering they both looked damn terrifying. My one happy moment was when, right before the duel, Dean grabbed my hand and held it for a minute, which was nice. Then it happened, and it was kind of beautiful, with bright, bright white and red lights; it looked kind of like fire and ice. But then things exploded and it was over, and everyone but me was in shock. I was furious. Michael had tried to blow up my damn brother with Confringo, and fucking LUCIFER, THE IDIOT, had used fucking Sectumsempra! They both nearly died, probably would’ve, if people hadn’t had the common sense to run and get a professor while everyone else screamed and ran. I had to carry my burned and bleeding brother all the way down to the hospital wing while Cas did the same for Michael.

Cas and I spent the next hour or so bonding by crying over our brothers in public. We wound up ranting to each other how stupid they’d been, and how awful it was. Of course, since we were the only two in the room besides the nurse that were conscious, we took the blame. Professor Malfoy and Professor Weasley screamed at us for twenty minutes, and then went to help the healing process. I mean, I didn’t really care too much, I was worried over Lucifer. Still am, a little, but he’s woken up now, so he’s fine.

The two of them woke up not long after they were mostly healed. They’re separated by a curtain, so they’re okay, but Lucifer seemed tired and argued with me for a while, and then he went back to sleep. Gotta say, he has some badass burns though. They’re all over his face and arms, but there are some on his legs and stomach. Professor Malfoy healed Michael, which was a relief (I don’t want the guy dead!), and he apologized to me for what he did, but I told him he needed to apologize to Lucifer. He wrinkled his nose at me and didn’t say anymore. The guy got off lucky; he’s not burned or anything, he just has scars on his chest now. I took off after that, only to run into Dean on the way out. He asked after Luce and Michael, and I told him they were alright. He seemed relieved too, and he thanked me and then took off.

I’ve had a long day, but I know I won’t be able to sleep, so what’s the point? I wish Dean was here. Being around Crowley has just reaffirmed my desire to kiss Dean’s face, dammit! I thought I was getting over him! Speaking of Crowley, though, he’s currently curled in my bed and playing with my hands, which isn’t a good thing because basically, it’s sort of like a kink, so I don’t enjoy having my hands casually played with. Of course, it’s probably the guy’s point. Either way, I probably should get going. I need to at least fake sleep for a couple hours.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops I made things vaguely unhappy woops haha I love them I swear


	16. Happy Halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here begins a string of pretty mediocre chapters, oops. Eh, it's alright, it's just not great. However, the characters' relationships progress a little in these chapters, so there's that. Look forward to chapter twenty one

Sunday, 10/31/13

Halloween, on a normal year, is an awesome holiday, but when you’re stuck in a small room, and have been there for the past four hours, it kind of starts to, um, SUCK ROYALLY! God, I am so bored, Crowley keeps making innuendoes, and Michael is giving me a disapproving dad look. I mean, we were forgotten in here because every one ELSE is enjoying themselves. Well, everyone except my brother, of course, who is pissed beyond belief that he’s still scheduled for bed rest over Halloween. Serves him right for trying to kill Michael, in my book.

Speaking of Lucifer and Michael, they’ve started a temporary truce. They still argue constantly, but they both agreed that the duel brought both of them closer to death than they wanted. Therefore, they’ve started tolerating each other. Incidentally, I now catch Lucifer staring at Michael when he isn’t paying attention. It’s kind of adorable, but it doesn’t happen often, considering Lucifer isn’t allowed out of bed often, and Michael doesn’t come in to our room often either. Damn it man, make it easier for me to set you up with my brother.

It’s frustrating walking around now, because since Friday, everyone has decided it’s okay to ask me one of two things. The first, is Lucifer okay? Yes, he’s fine, he told everyone himself Saturday at breakfast. The second, WHEN IS IT HAPPENING AGAIN? Uh, NEVER, maybe? My brother almost died, and everyone thinks he’s stupid enough to try it again? Hell no! My brother is far smarter than I am; I probably would do it again, but Lucifer, definitely not. He’d find a much subtler way to exact his revenge. I don’t think that’ll be a problem anymore, because I lost my house even more points. What a surprise.

First though, I wrote my dad on Saturday. I told him that I didn’t care that he didn’t want to talk to me (a lie), that it was okay that he liked Lucifer more than me (a lie), and that I just wanted to hear from him if he ever felt like it. I told him about what had happened to Lucifer and made sure to tell him nothing about me. I mean, if he was writing Lucifer in the first place, he wouldn’t want to hear about me. He wouldn’t read it if I wrote it anyway.

Speaking of Saturday, it was the first Hogsmeade weekend. Since I’m not allowed to go, I sat around and talked to Lucifer a bit, and then I went off with Michael. The guy was absolutely freaking out, in his I-have-a-stick-up-my-ass way again. He kept making me check out Halloween preparations, which gave me the idea to do a prank, of course. So I basically rigged a ton of shit to the Halloween stuff to make all the Pumpkins explode right after the feast. Michael himself didn’t suspect a thing, and after he finished his own version of a freak out, I spent the rest of the day bugging him. He was nearly pulling out his hair by the time everyone got back, which was hilarious.

I mean, it WAS funny, until Crowley decided that when I was hanging around Michael was an appropriate time to run up and kiss me against a wall and then run away again, giggling of course. Michael gave me the same look that’s on his face now, basically: what, what, WHAT are you doing? He spent the next hour informing me that Crowley wasn’t the kind of person I wanted to be hanging around with, and telling me that not only could I do better (what the hell? HOW?), and that HE DISAPPROVES! Rich, coming from the guy who tried to detonate my brother the day before. I ditched after that; I had to make sure some of the smaller things I had planned would work, and I enlisted Crowley to help me with some of the small things. I whined at him for making Michael upset, and after that, we had sex, but that’s neither here nor there.

Going forward in time, today wasn’t that bad, all things considered. I spent the day idly tricking people and using up my stash from Zonko’s. It was awesome, and during my off time, I got to lay around in bed with Crowley and bitch about Luce’s bitching. I got to prank little children and have lazy sex all through the day, basically, and I mean, that’s like my idea of a perfect life. It could’ve used a little more Dean Winchester, though. I miss him, actually. Crowley is assuring me that he’s helping, but I can’t see how.

The feast was surprisingly good, actually. I sat between Crowley, who’s arm was around my waist the whole time, and Michael, who had apparently decided that I’m his friend. It was awkward, especially since Michael kept up a consistent glare at Crowley the entire time. I mean, the dude isn’t that bad, is he? He’s been nothing but awesome to me for the week and a half or so that I’ve known the guy. The feast, though. It was fucking delicious. There was so much food, so basically I stuffed my face and probably gained ten pounds. It was worth it; nobody can convince me otherwise. The sweets were absolutely magically divine, and generally the food, man. I almost went into a food coma it was so delicious.

My fun was after the feast though, because remember the explosives I put in the pumpkins? Well, I set them up so that they’d all go off at a little different times, and right after the feast, the first one blew. Everyone went silent and looked a little freaked out, but there wasn’t much else. Some people got splattered with pumpkin though, and that was hilarious. Crowley and I were giggling from the start, and Michael was already glaring at me. Then the next one went. Right after the second one, the third and fourth happened, so people started to freak out and run. A lot more people were hit with pumpkin.

After that, they started exploding a lot quicker, and some of them had smoke bombs and stuff, so there was smoke everywhere. Kids were crying and screaming and getting covered with pumpkin guts. I have to say, definitely one of my prouder moments. Crowley and I were doubled over laughing on the floor, and Michael really looked like he was about to cry.

When it was over and Crowley and I were off the floor, everyone in the whole room was glaring at us, but I really didn’t care! It was really, really, fun, but of course, old McGonagall took away fifty points. I mean, I probably deserved it, and I expected the two week detention, but I didn’t expect Michael to walk over to me AND SLAP ME IN THE FACE and start yelling at us in the middle of the hall. That earned Michael detention too, so that was good, but it really hurt, getting whacked in the face by a guy who seems so far above everyone. He lost his cool, and it was my fault.

Needless to say, we were immediately sent to detention, which is where we are now. Basically, I was made to feel like an idiotic loser when Professor Malfoy came in and lectured me on how I was acting out for attention and shit, which was all true and hurt really bad. I don’t want to hear that shit, ever, it’s uncomfortable. Plus, he told me that if I wasn’t good he would send me home for the year and fail me. Can he even do that? Fucking Christ. Either way, I was made to feel awful about myself, AGAIN, and I’m stuck in detention with a pervert and the equivalent of my dad: cares enough to make sure I don’t die, but clearly prefers Lucifer. Joy. They’re both nagging at me to get off my ass and clean and threatening to read my journal, so I’ll go. Jesus.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. Yeah, not great. Sorry, guys.


	17. Another Day, Still No Dollars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, the chapters of eternal pain are beginning. Fabulous. Yeah, emotional roller coaster incoming. Good luck. Also, Bobby is not actually eighty.

Wednesday, 11/3/13

I’m in detention right now, but since nobody’s with me, I’m free to sit around and write. Unfortunately, I can’t use magic to clean this fucking classroom, but like I said, nobody’s here, so I’m taking a break. A long ass break, but a break, nonetheless. What do you mean I’m procrastinating? I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

So pretty much everyone’s mad at me. By everyone, I do mean everyone, so for the past couple days I have done nothing but run from class to class and avoid people. The only exceptions are Lucifer, who’s out of the hospital wing, and Crowley, who has me running errands in between classes and detention. Lucifer is being an annoying little shit, taking every chance he can to brag about how ‘awesome’ he was in a duel that ended when I carried him down to the hospital wing. Ugh, asshat.

Speaking of Crowley though, I discovered a precious piece of information and I have been laughing my ass off for the last two days. So, I don’t think I’ve mentioned this, but our DADA teacher is a guy named Robert/Bobby Singer. Nobody calls him Professor, he’s just Bobby, or on rare occasions, Mr. Singer. The dude is old, like anywhere between 35 and like 80, but I can’t really tell. Anyway, that’s not what’s important. I mean, it is important, but the point of the story is that CROWLEY HAS A CRUSH ON HIM! I swear to God, it’s true! I saw him writing his name all over his transfiguration essay, and I laughed so hard I cried. The blush on the guy’s face was hilarious. I spent yesterday alluding to it when Bobby was around just to watch him squirm. Seriously, major entertainment value.

Of course, I’ve been doing things too. Crowley and I have been separating out the betting money and returning it. Mostly he’s distributing because everyone would love to see my head on a silver tray right now, but I digress! Of course, Crowley keeps a portion of everyone’s bets, so he’s making money too. I’d be impressed if he didn’t have a crush on an ancient dude that’s got a funny accent. Also, is everyone I know not straight? Well, except for Sam, and maybe Castiel, but other than that? It seems like it.

Seriously though, detention is so boring. I've spent the last four nights deep cleaning filthy classrooms! Isn't cleaning one of the reasons we have magic in the first place? Isn't this what Filch is for? Apparently not, because I have detention so often I might just wind up janitor. Plus, Lucifer finds it fun to distract me when I'm actually trying to clean. Yesterday he came down and started talking about Dean's eyes and how beautiful they are when I was working in the Transfiguration classroom. Of course, I left that class a little dirtier, since it is Professor Weasley's room, after all. I mean, I just don't like her. At all. Even if you don't raise your hand, she calls on you and EXPECTS YOU TO KNOW THE ANSWER. It's like, if I knew the answer, I would raise my hand! I don't know, everybody else seems to like her. I don't. Anyway, I had to resort to talking about Michael to get rid of Luce. He left blushing and cursing at me under his breath, which was a point for me. I'm waiting for the declaration of love, here!

I mean what I say about everyone being mad at me, though. I don't even know what I did! I was walking along in the hallway pretty late last night. I was coming back from detention, so I mean, I had an excuse to be out after curfew, but I still didn't want to see Filch or any of the prefects. Fortunately for me, I didn't. I ran into Michael. He didn't see me, though, so I was kind of just awkwardly stalking him in the hallway, but in perfect me fashion, I decided hey, why not jump him? So I decided to scare the crap out of a guy I actually like well enough just to be a jerk, so what? I thought it was going to be funny! Right when he turned a corner, I ran up to him as quietly as I could, and jumped on his back. What I didn't expect was him turning around, screaming, and fucking ASSAULTING me. I mean, how could I? The guy's such a pansy normally, but either way, he left me with two black eyes, dazed and on the floor while he yelled at me and stomped off. What the fuck? Now he won't get near me, much less talk to me, and since I'm almost always around Lucifer, he's getting deprived of Michael, which is making him pissy. It's only been a day, man! I almost feel bad for Luce, and maybe I would, if he hadn't laughed at my face this morning. It was weird though, he didn't even ask what happened. It was a little like he already knew. Ugh, creepy.

I’m really tired, but no, I’m supposed to clean this room and it’s nowhere near as clean as it’s supposed to be. I think it’s past midnight, and someone was supposed to come get me at curfew, since my adventure with Michael made him tell someone to tell me that I’m not allowed out after curfew, even for detention. I’m so annoyed with him! I mean, I made a mistake! Let me apologize! Little fuckface will be perfect for Lucifer. Hold on, someone’s coming.

So now I’m even angrier than before. It was Dean fucking Winchester, of course, and at first I was happy, but then he had the nerve to come in and ask about Crowley, of all people! He asked if I know what I’m doing, which I told him I do, and then he had to channel his inner Michael and tell me how much of ‘bad news’ the guy is! Well, fuck off! I know him enough, he seems good enough to me, and I don’t fucking care how much of a bad fucking influence he is. He asked if we were a couple, and I told him no, but we wound up shouting at each other in the DADA room. I told him that it was none of my business, and he decided to be fucking RIGHTEOUS and say that it was for my own good! I threw my shoe at him and he snarled at me, like legitimately snarled. He left, and now I feel really mad and frustrated, and I’m crying a bit too. God, why would he even care? What could he possibly see in an idiot like me? I don’t know, but I think I’ve ruined any chance of anything here. I’m an idiot. A blind, stupid idiot.

I’m back at my dorm now, and Lucifer is fast asleep. I was right, all the Astronomy kids are gone, so it’s gotta be past midnight. I miss my music so bad; I could really use it right now. I mean, why is muggle tech banned anyway? There’s a Muggle studies class! I’m a little too jittery to sleep, so I’m actually doing homework before Sunday night! Miracle, right? But even I know I’m just upset. I’m not going to talk about though, because I’m still denying that upset is an emotion that I’m feeling. Though, I guess I don’t have it the worst. At least nobody in either of my families has died, and they’re all happy. Even Lucifer, who’s content to chase after Michael in his roundabout way. Hold on, another something. This one’s at my window, and I swear to god if it’s an owl…

So my face has a bunch of new scratches when my tired brain decided to let my arms try to grab an owl. It assaulted me. On my face. OWLS, MAN. UGH. It brought a letter from my dad though, and I don’t know why it couldn’t wait until morning, but here I am. I don’t really want to open it. He might just tell me he’s disappointed. Again.

God damn it, twice is too many times to cry in a day! Yeah, I’m laying on the floor of the bathroom utterly sobbing, and it’s actually a good thing this time. My dad wrote five pages, front and back, I love you over and over again. On the last page, he told me I could tell him anything and that he was sorry for how he’s treated me since the divorce. He told me he cares about how my life is and he hears enough about Lucifer from Lucifer himself. God, I feel okay now. I feel okay, and I don’t fucking care about Dean and Michael, I can do what I feel is right, and Crowley is the only person who’s even vaguely friendly to me right now, so I’m going to keep doing whatever it is we’re doing. It isn’t their business at all. I’m gonna write my dad back tomorrow, but for now, I’m going to sleep. I’ve cried away all my energy.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops. That was probably WAY out of character, sorry, but I haven't been feeling well lately, so I"m not in the mood to revise it. Sorry, guys. Next chapter I'm writing in the next extra, so that should be a good chapter


	18. I Have a Strong Desire to Kill Someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy Jesus, eighteen chapters. This is the longest thing I've ever written, go me! So have a new chapter way ahead of schedule, because chapter twenty one that I just finished was an extra and they're fun to write so I just pulled it out of my ass at eleven at night. Therefore, this chapter will be posted now, two days early!

Saturday, 11/6/13

Now, that title’s not new, trust me, but it’s easier to reflect on in the hospital wing. Yes, I’m back in the mother fucking hospital wing. Yes, I am fucking pissed, but I have nothing better to do than write in this damn thing. God damn it.

Some Gryffindor girl named Kara cornered me in the hall today, and I mean, she’s been trying ever since the Halloween fiasco, but I managed to avoid her until today. She threw a total bitch fit and complained about how I ruined her ‘designer’ clothes. Please, I can tell a knockoff when I see one, and if anyone ever figures out I said/wrote/thought that, I’ll end them. Either way, I told her that her clothes were knockoffs, and she punched me in the face. Of course, I had to get ANOTHER black eye when the two from Michael JUST went away.

I headed down to the hospital wing to avoid everyone else, and I fell down the stairs. THE STONE STAIRS. I broke my nose and did something to my left arm, because it hurts to move it. When I finally did get to the hospital wing, Madame Pomfrey was out, and she hasn’t been back since. She has this girl (the one that sings terribly?) watching things, but she said herself that she’s actually useless at medical stuff, so no go. Why is she even here? To suck and be useless? I don’t know, but she’s useless and she sucks and I wish she would leave me alone, but she seems to think I need company or some shit. I’m so done.

In other news, Dean Fucking Winchester has decided it’s his job to baby me and treat me like a fucking five year old instead of the semi mature, almost adult that I am! I am so angry with him I can’t even. It is literally NONE of his business who I go around doing things with and he seems to think like it IS and I want to punch him! I mean, he’s younger than me, for god’s sake! I don’t understand; he acts like he hates me and then takes it upon himself to protect my honor and it makes me so mad! Sorry, maybe I should back up a bit.

Crowley came in to see me as soon as he heard that I was in the hospital wing. I told him it was nothing; after all, I’m in here so often my body’s practically used to pain. I ranted to him for a little while, and then he kissed me to make me shut the fuck up and also because he said he felt like it. Of fucking course though, Dean Fucking Winchester and Michael the queen bitch decided to come ‘visit me’ right then, and walked in to me kissing him. Dead silence, of course, and then Crowley cleared his throat and started sassing at them, which was funny until they started glaring at me and telling me how much of a bad influence he is IN FRONT OF HIM. Crowley looked more angry then I have ever seen him in all the time I’ve known him, and I was too, but I mean, he looked fucking murderous. He promised them he would make them pay for it and then stalked out of the room, which I would’ve laughed at if I weren’t being treated like the stupid child for the fiftieth time in my life.

The queen and his little worker bee decided that it was their fucking ‘duty’ or some shit to educate me on why the hell Crowley was a bad idea, which I’m not going to say I tuned out, but I don’t fucking care! I like the guy, and he’s my only friend! I don’t care what he or his family may or may not have done before I even got into wizarding school! Nor do I care about any stupid mishaps that happened before I got here; I just care that he’s here now and I actually like him, which is more than I can say for fucking Michael and Dean, now! My brother is getting annoyed with Michael too, finally, and is guarding me from him whenever he can. He just needs to go get the guy laid or some shit, I don’t even care. I think he just needs TO STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS. It’s not even his problem, it’s mine, and I’ll deal with it how I please. They are harassing me, goddammit!

Lucifer just came in and interrupted, as he’s so good at doing. He’s getting suspicious as to why I have a book I carry around everywhere, but I just keep telling him it’s something Kali sent and he won’t bother. Speaking of, fucking Kali. I hate her. I hate her! That really isn’t the point at all, but what a fucking bitch! Why the hell would you be friends with someone for six years then suddenly tell them you hate them and to fuck off? WE DATED, for god’s sake, and she tells me this NOW, when I’m thousands of miles away and can’t fucking punch her in his smug ass face? FUCK HER. Which I suppose when you think about it, is probably why she told me while I was here, so I wouldn’t cast a fucking spell on her to make boils on her bitchy face.

Back to the point, Lucifer came in because he heard Dean whining about me to Cas about my ‘new boyfriend,’ so he came in demanding an explanation. Now I just want to stab him with a fucking spork, hot or not. He just had to tell my brother I’m dating a guy, which isn’t even true. God, I either want to kill Dean or have sex with Dean and I’m not sure which at this point.

Back to the point, again, he came in and demanded an explanation for Crowley, which I gave him. I told him that we weren’t dating, and that we’d just made a deal which included the sex and stuff, and I mean, he was surprisingly cool about it. He just mumbled that he didn’t even know I liked guys in the first place, which fucking killed me. I told him about what Dean and Michael, the dicks, had told me about him, and he seemed a little worried, but he told me that it was my decision, fucking finally! I mean, some of the shit he’s apparently done is pretty shitty, but I could really care less. Who ever said I was a saint? Yeah, nobody. We may be named after angels, my brother and me, but we have never, ever been anywhere close to them. We were always terrible children, even before the divorce. It sucks to have a twin that craves attention when you crave attention too.

Other than this whole shit fest, nothing has happened since last time I wrote. I don’t even have anything to do today but complain, which feels FUCKING GREAT, thank you very much, so I mean, it hasn’t been a good day at all, but I got to lay around and eat all day, so it wasn’t the worst I’ve had. I think that goes to the day I got hit with a chair. Why was there even a plastic chair in that class? I think we were doing an acid test that day or something, but my memory of that day is really fucking bad, so…

I’ve been a fucking bitch this whole time. No, this is not an apology. They don’t disserve to dictate my life; that’s my job. Crowley’s back, and together we’re plotting the murder of a certain Head Boy and an attractive assbutt while we cuddle. It’s the most happy I’ve been all day, really. Really, I’ve been waiting to have sex all day to get out some of my utter fury, but my arm and face are killing me and I’m getting sleepy. I still might, but not now, because I’m curled up next to a warm body and I’ve been so angry I’ve worn myself out. Gabriel out, bitches, I’m going to sleep. Fucking Madame Pomfrey, get your butt back here  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, like I said earlier in life, there's not a lot of happy in these chapters, so sorry about that! It might be a little out of character, so for that, I'm sorry, but I'm trying, so please point anything out if it sounds stupid or unrealistic. I'm tired, going to be now, see you all in a couple days!


	19. Would You Call it Destiel?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late as all fuck chapter. I have a lot of school work lately that's been stressing me out, and I've been reading a fantastically sad book, so I've been a little busy. Forgive me the quality of this chapter, too, and I promise it'll all be worth it in two chapters, when we reach the extra.

Thursday, 11/11/13

I’m still in detention, but now I have brother dearest to keep me company. Which is totally fucking AWESOME because I really just want to cry. God, I’m so stupid. What was I even thinking? I hate this stupid school, I hate Michael Novak, and most of all, I hate Dean Winchester. I’m such an idiot.

So Dean and Castiel are dating. At least, I think so, but so does Lucifer, and Michael apparently thinks it’s been bound to happen, and nobody bothered to tell me. I mean, they always hang out, they both like the same things, they’re always smiling and laughing and running around together and oh my god. I’m stupid. Why didn’t I realize? You only really have to look at them; they’d be the perfect couple. And I mean, I suspected, I have for a while, but I was dumb enough to think that there was no way.

Lucifer came in to join me in detention like an hour ago, after he snuck down to get some food and got caught. At first he was laughing, but then he started talking about how Dean and Cas were like the perfect couple and how he saw them together in the library messing with Sam and how fucking cute it was and I just realized that I’m a stupid asshole who’s been being a huge dick to everyone around me for the sake of a guy who probably hasn’t even given me a second glance. My brother just wouldn’t shut up about how sweet of a couple they are and how Michael was complaining about how Castiel and Dean really didn’t seem like just friends and maybe they should do something about it. I was really too upset to ask why he knew what Michael was saying about Dean and Cas if he hates Michael so much.

He’s shut up now, but he has to be right. I mean, if he and Michael both think they’re dating, they probably are. Lucifer has an uncanny ability to read people, and Michael has known them both for a long time, so I trust them. I’m the dumbass who was pretending not to see it when it was in front of my face. Jesus. I feel like my life has flipped over. Since I moved here, my brother has become unpopular and now popular again, I've lost all of my friends and got a new one, sort of, I've been insulted, tripped down the stairs, worn panties and flashed more people than I'd like to admit, got a crush for the first time in two years, cried more times than I'd care to admit, fallen off a broom, got hit by a chair, and written in a journal. Dear god, I feel like a different person. A sadder, more frustrated than ever person.

Speaking of more frustrated, I'm so lonely here. My only company has gained an entourage of devoted followers since his duel, and Crowley's been so busy that he doesn't even have time for me. Michael is being an utter asshole, and Dean? I don't want to talk about fucking Dean right now. Sam's been good to me, but he doesn't know what's going on with me and I don't want him to. My problems are my business; I don't have to bother with telling them to anyone else. God, I just want to go home. I miss my little sisters and my mom and Zach. The younger two girls were always really fun and Anna was such a sweetheart. At least I could always count on Zach to listen to me, but now they don't even respond to letters. I just wanna talk to my mom and my step-dad, but no, a stupid fucking owl can't even handle simple letters.

I think I'm sick, too, which sucks, and by sick I mean mentally. I mean, what's wrong with me lately? I haven't been sleeping at all; I spend my nights wandering around and avoiding the prefects and Mr. Filch and his demon cat. I thought I lost my fear of the dark long ago, but I guess not. It's terrifying, wandering around Hogwarts at night by yourself, but I just can't sleep, no matter how tired I am. Even little naps are hard. I feel like I'm just the world's biggest idiot. I don't know what I'm doing here. Maybe I'm dead or something, but I'm just so tired I wouldn't be able to tell anyway. I want to see Dean, I want to hug him, to do something with him, and I'd kill to see him smile again, but those days are gone. I'm surprised I'm still in normal humor, despite everything else that's been going on. I only start getting really sick at night, and I mean, it's there during the day, I can just push it back when there are other things to focus on. At night, though, when there's nothing to do but wander or pretend to sleep, I get so lost in my own head. Again, a therapist might be a good thing for this place to invest in. I think I seriously need one, now.

I wrote my dad, just so I could tell him some of this stuff. I didn't tell him all of it, just that I'm not sleeping and I'm a little worried for my mental health. I'm not sure he'll care, but I can dream. Besides, it feels a little better to talk about it, and the only other person around is my twin brother, who nobody should ever trust with a secret. He looks concerned, though. Maybe I should, but it's hard to say it to his face. I'm not sure what he'd say. After all, he is Lucifer. He could try to help or he might laugh in my face; there's really no way to tell until it's too late, and I don't really wanna go down that road until it's necessary. No, on second thought, I'm going down this fucking road. Say hello to my twin brother, Satan.

Wow. Wow. First of all, really? Satan? Gabriel, you need a better nickname for me. Second, you told me not to say anything, to just write it in here, so for the sake of your own fleeting mental health, I'm obliging you. First of all, brother dearest, I wouldn't laugh at you for these things. I'm not THAT bad. I am sorry, believe me, I am. I love you, as much as I never say it, (and neither do you, Gabe. Remember that when you ask yourself which one of us doesn't care) and I do worry about your problems, as much as I'm sure you worry about mine. For example, my relationship with He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named II is purely hatred, nothing more, so do please stop implying otherwise, or I'll make sure you shut up.

Third, I'd forgotten about your crush on Dean Winchester, so I'm sorry for that. I won't deny that you're an idiot, but you aren't irreparable, and I will always be here when you need me. You are my twin brother, after all. I would advise you please see Madame Pomfrey about the apparent insomnia and the mental problems. She may not be a shrink, but she'd probably be more useful than wallowing in your self pity, brother. This isn't helping you at all, and you know it. Get some friends, but until then, we're going to sneak into the Gryffindor tower and borrow something from our little friend Dean.

Hello, Gabriel here. My brother is a huge dick, but eh, he can be okay. Sometimes. RARELY. Like now, for example, because we just ditched detention, snuck in to the Gryffindor tower, and stole Dean Winchester’s laptop. I’m gonna be in huge trouble tomorrow for leaving detention early, but until then, I’m enjoying Disney movies with my brother. I also sent some of my internet friends a message explaining where I am. I feel awful; they’ve been asking after me for like a month now. I wonder why his laptop works but not mine. Maybe it’s special? Either way, I’m hiding it; there’s no way I’m giving this back unless I get paid. I missed the internet.

I’m almost okay, I think. Maybe by tomorrow, but I’m not sure. I mean, I could see Madame Pomfrey, but I’m not sure it would help. Lucifer is reading over my shoulder and smacking me and yanking my hair as hard as he can, the dick. Speaking of, nickname wise, I’m gonna call him Luci. And it’s going to be hilarious. You wanted the nickname, Lucifer!  
\--Gabriel Shirley

~Lucifer Shirley  
(He insisted on being in here, damn him!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nearly twenty chapters down, and getting very close to Luci/Gabe's birthday. In the story, it's the twenty fourth of February, so in real life, we're actually really close. I can't wait for y'all to see the extra, but please be patient with me, because as I said, life has been getting in the way a lot lately, so I can't write as much as I'd like.


	20. We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter twenty! woooooo! Next extra is really good, and next chapter, too! Unfortunately, I have two English projects due this week, so the update might be a little late! Sorry! All credit for the title quote goes to the author of The Perks of Being A Wallflower, whose name escapes me at the moment

Saturday, 11/13/13

I had a bad day, honestly. I was being a douche, and I got what I deserved for it. I mean, I can’t even believe Crowley forgave me after some of the things I said today… I think I’m lucky. Look, I’m sorry for Thursday, too. My life has been a fucking mess lately. Let me start at the beginning, shall I?

Yesterday was a really bad day, and not like today. I was mad at the world, and I ignored everyone. Well, everyone except for Crowley, but I barely acknowledged him, which I think pissed him off, because he was kind of ignoring me today. Anyway, I spent the day online, skipping class in my room on Dean’s laptop. I missed the internet. I caught up on a bunch of the things I’d missed and got a list of movies I need to watch over Christmas break, and new books that look interesting. Also, about the title, yes, I have read The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and I loved it. Trust me when I say it’s accurate.

Anyway, yesterday was quite boring. I was once again assaulted by a unicorn, but this time it was the baby, who’s starting to mature, therefore it’s starting to dislike me. Scarily, the mama seemed so sad when she saw me. I didn’t cry, but I felt really uncomfortable because she came over and laid her head on my shoulder for a minute. She wandered away after that, and she let me play with the baby for a while, before it attacked me. Professor Hagrid wanted to know if I was okay after that, so at risk of having to have that conversation, I ran away. Of course, though, I had to run into Professor Malfoy. He and I talked about it for a bit, but as is typical of me, I got angry for no reason and yelled at him and ran some more.

Today wasn’t much better. I followed Crowley around all day because I’ve been upset lately. I mean, I was joking, but I took it too far. I spent the whole day insulting him for liking an older guy. I ruthlessly mocked my only friend, and if that doesn’t tell you why I don’t have any friends, I don’t know what will. I watched him snap through the whole day, and laughed at him for it. What does that make me? A shitty friend, that’s what. And it sucks, because even after all this, I still think it was funny.

What happened, really, was Crowley got fed up with me. He dragged me by the hair out of the library all the way up to my room, where he dropped me on the floor and kicked me around, all the while screaming at me. He wound up curled on the floor next to me, crying. He told me that he was really lonely, and that was the only reason he asked me to make the deal with him. He told me he only asked me because I was the only one gullible enough to make friends with him. It really hurt me, but I felt really humble, and I still do. I screwed around with him and made fun of him, and he just wanted company. He yelled at me some more; told me that my job was to love him unconditionally and stay around, and I told him I would. Contrary to popular belief, I like the guy, and I can understand when I’ve done something wrong, and I definitely fucked up.

Of course, though, he told me he couldn’t actually help me get Dean if he tried. I mean, what did I expect, if our relationship was built off of a scam? The truth? Not really, but as angry as I am at him, I fucked up, and it’s my fault. We forgave each other today, and we spent a lot of the day up on the Astronomy Tower just talking. He told me something I almost can’t even believe: the first time he ever had sex was with MICHAEL, of all people! Apparently, in third year, he and Michael had a secret relationship and had sex, after which, they broke up, and ever since, Michael’s hated him. What the fuck? MICHAEL? AND CROWLEY? I just. What? On the other hand, he told me that it makes really great blackmail material. Michael’s always been a goody-two-shoes, so apparently all the teachers like him. Therefore, every time Crowley would get in serious trouble, Michael would stand up for him and give him an alibi.

I told him about some of the shit going on with me and he actually seemed interested. I talked to him about what life had been like before the divorce and Lucifer’s abuse. He and I really got close, I guess, which was really nice. I mean, we almost missed my brother’s first quidditch match for it, but oh well. We ran all the way there, laughing, and it felt pretty good. I don’t fucking care about Michael, and I care a little bit about Dean, but that doesn’t matter. I have the right to like who I like.

We curled up in the stands together because it was fucking cold and neither of us had a blanket or anything, so we sat there and froze to death. Since it was the first match, it was Gryffindor against Slytherin, which made it hard to pick who to root for. Either my crush who’s a douche, or my brother and his crush who are both mega douches. Eventually I decided to go for my house, if only because I think my house would hate me even more if I rooted for a different team during Quidditch season. I mean, I don’t particularly like my house that much either, so I don’t really care how much they hate me, but it also seems like my house carries violent grudges, and I really don’t want to be on the receiving end of that.

The game was fun to watch, honestly, even though it’s not really my thing. After a while, Sam and Cas came to sit by us, and I’m not going to lie; I didn’t speak to Cas. When I get jealous, I GET JEALOUS. Therefore, I’m shunning the asshat. Sam, at least, didn’t ignore Crowley and was actually really nice to him. And it turns out, Crowley isn’t as much of an idiot as I thought, he aced his O.W.L.S, which are the standardized tests here. I mean, I did okay on my tests too, but I didn’t ace them. I had to retake some of them just to prove I was good enough for seventh year classes here, which sucked, but Luci and I did alright. During the whole game, pretty much, Sam and Crowley discussed how magic might actually be scientific. Needless to say, I was bored out of my mind.

Anyway, back to the game. It was really cool when I got to see my brother fly out on to the field, following Michael without complaint, for once. They both looked really excited, but the Gryffindor team got way more cheers than we did, probably because we’re Slytherin, so no big surprise there. It started after Michael shook hands with the other team captain, and they took off. Quidditch is really hard to follow, which is why I hardly ever watch it. I spent more time observing the players than actually watching what the hell was going on in the game. Unlike our team, the Gryffindors actually had girls on their team. Michael complained about it a while ago, saying that they didn’t have any good girls try out that year, but it wasn’t really important. There were two on the other team though, a red head and a blonde, both of them having more fun then our entire team combined. Seriously, our team really only wanted to win. It was kind of lame.

We did lose, though, but my brother did really good. He seemed nervous, which is unlike him, but he got some confidence later in the game and did better. Michael, too, as much as I hate to admit it, did really well. He really is a good keeper, unfortunately. Dean was really good though. Like, really good. Crowley says I’m playing favorites, but he did amazing. He can fly so fast on a broom, and he just... Wow. I loved watching it; I had fun. My brother complained that I was looking at Dean too much, but I really don’t care. Crowley laughed at me, but I deserved it, so I’m choosing to ignore it.

I never went to the hospital wing, either. I know I should, I just don’t really want to. I hate it there.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. Badly written character development, but character development nonetheless! I apologize, December is the interesting month, but we'll get there, I promise.


	21. Extra: Michael and Lucifer's Adventures in Awkwardville

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap, more than twenty chapters! Here's the second extra for you all, from Michael and Lucifer's respective points of view, where things happen and my otp gets somewhere! Thank you so much if you've read to this point; you're officially reading the longest thing I've ever written!

It was extraordinarily uncomfortable feeling like I was constantly being watched. Of course, when I asked Castiel about it, he told me it was probably just the paintings or a ghost or something, but it was still very uncomfortable. In addition, I had gone to Hogwarts six years prior to the unnerving feeling and never felt it before, so I assumed it couldn’t be something that had been there before. That only left Gabriel and Lucifer Shirley, though, and the thought of either of the two of them following me around was worse than the initial feeling.

Gabriel, while he generally had good intentions, tended to be annoying, and his lack of boundaries made me really unhappy, especially when he jumped me in the hall. I knew I should’ve apologized for hurting him, but the terror and anger over it and his dealings with Crowley made me put it off. I had never liked Crowley, and I was only trying to look after the ungrateful candy glutton, as little as he believed it.

Lucifer, on the other hand, was a different story. Looking at him made me so, so happy that it was unfair. He wasn’t nice, or sweet, or anything I’d always thought I’d liked in boys after my brief and awful stint with Crowley, but watching him take care of his brother and laugh and smile, and even listening to his stupid, stupid voice did things to my head, things that couldn’t have been hatred. Unfortunate for me, since he hated me. And a part of me hated him too, so if it were him following me, I wasn’t sure if I would choke him or pin him to a wall or both.

When it all came to a head, it was on one of my late night patrols, which was one of the few times I felt the feeling. Usually, it was late at night or early in the morning. Sometimes, it happened during the day, but rarely. But it was late that time, and I wandered around the halls by myself. I listened for footsteps and heard them, but that was normal. They would stop every time I stopped, and start again when I started walking again. I had screamed and yelled the first few times I had heard them, and the person had left me alone, but they always came back, so I gave up trying. For a while, I’d had someone come make rounds with me, but it got awkward, so I stopped asking, and the person came back again.

That night was the first time I’d actually had a good idea regarding figuring out who it was, though, and as I walked, I thought through the details in my head: I would simply stop walking as soon as I turned a corner, and use a spell to create the sound of my footsteps so that the person would keep walking. I spent the rest of the night thinking of the proper spell and proper corner, so by the time I figured it all out, I had only five minutes until I had to head back to the dorm.

I pulled it off flawlessly, as I generally did, and when the person turned the corner, I grabbed their shirt and yanked them to the ground. When I actually looked at who it was, a blush crawled on to my face as I stared Lucifer Shirley down. He looked terrified and embarrassed, and had a blush matching mine. Both of us pulled away and stood up, and for a second we just look at each other. He rubbed the back of his neck.

“Hi, Micha,” he mumbled, using his nickname for me that he had made up to annoy me. Personally, I found it cute, but I would never tell him that.

“It’s been you? This whole time?” I growled at him, and he ducked his head a little further. It was amazing, being this close to him. He looked so tired and embarrassed, but he still shone like a star. It almost hurt to look at him.

“Yes.” He turned away, like he was trying to figure out if he could run fast enough to get away from me, but I latched on to his arm before he could.

“Good God, Lucifer, grow a spine,” I told him, and then I wrenched his head to mine and kissed him.

+++

That hadn’t been how I’d envisioned my first kiss of my life AT ALL. First off, it wouldn’t have happened in a random fucking hallway, it would’ve been somewhere more personal. Second, Michael wouldn’t have caught me fucking stalking him when it happened, and third, I wouldn’t have run away. I wouldn’t have it with anyone else, of course, it needed to be Michael. He was infuriatingly gorgeous and rude and teased me in all the right ways, and all I wanted was the attention. All I wanted was for him to look at me like Gabriel looked at Dean Winchester, before I fucked that up and told him that Dean was dating someone else. It hurt to look at my brother after that. He looked so sad.

I fucked everything up, as per usual, and wound up curled in my sheets and screaming into my pillow the next morning. Gabriel was awake, but he didn’t bother me. He went off to take a shower and give me the privacy to cry on my own. He always had been the good brother, I figured. I cried myself to sleep after I decided to just skip breakfast, since it was Sunday, and going to breakfast meant seeing Michael, which I didn’t want at all. I couldn’t forget what his lips felt like, tasted like. I wasn’t sure if I would’ve been able to focus around him. He always made me so mad, but in a way that felt like comfort. I wanted to be the best I could be in front of him, I wanted to be perfect in front of him, and I had just messed that up royally. So I stayed curled in my bed all morning. God, how sad could I get?

When Gabriel got back from breakfast, I had eaten quite a bit of his candy, which would’ve pissed him off normally, but I didn’t really give a flying fuck that day. He whined and bitched to his fuck buddy, Crowley, or something like that, but he didn’t realize I was awake until I threw a rock at his head. I kept a bag of them by my bed solely for that purpose. He said nothing; instead, he shooed his only friend out and pushed my curtains away to climb into my bed like we did when we were kids, before our family split up. We curled up around each other, and neither of us said anything, thankfully. We slept some more of the day away like that, and I was infinitely grateful that Gabriel answered the door when Michael knocked on it.

“Gabriel, is Lucifer here?”

“He’s not here. I don’t know where he is.”

“Gabriel, I need to see him.”

“So you decided that after a week of ignoring me and criticizing me, I care about what you need? I don’t. Have fun looking for Satan, or whatever.” I smiled when he shut the door in his face, but I felt ugly and sick at the same time, too. I wanted to see him so bad, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know what I’d tell him. He’d kissed me, so that meant that he must’ve liked me, at least a little, but I didn’t see how. I wanted him to like me, but I wasn’t brave enough to go see him and ask if he did. There was a definite reason why I wasn’t in Gryffindor, and I was angry that I couldn’t be strong enough to just get up and talk to a guy.

I stayed in bed with my twin brother, idly stroking his hair, and he mine.

“Luci, honey?” My brother asked. I could hear how tired he was in his voice, but I knew he didn’t sleep. He wasn’t in bed whenever I got back, even when it was particularly late, and when he came back in the mornings, he always looked haunted. I worried for him, and I wished he could go home, for his own health. Not only that, but the only reason we were here in the first place was so that we could get along, and that obviously wasn’t happening.

“Yes, Gabe?” I simply pulled on his hair a bit harder than I had before. I wasn’t interested in talking or having a damn heart to heart.

“You can always trust me to do whatever, y’know? So, if Michael’s bothering you, I can just shove him down the stairs or something, get him to stop bothering you.” We both giggled, as much as I hate to say that I giggled, and then the emotional moment was over. Gabriel climbed out of bed and flashed me in the process. Really, seeing your twin brother in panties? Not as fun as porn makes it look, I promise.

“Also, take a shower. You stink!” He laughed and ran when I threw another rock at him. It ricocheted off the wall and hit me in the face. I cursed and threw it up and destroyed it with some spell or another, and then I got up to take a shower.

Through the whole shower, I found myself unconsciously touching my lips, which made me uncomfortable. It had been my first kiss, after all, and I just didn’t know if it was supposed to make me feel that elated or not. Even when I got out of the shower and threw a pair of jeans and a ratty old concert t-shirt on, I couldn’t stop touching my lips, or smiling, for that matter. Kissing him had been so nice. I wanted to do it again, that was all I knew. I forced myself to focus on the big picture. I could sit in my room and wonder if he loved me and wish to be kissed some more, or I could fucking do something and go ask him myself. Instantly, I knew which one I wanted. I grabbed my towel off the floor, scrubbed my hair until it was somewhat dry, and then ran out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, the chance to make my otp mildly canon! I have been waiting for SO LONG. I really like this chapter, but do please let me know if you like it~


	22. Stars and Seeing Them in Other People

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter twenty two is here, hooray! Where I am, I'm getting to the really interesting plot points that come of December, so we'll have some chapters that are purposefully quite short, but that means more frequent updates, so look forward to that.

Friday, 11/19/13

Seriously, awkward is practically my middle name now. I swear, can I ever just have one day where I’m not a complete loser? No, no I can’t. Trust me.

So lately, Michael has just decided to hang out with me again, which is annoying as all fuck, especially since I kind of got mad at him on Sunday. My brother was really upset about something or other, so I told him to fuck the fuck off, basically. Since then, he’s just kind of been… Around. He’s talking to me again, but he always has that look on his face like he smells something rotten whenever Crowley’s around, which I mean, I get it now, but still. He’s still a douche. And I just don’t understand. You can’t go from being mad at someone to immediately liking someone again.

Speaking of Sunday, Lucifer was really weird all that day. When I got back from wandering all night, he was crying in bed, so I just kind of left him alone. I went to breakfast, and Michael seemed annoyed, which is unusual for the ice queen. Conceal, don’t feel, and all that jazz. So I went back upstairs, and Lucifer was still in bed, which was fucking weird. I mean, he’s hardly ever in the room, much less in bed, so I just kind of assumed he was asleep and whined about how to Crowley, at least until he threw a fucking rock at my head. That’s kind of when I got that he was really upset, so I shooed Crowley and curled up with my twin for the first time in a long time. Then Michael knocked, so I just told him I didn’t know where Luci was and told him to get out, which he did. He actually looked really worried, though, so at least he cares. After that, my brother and I had an awkward conversation, and then he started throwing things again, so I left.

I mean, lately, he’s been actually kind of sweet. He smiles more. I don’t know what happened with him, but he and Michael spend all their time around me, and together or not, I feel like a fucking third wheel around them. Like, seriously? Can you save the lovey dovey shit for, I don’t know, THE BEDROOM?

I actually met someone new this week, but it was just a quick greeting really. Her name was Charlie, a Gryffindor girl. She was hanging out in the library at the same time that I happened to be struggling with homework, and she came by and helped. She’s got the coolest hair, and she seems pretty interesting. She was listening to music, which makes me wonder, again, how the fucking Gryffindors have working muggle shit. I am so angry about that; I want to use my IPod so bad it’s not even funny. I still steal Dean’s laptop on occasion, which, I mean, I’m pretty sure it pisses him off, but whatever; I always return it. The internet and maybe Crowley are pretty much the only things keeping me sane right now, so I really don’t care if he’s mad at me or not. Of course, I care for other reasons, like the fact that I want him to kiss me, and that’s not as likely when he’s mad. It’s not likely anyway, since he has a boyfriend. Christ, getting over him would be nice.

Speaking of Dean, we went flying the other day. It was just kind of awkward; he showed up at my room pretty late at night and asked if I minded flying with him. I said I didn’t mind, despite the fact that it was dark and flying in the dark is even worse than flying during the day. Dean didn’t seem to like it that much either, which was confusing. I mean, why would he invite me flying with him if he didn’t even want to? Plus, it was really fucking cold! I might really need to switch out of the skirts soon. It hasn’t snowed yet, but I’m pretty sure it’s coming, and I really don’t want to freeze to death. Lucifer told me once that during the winter when he was gone from home that he had no jacket or anything, so he came dangerously close to freezing to death, until someone took him in to their house for the night. That shit’s just creepy, and also, slow and painful. If I were to die, I’d wanna be stabbed or something. It’d be quicker.

Anyway, the nice part about flying with Dean was when it got so cold that I was shivering particularly bad, he gave me his jacket. I haven’t given it back yet. He also apologized for the things he said about Crowley, but he seemed kind of insincere. I mean, I wouldn’t really know, because I was more focused on his arm around me, since by that point we’d migrated to the ground. He was warm, and we sat out and watched the stars a little. It wasn’t all that amazing, since we were in this really uncomfortable silence, but it was a start. I feel a bit like I’m trying to make him break up with Cas, though, which, I mean, I’d like, but I don’t want to upset Cas. I like the guy, well enough to not want his boyfriend to break up with him, but Dean’s arm around me made the stars seem at least twice as bright.

Right now, Crowley and I are sitting around in the kitchen, and I feel really bad about it too, because lately, now that I’ve stopped sleeping at night, so has he. His grades are slipping a bit, and I’m feeling like a huge douche, but he insists that it’s fun and that he doesn’t care. I’m assuming he doesn’t care all that much, because the more detention he gets in Bobby Singer’s class, the more he gets to see the guy, since the old man never leaves his classroom. Since his classroom is always kind of a mess, his detentions are always to clean his room, or to just write out an extra essay on something. Crowley, of course, loves detention in that class, since cleaning means he gets to spend quality time with his illegal crush, and he’s smart enough that an extra essay isn’t really a problem.

Anyway, we’re sitting around pigging out in the kitchen, and I can practically feel the weight gain. Crowley says it’s good, because I’ve been losing weight lately. I mean, it’s probably a side effect of whatever emotional crisis is going on with me right now, but it’s good to go back to being comfortably chubby. My clothes (like the women’s kind) have been kind of loose on me, but I’m filling them out again, thankfully. I’ve always liked being a little chubby, since it means I can eat pretty much whatever I want. Lucifer doesn’t get it, and most people are surprised when/ if I tell them. My body image has never been a problem for me. On the contrary, it’s my feelings about other people and me mentally that always get in the way.

Sorry, took a break. Crowley and I decided to blatantly break the rules, so here I am, writing by flashlight in the Forbidden Forest! Honestly, I thought this would be far less creepy than it is. Neither of us thought we’d be going here, so neither of us have coats, and it’s really cold. I mean, that’s not too bad, since at least there isn’t any snow, but there’s this constant feeling of being watched everywhere we go. I asked Crowley, and it’s not just me. There’s also spiders just about everywhere you look. Crowley wound up with one the size of his hand in his hair a couple minutes ago. Seriously, there’s a reason this place is called forbidden. I’m legitimately terrified, so there’s that. Okay, we’re getting out of here, be back in a minute.

Jesus fuck. HOLY JESUS FUCK. I don’t know what the fuck it was, but something followed us all the way back to the castle, and we were both sprinting. As soon as we decided to get out of there, it just started getting faster the closer we got to the castle, so we wound up running. By some miracle, it didn’t follow us into the building, and then we ran around and found Michael while I fucking sobbed. Michael was a dick, but a worried dick, so he agreed not to turn us in, and he took us both back to the dorms. I’m back in bed now, though, and weirdly, I feel like sleeping. I’m actually sleepy, so I’m gonna try to catch a couple minutes of sleep, which I doubt will be good after that horrifying experience.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, I believe the next two chapters are boring and the next one after that is mildly sad! Have fun with that, see y'all in a couple days, if I'm lucky!


	23. Turkeys Are Better Than Owls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I am so sorry this is almost two days late! I've been having a hard week, and when I did have the time to write yesterday, I wound up writing Michifer smut and not this, so there's that. Almost to a major plot point! Thanks for sticking with me!

Thursday, 11/25/13

Today is Thanksgiving, or at least it was an hour ago. A bunch of the other various American students were holding a Thanksgiving dinner, so Lucifer and I went to that. It was us, the Novaks, the Winchesters, Charlie, one of her friends, Emily, and a couple other families, all hanging out in the room of requirement and pigging out on food stolen from the kitchens last night. It was surprisingly delicious, for a bunch of day old food. It was an awkward dinner, though, considering there really wasn’t anyone for me to talk to until after we all split off from the table. I mean, we all pretty much just grabbed our plates and wandered off, so after that, at least I could hang out with Sam.

Unfortunately for me, they didn't really have much desert other than pie, and apparently Dean loves pie, because he ate it all in about a minute. More unfortunate occasions, Crowley was in detention, and he's also a Brit, so he couldn't come. I mean, can he take a break from Bobby Singer and sneak in to a party to keep me company? Apparently not.

So, Sam and I hung out a lot of the time, a long with Charlie and her friend. They’re both pretty cool, and Charlie’s really super smart with technology stuff. I was tempted to ask if she was the one who did Dean’s computer, but I decided against it, since she doesn’t really know me all that well. Maybe sometime I’ll make the effort, but I mean, I was a little tired, so I was quiet through most of dinner, except to show my appreciation for the dessert, because DAMN that shit was delicious.

Back to the point though, I noticed about halfway through dinner that Michael and Lucifer sat next to each other the whole night, and they would give each other these really cutesy looks, and whenever they caught each other’s eyes, they would blush. I asked Sam about it, and sure enough, he noticed too. Now I know SOMETHING has happened, because they’re being cute, and their arguments haven’t been as nasty in the past week or so. Plus, like I mentioned last entry, Lucifer hasn’t been sneaking out lately, at all. I mean, eventually I knew he’d get bored of it, but I already thought he was following Michael around on his patrols, but when they stop as soon as something changes with those two, I feel like I’m missing something. Sam said he didn’t really know, but he also said he knew what I was talking about, and if Sam sees it too, it can’t just be me being crazy, like normal.

Everyone here is freaking out over Christmas break; it's insane. People are already talking about what they want for Christmas, and who's gonna give who what, and it kinda sucks. I mean, I spent most of our allowance here on food and joke stuff, so we don't really have any money, and Dad doesn't really have the money to spare, even if we could go to Hogsmeade, which we can't. Luci and I don't even know whether we're going home or not for break, but at EYWA we never did, so I'm assuming we aren't. Ugh. Another holiday in hell, how fun.

But dinner’s over now, and Luce and I are hanging out in our room, and I gave up trying to get what changed between him and Michael when he started throwing things and blushing redder than the cherry Jolly Ranchers my dad managed to get me. I’ll get to that in a minute, but for now, it’s one in the morning, and Lucifer is just starting to drift off, finally, but I’m pretty sure Crowley’s already asleep by now, since he’s gotta be back from detention by now. I’m really bored here, so I might go down to the kitchen when Lucifer falls asleep. Hang on.

Yeah, I just smuggled a whole cake from the kitchen, and I’m pretty much just shoving fistfuls of it into my mouth at this point. I hate how I can’t sleep anymore. It is so fucking creepy being in the halls alone at night. It feels like the shadows are coming alive. I mean, EYWA was a boarding school too, but you were allowed to go home on weekends, and most people hung out in the halls at night anyway, so even if you had to get up, there was almost always a group or two out in the halls.

Back to what I said about my dad earlier, he wrote me back a couple days ago. He’s trying with me, and I appreciate the effort, but I miss my mom. He told me he hasn’t heard from them either, which is kind of weird because they’ve been on good terms since the divorce, unlike me and Lucifer. But he sent me a letter that was actually useful; it had tips and some things that could help with the insomnia and how to deal with the mental problems. They’ve helped a little, but the candy and the new books were a lot more helpful. He sent Fangirl, by Rainbow Rowell, which I just started, and he also sent me my personal copy of Ender’s Game, which is one of my favorite books, but it’s also duct taped together which so much writing and notes in it it’s not even funny. But I did miss it, and the candy was delicious, as it always is. I mean, I didn’t expect that much from him, so I’m really happy that he’s willing to try. Luci does half the time, but then again, he’s also abusive, so I’m pretty sure the trying is counteracted by that fact.

Let’s see, what else? Oh, I wound up throwing up some more last Tuesday. Basically, some of the Slytherin girls got together and decided to gather all of the trash they could find and dump it on me in a hallway. It smelled SO. BAD. I ran all the way to a bathroom just so I could throw up, and I wound up skipping a lot of class that day. It was just so gross, but I deal with it. On the bad side, I wound up having to throw that whole outfit out it smelled so bad, and I did too, for the whole rest of the day.

I’m still not feeling any good. I’m kind of mad for no particular reason, and it’s making me even madder. I feel like the third wheel of my ‘group,’ since Dean and Sam have each other, Cas has Dean and Michael, Lucifer has Michael, and I’m just kind of… there, I guess? Like, there’s no real point to it. I’m just so angry about what’s going on. I mean, I have Crowley, but I can’t even be near Michael and Dean when Crowley’s with me too, because they don’t get along, and Cas and Sam, while they stand him, don’t particularly enjoy his company. So it’s not like I’m a totally loner, but I just wish I could stand being around Dean and Michael without feeling sick and judged and jealous and angry. And that’s all I have to think about at night.

When I do manage to get a couple minutes of sleep, I always have nightmares, but not in the conventional sense, like scary things. No, my nightmares are happy. You might be thinking how a nightmare could be happy, but they aren’t really nightmares. Most people would probably think of them as good dreams, but I’ve always called them happy nightmares. It’s like, a dream where you’re dating your celebrity crush, or maybe you have this new thing that you’ve wanted for a while, or you have your dream job or something, and the dream is just so realistic, that when you wake up, you always start looking for the person, or the thing that you got, or you start getting ready for your job, and then you realize it didn’t happen and you feel like the world just crushed you and all the responsibilities come back. Lately, it’s been happening to me every time I go to sleep. I feel like that all the time.

Speaking of nightmares, that thing from the Forbidden Forest never came back. Neither Crowley nor I have any idea what the hell it was, and I couldn’t sleep after seeing it. Either way, we’ve agreed never to speak of it. It was fucking scary; you can’t blame us!  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, almost thirty chapters you guys! Thanks again for sticking with this, and hope to see you guys relatively sooner instead of later


	24. Fuck It, It's Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I managed to write a chapter in four hours, and it's a crap chapter, but I'm calling it done so I can post this one. Be grateful you won't have to read the crap chap for another three chapters!

Tuesday, 11/30/13

It's been really cold lately, since it finally snowed! Well, I mean, technically the first snow was yesterday, but I digress! SNOW. It was kind of late, but at least it happened. In America, there was a shit ton of snow already, which sucks, because there's hardly ever snow in California and apparently there was actually snow. I am so angry; I missed it.

Plus, that day, it snowed a bunch, and I mean, that would be great if Lucifer hadn't dragged me in to the snow with him. I'm still wearing skirts (by this point it's really just habit), so I was dying of fucking cold the whole time. We played around for a bit, and then he decided that it was a great idea to go flying in the snow. Queen Michael, who had been stalking us, for a change, decided that it was a great idea and mobilized the Quidditch team. Basically, I took part in Quidditch practice, and it sucked. I mean, it was really sweet, because Lucifer was beaming and laughing and having fun and Michael looked really happy too. He just looked so fond of my brother and I really hope they get together, if they aren’t already. Lucifer definitely deserves it, and I GUESS Michael can have my brother. Maybe.

But either way, I was stuck practicing Quidditch, which I don’t like on a good day, but I was constantly afraid I’d fall and die, plus the team decided I was a great target for target practice. I have more bruises than I can count, much less find from that.

Speaking of, the second Quidditch game of the season was last weekend. It was Hufflepuff versus Ravenclaw, so nothing particularly important, but of course, Lucifer dragged Crowley and I to the game, and I enjoyed myself giggling as Crowley chattered about something to Bobby, who was sitting behind us. By us, I mean me, Lucifer, Crowley, Michael, Sam, Dean, Cas, Charlie, Sam’s friend Kevin, and Charlie’s friend Emily. I mean, I’ve kind of got a group now, I guess, but it’s a lot different from EYWA. I had Kali, the bitch, and a couple others that I liked well enough, and I never was bullied or anything, but I wasn’t really happy because I never particularly liked my friends, other than Kali. Now, it’s almost the opposite: I’m still unhappy, but I have enough friends now. Instead, I’m bullied and rapidly loosing self esteem. Fun, huh?

The game itself was nothing special. Hufflepuff won in a landslide. The Ravenclaws seemed pretty unorganized, and Lucifer, Michael, and Dean were all yelling at them to get it together through most of the game. It was really funny watching them scream at the losers, and I wound up laughing almost the whole time.

Nothing too much has been going on class wise, though. I mean, unless you count Professor Weasley being the literal Satan teacher, nothing. I mean seriously, what the hell? She always rags on me to do my homework, and I ALWAYS DO MY HOMEWORK! I am so angry; she is my least favorite teacher I’ve ever had, and that includes the muggle teachers I had in elementary school in America. My grades in Transfiguration are absolutely terrible because she grades so harshly. I always do the assignments, but is that enough for her? Fuck no, it is not! Of course, all she says is that I’m not trying hard enough, but I am! I’m trying as hard as I can; it’s just her.

My grades lately have just suffered in general, and I’m sure it’s because of all the work she’s making me do as make up stuff. I find myself forgetting about a bunch of assignments and just kind of half-assing them because I just don’t have the time or willpower to do them anymore. So maybe it’s not Professor Weasley, but I can deny it as long as I want to. I’m just so tired, and all of my grades are falling and I feel a bit like a fuck up.

On Saturday, I got to meet Professor Malfoy’s son. Potions is the only class that I’m doing well in still, and Professor Malfoy’s been great. He even forgives my angry ranting. But it was really cool to meet his kid; apparently he had to come because he was getting over some bad sickness, and the professor’s wife had something to do, so she dropped him off with him, though I’m not sure why she’d bring Scorpius all the way out to Hogwarts for a day. I mean, the kid’s only seven or so, but he’s really a lot like his dad. A little bit snappy and spoiled, but he’s really sweet. I played with him, and he helped Crowley and I rig Michael’s bed to flip him off of it when he sat on it. After that, he went off with his dad again, but he was really cute. I might want kids someday, but I’m not sure; it seems like a lot of work and responsibilities that everyone says I’m not cut out for.

Crowley and I are back to our normal mischief. I missed being the resident trickster; back at EYWA I was always called either the trickster, or Loki, which I always thought was funny because I have a friend named Loki. This weekend, Crowley and I have spent a lot of time making Cas and Michael’s lives hell, and I don’t regret a second of it. We’ve dyed Castiel’s hair bright purple in his sleep, put makeup on Michael while he slept, replaced their homework with various crap and hid it around the school, and we even stole Michael’s mattress on Sunday night, which was really cute because he came in after his patrol looking really tired and asking if he could sleep with Luci, AND HE ACTUALLY AGREED! It was kind of adorable, because both of them were blushing and Crowley and I high-fived as soon as they went to sleep. I mean, now Lucifer is extremely pissed at me for embarrassing him, but he’s always pissed at me. The difference is, now I’m pissed at him too.

He never tells me anything, ever! I mean, I try to tell him at least a little of what’s going on in my life, but he just doesn’t give me anything back. I wish he would, because I want to be his brother, and I want to be there for him, but he won’t let me. He doesn’t let me in, and when I try, he hurts me, and today, he stomped on me and nearly broke a rib. Needless to say, we haven’t talked much today. God, he’s just the worst.

Sorry for the break, even though you can’t tell time because you’re inanimate. I’m sick again, but this time I’m hallucinating too. Vividly. I’m curled under my sheets struggling not to cry because there are spiders EVERYWHERE, and I don’t hate them, but I definitely am not comfortable covered in them. I threw up again, twice, and I just can’t stop shivering. I really need sleep, but I just can’t; it doesn’t work like that anymore, apparently. On the up side, the spiders are gone, but I now see somebody staring into my window, which makes no sense since my window leads underwater. I also failed at the not crying part, and am now endeavoring to stop from screaming. I think I need to go to the hospital wing, but I’m not sure I’d make it there like this... 

Screw it, I’m going. If I never write again, I tripped down the stairs, cracked my head open, and died.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like this chapter, though I'm sorry to end on a kind of sort of cliffhanger! Note that I'm pretty sure the next six chapters are all quite depressing, with the possible exception of twenty seven.


	25. Have I ever Mentioned My Hatred of Medication?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOooooooly shit I just suffered the worst heart attack of my writing career! I thought I just deleted chapter twenty six, but it turns out that I just moved it... Whew! Anyway, here's the boring chapter twenty five!

Monday, 12/6/13

As the title states, I hate medication, including potions. They always make me feel a little funny, and it’s even worse when you’ve been on them for almost a week. I even missed the first day of December, which sucks. I mean, it’s not really that important, but it marks that I’ve been at this shitty school for three months. I don’t know how to feel about that. On one hand, I’ve survived three months at a new school where not a lot of people like me that much, but on the other hand, after three months, I’m already this bad. I wonder if I’ll get better? I don’t know much about insomnia or anything, but it sounds pretty bad, I guess.

So maybe now would be a good time to explain things? I woke up late Wednesday morning in the hospital wing. Now, I had no recollection of actually going to the hospital wing, so I was quite scared. I mean, I thought I was fucking dying, so naturally, I started screaming. Madame Pomfrey had to come in and put me to sleep, for Pete’s sake!

When I woke up the second time, it wasn’t that much later because I had an actual nightmare, and then when I woke up, there was a little girl sitting on the foot of my bed. She turned to look at me, smiled, and then threw up blood all over my sheets. I started screaming and was put to sleep again.

Later, I figured out that I was hallucinating and freaking out so bad they thought I was having a panic attack, so Madame Pomfrey had to keep me asleep. I mean, that’s kind of scary in itself, but the nightmares were horrible. I guess even when I was forced into sleep, my body didn’t want it. Not even the anti-dreaming potions that she gave me really helped.

When I woke up the fifth time, all the others having experiences like the above, I was finally lucid and stuff. Lucifer and Michael and Dean and Cas and Sam and Crowley and even Charlie was there, and basically, I wound up a sobbing mess. After a little while, I was made to eat, and then I kind of fell asleep. I’m not sure if I was drugged or if I had a spell cast on me or what, but it was a pretty peaceful sleep. When I woke up the next morning, I was okay enough to go to class, so I went.

Class wasn’t so bad. I’m sure I looked like a mess since I hadn’t really bothered to shower, but I didn’t really care. My teachers all seemed a little worried, but I just didn’t want to talk, so I got out of there. Professor Malfoy caught me in the hall, though, so we talked a little bit, and then I asked him if he knew who’s cat had been following me all day. It turned out that there was no cat, and I was hauled back off to the hospital wing.

I’ve spent the last couple days in and out of consciousness and lucidity, trying to get my body used to sleeping again. Ironically, it’s made me even more tired, but I guess that’s kind of the point. The best part was when Charlie snuck back in last night, though. She brought her phone, her WORKING PHONE, and she let me use it to call my dad. He was really surprised to hear from me, and we both wound up in tears while I told him what was going on. He sounded really tired, but he still stayed up to talk to me. I gave Charlie her phone back and she gave me a hug, and for a little bit, everything was good.

Today, I was supposed to go back to school, but Madame Pomfrey and my entourage said no because I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t sleep again, so my twin just brought me all my homework again. I haven’t had any time to do anything, because liked I said, I’ve been either unconscious, not lucid, or working on homework. I’m sorry for the long ass story, by the way; I know it’s a little depressing. I mean, I use this thing as something that I can talk to without the frustration of real people and real emotions. I never really thought I’d get this attached to an inanimate object, I guess, other than my laptop.

Anyway, today my crew came in to see me individually. First it was Dean, who told me he’d found me unconscious on Wednesday morning, and brought me down here. He wound up sitting down and fiddling with my hand, which was kind of sweet. He told me he was glad I was okay, which had me blushing, and then left. I mean, if your crush said they were glad you were okay, wouldn’t you blush? I’m technically not okay, yet, but I think I’m getting there. I appreciate it, even if it did make me want to kiss him senseless.

Next was Sam and Charlie together, who both hugged me and helped me out with some homework. Even Sam is smarter than me, Jesus Christ. They both laughed with me and hung out and it was really great until Cas joined the party. It went all awkwardly silent and he started telling me off about how I’m a reckless, stupid fool who’s only purpose in the world was to make people worry. It hurt. I ignored them until they left after that.

Crowley came in looked exhausted and more worried than I’d ever seen him, which I mean, that’s pretty easy, but he looked really relieved that I was alive until he started yelling about how I should take care of myself more and start caring. I mean, it’s not like I don’t! It’s just I don’t think it’s really that important in the grand scheme of things. When I tried to talk back to him though, he just started kissing me so I couldn’t say anything. Eventually, we wound up laughing and we just hugged each other for a while, which was nice and entirely unexpected. I think he might actually care about me, and it’s not like I didn’t think he did before, it just stood out today.

Seeing Lucifer was hard. His eyes were red, and he had dark circles like the ones I’ve adopted over the past month and a half. As soon as he came in, he started crying, which happens a lot with him. He hates to see me hurting, even though he acts really tough all the time. He’s really protective of me, and when he can’t assault whoever it was that hurt me (usually it’s when he did it himself or it was me or some other family member), he tends to freak out. My brother wound up half yelling, half sobbing, which was just as pitiful as it sounds. I love my twin a lot, I really do, but he’s kind of pathetic sometimes. 

Michael came in last, bearing gifts! He brought me some of his personal stash of foreign chocolates and sweets, and I just about cried. I settled for hugging him, and he seemed really uncomfortable for a minute, and then he actually hugged me and told me he hoped I could get better soon, and that he really did like my company. I think I’m growing to love the guy, as a brother of course, since that’s what he’s going to be when he inevitably marries Lucifer. Every time they look at each other, my brother blushes and gives a little smile that’s really adorable and Michael gets this fond look on his face and ugh. They are so made for each other. Lucifer hasn’t even dated anyone, so I mean, this is the first time I’ve ever seen him like that. At EYWA, he was really cruel, and he didn’t really have much emotion at all, but here, he’s growing in to his humanity. I’m really proud of him, honestly.

I feel really disconnected from life right now. Like, I just don’t feel much at all, and everyone else is getting really emotional. I mean, I know why, but I’m not feeling it at all. I do appreciate it though, because it’s nice when people care about you, but still, I’m not really connected to myself right now, so hopefully that’ll change soon. I’m getting tired though, so I’m going to make an attempt at sleep that’ll likely end in screaming. Wish me luck!  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that better things are coming, and I like the next chapter, so there's always that! Thanks to those who leave kudos and subscribe, it means so, so much to me as a writer to know you like my stuff, and as a person it makes me happy that I make you guys at least a little happy!


	26. Erised Is Just Desire Backwards, You Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like this chapter. This is the one I thought I deleted the other day, too, so I'm glad I still have it. It's not great, but here, have a chapter.

Friday, 12/10/13

Today was a weird day, honestly. I feel kind of tired, which I’m told is good, and I’ve been going to class and getting about two or three hours of sleep a night. I guess that’s good? I used to be the brother that slept in.

Today, I ditched class, so I mean, it isn’t really right of me to say I’ve been going to class, but I had a reason! Lucifer actually wanted to do something with me today, and that was to wander around the castle. Of course I agreed; I’d been wanting to explore the place more thoroughly in the daytime anyway. So Lucifer and I took off this morning, but not before Michael whispered something to Lucifer that made him blush. Seriously, I wish he would tell me what was going on between them, but no! He has to deny that he even has a crush on Michael, which I KNOW he does! It’s so frustrating, but I’m not going to make him say anything, lest he decides I need to have my questioning streak beat out of me. Instead, I’ll just make sexual jokes when they’re both around! It’s my new favorite past time, but honestly, Lucifer gets really mad about it.

Anyway! We wandered the school today, taking care to avoid all the students and teachers we could, since I don’t think either of us felt like going to class. He and I just kind of hung out and looked around for cool rooms and stuff. The coolest one we found was this giant ass room with a bunch of old mirrors, all over the place. I mean, it was creepy too, since mirror rooms are always featured in horror movies, but it was pretty cool too. The best, and weirdest, part, though, was the Mirror of Erised. It was back in the farthest corner of the room, blocked by a couple other mirrors with a sheet over it, and in hindsight, I guess it makes sense, but at the time, I was confused why someone would cover a mirror, thus destroying its only purpose.

So being the curious bastard twins we are, we uncovered the mirror and read the inscription on it, and Lucifer turned to me, looked me straight in the eyes, and said that Erised was just desire backwards. And he said it with the most perfect, straight face ever! I nearly died laughing, and he had no idea why, so he pouted for a bit. The top said something like I show not your face but your hearts desire, I think, but I can’t quite remember.

When I got up, though, I looked in the mirror. Lucifer was a ways away, so he didn’t see anything, but I looked in and I saw myself a little older, surrounded by my family, all of us in formal attire and laughing while Michael kissed Lucifer’s cheek. Around my family, there were all of my friends, also all smiling and looking happy. Right next to me, though, was Dean Winchester, wearing a suit and a green tie that matched his eyes and looking at me like my brother looks at Michael. I couldn’t help it; I stared openly. When Lucifer came back over and looked over my shoulder, the picture disappeared, and I felt really sad for a minute. I mean, after we left, I figured that the mirror was actually pretty scary. After all, it made me want to sit and stare at it forever, and really, that’s kind of creepy.

At the time though, that hadn’t occurred to me. I backed off to let Lucifer look, and while I only saw him, I saw his emotions flicker over his face. He stared at it for longer than I had, but after a bit, he turned away. We left that room without another word, and I was really glad.

Unfortunately, the silence didn’t last long, and we wound up trying to make awkward small talk, which didn’t work at all. I’m not even sure what we started arguing about, but we started arguing. We were just yelling about how one of us was worth more than the other and Lucifer was screaming about how it was obviously him, how he had always been better, and that I was worthless. I asked him then if I might as well die. It wasn’t really a big deal, but it WAS A BIG FUCKING DEAL, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.

I am so mad at you, Gabriel, mad enough to be hiding out in our bathroom while you scream at me to give this damn book back! You should know that I love you by now; you’re my twin brother! Hell no, our relationship is not stable; hell no we do not get along, but I care about you and I would never, ever wish for you to die! If anyone other than myself ever does read this, it was a really big deal, what he said. We were arguing, and yes, I was being harsh, but out of nowhere he asked if he should die, and I didn’t know what to say. I am devastated beyond belief that my brother even thought that I wanted him to die, and I’m telling you this before he can tell you otherwise.

Gabriel, what I saw in the mirror was you and I, standing side by side and laughing again, while our friends watched us and smiled. Dean had his arms around you, Gabriel, and you looked happier than I’ve ever seen you in real life. Know that this is my deepest desire: for us to be close again and for you to be happy. I love you.

Hello and welcome back to your regularly scheduled programming, featuring your wonderful writer, Gabriel Shirley. The above was written by my idiot of a brother, in pen, who ran after returning it to me. I won’t lie, that was nice to read, but he didn’t even have the courage to say it to my face! Plus, he stole my journal and read at least part of it, which pisses me off. At the same time, I wonder if that’s really what he saw in the mirror? Is it selfish to hope that it is, and that he wants my happiness? If it is, I’m selfish as all hell!

Crowley and I are now sprawled (naked) in my bed at the moment, and it’s very nice listening to his heartbeat under my head. In case you’re wondering, yes, we had sex in the space between the last paragraph and this one. That little line between the paragraphs doesn’t look so big now, does it? ANYWAY. We’ve been talking about little things today, like what we’re going to get people. I don’t know what I’m going to get everyone yet, but Crowley says he already knows. He said something about a running gag gift with Michael; something about bone cookies? I don’t know, but I’d be lying if I said I weren’t a little envious. Those two just seem so… I don’t know. They have each other’s backs, most of the time, even though they don’t really get along. It seems strange, but it works for them, I suppose.

On the up side, Hogwarts doesn’t have midterms! Oh man, you have no idea how excited I am! At EYWA, the end of semester exams were fucking brutal, so I am so happy they don’t have them here! I mean, that could just mean that the N.E.W.T.S. are really hard… I hope not, because I actually want to do well here; show everyone that I can actually amount to something. Show myself that I can amount to something.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two in a long line of depressing, woooooo. I'm too lazy to find an exclamtion point right now, so deal with my unenthusiastic cheering. Did someone order more depressing? Because it's coming up.


	27. It's Almost the Holidays!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last vaguely happy chapter for the next three! Have fun~

Tuesday, 12/14/13

I’M ALMOST FREE! We only have four days left until break, and then I’m home free! Well, I mean, not home free, since we’re not going home, but free of homework. I’m fucking exhilarated!

Oh man, it’s gonna be fucking awesome; after Halloween, Christmas is my favorite holiday, because I always get cool shit from two families. It’s the greatest! One year, I got two cars because my dad ordered me one and Mom and Zachary got me another one. I wound up having to give one to Lucifer, because he complained, but it was awesome. I mean, that was back when we had way more money, and it’s not like we don’t still have money, it’s just we don’t have a lot of wizarding money, so we’re not the richest people when it comes to things we can buy in places like Hogsmeade. Of course, that’s kind of my fault, after our misadventures in Hogsmeade when we went.

It’s only lunch time, and I’ve been bouncing around for hours! I think I’ve annoyed Michael to death, since he keeps sighing in our classes while I ask stupid questions on purpose. Dean keeps giggling at me from the Gryffindor table because I’m babbling on, and Luci is teasing me for blushing, but I can’t help it! My crush is smiling and laughing at something I’m doing, and it’s really nice. I’m having the best day I’ve had in a while.

Plus, classes have been going a little better. My grades are still shit, but I’m getting stuff done, and it’s going better! I mean, I still hate Professor Weasley’s guts, but she hasn’t bothered me lately, probably because all the teachers are being easier on me because of my emotional collapse not long ago. All the teachers except Professor Malfoy, but whatever.

Speaking of Professor Malfoy, we hung out again yesterday, and he tutored me some more. Crowley came with me, since he really likes potions, and we all hung out and I blew up a cauldron, which had the professor trying to decide whether to laugh or to scream. Crowley, of course, was laughing his ass off, and I wound up wailing at him and chasing him around trying to hit him with the Jelly Legs Jinx, which would’ve gotten me in trouble if the teacher in the room wasn’t Professor Malfoy. He just called us children and shooed us while he cleaned, and then we all chattered about break. Crowley mentioned he was going home to his sister and his mom. By the sound of it, he doesn’t like either of them very much, but he said that he enjoys torturing them with his presence. I mentioned that I was staying for the holidays, and Crowley whined about how much he would miss me, and how much he would buy me, all while nuzzling into my hair. I was grumbling and Professor Malfoy laughed at us, which, I mean, it was pretty funny.

Speaking of, the guy is going home, unsurprisingly, to see his family. He loves his family more than life itself, I swear. His kid is really cute, though, I hope I can see him again sometime. I’m actually going to miss his presence for the two weeks or so he’s gonna be gone. Ugh, I’m gonna wind up a loner with only Lucifer and Michael for company, aren’t I? EW. One of these days, I’m gonna walk in on them having sex, and it’s going to be so awkward!

Right, I was talking about my classes! Care of Magical Creatures is easy, but frustrating. Lately, the little unicorn will come near me, but he won’t play around with me anymore, and the mom has taken to trying to attack me again. In case you get the wrong idea, no, we don’t only deal with unicorns, we have other things that we do, it’s just studying the unicorns is a long project. I mean, if the unicorns were our only project, I think me and all the other guys would’ve failed the class, since they kind of hate us by nature. I love the class though, because I’ve always loved animals, and Professor Hagrid is cool.

Moving on, Lucifer and Michael have been hanging out more lately, and it’s kind of annoying. I’m jealous, I know, and it’s hard because I want them to be happy together, but he’s stealing my brother. We aren’t getting along so well since they started doing… Well, probably dating, but Lucifer won’t tell me. Not like they get along perfectly either; they still fight, but my twin hardly spares me a second glance, always choosing Michael, Michael, Michael. And now I’m upsetting myself, which isn’t good, because I’ve been having a good day today. Even despite the other day, I wonder sometimes what he would do if I died.

Back on to not so depressing topics, since Lucifer and Michael have been hanging out, Michael’s shown Lucifer all the secret passageways through Hogwarts, including how to get out to Hogsmeade from the school! I’m so excited to go back there, if I ever do, even though I can’t go back to Zonko’s. Lucifer’s shown me a couple of these paths, and they’re all pretty well hidden. Luci’s also told me he knows the password for the prefect’s bathroom, but he won’t tell me that, the little shit. I mean, I do like what he’s told me though, it’s been keeping me from getting caught these last few nights when Crowley and I wander. I mentioned already that I get a couple hours of sleep every night now, which is great, but when I wake up, I can’t go back to sleep and wind up wandering all over again. I’m not even sure if Lucifer has noticed. He hasn’t said anything.

The point of the above though is that I can buy Christmas presents for people as soon as Dad sends me the money to do so. I still don’t know what I’m getting people, other than Crowley, who I’m probably going to get a sex toy (that he’ll probably use on me), Lucifer, who I’ll get something more expensive, like jewelry (he actually really likes jewelry; he wears the diamond necklace our mom gave him every day), and Dean, who I kind of want to give a ring. Not like an engagement ring, and not to his face, I’d just leave it in his room and not tell him who it was from, but it feels personal, and I’d give that guy a piece of my soul, if I could. I’ve given up on giving up on him.

It’s after lunch now, and Crowley and I are ditching class and being lazy; I mean, we’re pretty much running through the halls, giggling, and making out periodically, and it’s wonderful. The guy is absolutely my favorite person in the whole world right now, and I wish I were going home over the break so we could see each other. I’m going to miss him for two weeks of my life, and it’s gonna suck! Not literally either, because Crowley won’t be here to do so to me, nor I there to do so for him! Okay, okay, this is getting creepy, I get it, but I’m excited! Not to be without Crowley, but to celebrate Christmas, obviously.

Well, we’re back in the Great Hall, hiding under tables of course, and… A FUCKING OWL JUST FLEW IN. I want to get up and beat it, but Crowley says no. He just went to see what it had, possibly steal the mail. Uh, hold on. Apparently, it’s an urgent letter for me. I’ll be back in a bit; I need to read this.  
\--Gabriel Shirley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mwahaha, I cliffhangered! I can't believe I just finished writing chapter thirty! I never thought I'd make it this far, to be honest! This is the longest thing I've written!


	28. Snakes On a Plane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MWAHAHA! This is for you, Roksana! You've been waiting forever, and now here, have some unhappy angst.

Wednesday, 12/15/13

So I’m on a plane for the first time since July. I missed it, kind of. It’s more comfortable than flying on a broom, but it’s not as private, and private would be nice right now. Really, really, nice, since neither Lucifer nor I enjoy crying in public.

Speaking of Lucifer, he cried himself to sleep an hour ago, but Dad’s been asleep the whole time. All of us are devastated, honestly. I’ve hardly stopped crying since yesterday, and I just can’t stop. I feel so awful about this whole thing, and I just… I wish they’d gotten my letters, or responded, or something, because I miss my stepdad worse than I’ve ever missed anyone save for the time Lucifer ran away.

Maybe I should explain; I’m a little ahead of myself. My mom wrote me yesterday, in the Great Hall. I really did mean to come back and write more, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, not after what she told me. She never mentioned getting my letters at all, which made me wonder what happened to them, but that’s still beside the point. The point is, my stepdad, Zachary Milton, is an older guy. I haven’t mentioned him much in here, but he is… was. I need to stop writing in pen. He was really good to me. He let me stay with them, even though I wasn’t his kid, and I wasn’t even a good kid. I was upset and hated him and his daughter when he married my mom, but he let me in, and he taught me a lot of new tricks, told me jokes, and made me feel welcome. I grew to love him like my own dad.

Well, a week ago, he died of a heart attack while driving my step sister, Anna, home from choir practice. She’s fine; I mean, she's hospitalized and she’ll be on crutches, but no permanent damage. My stepdad is dead, though. Gone. Oh god. Oh my god.

Sorry about that. It’s really hard. I missed him a lot at Hogwarts, and now I’m never going to see him again. Never. I think a little piece of me is dying.

When I got the letter, I wound up wailing. I was just screaming and I punched the floor and everything else I could reach until I bled. Crowley got a black eye because I punched him in the face, but he didn’t leave me alone. He sat and rocked me on the floor until I stopped screaming and wound up just sobbing into his arms. It was kind of funny, because in movies, you always see people being unreactive for a bit or in denial when they hear that people have died, but I wasn’t, obviously. I don’t think that’s how life works.

Crowley had to carry me back to my room I was crying so hard. It was one of the worst experiences I’ve had in my life, honestly. I mean, it’s definitely top five. Even when I got there, I cried until dinner. I couldn’t bring myself to get up for it, so Crowley and I ate candy for dinner, and I told him about Zachary. He didn’t cry, that’s not who he is, but he was so sweet to me. I love him dearly, I really do.

I didn’t know what to tell Lucifer, at the time, because he’d never been close to Zachary, like I was. I thought he was going to dismiss it, say something like good riddance. I thought he was going to laugh at me. I put it off and put it off until he came back to the room after dinner, giggling with Michael, but they both froze when they saw me. I mean, I looked like a mess. Lucifer sat down with me, and Crowley shooed Michael and left with him. He made me tell him then, and I did. I showed him the letter, and he surprised me. He hugged me and started crying and we just sat and held each other for a little while.

After that, we talked a little about our favorite things about him, and Lucifer told me about how he used to send Lucifer things for his birthday, and how he used to call him every once and a while just to ask how he was. I never knew any of that before, and I won’t lie; I was jealous that Zach paid attention to my twin too, but I couldn’t begrudge him that, not then, not ever. We shared some more stories about him, but we had to go talk to McGonagall, so we didn’t talk too much.

Because our mom has a business trip on the seventeenth that apparently can’t be postponed, and will last several months, the funeral is on the sixteenth. Tomorrow. When we got the letter, we had to go to the headmaster immediately; no time for packing or anything, otherwise we wouldn’t be able to be there for the funeral, even. In addition, our step sister and half sisters will be staying with our dad while Mom is on her trip. I’m glad, because I missed them a lot, and they’ll need the support of my dad. Oh god, my sisters are going to grow up without a dad. They’re so little. Oh my god. Ruby might not even remember her dad when she’s older, for god’s sake!

I am in pain. I don’t want to go to my stepdad’s funeral. I want to be visiting him, I want to hug him and laugh with him and… I feel sick. I want to throw up, but I can’t.

I’m distracting myself with writing, now. McGonagall gave us permission to go home, so we went. The train was brought out, and we spent the evening going home, crying the whole time. When we got back to King’s Cross, Dad was waiting for us. He looked like we did—haggard and tear stained. We hugged quickly, and then went back to the house. It felt so different from the last time I was home, more than three months ago. Then, I was a whiny, angry, brat, sitting in the car with his twin who he couldn’t stand. I like to think I stood there then a little different, and when I hugged my family in that doorway, I was.

Lucifer and I spent the night in our sparsely furnished rooms in a cold house, but neither of us really slept. My day took a complete one-eighty in less than the five minutes it took me to finish reading a letter. I’d been having a good day, too, but it was ruined. We didn’t see anyone before we left; I wonder what Dean and Michael are going to think happened? Maybe they think we ditched for the rest of the year and left? I don’t know.

We got on the plane at nine this morning, and we’re about three hours out of California right now, according to my timing, but I might be off. I’m so out of whack that I doubt I’m right, so don’t trust me. Lucifer has really been crying this whole time, and I’ve been catching up on my Internet, which I’m probably not supposed to do on a plane, but I don’t care. I need stress relief.

I’m so sorry; this has been all over the place. I’m just crying off and on and it’s really hard to talk about or understand. I can’t talk anymore, I’m so sorry. God, Zach, I’m so sorry.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so, someone has died. Specifically, Zachary Milton. To specify some more, Anna is his daughter, not from Naomi, a past wife, and Ruby and Meg are his and Naomi's daughters, Gabriel's half sisters. Questions comments concerns, please let me know! Merci for the support!


	29. The Life of Zachary Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ASDFGHJKL I'm so sorry this is late! I completely forgot that this chapter was supposed to be done yesterday! Plus it's not happy, so it doesn't make up for it... I'm sorry, forgive meeeeeeee!

Friday, 12/17/13 

Hey. I’m on the train now; I’m only really writing because I just finished my homework and I don’t have much else to do. I feel a little lost, to be honest, and focusing on homework was helping, but I guess there’s really nothing I can do. I’ve been doing homework for about seven hours straight, I think, because in order to get back to school relatively early, we caught a flight that took off at five-thirty in the morning… I slept for five hours or so, and then got up to do my work at about nine. Since, I’ve been alternating between that and eating.

It’s been warmer, now that I’ve returned to the realm of pants. I can’t say I’m giving up on the panties anytime soon, but I can’t bring myself to go back to how things were before. I feel like maybe I’ve grown up a little. Not so much that I won’t ever be able to be me again, but enough. Plus, I just didn’t really bring any clothes with me to California, other than my suit for the funeral, so I’m still wearing that. It’s itchy and I can’t stand it, but I’m dealing with it, for now. We kind of had to go straight to King’s Cross Station from the plane, so we never had time to change.

Luci’s napping again. I can’t really sleep again, but I’m pretty damn miserable. We’ve been crying off and on for the last three days, and it takes a lot out of a guy. I mean, I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I’ve only slept those five hours in the past two days, and I had nightmares again.

I got to see my half sisters and step sister though, which was nice, but Meg and Ruby are to young to understand. They seemed so confused about why their daddy was going into the ground. Anna cried. They all came to me and Lucifer while my parents talked again. Meg and Ruby were all smiles, like toddlers are, but Anna was crying. She was having a hard time on her crutches, so Lucifer picked her up and carried her when she wanted to go places. She seemed grateful. Later, I got the chance to see my mom, where she told me she hadn’t received any letters, and apparently, hers hadn’t gone through. Lucifer seemed a little uncomfortable saying hi to her, but we managed, and our family was together again for a little.

My sisters all came with us on the plane, while our mom got ready to go to abroad for her company. She seemed upset, but she didn’t want to talk, really. We left her in the morning after her younger kids got the chance to say goodbye to her. They slept the whole way to England, and went with Dad when we got there, so Luce and I didn’t hear much of them.

I had to talk at the funeral, too. It was me and my mom who had to talk, and my mom, ever the professional, made hers short and sweet, but I couldn’t. Mine was long and pointless and filled with stories and I couldn’t even end it properly because I was crying. I didn’t know what to say, there was so much I wanted to say. I loved Zach like he was actually my dad, and some days, I wished he was. Now he’s gone, and the last time I talked to him, I was pissed because I thought that he didn’t want me either, and that he was sending me to England to get rid of me. I don’t really know why he thought I should go to England, but I guess I’m not gonna know now.

I’m not tired anymore. I just want to lay in bed, but I don’t want to sleep. I want to remember the dad who wasn’t my dad, and hug my brother and my sisters, and I wish Dean Winchester loved me.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this is short... Oh man, this so doesn't make up for missing yesterday... Crap!


	30. The Closest I'm Getting to a Temporary Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As an apology for the other day's chapter being late, have this one early, so we're back on schedule. Sorry, it's short again, but I think it's cute, so hopefully that makes up for my shortcomings!

Saturday, 12/18/13

It’s been a hard few days for us, but we’ve lived, and Luci and I are back at Hogwarts. It’s been a long day and a half, but we’re all packed to go home in about an hour. We turned in all our homework, and we got permission to go home instead of staying for the holidays. Family’s really much more important for us right now.

We got back yesterday, in the middle of dinner. Luce and I walked into the Great Hall like walking disasters. Both of us looked like shit, pretty much, so it wasn’t really a surprise that everyone stared at us. Both of us had messy faces and hair and suits, and I was in pants for the second time in months. I’m not really sure how much people knew, but I was about to cry then, so I was trying really hard not to bolt, and Lucifer was tense as all hell.

All at the same time, Michael, Dean, Cas, and Crowley all got up and herded us out of the room, which was nice, but as soon as we walked out, I could hear people buzzing behind us. I never really wanted to be talked about for all this, but here we are.

Then, of course, Crowley demanded we all hug, which, I mean, was awkward, but it was a little helpful, too. I was crushed between Dean and Castiel, who both wrapped arms around my waist, and it felt nice, partly because I felt like laying down and screaming. I’m not sure I can stand school after this… I’m going to have to, I know, but it’s really hard right now. I don’t even remember what I said to him last, but it couldn’t have been nice, considering how pissed I seemed to be, looking back. What if it was something horrible? No, no; I promised myself I wouldn’t think like this!

On a vaguely better note, Crowley went off to grab something after that, which is not the better note, I swear! I mean, he just went to grab us some food; I didn’t want him to go or anything like that! After that, though, Lucifer and Michael split off to be romantic and have a cuter hug, and I got to be sandwiched between Dean and Cas, who pet me and made me feel better. Of course, I started to cry again, but Lucifer was already crying, so nobody can blame me! They let me cry to them though, and it was more than I expected out of Cas. He was really nice to me, unlike just about every other time I’ve been upset.

Castiel left after that though, with a meaningful look to Dean that I feel bad about. He must be upset with him, what with him catering to me and what I want… I’m trying to not be a smug bastard about it, but it’s not working. I’m glad that Dean is comforting me; I can’t just pretend I’m not because he’s dating some other guy. If he wants to cheat on Cas, I mean, that’s his business. And if he just happens to cheat on Cas with me, I’ve never been adverse to that, as awful as it sounds. Am I an awful person?

Then though, I happened to look over, and of course, I saw what I’ve been waiting for for months now: Lucifer and Michael kissing, of course! It was sweet, the way they kissed like they were each other’s whole world. Michael had to lean up just a bit to kiss him, which was cute as hell. Lucifer did stop crying, which was probably the point, and he blushed when Michael looked at Dean and me. I’ve never seen my brother as happy as he was with Michael’s arms around him, kissing the tears off of his cheeks. It was so fucking cute, I swear. I mean, they’re the kind of couple you roll your eyes at in public, but it’s only because you’re jealous of what they have.

Michael, I realized after a moment, was looking over my shoulder at Dean, having a conversation entirely with their eyes about something or other. I wish I’d gotten to see Dean’s expressions, because Michael’s constantly expressionless, and I’m curious as to what they were doing. 

I didn’t really get a whole lot of time to think about it though, because Dean grabbed my waist (HE GRABBED MY WAIST HELP I’M DYING) and dragged us all up to the Gryffindor tower, where he cleared his room and locked it, even though locking is useless in a magic school, and he played music for us. And by music, I mean slow music, like dancing music. And he danced with me. Dean Winchester danced with me! He seriously held me around the waist and slow danced with me in his bedroom. I mean, I wound up crying into his chest, but he didn’t really seem to care that much.

We kind of stopped when Crowley and Cas came back with more food for all of us, but I didn’t want to. I saw Lucifer looking at me out of the corner of his eyes with a smile on his face, and I smiled back at him. He looked so happy with himself; I couldn’t help it.

Though, I do feel bad. Just because I do love Dean, that doesn’t mean I’m an idiot; if he’s dating Cas, which I’m fairly certain he is, because I just can’t get the guts to ask, he’s a pretty douche-y boyfriend. Castiel saw us dancing; I know because I saw him seeing us dancing, and I feel terrible about it. That was pretty damn romantic if I do say so myself…

Today was better, though; Luce and I have spent the morning packing and shit. Michael and Crowley have been in and out; Michael coming to kiss and feel up Lucifer, and Crowley to me, which has my twin giggling. I did ask him about Michael, and he apologized for not telling me sooner. He told he was worried I would laugh, and I told him I never would. We hugged again, and I promised him I would be there for him if he would be for me. He told me he would, and I mean, I have no idea if he will or not, but I’m willing to trust him. We’re getting better, I think, after this whole thing. Hopefully, my brother and I will get a new start to the new year.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehehehe... Now that I think about it, i don't like this chapter that much... The farther this fic goes, I'm liking it less. Oops! Oh well, I'm glad you people like it well enough!


	31. Extra: The Past, Present, and Future of a Guy Actually Named Fergus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy cannoli! Thirty One chapters of a fanfiction! Help, I feel accomplished. I don't particualrly like this one that much; feels a little off to me, but I do like what I talked about. The phrasing seems weird.

When Michael and I first did whatever it was we were doing, neither of us knew what we were doing. Both of us were barely thirteen at the time, and of course, for me, it started out as less than it became; I didn’t even like the guy so much as I was curious. It just so happened that we always fought, and we didn’t know what to do with all the tension. To put it simply, we used it sexually.

Now, at the time, we were competing for the title of biggest douche in school, and therefore, we didn’t get along so much. I did think he was attractive, and I learned later that he thought the same about me, but it wasn’t really enough to make us last or anything, but it was something.

The first time we kissed was in the middle of an argument, and I knew instantly that it was both of our first kisses. We’d been having one of our infamous fights, and part of the reason we didn’t get along was because we shared a room, before he became Head Bitch and got a room of his own. Either way, we were in our bedroom, snapping insults back in forth, and Michael just snapped. I’d been thinking about kissing him for some time, just to annoy him, of course, but I was shocked that he beat me to it. A little furious, since he’d backed away after a moment, looked at me, and said, “Crowley, you really can’t kiss.”

That just led to another fight, which led to more kissing and awkwardly feeling each other up. 

What happened through the rest of our third year was strange. We never stopped fighting, no matter what, but more often than not, it led to making out under a staircase or in an empty classroom. I won’t say we got along, because we didn’t, but we settled into normalcy.

About three quarters through the year, though, in February, I started feeling upset when he would leave me. I wanted him to stay, and I wasn’t ready for that. At all. I had a phobia of attachment, considering what my own family had done to me, even then, so I was afraid. I tried to get over it, but it wasn’t working out.

I still hadn’t gotten over it when Michael and I broke in to the DADA teacher’s liquor cabinet and stole four bottles of Craig, and then proceeded to spend another hour drinking three of them. We wound up collapsed in a classroom, laughing our asses off at nothing.

For the record, I didn’t start it. I’d intended to use our time there to stop whatever we were doing, but things didn’t work out so well. I wound up pinned to a wall with Michael doing unspeakable things to me, and I loved it. Every damn second. We both had sex for the first time at fourteen, which was incredibly young, and were I being honest, I would say that I still feel bad about it; I do. That’s not to say it wasn’t a wonderful experience, since we’d already done so much else, it really was the next step for us.

When I woke up in the morning, I felt sick and stunned with myself for what we’d done, and even if we were drunk at the time, I couldn’t accept it. When Michael woke up, I was already gone. A week later, I told him not to touch me ever again. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but it felt like the right thing to do. Michael, of course, was furious and wound up commitment shy later in life, but I couldn’t handle the commitment either, especially not then. Maybe, had we been older, and a little more mature… Well, I don’t know what would’ve happened with us then. Maybe nothing, maybe something.

The next year, Michael and I hardly spoke, but a new amusement came into my life, in the form of a new DADA teacher by the name of Robert Singer. I was only fourteen when I met him, decidedly not a virgin after my various adventures and experimentation of the previous year and summer, but I found I loved teasing him. That became my amusement for the next year, making my teacher as uncomfortable as he would allow. Slowly, as I started recovering from my family’s abuse, and I found myself growing into myself a bit, becoming, in the words of Michael, more brash and smug and indecent.

At the same time, I fell in love with my teacher.

I was terrified out of my mind yet again, but not for the same reasons as the time before. Now, it wasn’t so much the commitment, though it wasn’t something I was good at, but it was the age difference and the social stigma. From the beginning, I knew nothing would come of it; after all, Bobby thought of me as nothing but a pest he had to deal with on a constant basis, and as far as I knew, he could be married with children. But I kept teasing him, because it was the only way I could spend time with him, and it was how I made him notice me.

I wasn’t prepared when he really did, at the very end of sixth year. I was in detention, humming some song or another because I wanted to be obnoxious, and finally, he asked why. I had no idea what he meant, so I asked, and he asked why him, and I told him he was fun to bother, though I do think I was blushing. Bobby got up, walked over to me, and kissed my cheek then, and told me it wasn’t what he meant. After that, I ran away for a while. When I finally got detention with Bobby again, he asked why again, and I told him I liked his reactions and he actually cared and how I thought he was funny and sweet. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Over the next year, he and I grew closer. He won’t kiss me, or touch me, like I want him to, but I’m hoping, maybe over the summer… He said he wanted to see me then, when he’s not my teacher anymore, and I’m close enough to an adult. I’m looking forward to it.

Of course, my whole mess with Bobby was what led me to Gabriel Shirley in the first place, and now that he’s in my life, I think he’s there to stay. I was stressed over Bobby, and I happened to need an outlet for it, when I noticed that Gabriel was pining over Dean Winchester, and hard, at that. In addition, he had no one. He was a little like I used to be, before I grew up a little, so I approached him.

I was surprised he fell for it, but I realized soon that it was I who fell for it. The boy is a nightmare! Honestly, I wouldn’t have him any other way. I adore him, as annoying as he is, he deserves happiness that he hasn’t gotten. He and Lucifer both, but Lucifer’s gotten his, with Michael.

I knew it as soon as it happened, of course, and I was betting on it even before. I know Michael’s type; I am Michael’s type, and so is Lucifer. They reminded me of Michael and I, when we first started competing. It wasn’t a surprise to me that they hooked up, but I stayed quiet. Lucifer, for all his bravado, is shy, and had I told Gabriel, I doubt their relationship would’ve gone anywhere. As it sits, they seem alright, which I suppose is good.

Who I’m really worried about is Gabriel. He was an insomniac, and he hallucinated quite often. It’s been better, since he went to the hospital wing, but not entirely. He’s often up, and he never got a full night’s sleep, even before the funeral. Since the funeral, he’s sobered up a bit, but he seems unwell. I love him dearly, and to see him hurting is to hurt myself. I can’t do anything, though, and it’s infuriating. He’s miserable and lonely, but Lucifer doesn’t notice, and Dean’s too locked up in his own worries to assuage Gabriel’s and ask him out. He hasn’t noticed that Gabriel’s smitten with him, or that Gabriel thinks he’s dating Castiel. The boy’s an idiot. I hope, for my dearest friend’s sake, that he winds up happy and healthy at the end of this year. I love him too much to let him be anything else, and damn me to hell if I do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, not my favorite chapter, but I don't hate it enough to rewrite it. Please note that there will likely be a little longer break between chapters for the month of April, since I have three projects due next week and a play to practice for! I'm sorry for this!


	32. Happy New Years, Now Go To School.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late... I feel really bad I can't stick to my own schedule right now; I'm so sorry guys! I really hope this chapter makes up for it...

Wednesday, 1/1/14

So we’re back in school, and it’s January as of today! Four months into the school year, and I’m still alive. I never thought that’d be surprising; that I lived through half a school year.

I’m really sorry I haven’t written since the funeral; I actually forgot the journal on my bed before we left for break… I was really fucking pissed when I figured that one out. Lucifer laughed his ass off, of course.

On the other hand, break was so fucking awesome. Meg, Ruby, and Anna are all at the house, and Meg and Anna are going to be starting muggle school in London in a couple days, but while we were home, I got to play games and bond with them all over again. Meg and Ruby love Luce and I, so we had fun pranking Anna when she wasn’t looking. Even Lucifer took part, when he wasn’t calling Dean to ask about Michael. I mean, really? Come on, man, it’s break, take a break from your boyfriend! It was hilarious listening to Dean awkwardly talk about his boyfriend’s brother. Seriously, Dean obviously had no idea what to say.

He did wind up taking a break from his boyfriend, as it turned out. Um. This is a little awkward to say. Well, I mean, the first part isn’t so awkward… Crowley came over! It was nice to see him, and he brought me roses and I had to introduce him to Dad and THAT was awkward, but he was sweet. Until Dad left with the girls to go pick up a present somewhere, and we threw a party. Granted, the party was just for the three of us, but we threw a party, alcohol and all, two days before Christmas. I mean, it wouldn’t have been bad without the alcohol, but we had alcohol, so we drank it. A lot of it.

Basically, at three in the morning, all of us were drunk, and listening to Lady Gaga. Here’s where it got a little awkward! So I remember this completely, and Luci has a vague memory of it, but we do know it did happen, BECAUSE CROWLEY TOOK A VIDEO. THAT HE IS KEEPING AS BLACKMAIL. The asshat! What happened was Lucifer and I wound up making out on the couch. And I do mean making out. Um. Well, at least no one will ever read this! Right? Oh god, please, no one read this. I made out with my brother, and well, he was actually pretty good at it. AT LEAST WE DIDN’T HAVE SEX. That would’ve been worse; I don’t want my twin’s virginity. NO. NO. I need to get off this subject. NOW.

So we woke up on Christmas Eve, and we silently agreed to never, EVER, speak about it, thank god. Jesus fuck, it was so awkward waking up laying on top of him, which is indeed how I woke up. Crowley was laughing his ass off, the shit. After that, he showed us the video and both of us avoided each other until Dad got home with the girls, and we went out Christmas shopping.

Lucifer got Michael this pretty pink shirt with ‘Touch me and you die’ on it, and I freaking died laughing. I mean, it’s perfect! Considering he assaulted me when I tried to surprise him… Lucifer said it’s a medical thing; a fear of being touched unexpectedly? I don’t know. He took off after that to grab some stuff for me and Dean and Sam. Sam got books from him, and Dean got some broom care stuff, I don’t know, really. I did wind up getting Crowley sex toys, by the way, but I did also give him something more personal, but I’m not going to say what that is; that’s for Crowley and Crowley only. I got Lucifer a new necklace, which he loved, and I got Dean a ring, anonymously, of course. Personally, I think it’s beautiful. It’s just the color of his eyes and the designs on it are pretty. Expensive little thing, though. I didn’t get Michael a present per say, but I did write him, and I told him some shit about Lucifer that I think he’ll enjoy!

Speaking of Michael, the dude is awesome! He sent us so much shit for Christmas it’s unbelievable! Lucifer’s boyfriend royally spoiled him; I mean, wow. He sent Lucifer a new broom, the latest on the market, expensive clothes, four dozen roses, a two way mirror so that they don’t have to talk through Dean, a Wizard’s Chess set, and a FUCKING OWL. Lucifer was so embarrassed, but he was really happy. Dad and Anna were laughing at him, and the little girls just ran around and played with his stuff.

On my side, Michael sent me a shit ton of sweet and pastries from France, which he ordered especially for me! I think my brother’s boyfriend is my new favorite person, holy crap! He also sent me a bunch of firecrackers and fireworks and this really, really old book on magical creatures and wow. It was really sweet of him. On that note, though… Crowley. Wow. I don’t really know how to repay him. He commissioned a painting of me. I mean, a full on oil painting, and that was how I spent most of my Christmas, posing for it, but he also sent me a box full of lace panties, and a cat. The little baby looks like Dean, so I have a cat named Deanie, because she’s a girl. Crowley couldn’t come over, because his sister was being a bitch, according to him, but he came by later in the break, and let’s just say we put his presents from me to good use.

Though, I did get some little things from my family, including a new laptop from my dad, I also got a ring from someone. When I say from someone, I mean Dean Winchester. The ring’s silver, and obviously not new, but I don’t know where he got it, or why he gave it to me. It’s beautiful, though, so I wear it. It’s a little big, but that’s okay. Lucifer has had fun giggling about it, which is annoying as hell. I mean, it’s easy to get him to shut up; just ask him what Michael got him, but still. It’s not meant to be romantic; he’s dating Cas.

Unfortunately, even after all the presents, Lucifer has an owl that will not stop bothering me! It sits on my head all the time! Even when I run, it just sticks its fucking talons into my head and hangs on! It hates me; I know it! But really, Michael spoiled my brother, and he knows it. I was laughing at him earlier for it, because it shuts him up about what Dean got me, but he punched me so I stopped. His owl still didn’t leave when he punched me.

Currently, I’m sitting around in my room, with Dean and Sam and Lucifer. There were more, but Michael and Crowley went off somewhere, separately, of course, and so did Cas. I’m stuck doing homework, because on our first day back, Professor Weasley gave us a five page essay on what we did over break! I want to kill someone! At least we have a while to get it done, but I’m starting mine.

In the meantime, Lucifer is panicking. Michael’s birthday is in four days, so he has no idea what to get him, since Christmas was less than a month ago. He’s freaking the fuck out, and it’s hilarious. I suggested they have sex, but Luci punched me in the face, and now I have a black eye one day into the new term. Dean’s been laughing at me for it, but I did notice he’s wearing the ring. I wonder who he thinks gave it to him?

Speaking of, everyone really liked their presents. We all hugged each other on the train, except for Michael, who kissed my twin brother until he pushed him away and ignored everyone else. They are so fucking cute it’s unreal. They sat holding hands for the rest of the ride, too, so I laughed at that. We all got to show off our presents, and I thanked Dean for the ring later, when we got back to school. I don’t really know why; it felt more personal. He hugged me though. It was nice.

Pretty much all day, Lucifer’s new owl (which he’s named Elsa, since we watched Frozen over the break and she’s a snowy owl) has been perched on my head. I want to cry. She’s tearing out my hair and digging into my head! I’m in pain. Professor Malfoy burst out laughing when he saw me! Nobody can remove her, and I’m contemplating the hospital wing. Deanie makes up for it; she is so cute! She runs around my room and snuggles with me, like now. Unfortunately, Elsa is still on my head. I’m still in pain. Dean’s still laughing at me.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so, we've had an awkward case of incest and Crowley being evil about it. At the same time, we have overly doting Michael, Dean being sweet, and Crowley himself being simultaneously crude and wonderful. In other news, I like the next chapter a little more.


	33. Happy Birthday, Dear Michael!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've hit the first of the group's birthdays, but there's also not a lot of happy coming after this, so mental prep would be a good thing. I like this one well enough, though, so hey!

Sunday, 1/5/14

It was Michael’s birthday today, so he took us to Hogsmeade! By us, I mean him, Luci, me, and Crowley. Oh my god; it was so much fun! Granted, it’s only nine at night and I’m falling asleep. Crowley and I had to run to the kitchens and grab some coffee after dinner just to stay awake. It’s not helping much now, but I mean, at least I’m awake. Sort of.

Michael and Lucifer were really sweet today. At first, my brother was annoyed, because he hates being made to go places, and Michael wouldn’t exactly tell us where we were going, only that we needed to get ready. So we all got ready before breakfast, grabbed food from the kitchens, and left out to Hogsmeade. Of course, Lucifer was bitching, and Michael was getting annoyed, so he kissed him to make him shut up. I mean, he did shut up, so it worked, but it was cute! My brother was really quiet after that, and they held hands in the carriages on the way there. Crowley and I laughed at them, and Luci flipped us off.

As soon as we got there, Michael and Lucifer left Crowley and me by ourselves, which was probably a terrible idea. It really was a terrible idea. Basically, Crowley snuck us back into Zonko’s, and we raised a little hell. The whole store was blue by the time they kicked us out, and once again we had to pay for a lot of stuff, but we were laughing our asses off, and Crowley paid, so it was worth it. Seriously, we wound up throwing handfuls of this dye stuff that changed colors around, and so we both wound up multicolored, and I may or may not have stolen several boxes of magic hair dye to use on Lucifer and/or Michael at a later date.

We went looking for the other two, but we found them having a date in one of the pubs, so we took off to go buy some more crap.

I wound up buying Michael a birthday present by borrowing money from Crowley, and we agreed that it’d be a joint present from the both of us—we got him a new broom, all the supplies to take are of it, and a whole bunch of expensive alcohol. Crowley said that he would love it, since he didn’t have the latest broom, even though he’d bought one for Lucifer. Apparently, he loves alcohol, too, though I don’t know how accurate Crowley is with these things.

We met up with them later, when we were almost ready to go. Our present wasn’t really a surprise, even wrapped, because I mean, it’s a broom! It looks like a broom! Even so, Michael really loved it, and he hugged us both. Crowley being Crowley, didn’t really accept that, and he leaned over and kissed my brother’s boyfriend. I was lucky enough to see Lucifer’s face, and his jaw just dropped. I mean, it was a deep kiss, so of course he was pretty stunned. And then the cold fury set in. Seriously, I felt it radiating off of my brother, and when the two of them broke apart, Lucifer turned to stomp away. Michael and Crowley both smiled and giggled, but for just a split second, I saw a really wistful look on both of their faces, and it looked like they were both wondering: what if?

When Michael ran to catch up with Lucifer and apologize, I asked about it, but Crowley said he didn’t want to talk about it, and he looked angry, so I didn’t say anything.

I kind of wonder sometimes what goes through his head, since he doesn’t like to talk about his past, his family, his relationship with Bobby… He doesn’t talk to me about much at all, really. I wonder sometimes if he likes me at all, then sometimes I know he loves me like I love him. It’s frustrating. Like today, the whole day I’ve been wondering if maybe he still feels something for Michael. I don’t think so; I mean, he adores Bobby Singer; I’ve seen it, but still. I wonder how things went down with them for them to have such a special relationship now.

Back to the relative present, Lucifer and Michael have been gone since we got back, so I’m assuming they’re making out in a back room somewhere as payment for Crowley this afternoon.

The last couple days have been hard for me. First of all, people actually talk to me, which is weird as all hell, but the problem is, they always ask if I’m okay. I don’t really want to be thinking about Zachary, but everyone brings it up, even Dean did, and it really hurts. The insomnia’s coming back because of it. I’m having nightmares when I do go to sleep, so I just kind of guzzle coffee, which believe me, I know it’s bad, but I don’t want to sleep when I dream of my stepdad’s skeletal face smiling at me. I miss him so bad, and it’s even worse when I start thinking about how my last words to him were probably something along the lines of I hate you.

Second, I’m lonely. It’s strange, because more people are talking to me than ever, but I’m so lonely I can hardly stand it. Lucifer’s always off with Michael; Dean, Sam, and Cas are like the holy trinity, and Crowley’s busy scamming people out of Christmas gifts they don’t want. I spend a lot of time alone in my room, doing homework or just spacing off. On the bright side, my grades are doing great because I have nothing better to do than homework!

Aside from that, things have been alright, since I can light off harmless fireworks to scare the shit out of people whenever I want now, thanks to Michael. Hard to believe he’s eighteen. Me and Lucifer’s birthday is coming up in about a month and nineteen days, but who’s counting, really? I’m excited! I can’t wait to be eighteen! It won’t be as cool as my sixteenth birthday, because that was fucking awesome, but hopefully it’ll still be really cool.

Anyway, I got a letter from my sisters this morning. It was really cute, even if you can’t really read anything Meg or Ruby attempted to write. Anna wrote an actual letter, asking after us and seeing if we were alright over here. I miss her; she’s like the only sane one in the family, which is probably because she’s only related by blood to the two younger girls, and even then, they’re only half sisters. I mean, it was just really nice to hear from them, even if Anna doesn’t seem so good. She sounded sad in her letter. Hopefully, she’s doing better than her dysfunctional half brother, right?

Charlie, of all people, has been really cool lately, too. She’s really good with technology stuff, which she likes to talk about a lot and it leaves my head spinning. She can talk circles around me. But I mean, she’s really funny and we’ve bonded over our favorite internet memories, and she told me about her LARPing group, which sounds really cool. I don’t know; I’ve never really had any friends like her, but I think we could be friends. I guess we’ll see about it, but right now, I like her better than almost everyone else. 

Also, Lucifer’s owl, even though I have smacked her countless times, still clings to me. I hate her. My head still hurts.

Unfortunately, I must be off; Crowley has decided now is a good time to come waltzing into my bedroom in nothing but a bathrobe. Yum.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hopefully going to be back on schedule for this week? I'm not sure yet, but here's hoping! Next chapter is vaguely pointless, just a warning. Filler!


	34. Charlie is My New Favorite Person

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we've reached the last totally happy chapter for now! I hope you like it, because I don't

Monday, 1/13/14

I am back in the hospital wing, but even that can’t bring me down today! I’ll get to that later, but seriously, I am so happy I can’t even. I think I’m going to enjoy the time I’m forced to spend laying around even more now. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t before; everyone knows I’m lazy, but this is better.

Charlie is the greatest witch I have ever met. I swear on my life; she’s amazing! I mean, she combines muggle tech and spells, and she’s good at it. Not only that, but she’s kind of a genius with computers. I wish I could be good at things like that, but alas, I am a consumer, not a producer. I promise there is a point here. I’m just a long winded idiot who talks too much for his own good.

The point, my dear journal, is that she fixed up all my electronics so that they now work at Hogwarts! I am a little pissed that it’s after break, because I left a lot of my stuff at home specifically because I couldn’t use it, but now, it works! My phone and my laptop, specifically, have been my life the past couple of days. Crowley complained I was neglecting him, but I do need my solitude, and the Internet is how I used to get it. Lately, I haven’t had access, but now that I do, I’m using it. It’s freaking awesome; I mean, I’m getting caught up with all my friends online, so I have more people to talk to. I may be less social in person, but I feel healthier with people to talk to. It’s really great.

My friend from Norway, Loki, ran away from home since I last heard from him, which is kind of a shocker. I mean, he always talked about it, but I didn’t think he would actually do it. He’s apparently living with a guy that’s hooked on drugs, which has me scared. It is his life, but I did tell him that it wasn’t such a good idea. Lucifer ran away after the divorce, and it wasn’t pretty. We all thought he was dead for a while, actually.

But he said he’s really happy to hear from me, so I’ve been telling him some of my life lately, leaving out the wizarding stuff, of course. I had to reread some of this journal to remember it, and it feels weird to read what I wrote about my days. I feel so embarrassed reading some of this stuff, but at the same time, some of it was funny, and some of it was really cool, like the time not long ago that I went out and watched the stars with Dean Winchester.

Oh yeah, there was a Quidditch match today. It was Slytherin against Ravenclaw, so I got to watch Lucifer and Michael play. We stomped the Ravenclaw team, because according to Michael, they suck this year. Still, my brother and his boyfriend were both amazing, and Crowley, Dean, Cas, Sam, and I all sat off to the side and cheered them on. I mean, it did help that at the end of the game, Michael and Lucifer landed and the first thing they did, in front of the whole school, was kiss. It was adorable, as all things Lucifer and Michael are. Michael picked him up and spun him around a little and then kissed him in front of the whole stadium. I’m pretty sure the whole school thought it was cute, and I heard at least five I-told-you-so’s in the crowd. Lucifer was embarrassed, but Michael was sweet enough to herd him off the pitch.

Right after that, a member of the Ravenclaw team threw the Quaffle in his anger, and guess who got hit in the face? If you guessed me, you win a prize, and that prize is jack shit. But you are right, and I think my nose might just wind up permanently disfigured after all the beatings it’s taken so far this year!

The above is how I wound up in the hospital wing for the first time in both the new year and in at least a month, maybe two. I can’t really remember how long ago it was that I was last here. Maybe it wasn’t that long ago? I’m not sure. I mean, I’ve stopped keeping track of how many times I’ve been in here, and I have to say, I don’t hate it as much anymore. It’s kind of comforting, actually. Madame Pomfrey keeps me on potions that take away my dreams, though I still hardly sleep. Now, I sleep about two hours every two or three days, which kind of sucks. I’m good when I can nap every once in a while, but I get in a lot of trouble for sleeping in class. It pisses off Professor Malfoy to no end, which is, admittedly, quite funny, but still. I don’t want to disappoint the only teacher I really really like.

I also wrote my sisters back the other day, since I realized I forgot to write them back when I got their letter. Now, at least, I can borrow Elsa, since she does spend quite a bit of her time on my head, especially when we’re outside. She sat on me through the whole Quidditch game, right up until I got hit in the face.

Anyway, I wrote to Anna, asking her to relay my messages to the little girls. I just told her that we’re doing okay and that Lucifer is indeed dating Michael. She probably expects that; we all did after Christmas, but I figured she’d like to keep up with our lives a little. I wish I could send her pictures, too, but I don’t have a printer, and she doesn’t have a phone. I have at least thirty pictures of my cat that I want to send her now.

On that note, though, everyone loves Deanie. I’ve had people I don’t even know ask me if they can pet my cat. A first year Hufflepuff tried to run off with her, and I nearly died laughing. I mean, it sucked because I had to go chase the kid down, but it really was quite funny. Deanie’s laying next to my head as I write, now, and I just had to take more pictures… I think I might be pathetic.

I’m kind of alternating between my laptop and my notebook! I feel pretty good, all around. It’s been a good week for me. And with that, I bid myself and my lovely friends adieu for a nap. Thank God for sleeping draughts.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I really have to say is brace yourselves for the next couple chapters. They get brutal.


	35. I Fucked My Best Friend Over, Both Literally and Figuratively

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so, here comes the pain. I warn you all, the next chapters... Well, they aren't kind to Gabriel. If you aren't in the mood for some pretty major angst, I would wait at least a few chapters before coming here, because major angst.

Thursday, 1/16/14

Yeah, I’m not a good friend. In fact, I’m quite probably a piece of shit. Do I even need to say that I’ve pissed Crowley off? Because I have. Really, really, bad. I really fucked up today.

I’m in the kitchen right now, and it’s about four in the morning, according to my phone, which is usually pretty accurate. Sometimes, the magic of Hogwarts really starts to fuck it up, but I don’t think it has today. I couldn’t really sleep, so I came down to the kitchen and gorged myself on sweets, like a typical fat ass. I mean, I’ve gained ten pounds since I started school here. I think that’s pretty bad for my health. I don’t particularly care, mentally, so it doesn’t matter. I like my body how it is, extra chub and all.

Anyway, on to more important things. Today was a pretty bad day, as the above implies. I mean, I didn’t think I could catch a break before, but this just sucks.

The morning was okay; Lucifer and I got letters from Dad, and I got one from the girls. Anna wasn’t surprised about Lucifer and Michael, but she did demand that I take many cute pictures of them, which I have and will continue to do because it’s fun and it’s potential blackmail. She and Meg are in muggle school, Meg in her first year, as they call it here, and Anna in her eighth. I mean, Anna hates it, but Meg is making friends, according to the oldest sister. Dad was nice to hear from, but I can tell he’s kind of broken up over the whole funeral thing. He and Zach were really good friends; it was part of the reason out families stayed so close. Mom is really busy, so we can’t ask her how she’s doing, but Dad’s worrying. I wish there was something I could do for him…

My cat is the cutest thing ever, no matter how bad of a day I’ve had. Even Lucifer has fallen in love with her, and she spends equal time draped on or around one of us. Michael thinks she’s sweet, and I have a picture on my phone of Michael and Lucifer holding her between them and laughing and it’s so adorable. I mean, neither of them know I have that picture, which is good because I value my life. Really though, I love her to death. I’m really glad Crowley gave her to me, but at the same time, looking at her today just reminded me of how bad I fucked him over.

This afternoon, I was running around in the halls because I lost Crowley somewhere, and I ran smack into Bobby Singer. I mean, that was the embarrassing experience of a lifetime, and then he asked where Crowley was. I told him I didn’t know; that I was looking for him, and he offered to help. I said sure, because I’m not an idiot. When one wants to find Crowley and he doesn’t want to be found, one will not find Crowley. Therefore, I could use all the help I could get.

That might not sound like a problem in and of itself, but the problem was when I just started babbling to my DADA teacher. For the most part, I just rambled on about pointless crap, like my grades, which are crap, and how I sometimes liked to think about what everyone would look like if they were the opposite gender, and then I, like a stupid idiot, accidentally said something about Crowley and I having sex, which stopped him dead. He kind of started to look absolutely furious, which is about the time when I realized that I’d screwed up and that Bobby hadn’t known that little detail of Crowley’s and my relationship. He told me he had something he needed to do and took off, but I felt sick for the next hour, until Crowley came storming up to me and slapped me in the face, with actual tears in his eyes, asking how the hell I could ruin things for him after all he’s done for me.

I mean, I felt awful, but there was nothing I could do! There still is nothing I can do! I am the world’s worst friend. The absolute worst. He left me alone after that, and I’m only a little ashamed to say that I bawled for a solid hour. Since, I’ve been wandering around, skipping class. I found this creepy ghost girl in one of the older girls’ bathrooms, so I got my ass out of there quick. I don’t even know why I was in a girls’ bathroom, but she was seriously weird, man.

I spent the whole day wandering, came up to my room for five minutes to grab the journal, and took off. I’ve been in the Room of Requirement for a while, and I found the Mirror of Erised again. That thing creeps me out so bad, but it’s hard to stop looking once you find it. I mean, I spent a half hour staring at it without even meaning to. It was really odd coming out of it when I got a text from my sisters, saying good night. I got the hell out of there. After that, I went to the kitchens, where I’ve been for two hours. I think. My mind’s a little hazy from sleep loss.

On a similarly awful hand, my grades change like the weather. That is to say, right now, they suck. I failed a test today. Like, I got ten points on a hundred point test. It was in History of Magic, at least. Nothing that matters too much to me. In Transfiguration, I’m still sucking because of Professor Weasley, who I’m convinced hates me. She said my essay on what I did over break wasn’t interesting enough! What am I supposed to say; my brother and I got drunk and made out? Herbology is going even worse. I smashed the plants we were working on the other day, and Michael glared at me the whole class period. Lucifer didn’t care because he was too busy staring at Michael. He hasn’t even noticed I was gone today, because if he did, wouldn’t he have come looking for me? I mean, that’s what I would do. Maybe he just doesn’t care that much, whatever. I don’t really need people anyway. I survived EYWA with only one friend; I can survive Hogwarts with maybe one. I don’t want to, but I can. I don’t know; I guess I’m just not a people person.

I’ve given up on sleeping, I think. Trying gives me a headache, and I hallucinate no matter what. I can’t really bring myself to care a whole bunch about anxiety and stress right now, because I’d much rather gorge myself on cake, so that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna embrace my sucky brain problems. Giving up on fighting mental illness shouldn’t be a thing to celebrate, but really, I’m hallucinating that I’ve been stabbed. I’m going to wander some more. I can’t stand staying in one place.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. I'm an awful person. Also, I'm sorry this was late! I was gonna write it last night, but I was falling asleep at my desk.


	36. There Are Too Many January Birthdays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More depressing! Ah, joy. It gets worse!

Tuesday, 1/21/14

I’m in the hospital wing. Again. I think I just need to start living here. It’s late; I really should be faking sleep, but I can’t. I keep seeing blood seeping down my shirt, and it doesn’t go away. It’s hard, because I know I’m hallucinating, but I can’t do anything about it. In my head, I’m functioning with a stab wound, which is fucking great; let me tell you.

About that. My new favorite hallucination alternates between being stabbed and Dean. I hallucinate almost constantly now, but it’s not so bad. I can always tell the difference between that and reality. A lot of the time, I see Lucifer, but he’s different somehow. I don’t get it either, okay? I’m mentally ill. I do get the part where he stabs me, though. I mean, it’s fucked up to hallucinate that you’ve been stabbed, but by your twin brother? It’s worse. I love Lucifer, I really do. As kids, he looked out for me, and lately, we’ve been getting closer again, but that doesn’t make it any easier to look him in the eye after seeing him find new ways to creatively stab me every hour or so.

On topic, though, because I hate to be depressing, it’s Dean’s birthday this Friday, and I have absolutely no idea what to get him! I’ve been freaking out so bad all day that even Elsa left me alone. Deanie’s been following me, the sweetie. I love her so much, but I still don’t know what I’m gonna get Dean.

I asked Lucifer, and he looked me dead in the eyes and asked why I didn’t just have sex with him. I punched him in his smug-ass little face. I mean, now I know how he felt before Michael’s birthday. Fuck. Maybe I shouldn’t have teased him so much about it… Lucifer won’t help me now, since I punched him in the face.

I can’t ask Crowley; he’s still not speaking to me. I feel sick of myself, but I can’t just apologize. I just can’t; it’s not how I work! I mean, of course I miss the guy, but he’s probably better off without me anyway. Besides, if he’s pissed, he might actually poison me if I try to speak to him. He’s been skipping DADA, too, and I think Mr. Singer is starting to worry about him. I hope he’ll go after him. It’ll make them both happy, and that’s really all that I want. I miss him, though. It’s really frustrating, because I just don’t understand what the hell I’m constantly doing wrong. I can’t keep any semblance of friendship; it’s pointless. Even so, I wish someone would just tell me what it is that makes me so annoying. I mean, I probably wouldn’t do anything about it, even if I knew, but I might feel better.

Back on the topic, I’m freaking out! Okay, maybe that’s not quite true at the moment, because at the moment I think I classify as depressed, but yesterday and earlier today I was. I don’t know what to get him, even if I could get out of the castle to get him something… I just have to get him something; there’s no way I can just skip over it. I’m in love with him, for Pete’s sake!

I resorted to asking Michael for help, even, but he was pretty useless in that effort. He just raised an eyebrow at me and told me that he wanted what I wanted, which makes absolutely no sense to me at all. I mean, he doesn’t like the same things as me; how could he want the same things? I just don’t understand him.

Lucifer seems to, though, and they dote on each other. It’s sickeningly cute. I mean, Michael is always walking with his arm around my brother’s waist, and Lucifer seems to have a need to be constantly touching Michael. They’re always holding hands or Lucifer will just hold on to his sleeve and it’s simultaneously the cutest thing and the most aggravating. I am happy for them, but I feel like they’re rubbing it in my face. That’s selfish. But I can’t help it! It’s not like I’d be envious if I could choose not to be! I can’t control it.

Moving past that, I even asked Professor Malfoy, but he looked at me with this ‘you can’t be that stupid’ look and told me that I should take a good look at Dean and what he says and does around me. What’s with all the useless advice? I don’t get it! Can’t anyone just say it to my face instead of making cryptic references? Apparently not, so I left after that.

…I wasn’t going to write this, but I feel like I need to. For a second there with Professor Malfoy, I just felt so fucking furious, like I wanted to hurt something. I’m scaring myself. I need help, but I don’t know how to get it. I’ve always just been on my own; I’ve never had anyone to ask for help except for Kali, who would’ve laughed. So needing help? It’s not something I’m used to. I’m scared I’m going to fall apart, but I’m determined not to. Even if I’m barely religious, I’ve been praying for the strength to keep stable lately. I need to feel like there’s a God out there that’s keeping me alive for a reason.

I went to see the unicorns right after I learned Dean’s birthday was coming up, yesterday morning. The mom seemed happy to see me for once, and she let me close to her. She even let me pet her! After like a minute, she started walking away, so I let her, but I think she understood that I was nervous. It was really nice, even if the baby kicked me in the shin.

I went to the hospital wing this afternoon, right after I finished lunch. I nearly threw up, because I hallucinated that Lucifer started killing everyone. He was laughing. I took about ten sleeping draughts, no matter how unhealthy, fell asleep for twenty minutes, had a nightmare, and since, I’ve been sitting around in agony. Lucifer has been following me, and not the real one. He talks to me, sometimes, but it’s not really him. In reality, he’s got a bad temper and is violent, but the hallucination is more calculating and terrifying somehow.

So I’ve had a hard couple days, yes. Dean’s birthday is in three days, and I don’t know what to get him. I’m angry at my brother for being happy, and my best friend hates me. I’m conjuring images of my twin killing everyone in sight, and I see Dean around every corner. I might also be a homicidal maniac. Fun times.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, at least this one is early as payment for the last one being late. Trust me, it gets infinitely worse. Prepare yourselves.


	37. Lucifer Has Officially Jinxed Me In the Worst Way Possible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you all that it got worse. Gabriel, the poor baby, he doesn't understand.

Saturday, 1/25/14

I've just had the worst day of my life, bar none. And I've had some pretty bad days, especially in the last couple months. This is worse; trust me, this is worse. I just can't-- I can't function as a human being today, which is great because it's technically 4 AM and I shouldn't be up and it's also really Sunday but I don't care about that so much. I mean, now I just feel numb. I've temporarily lost emotional rights; I can hear my brain saying that I've used up too much, so I can't have them anymore. Or that might be a hallucination. I don't know anymore.

So if you can’t tell by the date, Dean’s birthday was yesterday. I wound up finding something to give him that morning, which was a shit ton of alcohol, to be honest. It was good alcohol that I jacked from Crowley, but it was alcohol. Technically, I also followed Lucifer’s advice on accident, but we’ll get to that. I don’t really want to talk about it, but I will. I should. I have to.

Since it was Friday, we had class. I skipped first period to sneak into Crowley’s room and steal all of his good whiskey. I’m sure he’ll poison me in my sleep for that, if I ever go to sleep again, but honestly, I don’t care. Not even in the slightest.

After class, me, Sam, Cas, Lucifer, Michael, and Dean all went and hung out and stole a cake from the kitchens, and we had a picnic outside, even though it was fucking freezing. We all laughed and had a great time. It seems so weird to think about how a day ago, I was laughing and having fun with Dean. I don’t think that’s ever going to happen again.

I’m sorry, I’m just sick again. Lucifer is laughing at me and he’s not even here but he seems so real that I don’t know what to do. I’m so drained. I want to scream, but if I do, he might kill me. He’ll kill me.

I had a point here. Oh yeah. Last night, I lit off a bunch of fireworks for everyone. Michael seemed pleased, and Dean looked really happy, but I guess it was a lie. It couldn’t have been true, not after today. Not after today. It was beautiful, though. I mean, it was one of the most beautiful stunts I’ve ever pulled, if I do say so myself. When I think about it, things get a little clearer. I need to think happy thoughts. Happy thoughts… Oh right, I don’t have any. I remember Lucifer told me once when we were kids that the easiest way to a happy memory is to think of your favorite thing and all the things involving your favorite thing, but it’s hard when right now my favorite thing is my cat, who’s name is Deanie, who’s named after Dean, who now hates me. I don’t have anything good to think about right now, and it’s making me feel trapped.

I mean, I’m supposed to be cheerful. I’m supposed to be under control, but I’m a depressed insomniac who is crumbling under pressure. I’m trying so hard to keep it together, but people are noticing it and I don’t know what to tell them when they ask if I’m okay, because I’m not. I’m really not, and I don’t know who to tell. I have no one. No one except my cat, who is curled up in my arms while I sit in the library. I see shadows for things that aren’t there, I see my brother where he’s not, and worst of all I see Dean, telling me that I’m disgusting. But maybe I should tell the story before I can’t anymore.

We spent a lot of last night drinking the alcohol I got him, and it took no time at all to get both of us drunk, because hot damn, Crowley had strong alcohol! To put it simply, we had sex in my bedroom while Lucifer was spending his night with Michael. It was the best sex I’ve ever had in my life, and not because he was particularly amazing at it, it was because it was with Dean, and I love him so, so much. He was sweet and kind and loving and everything that I wanted; he told me he loved me and I dared to believe him. Stupid, naïve Gabriel; who could ever love me?

We woke up in the morning to a sticky, tangled mess of limbs. I mean, I was sore and exhausted. I was just gonna stay in bed, but Dean got up and stared at me like a deer in the headlights. He told me to forget about it, and that it didn’t matter. He told me that it was nothing; he was just drunk. He left me alone after that, and I ran.

I’ve been in and out of the Room of Requirement all day, though I don’t really remember what I’ve been doing. I think I was crying. Or screaming. Or both. Nobody can bother me in here, so that’s a plus. I went back and got Deanie a while ago, but Lucifer wasn’t in our room. Maybe he’s too busy with Michael; I don’t know. Either way, I’m here, and he’s here with me, and more often than not, he brings Dean with him, just to laugh at me. The real Lucifer wouldn’t do that. I think. I can’t tell anymore. Maybe he would, and this is my subconcious’s way of telling me so, but I can’t think like this or I’ll fall apart completely, and I’m already so close to that edge. What if I kill myself? Oh my God, that would suck so bad. It’d be the lamest death ever, too!

I don’t want to kill myself. I think I’ll be okay, eventually, but I’m not right now. Making jokes is the only thing that’s helping, other than squeezing my catatonic cat. I swear, she’s like a pillow. Seriously though, writing in this journal? It helps. When I wrote the above, I really felt like I needed to live. I mean, I do, now. It feels good, refreshing. But it also feels tiring, like effort. I might be willing to put in the effort, but I don’t know yet. I’m gonna call my Dad.

So I called my dad, and I conveniently forgot that it’s five in the morning, and called my mom too. I left them both a voicemail, and I think they’ll both be pissed, but oh well. I’m suddenly tired; I guess today has finally caught up to me. I’m

I have no idea what I was going to say. Crowley came to find me. It’s far too early for coherent thought, but that might be because he kissed me senseless and I’ve been lounging around in his arms letting him pet me and apologize while I sit around and cry. I need sleep, and Crowley is offering to carry me back to the common room, so sleep it is. Good night, and please, dear God, don’t let me ever get so low that I’d like to kill myself.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is the beginning of an extremely scary period that lasts for a little over a month for him, so brace yourself. Not a lot of happy is coming.


	38. So I Think Everyone Is Going to Kill Each Other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't actually remember what this chapter was about, but I have a lot of stuff to do today, so I'm too lazy to check, haha! Happy Easter, everyone who celebrates it! Have this thing!

Sunday, 2/2/14

I might go on a murder spree, seriously. I mean, every little thing is setting me off, and there have been a lot of little things lately. Everyone’s pretty damn mad, and it’s hard to stand, even with Crowley helping to support me.

Speaking of, Crowley’s back. He’s still mad at me, but according to him, he was more worried than he was mad. He’s still avoiding Bobby Singer, though, and he’s making me take all of his homework in, which is awkward as all hell, since Bobby now knows I’m having sex with the kid who’s supposed to be in love with him. I mean, he just kind of ignores me, but when he doesn’t, he has this look on his face that speaks volumes. I guess I’m just the universal least favorite, but oh well. I can deal with that, I hope.

But really, having him back is a dream come true. I missed him really bad, as you tend to do when your sole friend is ignoring you with a passion. But he’s been good to me lately. At the same time though, there’s a difference. We don’t spend as much time laughing, for instance. I mean, we used to spend a lot of time just telling jokes and giggling, but there’s something different. As long as he’s here, whether or not it’s the same as it was before, I think I can make it through this. And that statement is probably a lie.

I’ve been laying around all day today, alternating between eating, sex, and sleep, usually in that order. Crowley is so… Obliging, I guess the word would be, though sex is pleasurable to him too. It’s great to just be able to curl up with him, because honestly, being around him is hugely comforting for no apparent reason, especially since he’s keeping blackmail over Michael fucking Novak with no remorse. But he lets me be me. Still, there’s something wrong going on, and I know it, but right now, I don’t care.

And hey, on the plus side, I’ve been sleeping. My hallucinations have taken a break, but looking at Lucifer takes effort now, and I think I’ve offended him. I mean, right now I couldn’t care less if I offended him, since he’s a grade-A douchebag, but I digress. Sleep is good, even if I usually have nightmares. Things have been fie for the past two days, if you don’t count everything going on around me. I’m starting to think I might be the problem, since the only problems seem to stem from people around me.

Speaking of problems, Crowley is being a bit of a problem. He’s my best friend and I love him, but he’s hurting my brother, and I don’t want that at all. Lately, the two of them haven’t been getting along. Lucifer can spend an hour just glaring at the back of Crowley’s head in Potions, and all Crowley does is provoke him. He’ll turn around, wink at my brother, and then go back to his work. And since Michael and Crowley sit next to each other for the project we’re working on in Potions, going back to work usually involves sitting too close to Michael for comfort.

Lucifer is possessive, just like Michael, so obviously he doesn’t take it, and as soon as class gets out, he’s always angry at Michael, who doesn’t see the problem, since in his mind, they broke up, and they dislike each other, and therefore Lucifer shouldn’t worry. My twin doesn’t listen to him at all, and I mean, if you didn’t know he’s an idiot, you do now, because he’s started flirting with some other guy in our house, and it’s pissing Michael off so much it’s a little scary. It’s distancing them. Lucifer expected Michael to come over and get angry, but Michael isn’t like that. He ignored my brother, instead, and earlier today, they had a giant fight over it in the common room, which had Crowley giggling.

I mean, I love my brother, but I love Crowley too. I’m mad at them both. I don’t understand why Crowley is trying to get under their skin, because they’re sweet with each other, and I don’t know how Lucifer will handle it if he has to break up with his first and only boyfriend. I don’t know if Crowley is jealous, or what, but I can’t let this go on for much longer, because it’s breaking Lucifer.

On the other hand, Lucifer. Since he’s a jackass and doesn’t know how to deal with emotions, I’m his punching bag. He likes to yell at me, and if he’s in a bad enough mood, he’ll throw me around. I can hold my own in a fight, but my brother is abusive, and I can’t stand being around him when he gets like that, because it scares me after all the hallucinations I’ve had of him stabbing me.

Basically, life around here is frustrating. I don’t know who’s side I’m supposed to take, because as much as I love my brother, I’m getting really good at putting on makeup for bruises. But I can’t let Crowley break my brother’s heart, either. I know I’m going to have to pick a side, and I’m not ready for that.

Well, at least I have my cat, right? I’ll be on my own side if I have to; I don’t want to be in the middle of this fight, because it’s going to happen, and soon. It’s the only way forward. Neither of them are backing down, and Michael won’t pick a side and end this, because he’s angry. I mean, it’s his brand of anger, where he’s dead silent and looks like he’s contemplating murder, but still.

God, I think I live in a soap opera now.

But really, I do think that someone might be really hurt if this comes to be. I don’t want it to, but what can I do? I’m not important; there’s no way I could stop this whole thing… I don’t know. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Some days, I wish there was a God so He could tell me what to do. I’m scared.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So next chapter is the drama, so be prepared!


	39. Drama, Drama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is the big fight of the century. This is also the fourth extra- I rewrote it in first person so you'll be able to see how unreliable of a narrator Gabriel really is in two more chapters. Also, I'm sorry this is late- in between play rehearsals and a Franz Ferdinand concert yesterday, I've been a little busy. But on the other hand, the play went well when we preformed today, and my birthday is in less than a month. All good things.

Saturday, 2/8/14

I would’ve written this last night, but I needed the time to stew over how far down my life has gone. Sorry about that. I really haven’t had any time to think lately.

To put it simply, Lucifer and Michael have been arguing really badly over the whole Crowley issue, which makes it hard to do anything but put a pillow over your head and try to get some sleep. I sense a breakup in the immediate future, which I mean, if it had stuck to petty fights and arguments, they could’ve lasted, I bet, but after the other day? They’re breaking up, which sucks, because Valentine’s Day is in less than a week. Well, at least my brother will know how bad it sucks to be single on Valentine’s Day when he’s never cared before.

Maybe I should get to the point?

Really, this whole thing has been Crowley’s fault. I mean, he’s been baiting my volatile twin brother, which basically means Lucifer takes it out on me. I have gotten too many bruises in the past week than I can count, and nobody knows. Who would I tell? Crowley? He’d either laugh, or get angry. He’s just been being a douche lately; Lucifer’s pretty pissed at him for ‘trying to steal Michael.’ All that shit came to a head yesterday, in the middle of the common room, of course.

It was the evening, almost curfew, so Lucifer and I were just getting back from exploring the castle a little, also known as me trying to make him tell me where the Chamber of Secrets is. He won’t tell me, that fucker. Anyway, we got back, and the first thing Lucifer saw, of course, was Crowley lounging on Michael’s lap on the couch. Lucifer froze, Crowley grinned, and the look on my brother’s face then was one of pure fury. I knew shit was about to go down, so I backed away from Lucifer and steered clear of the couch.

Crowley just stretched and started talking about how nice it was to be with Michael again, and Michael just shrugged and didn’t really say anything. Lucifer seethed. Crowley finally leaned over and laid his head on Michael shoulder, and told him they should really hang out more or something like that, and then my brother broke. He went from perfectly calm to flat out screaming in only a few seconds, as Lucifer tends to do.

He started yelling at Crowley to back the hell off, to which Crowley asked why he should. Things escalated from there, really. Lucifer was so, so mad; more angry than I’ve seen him in years, possessive bastard. But he started yelling about how Crowley was just a desperate, cheap, whore who took what he could get. Crowley, of course, didn’t really like being compared to a whore, and actually started to get angry, and trust me, Crowley angry usually precedes a near-death experience.

From there, it actually got worse: Lucifer started saying that Michael was his, and once again demanding that Crowley back off, which didn’t work. Plus, Crowley insisted he could do whatever he wanted with Michael. Michael, in the meantime, wasn’t so happy. I mean, the guy looked like he was going to murder a kitten and not feel any remorse. The argument between the other two went on for a little bit, and Lucifer kept calling Michael his and saying that Crowley couldn’t touch his belongings or whatever, when out of nowhere, Michael got pissed, and he told them both off for treating him like a piece of property that couldn’t make decisions for himself.

My brother tried to justify himself, but Michael stomped out of the common room. I almost went after him, and maybe I would’ve if I hadn’t wanted to see the outcome of the fight. Is it bad that I was rooting for my abusive brother over my best friend? Maybe, but that’s what I did. Believe me, I love my brother. I don’t want to see him lose Michael, but I know that it’s already over.

Now, keep in mind for this next part, a crowd had already gathered. It was mostly Slytherins, but there were a couple of other people from separate houses spattered around, and they were all there because of this death match between two of Slytherin’s famous divas.

What actually happened here was simultaneously mortifying, infuriating, and frustrating. First of all, they started debating which one of them was better or something like that, and Lucifer just screamed that Crowley was my replacement for Dean. That’s not true at all! I love Dean, I really do, and while I love Crowley, he is my best friend and nothing more! Of course, Lucifer did have to yell that in front of our entire house, so now, every single person knows that I have a crush on Dean. I mean, they also think that Crowley and I are a couple, and that I’m just some idiot who’ll fuck whatever comes by, but once again, there is a point and I am beside it.

The point is that Crowley called my brother a replacement for himself. I mean, he hit a new low with that insult, but it was funny seeing Lucifer’s jaw drop, and the smug look on Crowley’s face when he knew he’d won. He told the whole story to our entire house, and every single person in the room, other than Crowley and me, had identical looks of shock on their faces.

Lucifer stalked out of the room, but unfortunately, he dragged me with him. I’ll be honest, I was scared. The look on his face was one of pure hatred. I thought he might kill me, and I don’t even know why I thought so. He did take me back to our room, though, and he slapped me around a lot, and he finally started to cry. He told me I ruined his life. My own twin told me I ruined his life. He told me everything would’ve been better if we’d never been forced out here in the first place, or better yet, if I hadn’t been born. I mean, he’s right. I’ve done nothing but fuck up since we got here. I get it.

Lucifer left after that, but after a minute, Crowley came by. He was laughing, honest to fucking God laughing, because he won or whatever, and I was sitting there crying on the floor, in pain and feeling devastated. He had the nerve to laugh right then. When I looked up at him, he stopped, and looked so fucking mad, and he asked what happened. I did something I didn’t think I had the strength to do, which was tell him to leave. Crowley looked even madder than Lucifer had, and he said that if I shut him out then I would regret it. I still told him to get the fuck out, and less than a day later, what do you know? I regret it. Once again, I’m getting the silent treatment, and I don’t think this is going to end like the last one did. I think it might end with me dead on a floor somewhere.

Really though, everyone is in uproar. The whole school is buzzing, and I think I might die of the rumors I’ve heard about me in the past day, even just walking from my room to the Great Hall to the Room of Requirement and back to my room. At least there’s so many rumors that nothing is credible, so even if Dean did hear about my crush, he’d probably think it’s nothing but a rumor. Hopefully.

All the same, I knew this fight was coming; it’s been coming for at least a week now. It was only a matter of time before things boiled over, and now that they have, it’s only a matter of working past all of this. Right?  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I should be back on schedule, except for the fact I might be busy on the twenty sixth so it might be late too, but hopefully I won't be. Hope you all liked it, and see you all later.


	40. Happy Valentine's Day, Suckers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> asdfghjkl I'm so sorry this is late; I stayed up far too late last night not writing! Well, we're getting to the most depressing point in this fic, so I apologize for these next chapters. They're a major low point, but some of the character development is coming too. Also- forty chapters! Holy crap!

Friday, 2/14/14

Guess where I am? Yep, I’m back in my second home, the hospital wing. This time I actually have reasons other than being a depressed jackass, which is weird. I am covered, nearly head to toe, in bruises, and plus, I’ve been sitting around eating candy all day, so I seriously ate myself sick. I’ve thrown up like twice in the past hour, which sucks, but I will never regret eating candy. It’s much too precious to me to regret.

I wish I could say that Lucifer and Michael are off being cute at the moment, but I honestly doubt that they want anything to do with each other at this particular moment. They broke up a couple days ago, and ever since, Lucifer has been alternating between furious and miserable, but no matter the mood I catch him in, I try not to stay in his presence for too long. I mean, he’s supposed to be my brother, but I routinely see him killing people, and his abuse has gotten to the point that I’m starting to worry that he might kill me. It’s stupid; I’m trying to tell myself that he’s my brother. I’m trying to convince myself that he couldn’t hurt me, but it’s not working, because he does hurt me.

Most people don’t understand how emotionally traumatizing it is to be abused physically by someone in your family, but it really is. I mean, the pain hurts, obviously, but he’s supposed to love me and protect me, and I can say in confidence that he does neither. Lucifer is barely my family, not anymore. I feel like dying would be a much better option than suffering through this hell any longer than I have to. I can barely bring myself to write, nowadays, which sucks, but its hard. I have to force myself to pick up a damn quill to scribble down the stupid, whiny ramblings of an insomniac teenager. It’s all pointless. I’m pointless.

Let’s recap, shall we? I am being beaten black and blue by my brother, and my everything hurts. I get sleep, if you count one or two hours a night sleep. I hallucinate vividly and constantly. Usually, the hallucinations involve Lucifer or Dean. My grades? Terrible. I hardly keep up in class anymore, which is surprising. I do all my homework, but I guess I’ve just gotten too stupid to do it right anymore. Oh well. Everyone always assumes I’m stupid anyway. I mean, now I’m just proving their points, which isn’t so bad. In fact, I’m doing something nice for them.

Crowley is still furious at me, and he might even be mad at Bobby. What a miracle. Not like I’d know, though. He’s been happy lately, and I don’t know if that’s because I’m just not around, or something else, but he’s been elated. Especially today, and that probably means Bobby did something for him for Valentine’s Day. Fucking couples. I hate Valentine’s Day because I never have a fucking date for it, but at the same time, I can just steal candy from everyone who does have a date. That’s what I’ve spent my day doing, and it was worth it. I love candy so much, that I don’t even care if it gets me really sick. Or maybe I just don’t care if I get sick anymore. Who knows?

On the other hand, I can always date my cat. Deanie is my favorite thing on the planet. She’s such a sweet cat; she even lets me use her as a pillow sometimes. She’s gotten really big in the last month or two, too. I mean, how big do cats grow? She was about the size of my hand when I first got her, but now? My cat has gotten to the point where she’s about as long as the distance between my elbow and wrist. Basically, she doubled her size in a month. I didn’t know that was possible, but then again, I’ve never had a cat. I want twenty now.

Oh yeah, my dad called me back a couple days ago. He and Anna talked to me on the phone, and Meg was in the background. I think Ruby was asleep. Anyway, I don’t really remember what I said on the phone when I called, but they seemed pretty freaked. Dad asked me at least ten times if I was okay, and then Anna asked if there was anything she could do for me. I told them I was fine, but I’m curious about what I said on the phone. I hope I didn’t say anything about suicide or something, because that would really upset my dad, and that’s not what I want at all.

Sorry, I actually just got a phone call. My mom called. She said the same stuff as Dad; she wanted to know if I was okay and stuff and apologized for being busy with work. Once I told her that I was okay, I talked to her about her job until Lucifer started talking about the merits of human hearts compared to cow hearts, at which point I had to hang up, throw up, and try to get rid of the hallucination because it was getting really creepy.

On top of all this shit, my grades have dropped like rocks. I already said that, I know, but really? All of my teachers, even Professor Weasley, have taken to asking if I’m okay before, in the middle of, and after class, and it’s honestly quite annoying. I have to repeat the same lies over and over and over- I’m totally fine, I just haven’t been feeling well lately. If I tell anything resembling the truth, they always tell me to work harder or get happier, which helps about NOT AT ALL. Professor Malfoy has been alright about it, though. He doesn’t ask. I know he’s worried, but he just offered to take me out to Hogsmeade for a weekend sometime. I told him maybe, which probably means no, since I don’t even know if I’ll live long enough to take him up on that offer. I want to go, and I want to live, but I’m tired. Do you understand? Probably not; who am I kidding?

On the other hand, today has been great for playing jokes. Just mix up some candies here and there, rig a stuffed animal or two, and presto; you have the most hilarious prank ever. All of the twelve couples I tried these on broke up, and it was damn hilarious. The girls’ faces were all so funny, thinking that their precious boyfriends had given them bad candy and exploding animals.

Also, I may or may not have written Professor Longbottom a long letter about how Professor Weasley wanted to cheat on her husband for him. I haven’t had the chance to ask what happened with it, since I’ve been sick, but I can’t wait to see how fast that friendship falls apart.

I’m tired and sick, so I’m going to sleep, but I do want to say, while I still have the belief in it—I do not want to die. I don’t want to die.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also spoilers Michifer reunites sometime relatively soon. But yeah, next chapter is the extra, but it's just ch. thirty nine rewritten in first person POV, so you can skip it unless you want to see just how unreliable of a narrator Gabriel is a lot of the time.


	41. Extra: The Dramatic Explosion of Gabriel's World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap guys, I've just published my forty first chapter. I'm gonna print this out and put it together with my notes when I'm done, just because I'm so proud of the work I've done here. This chapter really is skippable, since it's only chapter thirty nine, written differently. Though, I do like this one, and it is longer, so if you want to read it, go ahead.

“Why won’t you tell me where the Chamber of Secrets is? I know you know, Luci! Just tell me!” I whined, yanking at Lucifer’s sleeve while he rolled his eyes and tried to wriggle out of my grip.

“I’m not stupid enough to think that’d be a good idea, Gabriel. You’d kill yourself trying to get in.” He shook his head with a soft smile, and I forced myself to laugh. He meant it to be funny, I told myself, and shoved a smile on my face.

“But why? I mean, I just wanna see if it really exists!” That was a lie; having a new hiding place would be really nice, especially if it was the former lair of a basilisk. I sighed and Lucifer shook his head. We pushed open the door to the common room together. I was about to say something to Lucifer, something about how we could go look together if that would make him feel better, but my brother had frozen in the doorway. The look of utter disgust on his face was kind of scaring me.

In the meantime, Crowley, the bastard, who was pretending he hadn’t seen us come in, was sitting on Michael’s lap, laughing at something or another he’d said. Personally, I didn’t find Michael that funny, but I figured he was probably faking it to get under Lucifer’s skin. Finally, after like a solid minute of Lucifer glaring, Crowley looked over and just fucking grinned at him. Grinned!

“Oh Michael, it’s nice to be able to be with you again,” Crowley said with a dramatic sigh, and Lucifer bit down on the inside of his cheek. Now was my time to get out of there, but I couldn’t. I was riveted to this, as sick as it was. I needed to see it. Michael shrugged nonchalantly, but he didn’t seem to be paying attention to Crowley, just his homework. Either way, he missed the innuendo, and just frowned slightly.

When Crowley leaned over to lay his head on Michael’s shoulder, Lucifer started clenching and unclenching his fists.

“You know darling, we should do this more often,” Crowley purred and leaned into Michael, who tried to back away as much as he could while on a couch. I was angry at him for this; of course I was! He knew he was baiting Lucifer, and he was only doing it for his own enjoyment, as far as I could tell. I don’t think he knew that this fight was ripping me apart.

“Get. The fuck. Away. From him. Now,” My brother snarled, low in his throat, and I flinched. It sounded too much like my hallucinations for comfort. I wanted to run, to leave, but how could I go? Either my best friend or my brother was going to be in huge trouble, and I couldn’t just leave, no matter any of the things they’ve done to me. I backed away so I was standing against a wall, and I watched as people started coming in.

“No, I don’t think I will. Why? Are you upset?” And my brother snapped. He walked over, perfectly calmly, pulled Crowley up by the collar of his shirt, still perfectly calm, and punched him in the face. It wasn’t a light punch either.

“Lucifer! What the hell?” Michael snapped, and he started to stand, but Lucifer glared at him, and he went silent. He looked so shocked. Poor guy, he’s dating a psychopath.

“Yes, I am fucking upset, you asshole! That is my boyfriend, and you don’t fucking touch him, you ugly little worm! You aren’t worth the ground you stand on!” Crowley stood up and smiled. Like, he actually smiled after being decked in the face!

“Well, I don’t see a brand on him,” Crowley said, gesturing to Michael, “so what makes him yours, other than the idiotic belief that he loves you?”

Lucifer choked, and for a second, he looked like my brother again; scared and lonely and just wondering what in the world he could’ve done wrong. But then the fury was back, and it was worse.

“I wouldn’t know anything about branding, but then again, maybe you would. You’re the cheap little whore who’ll do anyone with legs, after all!”

And then Crowley snapped, and more people were steadily flowing in in their pajamas. Crowley grinned, but it wasn’t gleeful anymore, it was predatory. I myself edged over towards the dorms. I didn’t want to get stuck in the middle, like I inevitably would.

“Oh I’m a cheap whore, hmm? You’ll regret that, Shirley. I will ensure it,” Crowley snarled. The two of them circled each other, and Michael looked helpless.

“Please, both of you, stop this; it’s ridiculous!” I give the guy credit for trying, but my brother doesn’t back off easily.

“Shut up, Michael!” The two of them yelled in perfect unison. Michael started looking mad, and I was intrigued. I’d never seen Michael that mad before; I think the only time I’d seen him like that was on Halloween.

“Michael is mine! Back the fuck off, now, or I will make you.”

“Oh, like you could make me do anything, Lucifer! Don’t kid yourself darling; I can do what I want.”

“I can and I will; he is mine and if I say you can’t touch him you can’t fucking touch him!”

“Why not? Why shouldn’t I touch what I like?”

“Because he’s—“

“I am not a piece of property for you to do what you like with! I am a human, and capable of making my own decisions, you children! You’re both idiots, and I’m not particularly inclined to sit here and listen to you toss me around like a favorite toy. I thought I was more than that to you, Lucifer, and I thought you were above this, Crowley.” Michael looked seriously angry. I honestly thought he was going to blow up at them, but he just looked furious.

“Michael, that’s not what I—“

“It is precisely what you meant, Lucifer, and you know it.” Michael left the common room with his head held high, leaving my twin gaping after him looking like his heart was ripped out of his chest. I started walking to go after Michael, but I couldn’t leave my brother like that, no matter how afraid I was of the aftermath. I couldn’t do anything but sit and wait for it all to be over.

The whole house was gathered around us buzzing about the argument. Theories were flying everywhere, and it wasn’t even over yet. Lucifer was attempting to school his face back into indifference while Crowley smiled like a fucking shark.

“I’m. Better. Than. You,” Crowley sang to my brother, dancing around him and poking his chest with every word. Lucifer was shaking.

“No you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No.”

“Yes! Just admit it!”

“No, you aren’t, but do you know what you are?”

“No, love, I know you’re pathetic, but what am I?”

“You’re just a replacement for Dean Winchester.” My jaw dropped to the floor, and Crowley turned to look at me for a second, which made everyone else in the room stare at me too. Lucifer’s ice eyes glittered with a cold triumph that once again had me flinching away.

“Excuse me?” Crowley asked. There was a disgusted sneer on his face.

“Exactly what I said! You are nothing but a replacement for Dean Winchester! Do you even mean anything to my brother, Crowley?” Lucifer laughed. I couldn’t stand the sound. I was afraid.

Once again, all eyes were on me, but I was choking on air. I couldn’t say anything at all, and I was nearly crying. Crowley was nobody’s replacement; he was my friend, and I loved him as such! Nobody would’ve believed me if I’d said anything, but I could hear people already making up stories about Dean and me. I just lowered my head and hoped to God it would pass soon.

“Oh Lucifer, you child, you have the nerve to call me a replacement? You’re the only replacement here, you poor deluded soul! You are Michael’s replacement for me, you imbecile!”

Lucifer stopped dead. Everyone in the room froze in disbelief. I tried to catch Crowley’s eye to try and persuade him out of it, but he was laughing at the expression on Lucifer’s face. I couldn’t believe he would say that to my brother, and I felt mad, but I couldn’t intervene or they’d kill me.

“That’s right you stupid bastards, Michael and I dated, and it was better than anything he ever had with this dumbass. Have you really never noticed that we’re similar, Lucifer? Never? Because we are, and that’s the only reason he’s even dating you! I pity you for thinking he actually loved you!” Crowley burst into laughing, and Lucifer turned and walked away. I was relieved for about point five seconds until he grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the common room.

When he reached our room, he was furious. His nails were digging into my skin and starting to draw blood. I whimpered, and he slapped me. Lucifer dropped me, and the first thing he did was kick me in the gut. I gasped, and he just knelt down to punch me in the face.

“Lucifer, please!” I screamed, but he did nothing other than slap me again. I rolled onto my back, gasping and trying desperately not to sob. I wanted it to be over; I wanted everything to be over. I didn’t want to live anymore, and I was so afraid that I was going to die.

When he finally stopped, I rolled onto my side and pulled out my wand to fix up some of my ribs and my nose. Lucifer had started to cry too, and we both cried, back to back.

“You ruined my life.” I didn’t understand what he meant at first, so I didn’t say anything. I bit my hand to muffle my crying.

“Did you hear me, you ungrateful brat? You ruined my whole fucking life! I wish we weren’t brothers,” Lucifer breathed out. He wasn’t yelling anymore; it was quiet, but it shattered my heart into pieces. I knew he was right. I messed up everything I touched.

“Better yet, I wish we hadn’t come here. I hate it here. No, I wish you weren’t born. Then I could be the only child, and I wouldn’t have to deal with your sorry ass.” He was right. I was worthless. Everyone would’ve been happier if I wasn’t there.

I only knew Lucifer’d left when I heard Crowley walk in, because he wouldn’t have voluntarily walked in the same room as Lucifer. Crowley was laughing, and I didn’t understand how anyone could possibly be laughing at the moment. He grabbed my shoulder and I flinched. He let go and gently rolled me onto my back, and when he looked at my face, the concern morphed into fury.

“What happened? Was this Lucifer?” He asked, and he touched my bruised face. I turned away, but he grabbed my hair. “Gabriel, look at me.”

I took a breath, and I knew what I had to do. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t not do it. “It’s fine, Crowley. Leave me alone.”

“What? Gabriel, I can’t—“

“Do you not hear me? I want you to leave.”

“Gabriel, love, you can’t be serious! Let me help you!”

“Maybe you should’ve thought of that before you hurt my brother like that, Crowley. I’m fine. Get out.”

Crowley started looking mad, and I struggled not to start crying again. “Gabriel, you will regret this. You know I’m better than your brother; don’t make me leave, not now. You’ll regret it; I swear you’ll regret it.”

“Get the fuck out of my room, Crowley, now.” He did as I asked, and he left.

I stayed on my floor alone for the rest of that night, realizing that I was just a broken fly in a world full of beautiful birds. I was just there for them to laugh at and occasionally pick at when they wanted to see the useless thing cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here comes more angst for about six more chapters, and then we get to go back to more upbeat stuff, don't worry. Thanks for sticking around for forty chapters, you guys. We're almost to the end of this monstrosity, only like twenty five chapters left.


	42. I Am Deprived of My Only Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, Gabriel has violent mood swings in these next couple chapters but it evens out into a solid mood. Five chapters from now, things get happy again, I swear.

Wednesday, 2/19/14

I’m going to start this off with saying that I’m so tired that I’m seeing double of everything. Lucifer is laughing at me, but not my brother, the other one. My brother doesn’t speak to me, but the other Lucifer only likes to talk to me. I’ve gotten used to his presence. I’ve even started to like his morbid sense of humor. He’s telling me that of course I’m seeing double, I’m delusional, and therefore shouldn’t expect anything else. I mean, I agree. I agree with my hallucination, how funny. Or sad, I don’t know which.

So I’ve spent the last couple days wandering aimlessly and avoiding class while my face and other injuries healed completely. I have a pretty good knowledge of make up, so had I wanted to, I could cover it up, but I didn’t. My professors are starting to bitch at me about all the work I’m missing, though. I mean, I couldn’t care less, but Dad’ll probably be getting pissed.

So I went to see the unicorns the other day, and now that the little one has been getting older and bigger, we’re almost done with the practical studies on them, which means they won’t be here for much longer. I have to say, I’m disappointed. I love unicorns; they’re beautiful in a way that’s hard to describe. I can’t really find a way to write about it, since I sat here for about ten minutes and couldn’t come up with anything, but let it suffice to say that they’re the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen, other than a certain boy-who-must-not-be-named’s eyes.

Anyway, unicorns. The mom has grown to tolerate me, but she seemed unhappy when I came the other day. They both did, really. They just kind of got finicky and skittish. I didn’t spend long there, because they kept trying to kick me, but I took a bunch of pictures of them and sent them to my dad. I think he liked them, because he sent me pictures of Meg’s and Ruby’s drawings of the pictures that I took. It was sweet to see my little sisters’ art. I miss them. I miss all of my family. Or maybe I just miss having one that functioned.

Elsa has been bothering me even more lately, too. She shows up whenever I go outside now, just so she can sit on my head. It’s really annoying, actually, and it hurts, but I’m still kind of gloating that Elsa likes me better than her own owner. I mean, that doesn’t make up for how bad it hurts when she lands on my head, but it’s still something nice for me. My own pet hides around my room, which is good because I’d worry otherwise. The other kids in school really aren’t the nicest, and I worry about what they’d do sometimes. I don’t know if they’d hurt my cat, but better safe than sorry.

Oh yeah, we had a Quidditch game today. It was Gryffindor against Hufflepuff, and it was actually warmish for a February day, which was nice, I guess. Or, it would’ve been nice, if Gryffindor hadn’t utterly sucked. I saw Dean for the first time in a while, though, and he kind of sucked, too. He didn’t do his job, and he seemed frustrated with everything. I wish I could’ve helped, but I sat off to the side by myself in a corner where no one could see me and tried to be as small as possible. Besides, why would he want my help? He hates me.

You know what’s a really nice place that I never go to? The Astronomy Tower. I only really went up there the other day because I was curious. I heard someone talking about how the old headmaster died, so I went up to see it. It’s really a long drop. It looks like falling off would really hurt. Would you have a heart attack before you hit, or would you die as you hit the ground? Or would you survive? Probably not; I mean it looks like several hundred feet. I kind of wonder if anyone has ever jumped off of there before… But it is really pretty up there; the stars are all really bright.

I mean, I haven’t actually spent time looking at the stars in years; I think the last time was before the divorce. I remember that night really well, even though I was little, because it was on our birthday, but me and Lucifer were up way late and our parents had been arguing, so we snuck outside. He sat me down, and since Lucifer was always the more involved one when we went to muggle school, so he knew all the names of a bunch of stars, so he pointed them out to me and told me the stories behind the constellations. I never really knew how he knew those, since we went to the same school for most of our childhood and I had never learned them, but he did. I remember we woke up the next morning freezing because we fell asleep outside and our parents forgot about us. We laughed then. Oh God, what happened to us? What happened to my family?

On the other hand, or maybe not, actually, Crowley still hasn’t said anything to me. I miss him, but nobody is allowed to hurt my brother like that, no matter how bad Lucifer is to me. He can’t filter his actions, and he takes his anger out on me, but Lucifer is just damaged, like me. I know he can get better. I have to have faith that he can, or I wouldn’t be able to live through him. Granted, I barely am, even now, but it would be worse then.

What I mean by the title is that I’m lonely again. Crowley probably won’t talk to me again, and Lucifer is giving me the silent treatment too. I’m spending my time wandering and screwing around on the internet. And eating. I eat a lot. I do my homework, if I go to class, which I hardly ever do, so it doesn’t count. It’s not like I have much better to do, since I don’t sleep. I’ve given up on sleeping potions, for now, since it’s pointless anyway. There’s nothing but nightmares and sadness waiting when I sleep, so why would I do that? I don’t. Even if I wanted to, I can’t without a sleeping potion or whatever. I used to be able to nap, but now I can’t even nap. I’m so tired I’m not tired. Isn’t that ironic?  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a meh chapter. I don't like it, but at least we're almost to the part where I know what I'm doing. Finally.


	43. Prince Friedrick Carl of Prussia Died on His Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I actually like this chapter; what a miracle! Anyway, I've been having a really long, long week, so forgive me if some of the chapters coming up are a little bleh.

Monday, 2/24/14

And yes, in case you're wondering, I looked that up. No way I knew that off the top of my head, but the guy was pretty cool, I guess, and I've seen enough anime stuff on the internet to know what Prussia is, or was. I wonder when the people that lived there stopped thinking of themselves as Prussian? Was it immediate, or did it take a long time? I have no clue; my brother taught me history that he learned from who knows where, so I'm willing to bet my entire muggle education is a piece of crap. Well, that's not the point.

The real point here is that today was my birthday. I spent the whole day up in the Room of Requirement, as a present to myself. I mean, I did go down and turn in all my homework and get some new stuff after dinner, but I wasn't actually in class, so therefore I skipped. My grades are evening out, which is great. They aren't fantastic grades, but I understand the material and crap; I just can't do the homework. I do fine on all the tests! I don't get why all my teachers give me such bad grades if I get everything they're saying.

Back to the point, I spent a lot of my day trying to convince my dad to let me quit school. He was surprisingly strong about it, infuriatingly enough. He said no, even though he said he was worried about me or some bullshit. If I were Lucifer, he would've said yes. How worried can he be if he won't let me leave? You can't miss school, Gabriel; school is important, Gabriel. How important can school be if it's giving me health disorders? I don’t understand my dad sometimes. He says I’m important to him and that I matter, but who could someone like me possibly matter to? Not Dad, that’s for sure. I just wish I could get homeschooled, but Dad doesn’t like teaching and isn’t good at it anyway.

I’ve been talking to Loki a lot, too, and right now he’s living with some genius American in the other guy’s motel room in Switzerland. I think he’s a little nuts to be going around living with strangers, but hey, who am I to judge? I’m practically insane. I mean, if he has internet connection, that’s all I care about. Wait, that came out wrong. I wish I didn’t write in pen, but I do care about his wellbeing. It’s just that I want to be able to talk to him!

He told me he was sorry that my birthday sucked, and he promised to send me gifts, even though I told him not to. I gave him my dad’s address, but Dad knows to send it on to me if it comes. At least, I think he does. Loki tends to be kind of weird, so I wonder what he’s going to send. It’s a sweet gesture, though. No one here, save for Lucifer, actually knew it was my birthday today, and Lucifer only acknowledges me when he’s mad and wants to take out his anger.

Actually, someone knew it was my birthday, but I don’t know who. I woke up to two dozen roses and a box of chocolates, which was very sweet, no matter who did it. I’m a sucker for romance, and I mean, there’s not much more romantic than flowers and chocolate. At least not to me. I did have to hide the presents though, because Lucifer probably would’ve killed the flowers and Deanie wanted the chocolate really bad. It’s so hard to say no to my cat; I mean seriously, her puppy dog face is perfect!

Technically, Lucifer got an anonymous present, too, but we all know that it was from Michael. They’re still pissed at each other, but everyone can tell that they miss being a couple. Michael got him roses, too, but Lucifer’s were white. And he also got my brother diamond earrings. I don’t think I ever mentioned that Lucifer and I both have our ears pierced and wear earrings, but we do. Personally, I love them, and I know Lucifer does too, so he was really happy to get them. Now I think he feels bad for not getting Michael something for Valentine’s Day, but to defend my twin, they were pretty pissed at each other at the time.

I know now that Crowley was right. I do regret kicking him out of my room, but he’s being petty and I hope he knows it. Maybe he doesn’t know how often I think about how easy it would be to end things, but he’s set everyone in my house thinking I’m some cheap whore who’ll fuck anyone and anything for money. I mean, I’ve been propositioned more times in the past week than I’d ever been in my life before I came here. I’m upset, honestly. I love Crowley, I really do. He was my best friend and I really can’t believe he did this to me. I can’t help but wonder if he ever really cared in the first place. Can we ever move past this? Will I have the opportunity? Or will I break first?

God, I hate depressing things. I’m sorry for that. On the other hand, I get to play a lot of fun pranks. Basically, if someone says something bad to me, my rule is that I can play whatever prank I want on them. Then I get to laugh when they wake up with a bald spot or four, or maybe with all of their books and homework mysteriously destroyed. It’s seriously great; a couple of them have cried. One girl even shaved her head to be more beautiful. I doubt she could be really pretty if she tried.

Hold on, someone’s actually coming in here, and I thought that was impossible.

So that was McGonagall. Apparently she has the magic ability to come into the Room of Requirement regardless of who’s in it at the time, and she seems to have figured out that it’s my hiding place. Needless to say, we were both pissed. She was mad because I wasn’t supposed to be in there way past my curfew and someone was worried about me. I was mad because she won’t tell me who it was that was ‘worried’ when they were probably just waiting for me to come out to beat the shit out of me, and also that she kicked me out of the damn room! I mean, it’s there to be used, isn’t it? I hate teachers.

Speaking of, she gathered up all of my teachers and made them all talk to me like I was five and incapable of taking care of myself. They all talked about how I needed to do better in class and that if I’m having a problem I can always come to them, or something like that. It’s all bullshit. This coming from the teachers whose favorite hobbies are trying to make me look stupider than I actually am in the middle of class. All of them say I’m failing, which is true, but I don’t know why! I know all the material! They say I’m being a bully and hurting kids, but I only do it because they’re hurting me! I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong, so why won’t anyone tell me?

Whatever. It doesn’t really matter. As long as I do well on my NEWTS, which I will, the actual class doesn’t matter.

And so I’m being stalked again. I’ll be right back.

Sam and Cas were apparently the ones who called McGonagall on me, which sucks because I liked Sam a little and now I have to be pissed at him because he ratted out my hiding spot and I can’t use it anymore. They were the ones following me in the hall, and they both insisted that they just wanted me to get better, whatever that means. I don’t know the definition of better, but no matter what, I don’t want their help. They wouldn’t understand. It’s like I’m skydiving, except it’s night and I can’t see anything except for a couple lights somewhere way far below, but I’m trying to get back to the plane I jumped from. Everyone else around has wings and can fly back up from their lows, but I just keep crashing down through the warning signs and the ground is getting closer and I can’t breathe and why can’t anyone help me?  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the other hand, I finished my last orchestra concert today, and I did very well! Keeping you guys updated on my life since now! Anyway, hope you enjoyed, and see you in three days.


	44. Sam Winchester is a Saint

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I just wrote a good chapter, so I wish I could post it, but no. Have this instead. I feel like I just posted a chapter... I didn't though, did I?

Friday, 2/28/14

Sam Winchester is seriously amazing. If he didn’t have a girlfriend and if I wasn’t ridiculously attracted to his brother I would want to date him so bad. I mean, not only is the kid tall, which is totally delicious by the way, he’s also super sweet and so nice to someone undeserving like me. But we’ll get to Sam later.

Today, a bunch of stuff from Loki and my sisters came in the mail. Lucifer got expensive gifts, as per usual, and the girls got me a bunch of English candy, which was great. And by a bunch, I mean a bunch. They got me a whole big box full of it! Loki was really sweet and got me a bunch of new books and movies and shit, and he even bought me Frozen because I ranted about it so much! I made sure to call him and tell him I got the stuff and thank him profusely, but I’m really surprised it made it here so fast. Express owl delivery service, I guess.

Going back to Sam, he kind of caught me talking to Lucifer… Not the real one, the other one. It’s really hard to differentiate between them in my head unless they’re talking, then there’s a huge difference. But yeah, I was sitting in the hallway somewhere, and Lucifer was talking to me about how annoying he found my whining and telling me that I should just spend the day laying around. I was just asking him why I would do that when it’d be super boring when Sam walked in on me. Lucifer burst out laughing at the look on my face and I accidentally told him to shut up, out loud, and Sam was really confused because he hadn’t said anything.

It sucked; I was damn awkward and I had to tell the moose that I was talking to my imaginary friend, which he obviously didn’t believe at all. Sam isn’t that stupid; not like my brother, who would’ve believed me and then made fun of me for it. He didn’t even fall for it for a second, because he fucking slapped me so hard I fell backwards. He then proceeded to yell at me in the middle of the hall for not telling anyone that I was hallucinating people and talking to them.

I wasn’t mad, though. I mean, I was a little annoyed at being slapped, but I was really happy that he noticed and cared, you know? He sat with me in the hallway, and whenever my attention drifted, he got my attention again. I didn’t even think about the hallucinations for a little, and that was good.

After the stupid, pointless conversation, he did ask about the hallucinations and what I see. I was scared to tell him, so I didn’t tell the truth, and I feel sick about it. I told him it was just people I didn’t know and had never seen before, and that they talked to me about how awful their lives are compared to mine. It’s hard being so scared to admit that I have problems. I know it isn’t even that bad for me, and I know that I could get over it if I tried, but I can’t make myself try. Maybe that’s the problem. I have no motivation to get better, because I don’t feel like I should get better. I don’t deserve it.

Back to the point, Sam spent the whole day hanging out with me yesterday, and he kept me from speaking to Lucifer the whole day, just by occupying me and encouraging me and it felt so, so good to be the center of attention for once. Since everyone else here hates me, it’s really nice to be paid attention to.

…Something happened today, which is kind of why I wanted to write. I don’t want to say anything, but it’s scaring me. I mentioned the Astronomy Tower last time I wrote, I think, didn’t I? Well, I mentioned it. Lucifer took me up there today. What I mean is that he walked me up there, telling me the whole time that it was okay and that he wasn’t going to hurt me. When we actually got up to the top, he was gentle for the first time since he showed up, but… He told me to jump off. Off the Astronomy Tower. I was so, so scared. I read somewhere that hallucinations are just an extension of your inner thoughts. If that’s true, my inner thoughts told me to jump off a building.

It’s hard to even write about because it was terrifying. I started crying, for God’s sake, and Lucifer comforted me. He told me it was okay, but how could committing suicide possibly be okay? He was so nice, though. I mean, he told me that I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore, and that it would all be over. It was so different from how he normally was that I even thought about it. God, I thought about ending my own life, like I seriously considered it. I’m glad I didn’t do it, but what happens when he asks a second time? Or a third? Will I keep being strong enough to say no to him?

I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. I will be. Maybe the more I say it, the more I’ll believe it.

On to a completely different topic, I’m eighteen years old and I have done nothing with my life. In fact, I’m a suicidal teenager. Fun. My life is a mess, isn’t it? I talk to people that aren’t there, and I don’t have any friends, other than maybe one or two, and I hardly see them. Is this living? Or something else? Because I don’t feel like I’m living. I’m having an existential crisis again, oh my God. This happens surprisingly often, unfortunately, but I’ll get over it soon, hopefully. I’m going to hug my cat and try and get some sleep.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, the good chapter is forty seven, so look forward to that! Hope you can deal with this crap in the meantime!


	45. I'm Tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter sucks. I remember writing it and thinking that, too. Ew. At least ch. forty eight will be decent.

Tuesday, 3/4/14 

I don’t really know what I’m doing right now, other than laying around in the Hospital Wing. I checked myself in two nights ago, when I was told that I was screaming in my sleep by a very annoyed Lucifer. Apparently, according to Madame Pomfrey, I’ve been whimpering, but I haven’t started screaming again. I mean, that’s supposed to be good, but I can’t help but think that I’m getting worse. I don’t even know why. I just really want to sleep, which is great because I get sleeping draughts in the Hospital Wing. What if I get addicted to sleeping draughts? That would suck.

I’ve just been feeling really upset lately, which also sucks. It’s getting better in that respect, because now I have a little bit of company in Sam, but really I think I’m just lonely. But the thing is, nobody will come near me. Lucifer and Crowley have taken care of that, believe me. I don’t understand how people’s minds can change so fast. You can’t love someone one day and hate them the next, so I don’t understand how they can be so cruel to me. I still love them both, so why can’t they just make up, or get over it?

It’s really frustrating with those two in my life, but I don’t want them gone, either. I just want things to be less complicated, for Crowley to tell everyone to stop and for Lucifer to hug me instead of punching me. Is that too much to ask? I wish I knew, but for now, neither is happening. They’ve been pulling at my rational thought and shoving me around like I’m some sort of doll. I do see remorse in Lucifer, though, because at night, he patches me up and leaves me candy and sweets. My twin is so messed up and I just want to help him, but he won’t let me. Emotions are so hard for him to deal with.

When we were kids, I always looked up to Lucifer. He went to some special muggle school for kids with behavioral problems for a couple years, and he learned a bunch of things that I didn’t know. He taught me how to patch myself up when I was scraped up and how to deal with bullies, but he never taught me what to do when it was someone else that needed help. He won’t let me in, and I know it sounds messed up considering how much he’s done to me, but I just want to help him for once, to make up for when he took care of me.

My family is so dysfunctional… I miss those childhood days. I guess I’m just thinking that if I can change my brother’s mind, we won’t have to do this anymore. We won’t have to hurt each other like this.

Sam and Cas just came in, actually, which was surprising. Say hi to Sam and Cas! Hi Gabe’s journal! Hello.

Well, I never said Castiel was really interesting. Sam has insisted on calling me Gabe instead of Gabriel, which is kind of weird because nobody’s ever been close enough to me to give me a nickname, really. I like it; it makes me feel more unique.

Anyway, they’re sitting around worrying and stuff, and it’s really funny. Sam is reading over my shoulder as he braids my hair and I wrote, and Cas is setting up a couple laptops for us to screw around with. I WANT TO LICK SAM WINCHESTER!

Okay, I’m really sorry about that, but Sam was reading over my shoulder and I wanted him to go away. I mean, it was fucking hilarious to see him get up and sprint across the room, and I died laughing, so it was worth it. Sam flipped me off, though, and ranted about how I am totally nasty. It was the most I’ve laughed in days.

This is the weirdest, most random entry I’ve had in forever. My emotions are going everywhere, and I’m a little crazy. Sam, Cas and I played computer games for a while, but they have homework, so they just left. Sam is like a brother to me. He hugged me before he left, and told me to take care of myself and that he appreciates me, so now I’m crying and I think it’s actually because I’m happy. It feels so good to cry. Oh fuck fuck fuck hold on.

JESUS CHRIST. I can’t get a moment of break, can I? So I was sobbing about the above, and I just happened to look up. I just… God damnit. Dean. Dean Winchester was standing in the doorway. He just coughed really awkwardly and asked if I was okay, which I told him I was, and he said he was glad and left. Seriously awkward. I mean, the last time we spoke it was when we slept together almost two months ago. I miss talking to him, because his sense of humor and sweetness were amazing, but I get why he doesn’t want to now that I’m a freak who can’t even go a day without being super weird. I’m sure I’ll get over him… Eventually. When I’m eighty.

And you’d think I could get over him, considering we don’t really talk anymore, but I guess the saying ‘Absence make the heart grow fonder’ is true after all, because my heart hurts when I look at him, or when he smiles at Cas in the Great Hall, or when I hear him talking and laughing with his friends like I never even existed, which, to be fair, is probably true. I never even existed for him, but I still can’t get over him. This is unhealthy, but then again, what in my life isn’t right now?

God, this is the weirdest entry. Sam and Cas interrupted, Dean walked in on me crying, and I fell asleep in the middle. Wow. Well, I’m awake now, I guess, and I do feel better after that nap, and I took a natural nap. That’s a step in the right direction. Oh, fantastic; Lucifer is back. He told me that he says hello, but something’s different. He’s not actually smiling.

…He said that it’s okay, and when I asked him what, he just pointed at a cabinet. I’m debating getting up, now that he’s gone again. Lucifer’s been doing that lately, popping up for a minute and then disappearing. Curiosity is getting the better of me… Okay, I’m getting up, hold up again.

Oh my god, oh my god, I’m scared! What the hell is wrong with my subconscious? I don’t want to die! I don’t, so why does Lucifer keep telling me it’s okay? I don’t need this information; I’m not going to commit suicide. I don’t need to know where the poisons are stored, why would I? What am I doing? What is even going on in my head? I’m so screwed up. I’m so screwed up.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this is a nasty ass chapter. It's really, really bad, but I'm almost done with all my school projects and stuff- we start our exam review the week after next. After that, I'm home free, pretty much, and that means better chapters.


	46. Castiel Had a Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so late! I kept falling asleep writing the chapter I just finished! Either way, have Cas's birthday. It's super boring. And super short. Ugh.

Thursday, 3/13/14

I think Cas is seventeen now, and I know I asked him earlier today, but I can’t remember right now. I’ve been sleeping lately, so I’ve reached this point where I’m always about to fall asleep. Seriously! I mean, I’ve napped more in the last couple days than I have in weeks. Yesterday, I didn’t even wake up. Waking up this morning was weird though, since Madame Pomfrey had to tell me that I slept a day away, I still had to stay in the Hospital Wing, and that Cas and the crew would be coming to visit. I just kind of yawned and nodded through her whole speech.

When Cas showed up with Michael, Sam, and Dean, I was way underdressed, and by underdressed I mean I was wearing sweatpants and that was it. They all laughed, but Michael and Dean avoided me like the plague, as expected. Sam kept me company while the others squabbled over cake and a spot at the Xbox. It only had two controllers, so Sam and I hung back and worked on homework. I only managed to do one class’s worth before I couldn’t focus on that, so Sam talked to me about what was going on in school. Apparently, there are so many rumors about what’s going on with me that it’s impossible to keep track of them all! That’s great. That’s just great.

I think they all just felt obligated to come see me because I’m the poor kid that’s sad all the time or whatever. They had fun, I guess, but they spent the whole time playing video games and Sam got awkward when we started talking about school so I shut up and let them have fun. Without me. I still feel so painfully unnecessary, but I’m trying. I don’t think they even realize that they made me feel worse, but I’m not gonna blame them. They’re all so nice to me and I don’t deserve it, so I’m not going to judge them for making an attempt.

Maybe I should’ve gotten Cas a birthday present. Since I had no idea it was even his birthday, I didn’t have time to get him anything, and now I feel bad. Cas said it was okay, but it wasn’t. He came out and spent his birthday sitting in the hospital wing when I didn’t even ask and I don’t know why. Does he think I’m stupid? Or does he pity me? I can’t tell which yet, but I can’t help but hope that it’s neither, and that they all really do like me. It’s hard. Some days, I feel like they’re my friends and that they like me and enjoy my company but some days I feel like they hang out with me because they think it’s funny and they think I’m a joke. It’s hard to explain. I mean, what I’m trying to say is that if I got Castiel a gift, I’d feel less like I was a freeloader and more like his friend. That probably doesn’t make sense. Hell, I don’t even make sense to myself most of the time anymore.

The party, if you can call it that, was pretty fun though. I got to watch Michael scream at Dean for ending his kill streak, and I laughed my ass off when Cas, of all people, beat Sam at Mario Kart. It’s so weird seeing Cas playing video games, because unlike his brother, he stays perfectly composed no matter what he’s playing. Michael and Dean start yelling at each other when they play anything at all, so I was amused. Plus, Cas brought cake! I ate like four slices, and I mean, I was embarrassed, but it was good cake! It’s weird, because during the party, I was having fun, but now that it’s over, I can’t stop worrying about it. Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten so much cake.

I feel like I’m being watched. Again. Lucifer isn’t here, though, and I don’t know where the hell he went! He used to be around almost every day, just to bother me and be a general pest, but he’s disappeared. I know he’s watching me, but he won’t come out and it’s infuriating. He’s been gone for more than a week. More than a week! I don’t understand; I’m craving his company, which is sick in about a thousand ways, but… I have no one else most of the time, so even a hallucination is better than nothing. I just don’t get him and what goes through his head. Or is it my head? I don’t even understand anymore.

I guess my problem is that I’m lonely even when I have friends around. I don’t feel appreciated. And maybe I am, maybe I’m not, but I feel like I’m not, and I think that’s what matters to my head right now. I want to get better, but it’s looking farther and farther away instead of closer. I’m scared that I won’t get better, and I know I say that every time, but I’m really, really scared of dying. I don’t know what’s out there, but I think that if I did, I’d be less afraid of how this whole thing could end.

I’m sorry this is so short. I’ve been sleeping the week away, and the only other things I really did were talking to my other hallucinations and doing homework. I’m gonna go sleep some more, I guess.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the good one! At least most of the ones coming up are pretty good.


	47. Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry that this is late! I've been swamped with projects and stuff! But it's my birthday this Friday, so I'm looking forward to that, and all my schoolwork is done! I should be back on schedule pretty soon. Anyway, I really like this chapter, and I hope you will too!

Monday, 3/17/14

I broke. Yep, I finally broke down. And you know something? It feels good. It feels more than good; it feels fucking amazing. I feel better than I have in a month! I mean, I don’t feel all the way better, but it’s definitely a start.

Right now, I’m sitting around watching Disney movies with… Well, with just about everyone. Dean, Cas, Sam, Michael, Charlie, my sisters… Everyone’s here except for Lucifer, who’s getting yelled at in the background. Somehow I get the feeling we’re going to family therapy after this whole shindig. Well, we would, if I were staying in Britain, but I’m not, and I don’t think you can do therapy over video chat. Can you? Oh my God, now I want to know! Why does my brain come up with pointless questions? Why?

Maybe I should actually talk about what happened instead of avoiding the subject because it was embarrassing… Just maybe? I don’t really want to talk about it, because honestly, I was really scared, and I thought that I was going to die for a little while. I mean, it’s great that I’m okay for now, but I was going to stab myself if it continued. It was just really lucky that Dean and Castiel happened to walk by, I guess.

So what happened started with lunch. I was sitting around eating some candy in my room, since I was let out of the Hospital Wing two days ago, and this all went down yesterday. Anyway, I was eating candy, and Lucifer showed back up. For a second, I was really happy, because as I said a couple days ago, I felt like he was watching me instead of actually talking to me, and it was getting creepy. I was gonna ask him why he hadn’t been hanging around me lately, when he called me fat.

I should probably clarify that this is not my brother we’re talking about. My twin ignores me. This is the hallucination of Lucifer.

Anyway. He called me fat, which was surprising, because I really don’t care that I’m chubbier. I like it, in fact, so it was like the lamest insult he’s every used on me. I laughed for a second, and then he started talking about how it was because I was so fat that nobody liked me. I mean, my worst fear is being disliked, and while that’s already become a reality in so many ways, it wasn’t something that I was emotionally prepared to handle, so I walked away. Or, I would’ve, if Lucifer wasn’t a hallucination that followed me everywhere.

He started laughing at me when I grabbed a knife from my dresser, or it might’ve been because I was shaking so badly I almost dropped it. I’m ashamed to say it, but I kept it there if I ever wanted to follow through. Lucifer’d been almost nice--or if not nice, gentle--before, so I was so confused as to why he was doing that to me. I was so upset and so miserable that I was ready to die.

Lucifer just kept telling me that it was pointless to even try because no one in the whole world would ever appreciate me or like me because I was just this fat, ugly thing for him to play with when he got bored, and I listened. I took every word he said and listened to it and believed it. By the time he was done with that topic, I was sitting with my back to the wall in some barely used hallway with my head buried in my hands, while Lucifer screamed at me to just do it already; just end your life! I almost did, too; I was crying and trying to shut him out, but I couldn’t. He just kept screaming at me.

Lucifer screamed so much that I didn’t hear Dean and Cas show up. I was crying and mumbling for him to shut up and leave me alone when I actually realized that there were people next to me. I looked up at them, and conveniently forgot that there was a knife on my lap that was then in full view of both Dean and Castiel. Immediately, Cas left to go get Madame Pomfrey, and Dean just stared at me. A fresh wave of tears started up and I started mumbling again, and that’s when Dean dropped to the floor with me. He pried the knife from me, picked me up and held me there while I sobbed and begged for Lucifer to leave me alone.

It took me five minutes to stop crying enough to speak, and I started babbling about all the secrets I’ve ever had and never told, except one. I told Dean that one time, when I was twelve, I ran away from home during the summer because I was trying to go out to see my dad and brother. I made it for a week when I collapsed and would’ve died if it hadn’t been for a complete stranger taking me in and feeding me and giving me water. I told my parents that I was kidnapped and left on the side of the road, and that person found me. Mom and Zach believed me, and I got an innocent man that I’d never seen before arrested.

I told him that my brother abuses me. I told him how when I was younger, my brother shoved me down the stairs and almost killed me. I told him how after the fight a couple days ago he beat the shit out of me, and how at fourteen, Lucifer broke all of his knuckles on my face, which nearly broke my jaw. Dean was horrified. He held me tighter after that, and he looked at me like I was important, which made me keep rambling.

I told him that I hate myself, and he didn’t let me keep talking on that one. Dean Winchester, who I thought hated me, started listing off every good thing about me that he could think of, and I let him and I listened and started shutting Lucifer out and paying attention to what Dean thought of me instead. Maybe all I needed in the first place was someone to tell me I was wrong.

Cas showed back up with Madame Pomfrey, Michael, and Sam, and Dean just scooped me up and walked over with them, mumbling something I didn’t really catch because I was crying too much.

As we walked, I told him about the hallucinations, and how they started with people getting stabbed, and then Lucifer actually started talking to me, and then he kept trying to make me kill myself and he almost won. Everyone was upset at that, but then I told them that I’d thought about suicide before, and everyone was telling me to shut up and that that was awful and how they all wanted me around and how much they all loved me.

By the time we made it to the actual Hospital Wing, we had a whole entourage of kids following behind us wondering what was going on. Michael, in no uncertain terms, told them to fuck off.

Lucifer didn’t even come see me until today, and I mean the real one.

Though, now that I’m conscious and coherent, I’m glad I didn’t tell Dean my last secret, because I told so many more than just these. I never told him I love him. But it’s better that way. He doesn’t need that now, and I couldn’t handle the rejection. I’m trying to tell myself that I’m okay with just friendship, but I know I’m not. Oh well, I guess. There’s nothing I can do about it except get over him. I’m never going to see him again after this year, anyway.

Yesterday, I spent the whole night sleeping cuddled up to my cat. She’s always around me; I think it’s because she’s worried. I love her, though, and I like cuddling with her, so I was okay last night while everyone else got informed of my mental break down.

Today, it’s a new day. I’m feeling more okay than I have in forever, and my dad and sisters came out as soon as they heard that I was having legitimate mental problems. My mom sent her love and regards, but she’s still on a business trip in Germany, so she couldn’t come out.

Like I said, I’m sitting around watching Disney movies, but I’m barely paying attention. I’ve seen The Princess and the Frog a billion times, and even if I like it, I wanted to write. I just needed to get this down, because it was so hard for me. I seriously thought I was going to stab myself, and I would’ve, if it hadn’t been for Dean and Cas. I owe them my life now, and that’s something I can never really repay.

Lucifer is being yelled at by my dad, because someone told him what Lucifer’s done to me. I can’t believe my brother didn’t even come to see me until today! I haven’t even seen him anyway, because by the time he showed—after dinner—my dad was already there and he immediately took him out to berate him for it. I can’t help but feel a little smug; I mean, he deserves it! He deserves worse than being yelled at, but I’ll be content with him getting screamed at.

All in all, I’m okay. I’m good. And I’m happy. Goodnight! Nothing can ruin my mood tonight; I won’t let it.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've also finally got a good idea for what to write next, and it's frustrating because I want to start on it! Oh well, I guess, I'll get there. I hope you all liked the chapter, and see you all tomorrow, hopefully.


	48. Things Fix Themselves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, sorry I'm late! I've been having a hard time keeping up with things, but school's almost over, so I'll have more time to write and finish this up! We're almost done, guys!

Saturday, 3/22/14

I’m in the Hospital Wing again. But hey, for the first time in foreverrrrrrrrrrrr… I’m sorry about the Frozen quotes, but I mean seriously, for the first time in forever, I’m not here for me. Lucifer actually took a really bad fall today, and I’m not talking something like tripping down the stairs, I mean he fell off his broom during Quidditch practice.

He was out flying by himself, but I was sitting off on the sidelines, watching him whack bludgers around. I looked down for just a second, and when I looked up, he was falling. I have absolutely no idea what happened, but I do know that I am a dumbass, because I left my wand in my room and could do nothing but scream and run all the way down the stands. When I got down there, Michael was already there, checking over him and FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. He seriously looked like he was going to cry, the idiot, and he carried my brother all the way to the Hospital Wing.

Michael held Luci’s hand the whole time he was out; not even Madame Pomfrey could get rid of him. It was really sweet, especially since I was worried that the person my brother has fallen in love with didn’t like him anymore, but I know I was wrong. Michael adores Lucifer like the moon loves the stars.

When he woke up, Lucifer started to cry for no apparent reason. I think he must’ve just been overwhelmed, but he started to apologize over and over and just wouldn’t stop crying. Michael just held his hand and stroked his cheeks and it was so sweet that I felt like a third wheel. I was, obviously, a third wheel, but it felt like a privilege to be able to see. My brother is hardly ever vulnerable enough to cry, especially around someone who isn’t family.

When he finally stopped crying, we all had a group hug, and Lucifer kissed both of our cheeks and told us that he missed us and wanted things to go back to how they were. Michael and I agreed. I think we both missed Lucifer. I mean, for completely different reasons, but we both missed him. We’re okay now, though. Michael stayed with Luci to get some private time, and I took off back to the dorms by myself. Walking around by myself isn’t a problem anymore, since everyone has heard about my breakdown. They’re all leaving me alone, I guess. I mean, I’m grateful, but it’s weird. I didn’t know people could be nice, but that might have something to do with Crowley.

Crowley came to see me while I was still in the Hospital Wing. It was really, really awkward. I mean really awkward. We were both really quiet, and he didn’t even ask why I was there. He just asked if it was okay for him to hug me, and I told him yeah. He hugged me for a minute, and then asked if we could be friends again, and I told him no. I think he was surprised, and more than a little hurt, which made me feel pretty bad, but what was I supposed to say? Sure Crowley, you can just come right back into my life after setting everyone against me and tricking them into thinking I’m a whore and insulting my brother and breaking up his relationship? Because that’s not going to happen yet. I told him he has to tell the whole school that everything he told them about me was lies and he had to apologize to them before I’d even think about it. Surprisingly enough, he said he’d do it. For a man who values his pride so much, I didn’t think he’d accept so easily. If at all.

Crowley left after that, and I haven’t spoken to him since. That was four days ago, so I have no idea what he’s been up to. Maybe he decided I wasn’t worth it. I wouldn’t blame him, honestly.

No, Gabriel. Shut up. I’m worth like ten of an ass like Crowley; it’s not my fault if he doesn’t want to be around me. It’s his. I know it.

Anyway, in more important news, I’ve started spending an hour a day just laying around. Seriously. I spend an entire hour of every single day laying on my bed, not moving. Lucifer thinks I’m weird, but eh. It actually helps me clear my mind and stop thinking of my hallucinations and stuff. Speaking of, my hallucinations? They’re gone. Since my breakdown, they haven’t come back. Madame Pomfrey says it’s because I’m sleeping regularly, and I’m really happy with that. I mean, it’s still hard to look Lucifer in the face after that. I think I might be traumatized from it. Most people don’t know how scary it is to be tormented and tortured, emotionally and physically, by your brother, especially not every single day. To those of you who do understand, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry.

My classes have been going okay, too. I have so much work to make up; it’s unreal. I had no idea how much crap I missed, and how much I wasn’t doing right at all. I mean, my work looked like a delusional person had done it; it was all wrong. I guess a delusional person did do it, but still. I thought I was perfectly okay, but I was so wrong. It really shows that I was messed up in the head. It also shows that I had no idea what I was doing at all during that period of time.

All the same, that’s changing. I have to do like six assignments per night, which sucks, but I can handle the stress now. I take it out on my pillow or by ripping things up, but I don’t think I’m gonna hurt myself or anything over it. I’ll be fine.

I talked to Mr. Malfoy in an actual conversation the other day, too. He talked to me about how his little boy’s doing, and told me he’s glad that I’m doing better. I told him about how my cat is the greatest thing ever, and how she really helped me. I told him openly about some of the things I used to see, like Lucifer stabbing various people or the creepy ass little girl that threw up blood. It was a little hard, but he told me he was proud of me for getting through it. Do you know how many people have ever told me they were proud of me? Not many. Thankfully, I didn’t cry. At least, I didn’t cry right then. I cried five minutes later, when I was back in the dorm.

Oh, hey. Look at that. I’ll be right back, but in the meantime, say hey to my brother’s soul mate.

Sweet of you to say, Gabriel. I really do hope that he feels the same way about us that you do… I really love Lucifer, I do. It’s strange for me to get attached to people as fast and as strongly as I got attached to Lucifer, but I adore him. Gabriel, I swear that I just want the best for him. That said, I want to be the best for him. Going out with your brother again would be an absolute dream, and I intend to ask him to come with me somewhere the Monday after next… I won’t say where, but I ask that you don’t tell him, because I want to surprise him.

Oh my fucking god, that’s Michael for you. He’s so sweet to my brother and then an ice cube to everyone else, but I think it’s cute that he cares so much. He always called my brother his star, which transitioned into Morning Star, since my brother is named after Lucifer. My brother loves nicknames, so he always blushed when Michael called him stuff like that… They’re obviously meant to be together.

You know, I’m doing okay. I think I’m actually getting better, which is a miracle. For a while, I thought I was going to be one of those tremendously sad teen suicide cases, but I don’t think so anymore, and I’m being honest. I’m really not trying to convince myself anymore. Maybe I just needed to let it out? Either way, I feel like I’m loved and appreciated, and even if my insecurities and shit aren’t gone, they’re going away. I feel like I’m a valid human being, at least. And that’s a far cry from what I used to think, believe me.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope you liked this chapter, because I can't remember if I liked it or not or what happened in it, really, but I wanted to tell you guys that at most we have about fifteen chapters left!


	49. Rest and Relaxation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wrote a chapter in like record time, you guys! You won't be able to tell, since I just wrote chapter fifty two and you'll be reading forty nine, but nevertheless, I'm proud! We don't have that far to go until the end of this fic! Shortly after this, we have the fifth extra, too, which I guarantee will make some of you very, very happy!

Wednesday, 3/26/14

You know something weird? Relaxing is actually harder than doing things, at least for me. I’ve been working myself down trying to catch up on classes, but no matter how tired I get, sleep never comes easy. I have to force myself to sleep, even if it’s just for an hour or so. It’s really frustrating, because I have to keep telling myself to stay in bed instead of getting up to get a snack or anything like that. At the same time, it feels good when I wake up in the morning feeling like things are gonna be at least sort of okay.

…For some reason, I feel upset at myself for this, but oh well. Crowley is back. He showed up in the middle of my lunch break yesterday, and after I slapped him for all the shit he’s done and said, especially the stuff about Dean, he told me he was sorry. He also said he apologized to the rest of the house for spreading lies about me. Apparently, there were a bunch of rumors going around about me, and he cleared those up, too. I needed to forgive him, because I really missed having a friend, and Crowley is the closest friend I’ve ever had. Plus, he really did a lot for me in the past couple of days. I think he earned my trust back. I just hope he doesn’t lose it again, because I won’t be so forgiving again.

Seriously though, I didn’t even know there were rumors about me! I asked about them, but nobody would tell me what they were, not even Sam. I mean, I’d figured they were pretty bad, but I didn’t think they’d be so bad that no one would tell me.

Back to Crowley, though. Lucifer said that he apologized to both him and Michael personally, but they aren’t really on good terms. I caught Lucifer glaring at Crowley in the hall this morning, and they don’t really interact with each other, even when they sit right next to each other in a couple classes. Michael doesn’t seem to care too much about it; he just makes sure to lavish attention on my brother and not get too close to Crowley. I still can’t shake the feeling that both Michael and Crowley are curious about what could’ve been between them, but I also don’t think that they’re ever going to do anything about it either. I mean, Michael loves my brother, that much is pretty clear, and Lucifer loves him, whether he’ll say so publically or not. Crowley, too, is smitten with a certain DADA professor, and he won’t be getting over him anytime soon, especially not since they went on a date!

Before I start on this extremely cute story, I’ll start by saying that I spent almost all of today hanging out with Crowley in between classes, since I still need to catch up on all the shit I did wrong in every single class. Crowley has been helping out with my homework and stuff, and in between, we’ve been catching up.

Back to the subject, I wrote at some point that Crowley seemed really happy on Valentine’s Day; I remember writing it. What I figured out today was that Bobby Singer took him on a date. On Valentine’s Day! That’s so cute it makes me want to punch a wall. It makes me extremely jealous, of course, but Bobby took him out for dinner in Hogsmeade and they talked and had fun and they kissed and Crowley is so over the moon happy it makes me want to vomit. So maybe I’m kind of upset that nothing really happened to me on Valentine’s Day other than the roses, but when told a story like that, I can’t help but wish it happened to me instead. I did love the roses, I just kind of wish the person had come give them to me personally.

In return, I told Crowley the details of the breakdown from the other day. He hugged me and seemed really upset; he apologized again. At the same time, he seemed like he knew something that he wasn’t telling me. I mean, I did ask, and he told me it was nothing, and if someone grew a pair, I’d learn about it soon enough. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. On that note, I have no idea who is supposed to be growing a pair here. I hope it isn’t me, because I spend my days wearing panties and cuddling my cat.

But I told him everything that’s been happening, including all the scary shit relating to my hallucinations. Crowley really was horrified, and I do wish that I’d maybe lied a little so that he wasn’t so upset. I mean, it was nice, because he spent the whole day lavishing me with attention, and the really good kind of attention, too. He now knows every little detail that he missed since he’s been off trying to ruin my reputation as thoroughly as possible.

I guess now we’re doing okay. It’s still really, really awkward between us, and we’re getting the hang of being affectionate again, but it’s all going okay. Crowley got me a really late birthday gift, which I suppose helped the getting along problem. And it was actually a sweet gift, too, which was more than I expected. He got me a handmade bouquet of woven metal flowers, which is the most beautiful thing I own. Crowley was so awkward it was cute! Apparently, he learned how to make the flowers from Bobby, who’s muggle born, so he knows stuff like that. I don’t even really know why I like it so much, but it could be a lot of things. It’s from Crowley, it’s pretty, it was cheap… It was really nice to get, especially when I was really starting to wonder how we were ever going to be friends again. Hopefully, it won’t be a problem anymore, since somehow, we always come back to each other. I mean, it could just be the universe telling us to be friends, which is what I’m betting on.

Also today, I’ve stopped playing the pranks I was doing. Today, Professor McGonagall told me that one of the couples I’d pranked for Valentine’s Day was planning to get married, and I guess that woke me up. God, I am such a douche most of the time. How can anyone seriously stand me? I don’t know, but at least I know that they like me.

Well, that’s all I’ve got. It’s late, and I’ve got a lot of sex to catch up on!  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like this chapter for no real reason, but I hoped you liked it! I have my first end-of-semester test in nine hours and twenty minutes, so wish me luck! Hopefully, with the end of the school year very soon, I'll be ale to finish this fic and move on quickly, as much as I love this one. See you all soon!


	50. The Inevitable Pity Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing really happens in this chapter, other than a little bit of humor and a cute moment near the end, but I kind of like it, for no reason. I hope you guys do too!

Monday, 3/31/14

I spent the whole of today hanging out with all of my friends, with the exceptions of Michael and Lucifer. I haven’t seen those two all day, but according to Cas, Michael took Lucifer out somewhere. Come to think of it, when Lucifer was in the hospital wing, Michael wrote something about taking Lucifer out somewhere… I really wish I knew where they were, but Michael’s room is password protected--after Dean and Cas covered his entire room with pictures of Luce, of course—so I can’t go check in there. Sam said he knew where they went, but he wouldn’t tell us where, so Dean and I agreed that he was lying.

Unfortunately, Dean and I couldn’t find them all day, so I might just get up early and try to catch my brother when he gets back to our room. I mean, he has to come back sometime; Lucifer always comes back in the morning, even when he spends the night with Michael. And I mean that in the most innocent sense of the word, too. My brother is decidedly virginal. Please, no one ever ask how I know that.

Back to the real point here, I don’t actually have much to talk about. I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to write because it helps calm me down so I don’t hallucinate. It’s worked so far, but a couple times I’ve seen my hallucination Lucifer sulking in the corner. He never says anything, and it’s really only a little unnerving. I mean, I didn’t expect that he’d be gone so fast, so it’s kind of a miracle I only see him sometimes. Madame Pomfrey says I shouldn’t be seeing the hallucinations any more, but Michael and I have talked about it. We decided that my brain probably made a habit out of making these pictures and stuff, so I keep seeing them when I get sleep deprived. I trust Michael, so that’s the story I’m going with.

This morning, I spent a lot of time running around through the school playing tag, because I couldn’t sleep last night, so Crowley and I got up really early and decided to play tag. We’re friends again, completely, which is really great. Really, really great. I mean, we got caught, but everyone is falling all over themselves to accommodate for me, so we didn’t get in trouble. It’s stuff like that that’s kind of nice, but the suck overwhelms the nice. I hate being pitied, and that’s all it is. It’s like people are saying, ‘oh look, there’s the poor depressed boy! Let’s be super nice and overly sweet and lie about everything so that he feels better!’ It helps about not at all, and it annoys me.

Unfortunately, as the title suggests, today has been a big pity party, now that my story has spread throughout the school. Now, everyone always asks me to sit with them or if I’m doing okay and I don’t know if they actually want to know or if they’re trying to make me feel better. Sam and Castiel offer to do my homework, which I need to do so I can catch up, and Lucifer lets me sit in the best back corner of the DADA class when we’re doing something boring. I’ve been asked if it was okay that someone was sad even though they were more successful than me. I mean, what the hell do I say to that?

In theory, it sounds great, but I just hate it. I feel like I’m being lied to.

I miss when I could spend my days sitting around doing whatever. I understand why I can’t; it’s just that school is so boring and it pisses me off. I’m not even that stressed, because the work is easy, but it’s the people and the sad looks and shit that really get to me. It’s annoying. Even the teachers do it! It’s insane! Professor Weasley, who has never liked me, suddenly asks if I need to talk every day after class, and it’s my job to tell her no, I’m fine, thank you. Hanging out with Professor Weasley is quite possibly my worst nightmare.

Other than that, I’ve had a good couple days. Crowley and I are closer than ever, and we spend almost every waking hour together. It’s really funny to play jokes on Lucifer and Michael, who everyone thinks are back together. I don’t actually know if it’s true or not, but they are on a date today, which everyone is taking as confirmation. Crowley and I spent the other day bleaching all of Michael’s pants, which was so funny until he nearly punched me in the face. I mean, that was still pretty funny, but it was also scary, so Crowley and I ran away after that.

My family sent letters and sweets, too, so that was cool. My mom sent a bunch of German candies, which were fucking delicious, and Anna apparently made my dad take her to France just so she could make me a ‘care package,’ which consisted of a lot of French food, some cute movies, and a bunch of new books from back in England. I seriously love my family some times. But only sometimes, because most of the time they’re annoying.

I also talked to Loki some more over the past couple days. He’s gone to America with the shady genius, so now he’s living in the guy’s house, not his motel room. I told him all about the past couple weeks and all the shit that’s gone down with my depression and stuff. For all that the guy’s an ass, he was really nice about it, and we decided that we’re going to meet up this summer, now that he’s in America. I’m really excited for that, actually! I mean, he’s one of the few people I count as a friend, so meeting him in person would be beyond cool. Shady Genius, apparently named Tony, also is excited to meet me. According to Loki, the guy’s a huge flirt. I think it’s just because Loki is seriously attractive, but whatever.

To close this up, I spent a lot of today with Sam, Dean, and Cas, but like I said, they tend to be pitying a lot of the time, so it was a little annoying to be around them. But Dean held my hand today, so I’m not complaining! We were walking around outside after dinner, the four of us, and I almost fell. When I did, he caught my hand to keep me balanced and just kind of… forgot to let go! Best moment of the whole day, hands down!

Like I said earlier, I can’t sleep. I’m curled up in bed with my cat, who’s gotten a lot bigger. Deanie is the greatest cat ever, and better yet, Dean still hasn’t figured out her name! I count that as a miracle. She’s so smart; it’s like she’s really human some times. The other day, I was upset, but I was also too lazy to get out of bed and grab tissues because I’d been crying and I needed to blow my nose, when lo and behold, Deanie brought my tissue box over! Why do I have a tissue box in my room? We all know the answer to that, and it’s not because I have a cold.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I can't believe we're at chapter fifty! That just seems like a little miracle to me, especially considering how long this fic has gotten when I originally thought it would be another fic where I never got past the first chapter! Speaking of chapters, the next one is the fifth extra, which I think you guys will like a lot, especially the Michifer fans here~. Next time I write to you guys, I'm going to have graduated Junior High School!


	51. Extra: The Most Awkward Conversation to Have With Your Brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, the long awaited extra! Michifer fans, rejoice! Sorry this is a little late, the fourth was my last day of school, and a couple of friends slept over at my house. The ending on this turned out a little weird too, but oh well! It's Lucifer's point of view, which you don't actually really know for a little while, so I thought I'd just mention it here.

I woke up far too early in the morning to pain emanating from my ass and lower back. To top that off, I was completely alone in my boyfriend’s bed, which sucked because I was freezing. Since the shower was on, I figured he was probably just in the shower, but I’d hoped he would at least stick around until I woke up. I wasn’t mad, considering that he had just given me good sex, just a little pissed that he wouldn’t wake me up or anything before he left me alone in his bed.

I stretched, winced, and stood up shakily, using Michael’s bed for support. I was tempted to join him in the shower, but considering what I was feeling at that moment, I left a note, got dressed, and stumbled back to my own room. Gabriel was still asleep when I got there.

I settled myself onto my brother’s bed for a minute, letting myself stare at his sweet face. I loved him so, so much; it was insane. I would’ve done anything to be able to control myself when I got mad, but the image of Gabriel’s bruised and bloodied face would forever be imprinted in my head. I shook it off, and I pet his hair quietly and kissed his forehead. I was happy for him, I really was, but it hurt to know that he was still friends with Crowley, and he still couldn’t look me in the eye. For good reason! He was my twin, and I hurt him, badly, but I didn’t tell the whole school he was a slut!

Standing up and shaking my head, I made my way to the bathroom and took a long shower. Sex hadn’t really been what I thought it would be, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. It felt good, but everything was a little sore from being pushed into a mattress. It was embarrassing, though, because everyone had always expected that I would know what I was doing during sex, and of course, so did Michael, so I had the fucking wonderful job of telling him that I was actually a virgin. Nevertheless, I love him. I love Michael with all of my being, and I wouldn’t have it any other way, even if it did turn out a little awkward and a lot exhausting.

I also spent a lot of time in the shower admiring the little bruises and hickeys littering my skin. I let my hands trace over the ones at my hips, but I felt a blush crawl onto my face when I remembered how I got those bruises, and I shook the image of Michael’s hands all over my skin away before I could get hard again.

I knew I was fucked the second I walked out of the shower. Gabriel was up, writing in his diary with his focused look on, and the first thing I did was limp in to the room. My brother looked up and raised an eyebrow.

“I knew there had to be a reason you never showed last night,” he mumbled, and he looked back down at his book. Scarlet engulfed my face, and I nearly made a comment about Gabriel’s own promiscuity, but I changed my mind and shut my mouth for a second.

“Gabriel,” I started before I could change my mind, “what was your first time… you know, like?”

Gabriel just laughed slightly, which was fucking rude. I glared at him, and he stopped laughing and turned away, looking hurt. It killed me. Why couldn’t I just be a good brother, for once? Maybe I just wasn’t cut out for taking care of him.

“I’m not gonna laugh at you for having sex or anything, Luce. I was laughing because I was going to ask men or women, which was totally unnecessary since, I mean, we all know it was obviously Michael. But what I’m asking you is to please stop hurting me. I’m afraid of you, okay?”

My heart dropped to my fucking stomach, and had I not been so shocked, I probably would’ve cried. I hate to cry, but when your brother is afraid of you, what the hell do you do?

“Lucifer, are you listening to me?” I nodded, still silent in an attempt to not cry. “Well, all I’m saying is that you’re my brother, and I love you, but you are a great big bag of dicks. It’s not even your fault; it’s mine. So please, talk to me about this. I want to hear about what it was like for you,” Gabriel told me, and he stood up and pulled me over to sit on his bed with him. It took me a minute to say anything, just because I was a little shocked that he even forgave me, and a little annoyed at the dicks comment, but I was happy he was even willing to try at all, so I tried to find a starting place.

“Um, well, my back hurts,” I mumbled, and Gabriel burst back into laughter. It was amazing how fast he came back from being sad. While he laughed, I leaned over and hugged him, and he went still. He leaned into my chest, and we sat together for a minute.

“I love you, Gabriel.”

“Love you too, Lucifer. Now, tell me all the juicy details! I wanna know, I wanna know!” He was practically jumping up and down; it was awkward.

“He took me out to a place that he had built when he came here; he paid for it and everything. No, I won’t tell you where or what it is, because it’s a secret. But he took me there, and he told me he loved me. And, uh…” My face was burning, and I was regretting this conversation. Gabriel still looked crestfallen because I wouldn’t tell him where Michael’s lake was.

“Go on, but you will tell me where you went.”

“No I won’t. But uh, we kissed and stuff, and we agreed that we loved each other and wanted to be together, so we left and went back to Michael’s room to… Hang out and stuff.” Gabriel stifled a giggle, and I stifled the urge to slap the smug look right off his face.

“We started talking about sex and stuff, and I told him I was a virgin, and he asked if I wanted to lose it, and I said yes,” I mumbled, staring intently at my lap. I was pretty sure my whole body was blushing, and Gabriel wasn’t helping by talking about how smooth Michael was and how cute we were and shit like that.

“Do I have to go any further?”

“Yes! Keep talking, Luci! I told you; I want juicy details!” I rolled my eyes and smacked at his arm, and he laughed, to my relief.

“Yeah, so he kissed me, took off my clothes and shit, and we had sex. The end. Yay.” I did some jazz hands, and Gabriel rolled his eyes in return.

“No, I mean was he good or bad? Was it fast or slow? What did he say during?”

“He was good, and the first time was slow, second was fast, and he told me I was perfect.” I remembered in detail how sweet Michael was to me, gently pushing in and out of my body, and worshipping me in between. If anything, I blushed harder, and I nervously played with the tips of my hair while Gabriel actually tittered in the background. Ass.

“Twice? You had sex twice? Oh that’s great, Luce! You must be sore as all fuck! Here, try this.” Gabriel handed me a potion, and I drank it with no hesitation. I figured I might as well try to show that I trust my twin, so that he can get his trust of me back. He smiled at me, and I smiled back in relief as a lot of the pain and soreness seeped out of my body.

“Lucifer? Are you in there?” I perked up when I heard Michael’s voice coming from the door, and I couldn’t help but hope we could have sex again sometime very soon.

“Yeah, come in,” I called out, and Gabriel grinned at me and made lewd hand gestures. I flipped him off.

Michael opened the door, and I was glad I’d gotten dressed before I’d left the bathroom, because honestly? I was already a little bothered from talking about the night before, but seeing him walk in turned me on for no apparent reason. He nodded at Gabriel and then turned to smile affectionately at me, which made my stomach flip over.

“Hey Micha,” I said quietly, and he kissed my cheek.

“Sorry about this morning, Morning Star; I woke up early and couldn’t stand to wake you. Are you alright?” I smiled at his cheesy nickname, but I nodded, and my Michael seemed satisfied. He leaned over and kissed me quickly, really just a press of his lips to mine, and then he grabbed my hand.

“Sorry to steal your brother, Gabriel, but we have things to do today, I’m afraid. Has to be done before breakfast.” He dragged me out of the room while my brother giggled, and we barely made it back to Michael’s room before we were all over each other.

“Michael, I love you,” I gasped out while he tugged my shirt over my head. Michael smiled against my neck and kissed there.

“And I you, my darling. Now, are we going to have sex again or not?” I laughed for a good minute, and then I nodded against his shoulder. I would’ve done anything he asked in that moment, and I knew he would do the same for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed reading this one as much as I enjoyed writing it! See you next time!


	52. It's April Fools Day!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may or may not've noticed, I added the final chapter count. After this chapter, there will be eleven left for me to post, and eight for me to write! Isn't that crazy? Anyway, sorry this is late again! It's summer, and suddenly all my friends have been bugging me to hang out.

Tuesday, 4/1/14

So it’s finally April Fools Day, which is my favorite holiday of the whole year, unless you count Halloween! I freaking love April Fools Day! You get a free pass to go make everyone else’s lives miserable with pranks, and I mean, who doesn’t love the idea of making people they hate miserable? Okay, okay, I wouldn’t go that far. I’m not going to kill anyone or anything… Just, maybe spice up their hairdo. Ah, yes, April Fools Day!

Sorry about writing two days in a row, by the way. I never write two days in a row, but I can’t just skip April Fools Day! And besides, I’ve been wondering where Lucifer went. He never came back to the room last night, so I just had Crowley over, but I want to know where he was. Right now, he’s showering, so he must’ve come back while I was sleeping, but his bed’s still made, so he didn’t sleep in it or anything… Well, either way, I shouldn’t write so early in the morning, especially when I wrote last night, but I needed something to do while I wait for my brother to get out of the god damn shower. I’m so bored!

Oh, shit, he’s out of the shower. I’ll be back later.

So I think that might’ve been the best conversation I’ve had with my brother in a long, long time, actually! It was really, really nice, especially when he hugged me. It’d been a while since we hugged, and I really love hugs.

Let me explain a little. First of all, Luci limped out of the shower, so it was pretty easy to tell where he’d been all night. Having sex. And according to him, pretty good sex. We sat down, and he started asking something, and I started laughing, which, I mean, I wasn’t laughing at him, but I could see why he thought I was. I was a little scared of him, as I tend to be after all the hallucination shit, but this time I told him so. I kind of wish I hadn’t, though, because Lucifer just looked so devastated when I did… I love him, I really do, but I told him that I was afraid, and I’d really like to listen to what he has to say if he’d stop hurting me. And you know what? He did it. He promised me that he wouldn’t hurt me again, and I almost cried right there.

I did, however, question him about the sex and how it happened, and it turns out, I have a new secret base of Michael’s to find! I don’t know where or what it is, but apparently Michael has a secret base!

The important thing here is that Michael really seems to love Lucifer. And I mean, I didn’t know the guy could be so smooth! He made my brother really comfortable, was totally sweet, and wound up banging him twice. It seems like Luce had a pretty good first time, I guess. I’m just glad he’s happy with Michael… I was worried there, for a bit, but I guess everything is gonna work out just fine. Especially since right after our conversation, Michael came in because he had ‘business’ with Lucifer! I’m not that dumb, guys, I know you went to fuck!

I don’t really have anything else to say at the moment, but I’ll write some more later. Be back in a bit!

Ah, yes, did I ever mention how much I love April Fools Day? It’s totally acceptable to run around changing everyone’s hair to various neon colors! I won’t say much about that, because Crowley and I are trying to deny that it was us, but I will say that Dean looks pretty good with green hair, and Sam looks like a princess with pink hair. Michael looks… Well, he looks edgy, and dare I say it? Sexy, with blue hair. I think my poor twin is going to be exhausted after today, but I think once you get to that point it’s a little hard to stop having sex anyway.

In addition to the hair thing, which totally was not Crowley and me, we made all the candles in the Great Hall explode into confetti in time for dinner! And we didn’t even get in trouble! The staff laughed, and the kids thought it was cool, so we got out of any sort of punishment. It was a really great moment, too; I mean, a lot of kids were really startled, but everyone was laughing and smiling and it made me feel good to make people happy, so I even offered to clean it up. Now, I’m regretting it, because it’s late and Crowley and I are sitting around in the Great Hall, snacking instead of working.

Really though, those trips to Zonko’s really paid off! I had so much crap to use up it was unreal, and I got to play a bunch of fun tricks that I’ve been waiting to pull off. I also ‘accidentally’ got chocolate all over Lucifer’s bed when he was about to go to sleep in it, just so he’d have to go sleep with Michael. Granted, I really only did it so Crowley and I can have some fun of our own later, but I digress! I’m helping them along, and besides, they’re really too cute.

Crowley and I really spent the whole day running around the building and having a blast. I can’t really remember if I mentioned it or not, but the unicorns have to leave soon… They actually seemed happy to see us today, and both of them let me pet them. Crowley had no such luck; one of them kicked him where it hurts. He actually shed a tear, which was really funny. And of course, neither unicorn really liked Deanie, since she was running around with us today. They got skittish around her, but the mom eventually let her sit on her back. I have pictures of a unicorn giving my cat a ride, and I love it.

I was kind of proud of myself today, too. People seemed surprised that I was doing so well today. I mean, they could’ve been surprised that I didn’t accidentally kill someone with a prank, but I feel like people are being okay, and everyone was really nice today. Crowley just said that people tend to like me better the more charismatic I am, and maybe that’s true. All I know is that smiling came easy today, both for me and for a lot of other kids, too.

All in all, it’s been a whirlwind of a day. I’ve had so much fun that I think this actually counts as a completely good day, and when Crowley and I get done cleaning, we get to have sex, which seriously could not make any day worse. I’m really fucking tired as shit, but I’m on top of the world. I’m going to go kiss my bestie with benefits, admire photos of Dean Winchester, and then have a ton of sex. Sounds good to me!  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, coming up soon I leave for two weeks in a row. I have written three more chapters than I have posted, so would you guys prefer I post everything I have done right before I leave, or just post one and get back on schedule when I get back?


	53. I Think I Might Actually Miss it Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ARGH I'm late again! i apologize dreadfully! In payment, as soon as I finish writing the chapter I'm writing now, I'll post another chapter.

Saturday, 4/5/14

Right now, I don’t think I could be happier. I can’t even really describe what I’m seeing right now, but I’ll try. I’m off a little ways outside of Hogsmeade, and Crowley and I are sitting on the top of a hill, in the sun, and it’s green all over. The trees are beautiful, the sky is blue, there are flowers around… I feel at peace. Crowley’s napping, which is why I’m writing, but we were hanging out and just talking. God, it’s so beautiful today.

Today, Michael took us all out to Hogsmeade. Technically it wasn’t a Hogsmeade weekend, and Luce and I aren’t supposed to be allowed out to Hogsmeade in the first place, but Michael is persuasive when he wants to take my brother out, so we’re all here. And by all, I mean Crowley, Lucifer, Michael, Cas, Sam, Dean, and me.

Okay, saying I felt at peace was a little bit of a stretch. I’m jealous, I guess, which sucks, because Dean and Cas went off together as soon as we got here, and Sam went to go call his girlfriend. Basically, I feel left out of the couple-y loop. Even if Bobby isn’t here, Crowley technically still has a boyfriend. I mean, I’m okay that I don’t have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, I just kind of wish I did. And that’s normal. At least, it’s my normal.

I’ve really come to terms with myself, and in a good way this time. I feel a lot calmer about this whole school year disaster, and I know that I’ll be okay. I know what’s me, and I know what’s not, so I’m just gonna be me.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how I’m gonna miss it here. I was telling Crowley this a little while ago, but I feel like I’ve grown up a whole lot just from being here, even if a lot of that growing wasn’t so good for a while. I never wrote about this, but earlier on in the year, Lucifer told me I wasn’t mature enough to amount to much, but now, I have the confidence to say yeah, I’ll be fine. I mean, it’s a hard feeling to describe, but I have confidence, and I can stand up for myself. Standing up for myself would’ve been great earlier on in the year, when people hated me and my brother, but hey, at least I got it in the long run. I feel like I’ve changed here, and that might have a lot to do with Zach’s death and my depression, but it feels good.

Wow, that was deep. Sorry about that; Crowley and I have been discussing our lives and it’s kind of infectious. Don’t get me wrong though, school still sucks. I have so much homework it’s unreal, and according to Crowley, they give us homework over Easter Break! Speaking of Easter Break, that starts in less than a week. Apparently, Easter Break at Hogwarts is super cool, so I don’t know if I’m gonna go home or not. Dad’s going to want me home, but it really depends on what’s going on over here. I mean, if cool shit goes down over Easter, I don’t want to miss it…

But back to the point, school is pretty shit. Now that I’ve gotten better, Professor Weasley is back to her old level of hatred towards me. Or maybe I just hate her so much that it seems like she hates me. Plus, in Care of Magical Creatures, we finally had to free the unicorns the other day. The mom walked over to a bunch of us, nuzzled the girls, tapped the boys with her horn, and then left. It felt like she took a lot of my pain and doubts and stuff with her, as dumb as that sounds. I mean, for all that devil horse liked to kick me, sometimes, she really helped me feel better.

Potions is going okay, but I have to spend a lot of time getting tutored. I suck at Herbology, too, so I just make Professor Malfoy tutor me in both. He’s annoyed that I can’t just go to the Herbology teacher for help, but it’s not my fault Professor Longbottom is a nerdy teacher with a really weird name! I mean, besides the fact that he just plain doesn’t like me, mostly because I tend to bitch in his class a lot. But really, Professor Malfoy has been a huge help. He’s someone to talk to when I need advice, or if I just need to scream about everyone and everything I know, which happens surprisingly often. He’s also a really great tutor, which helps a lot.

It’s kind of getting dark around here… Crowley’s still asleep, and I’m getting bored, but we told the others we’d meet them here. Uh, hold on a second. Someone’s coming.

Hey. I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to write in here, but Gabriel says I need to write, since apparently everyone else has, but whatever. I’m Dean Winchester, I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach, and frisky women… I’m just kidding, don’t worry about that. I like frisky men just as much~. But really, Gabe, we all love you, okay? You are so awesome, and I’m really glad I got to meet you this year. We all are! I get that you’ve been having a hard year, but we’re here to support you, and I’m always here if you want to talk, so um… yeah. That’s it.

So I’m hanging out with Dean Winchester and newly awakened Crowley, and it’s really awkward. All of us are silent. It’s weird. But I really appreciate what Dean said. He’ll never, ever know how much, but hearing him say that he supports me and that he’s glad he met me. And he wrote he loves me! Well, indirectly. He probably didn’t even mean it like that, but still! He wrote in my journal that he loves me! I can talk to him if I need to! Ah, if only Dean himself weren’t here, I’d be free to dramatically sigh and tell Crowley about it, but I guess I’ll tell him later.

The sun’s going down. The sunset is so beautiful; it’s a perfect way to end this day. I’m getting tired, but I don’t really want to stop writing, because it’s the only thing distracting me from the combined cold and awkwardness of this whole scenario.

Oh. Um. Dean just gave me his jacket. His muggle, brown leather jacket that smells like him and it’s warm and ah… I think I just fucking squeaked, but I really don’t care. Dean Winchester gave me his jacket! And it smells like wilderness and like his cologne and wow I don’t think I’ve ever obsessed over a person this much. I’m in love. I’m so in love with Dean Winchester, but I’m a coward. I’ll never say anything, not when he’s dating Castiel and only sees me as a friend.

Having had this revelation, I think I need to go to sleep. I’m tired, and I’d really not like to cry in front of Dean for no reason other than I’m too much of a coward to ask a boy out.

I really am glad we get to watch the sunset together, though. I wish we could do this every night.  
\--Gabriel Shirley Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, sorry for the lateness... Going off to summer camp/reunion in three days!


	54. Spring Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm really sorry I'm always late, and I'm even more sorry that I can't quite finish before I leave for a couple weeks... But anyway, here's the second chapter for today.

Friday, 4/11/14

It’s finally break! Man, I can’t believe we’ve only got about two months left! I mean, it’s a little bittersweet, but it’s definitely more sweet than bitter. I’m honestly so done with school it’s unreal, but hey, my brother has finally had a boyfriend, a first kiss, and sex. The two of them are in love. I made a couple new friends, and I know what it’s like to love someone. I’ve hit rock bottom, and I recovered. I’m proud.

Let’s not be sappy though, and let’s instead be pissed that I have four essays and three potions to make in the next two weeks. I mean, what the fuck? They gave us Christmas, and then decided that they’d give us another vacation, only to fill it with homework. It really sucks, because now I’m really stressed over homework when everyone else is relaxing. I’ve been obsessively working on homework for a couple hours, and I’m only done with half an essay. Obviously, this school is not good for kids with anxiety problems.

I really am excited for break, though. We all are. Well, the ones who are here, anyway. It’s me, Crowley, Luce, Michael, and Dean. Cas, Sam, and Charlie all went home. Cas and Sam both said they didn’t like the chaos of Easter Break, and Charlie just wanted to go home. I think her mom is sick or something; I’m not sure. I wish I could help, but I think talking to her about it might make it worse.

Dad had a fit when he heard I was staying at school for the break and not coming home… I think he wants to baby me or something, but I don’t need that! I’m perfectly fine at school! And besides, apparently there’s something really awesome that happens on Easter. I wish I knew what, but Crowley said that it’ll be better if it stays a surprise. All he said was that it was a school wide tradition, and it accounted for the bigger number of kids that stayed at school for this break compared to the last one. Michael’s been busy setting it up and working out details, so I can’t ask him.

When Michael isn’t out talking to teachers about this big project thing, he’s with Lucifer, and I really don’t want to split them up. I’ve been lucky; I haven’t walked in on the two of them having sex yet, but I know it’s going to happen… Crowley told me to mentally prepare myself, and I’m trying, but I really just don’t want to see that. I mean, who wants to see their sibling having sex? And besides, it’s just going to remind me that I can’t have sex with the guy I really want to have sex with.

Okay, I have a confession: I kind of sort of have a new crush? I mean, maybe. It’s a girl this time, but she’s really beautiful, even if she’s kind of harsh a lot of the time. It’s frustrating for me, because I don’t really think I want to get over Dean, because I really like him and all, but this girl has been flirting with me, and she doesn’t flirt with anyone. Hell, she hardly even smiles, but she smiles at me all the time. But I really like Dean, and I like liking him. I like the way he makes me feel, and I don’t ever want to stop that feeling. Maybe it’s for the best, though… I’m going to have to grow out of Dean sometime, but is it selfish to want that feeling? Or maybe it’s just stupid. Either way, I like her, but I don’t really want to. I want to keep blushing when I look at Dean, and I want my heart to beat too fast when he touches me.

God, I’ve turned into such a hopeless romantic… I thinks it’s because everyone I know is in a relationship: Cas and Dean, Sam and his girl back home, Lucifer and Michael, and Crowley and Bobby. I’m pretty sure Charlie’s dating someone too, but I don’t really know much about that, other than the fact that she’s mentioned someone and how they went on a date.

Speaking of romance, Michael asked me something the other day that made me very excited! Hell, I think it made everyone excited! So I was sitting around in me room, like I usually am, and Michael came in. At first, I thought he was looking for my brother, so I told him Lucifer had gone looking for him, but he said that wasn’t it. I was nervous because Michael seemed nervous, and I mean, Michael’s never nervous. What he asked was if Lucifer had ever mentioned anything about wanting to get married. First, I was in disbelief, and I waited for the just kidding, but he kept fidgeting. Next, I laughed, which always seems to get me in trouble, so I stopped when Michael glared at me. I answered him honestly: I don’t know. Luce has always been very romantic and traditional, so I’m assuming the answer is yes, but he’s never really brought it up, probably because he’d never even dated before. But I told Michael that for what it’s worth, I hope they get married. Michael actually told me that it mattered a lot, and he gave me a hug and left.

How cute, though! I mean, it’s a little quick to be getting married, especially since they only met a couple months ago, but they belong together. They bicker like a married couple, anyway. I can’t wait for Michael to be my step brother! Lucifer seemed really confused when he came back to the room and I burst into giggles.

Crowley and I have been laying around my room the past couple of nights, especially since my twin spends his nights with Michael. It’s great, and he can actually help with some of my homework, when we aren’t busy with other things, of course. It’s really great to have him over all the time; it’s like a sleepover everyday! Crowley is seriously the weirdest ass blessing I have every received. No matter how awful we can be, I feel like together, we’re better, at least a little. I don’t want to ask Crowley if he agrees, mostly because I’m afraid he won’t and he’ll laugh at me and tell me he’s been using me as a bed warmer from the beginning. I don’t think so, but it’s the insecure part of me that makes me say something else every time I try to start that conversation.

Right now, I’m curled up in bed, and it’s like four in the morning, but I woke up a couple hours ago and couldn’t go back to sleep. Deanie is sleeping on my feet, and Crowley’s curled up against my side, and everything’s pleasantly warm. It’s moments like this when I never want this year to end, because after this is over, I’ll never have these nights again. Crowley will be in England, with the love of his life, and I’ll be across the ocean, with no friends and nobody I even kind of like. I’ll miss sleeping with my best friend pressed to my side in the biggest, fluffiest bed in all of creation.

God fucking dammit, I’ve made myself cry. I’m such a loser! I’m going to go to sleep before Crowley wakes up to me crying inexplicably at four thirty in the morning.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked these two chapters! See you hopefully one more time before I leave!


	55. I Have Bad Luck. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One last chapter before I leave for break, everyone! Hope you like it, and I look forward to getting back to you guys in early July!

Wednesday, 4/16/14

Oh my God oh my God oh my GOD. No. Just no! I can’t believe my absolutely beautiful luck. I jinxed myself when I wrote last time, and now I’m scarred. FOR LIFE. I mean, didn’t I just say nobody wants to walk in on their sibling while they’re having sex? I’ll give you three guesses as to what I just did. EW. That was so not fun. Excuse me while I either throw up or obliviate myself.

I mean, sure, Luce and Michael are a really cute couple. Did I want to see them having sex? No! I don’t really enjoy watching other people have sex unless it’s porn or something, and I don’t even like that very much. It’s just plain awkward. Just… I think I need like three entire bottles of alcohol to get that image out of my head. Uck.

Yes, I walked in on my brother having sex five minutes ago. What am I doing now? Now, I’m playing hide and seek with Crowley and Deanie, who’s surprisingly good at hide and seek. Crowley says it’s because she’s a magical cat, which, I mean, what’s the difference between a magical cat and a plain old cat? I guess Deanie’s always been really smart, but I never really thought about it. Either way, all I’m saying is that my cat can hide way easier because she’s a cat, and she can find us way easier because she’s a cat. How do you beat a cat in a hiding game? The answer is, you don’t!

At the moment, I’m hiding in the kitchen because my cat is It, and I don’t think she can get into the kitchen. I might be wrong. With my luck, I’m wrong. Eh, at least I get free food in here. It’s better than getting stuck in a broom closet like Crowley did when we played a couple days ago. It was so funny, but that’s a story for another time. The story for now is the story of how divine these fruitcakes are! Damn, house elves make great food.

And, sure enough, I got caught by Deanie. I’m sitting down by the entrance to the common room until Crowley and Deanie get back, mostly just because it’s easier to escape if we hear someone else coming. Even if someone else did come, I wouldn’t go back in there. I don’t think I’ll be able to look my brother in the eye ever again. Just gross, man. I mean, all I really have to do is sit here and think about it, too, which sucks. I don’t want to think about it! Technically I’m writing about it too, but that doesn’t count.

Better topic! So I’ve been hanging out with Dean some more lately, and wow, does that boy take my breath away. His smile and his laugh especially. Today, we skipped Transfiguration and went up to the Astronomy Tower together. We talked about nothing and debated whether Star Wars or Star Trek was better, and we finally settled on a tie. He teased me about how my hair is cutesy and girly and I told him his eyes belonged on a porcelain doll and he punched me, but we were both laughing and I couldn’t stop staring at his mouth and wow did I want to kiss him. I didn’t, obviously, but I wanted to, even more than usual.

We’ve really been doing a lot together lately. Like the other day, we went flying. I mean, I was terrified the whole time, but Dean looked like he was having fun. He offered to teach me how to get over my fear of heights, which was sweet, but I don’t think I’ll get the chance to take him up on it. I hate to fly, and besides, we only have about six weeks left until school is over, and two of those weeks are NEWTS.

I went off topic with the NEWTS stuff, but the point is, Dean seems to be making up for lost time, and I have absolutely zero problems with that. In the past couple days, we’ve been flying, gone on walks together, studied together… It’s so awesome! I don’t know if it’s just because Cas and Sam aren’t here for him to hang out with, or what, but it’s really great.

On the other hand, the girl I was talking about the other day asked if I wanted to come with her to a big family event in Spain. I told her I’d think about it, and she gave me her phone number. I… I don’t know what to do. I like her, I really do. She’s really fun to bother, and even though she used to be really annoyed when I bothered her, she’s gotten used to it, and she even smiles now when I talk to her in the halls. She’s really beautiful and elegant; she’s smart, witty, and once you get to know her, you get to see her sense of humor. I don’t know what I’m gonna do yet, especially not about her. If it’s her against Dean in how much I’d like to be with them, Dean wins, but in terms of who I could realistically be with and still be very happy…

There is a reason I won’t say her name, too, and it’s because I’ve told all my friends and family that I write about them, but I haven’t told her, and I really don’t want her to know that it’s her, should she ever happen to see this journal. Come to think of it, I’ve put in too much detail for there to really be any doubt were she to read it, but I feel a little safer not saying it. Sorry readers, you’re just not going to know! Not like anyone reads this other than me.

I’ve been bothering Michael about Easter prep, but he won’t say a word. I can tell he’s getting annoyed; he hides behind Lucifer whenever I walk into a room they’re both in. Speaking of Michael and Lucifer, ew, but back on topic… I really want to know what’s happening for Easter, and nobody will tell me! Dean laughed when I asked him and told me it would be more fun if it were a surprise, and Crowley said the same thing, only more eloquently. I can’t believe the asses! Even Lucifer knows, because he hangs out with Michael twenty-four-seven, and he won’t tell me either. He said it’s out of love for me and some shit of adding to my anticipation. Well, I call bullshit. They’re all being mean to me, and I know it! I mean, I guess my only choice now is to just wait until Easter, which sucks, but at least I get to see it on Easter, if I don’t wind up in detention or the Hospital Wing.

I really, really hate homework. And Crowley, because it’s been a half hour and he still hasn’t been found. The guy’s starting to beat my cat at hide and seek, unlike me. I’m half tempted to go hide again, but considering I already started working on homework, I might as well work on homework. Anyway, in five days of work, I’ve gotten an essay and a half done, and one of the three potions is brewing. I’m starting to freak out about all the homework for no apparent reason, which sucks because I know I can get it done, but I can’t force myself to actually get it done. I’ve always wondered why that is; people know things are easy and quick, but for some reason they still don’t do it. I mean, that’s pretty extreme procrastination.

Oh yeah, I also had to give Crowley dating advice this morning. Obviously, I’m terrible with dating advice, since I hardly date people in general, and I haven’t dated anyone at all since I got to Hogwarts. He wanted my help for what to do for a date with him and Bobby, though, so I tried as hard as I could to give good advice… I hope he doesn’t get mad at me for some of my weird answers. Knowing him, it’s a fifty-fifty chance that my death is imminent.

Speaking of imminent death, my cat seems to have found him. You’re lucky you’re an inanimate object, journal, because you don’t have to deal with sitting around counting while you wait for your friend and cat to hide from you.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sayonara, everyone! See you in two weeks, and I hope you like the chapter! After all, there's only eight left after this one!


	56. Blaze it, Jesus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I am a lot less tired than I thought I would be. It's one in the morning, and I got back from vacation about four hours ago, but I'm wide awake. Anyway, thank you guys so much for the continued support while I was away! To the new subscribers, welcome to the bandwagon! After this one, only seven chapters to go, and I've already written one. Thanks for the support you guys! I love you all!

Sunday, 4/20/14

 

Easter is seriously the best thing ever! I had the awesomest day today, seriously, you have no idea whatsoever! If you ever want to have a good time at Easter, just go to Hogwarts.

Okay, to explain, I’ve eaten so much candy today that I can’t actually fall asleep I’m so sugar high. Crowley’s awake too, but he’s giggling over in the corner about how weird it is that some dicks are bigger than others. Also In the room is my brother, who’s curled into Michael’s chest while they make out in my brother’s bed because it’s like four in the morning and everyone is too tired to really understand what’s going on. Dean’s here too, but he’s on the floor teasing Deanie because she wants chocolate but she can’t have chocolate. I think I’d die if I couldn’t have chocolate, you know? I mean, it’s like a necessary part of my diet!

Crowley is looking over my shoulder and he says I’m not making any sense and that I need to get to the actual point, but he’s not making much sense either so I think he should kiss my ass. Because he’s an ass.

So Easter at Hogwarts is seriously cool, because basically, there’s a school-wide Easter egg hunt, except with a lot more explosions and fun shit thrown in! According to McGonagall’s boring speech, it was started a couple years back by some muggleborn students from somewhere that wasn’t Britain, and they hid eggs all around the castle and watched kids pick them up. Since then, it’s become a school activity, and there’s a shit ton more eggs. Now, there’s more than a couple thousand eggs for the hundred or so students left in the castle over Easter, and let me tell you, it’s not enough eggs.

The deal with the eggs is that there are eggs of all different sizes. The prizes inside are all shrunk down to fit inside, so there could’ve been anything in them. A lot of them had candy, but one that Luce got had a desk in it. The other deal with the eggs was that not all of them had things in them. Some of them jinxed you, some of them just plain exploded, some were just plain eggs, and some just screamed at you until you smashed them! I mean, yeah, it sucked to get one of the shitty ones, but if you got lucky, which I tended to do, you could just throw them at the nearest person and it would affect them instead!

It was seriously the most fun I’ve ever had. EVER. I mean, I got to run around the whole castle and get candy and prizes while throwing what are practically bombs at people! Stress relief at its finest!

What we did was we split up into teams and ran around looking for the eggs, which were all over the castle. It was me, Crowley, Luce, and kind of sort of Michael in one team. I mean, Michael technically didn’t count, since he did set up and knew where everything was, so he wasn’t really helping. He only really came with us to be with my twin. On the upside, Crowley and I got to bug Michael about where all the really good eggs were, and he actually told us where a couple of them were! Technically, Crowley, Luce, and I cheated and stole other people’s eggs when they weren’t looking, but nobody said it was against the rules, and besides, nobody noticed that one or two eggs went missing.

All in all, it was fucking violent. There were explosions all over the place and like fifteen kids in the hospital wing by the time dinner came up, but it was so fun. I guarantee that every single person was happy they did it, because as terrifyingly shitty as it sounds, it was so cool. There were people everywhere, and everyone had a lot of fun.

I’m finally starting to calm down! Hallelujah.

Anyway, my team won! We won a bunch of house points and a bunch of extra prizes from some of the eggs that nobody found. I can’t believe some eggs weren’t found… I mean, we were looking from breakfast until dinner. It was really funny though, because at dinner, a couple people’s eggs exploded on them, which I guess wasn’t funny for them, but it was funny for me.

Luce, Crowley, and I all got a shit ton of awesome prizes, including a new couch, a desk, an elaborate ball gown, an expensive set of wizard’s chess, and a swimming pool. Plus, we got more candy than we know what to do with, so we decided hey, let’s have everyone over to eat candy! Since then, we’ve been laying around our room laughing at each other and feasting on really unhealthy foods, but every couple eggs or so we find another toothbrush, so it’s okay.

Dean and I have been sharing candy for the past hour, because he wanted some and I want to make Dean happy, so he’s been taking my candy. It physically pains me to give anyone my food, but it’s okay if it’s Dean. Before we all got so high that we couldn’t stop giggling, he and I sat outside and traded some of the weird shit we got from the eggs, and he told me that he thought I was pretty. We laughed it off, but I think I blushed for an hour. He told me that we should hang out over the summer, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I’m going home to the States and not staying here. Unfortunately, there is no international Floo Network, and neither Dean nor I can apparate that far. I told him sure, and I’d love to, but hey, even if I’m a dirty liar, I got to have a good day hanging out with him and eating food with him.

Speaking of food, I kind of want some actual food… I’ve been eating candy all day, and none of these eggs have any good food in them, other than chocolate and stuff. I mean, I’ve been eating all day, but I’m not really full because candy doesn’t really fill me up. On the other hand, I’m not feeling so good. Yep, gonna throw up. I’ll be right back.

Ugh… This whole day has been awesome, but when I think about it, I’ve been dumb; I was high off of sugar for hours, and I just kept eating. I feel like shit. Other than that, I had a really amazing day today. I had a lot fun during the hunt, I won the hunt, I hung out with Dean, who’s giving me a back rub right now. All in all, good day, but poor choices on my part.

I should really go; I’m falling asleep in Dean Winchester’s arms and that is a bad idea. Plus I might throw up on him, and that would suck.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, I wrote that chapter so long ago, I could barely remember it! I know this one was a little all over the place, but I hope you enjoyed. The next chapter is kind of like an extra, so it should be pretty fun for you guys. You get to hear a bunch of different characters at once! Also, I actually just heard the name of my fic mentioned by someone on a different website that I haven't spoken to, and wow is that an experience. Just knowing that there are actually people reading and thinking about this keeps me going for these last couple chapters. Thanks again, and see you soon!


	57. Lucifer is Awesome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehehe, I'm actually getting stuff done for once. I was going to have this up last night, but I was skyping some friends and didn't actually go to bed until four thirty, sorry about that. I kind of like this chapter, even if it's a little scrambled~

Friday, 4/25/14

I am obviously the greatest out of mine and Gabriel’s whole group of friends, so there!

Anyway, what was supposed to be the point of finding, stealing, and writing in Gabriel’s journal was to tell him what’s been going on the past couple of days, since he’s been sick and unable to leave his bed in the hospital wing, and I wanted to write something nice for my brother in his journal. When he gets better, he can read it, so hello Gabe, I love you!

Aw fuck no, Lucifer is totally not awesome! I’m way cooler than that son of a bitch, no offence to your mom, Gabriel. This is Dean, who you know is way more awesome and hot than your brother.

I can’t believe you ate yourself sick, dude. I didn’t even really think it was possible, but here’s hoping you get better soon, so we can hang out some more. I kinda miss being around you, y’know?

Hello, Gabriel, I hope this finds you feeling better than you have been these past few days. If you can’t tell, Lucifer and Dean have been worrying over you, but every time we’ve come to visit, you’ve been asleep or throwing up, so we’ve all left you alone. Of course, I’m very glad you had fun on Easter, but next time, don’t overdo it. I’m giving the journal back to Luce, since I have some work to do. I wish you luck keeping track of who’s who.

Michael~ God, he’s dreamy. I was also instructed to apologize to you for the other day, when you… Um. Never mind, you get the gist. So, sorry for the scene in the bedroom.

Anyway, things have been quiet with you out of commission. Dean’s been really bored without you, you know. When you read this, go hang out with the guy, okay? He lights up when you’re around, and he also gets pissy a lot, so I don’t want to be stuck with him when I could be with my Michael.

…I love Michael a lot, Gabe. It’s a little bit nerve wracking, really, being in love with someone for the first time, but I really do, and I don’t know what I’m going to do when school’s over. I know you said you’re going back to the States with Mom, but is she expecting me, too? Because as much as I can’t really stand Dad, I want to stay over here. I don’t know; I guess it just feels like that’ll kill any sort of kinship we’ve gained from being stuck together, and as hard as it is to believe, I love you. You’re my brother, and I know I’ve hurt you and I know you don’t like me all that much but dammit if I could handle myself I would.

Lucifer’s kinda getting to be an emotional wreck, so he said I’m allowed to write for a while. Course, he says I’m not allowed to read anything he’s written, so I’m not, but seriously? We’re writing on the same damn piece of paper.

Get better, Gabe! I miss getting to see your stupidly girly hair every day! You know I’m kidding, but really. I… I really like being with you, okay? Plus, you always seem to have good food stashed around. Kidding, of course, but You know last month, when you kind of broke down? I just wanted to say sorry, that I wasn’t there for you. We uh… We kinda had an awkward night, and I was worried that you were uncomfortable, so I shut you out, and I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t really mean shit when I can’t say it to your face, but I really am.

Hello, darling! I may or may not’ve stolen your journal from your lover boy while he was having an emotional moment, but I want you to see this. Now, I know you’re going to be busy rejoicing at the above paragraph, love, but I’d really like to know what in the world your business is with the head girl. 

Four times I’ve come to see you to find you talking with Raphael, who I didn’t even know you knew. I’ve seen you bothering her, of course, who hasn’t, but never having a civil conversation, and I’d like to know why you didn’t tell your handsome partner in crime about this new development. Have you gotten over Dean Winchester and simply forgotten to tell me? If so, how could you?

Five days without you have been a pain in the arse. Well, I suppose it must be nice for you to be able to lay around and catch up on your rest. And you needed it, too. We all worry about you, Gabriel; I more than any of them. You are my sole redeeming factor, and my comfort when I have none. Without you, my darling, I’m afraid I’m slightly lost. I however, do have good news. Bobby Singer has invited me to stay at his house for a while over the summer! I’m excited, but I’m damn nervous. What in the world do you do when your older almost lover invites you to stay with them in their home when you’ve barely even kissed? For all you claim uselessness, I miss your insight, my love. Get better soon, for my sanity.

Gabriel, I’ve just been told that Raphael invited you to her family reunion in July, and your brother and I are quite confused as to how well you know her. There are rumors spreading around that you’re dating, which are distressing Dean very much. 

You have to know by this point that he cares for you, don’t you? Lucifer says you can’t be dumb enough to think he doesn’t, but I’ve seen you around him. You always look so disappointed and nervous, like you already know that he doesn’t want you. He talks about you all the time, and he’s stayed single this entire year. Lucifer also says you think he’s dating my brother, Cas, but I know you, and while you play dumb, you couldn’t possibly believe that.

What’s going on? Raphael seems to like you, and she doesn’t like anyone very much. Dean hasn’t dated anyone this whole year, especially not Castiel, because he wants you, so please, clear things up with him. It’s worrying everyone. We all just care about you, and given the happenings of this year, I’m just worried about your reasoning for pretending that someone couldn’t possibly like you when Dean clearly does. Sorry for ranting at you when by the time you read this, you’ll have only just gotten better.

Brother. Brother, all I want in life is for you and I to be happy, okay? Please don’t sell yourself short of that. Why don’t you just say something to Dean? Or if you don’t like him anymore, try to see if that Raphael girl that Michael was talking about will go out with you sometime. As your brother, I’m allowed to worry about your mentality on these things. Also, please get better. Your cat is really annoying and hisses at me when I come near her.

Your loving brother,   
Lucifer Shirley

Get better soon,  
Dean Winchester

Feel better, Gabriel,  
Michael Novak

Miss you, Darling,  
F. Crowley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, no Gabriel in this chapter, but a lot of everyone else being confused and a little pushy. Fun.


	58. Remind Me to Slap All My Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehhhhhhh... I'm really not feeling well again, but what can I do? I felt bad not getting the chapter after this done, so I'm working on it at the moment, but like I said, I felt bad, so I'm posting this and writing instead of playing video games or sleeping. I'm sorry for complaining! I really do love you guys, and I'm eager to finish this fic, but I skimped on the planning for these last chapters, so I'm floundering a little.

Sunday, 4/27/14

Jesus H. Christ. I was sick for five days. FIVE DAYS. And in that span of time, all my mother fucking friends/family stole my journal and wrote in it! I am legitimately going to kill Lucifer, as soon as I feel like actually getting out of bed. I mean, I did get out of bed, but I’m still really tired, so I was gonna go back to sleep.

I guess I have to address what everyone was talking about in that last entry, so here goes.

Dean. Dean Dean Dean Dean. God help me, I love him so much. Yes, I lied to myself. I’ve known this entire year that Dean hasn’t been dating Cas, but what does it matter anyway? I used it as an excuse for me not being brave enough to do anything about a crush I don’t know what to do with, and I know it’s stupid, but I just can’t. There’s a reason I wasn’t a Gryffindor, and the reason is that I can’t be brave. I used to run and hide when my dad got mad at my brother, or my mom.

I do feel awful that I’m not strong enough to tell Dean the truth, but I just can’t say things like this out loud. I know Dean likes me. From what everyone else has said, it’s obvious. But I just, I just can’t find the courage to do anything about it, and that’s the way it’s going to stay. I’m not brave; I’ve never been brave, and I can’t help but feel like if I said something, Dean would tell me that I’m wrong, and he doesn’t like me.

It means a lot to me that he could apologize, even if he didn’t have to. Those things… They weren’t Dean’s fault. They weren’t anyone’s fault but mine.

The story with Raphael is this: I started teasing her because she was a little stiff and didn’t show a lot of emotions, and even though she was really annoyed, I got to see her crack a smile every once and a while. I didn’t really think it was worth writing about in here for a while, but before I really knew it, I was telling her jokes at lunch and she’d actually laugh. She would smile at me and greet me in the halls, and even though she still fakes being annoyed, I get to see her laugh behind her hand when she thinks I’m not looking.

I like her, I really do. She’s elegant, and funny, and smart, but she’s not like Dean, not for me. It’s hard for me, because I like her a lot, but I compare her to Dean all the time, and I feel bad about it.

She invited me to her family reunion after we really started to talk, and I’m still iffy as to whether or not I’m going. I can afford it, but I think that going is a step away from everything I have here and leaving it behind a little, and I’m not really sure that I want to. I mean, Michael and Raph have known each other a long time, but I still feel like I’m leaving them behind to go on a different track if I choose to go with her.

God, it’s hard dealing with Lucifer sometimes. I love Luce a lot; he’s my twin brother, and I don’t understand why he thinks I hate him so much. Yes. I am a little afraid when he gets into bad moods, but I could never, ever hate him, not anymore. I think I did at the beginning of this year, but I can’t now. I’m so proud of him for finding someone he loves enough to actually try to change for, someone he can argue with and be happy with at the same time.

No matter what he wrote in here, I’m making him stay with Dad. I am not an option. Maybe our relationship will deteriorate again, who knows, but I can’t tell him to come with me when the love of his life would be left behind. I might never see him again, and that would crush me, but I am absolutely nothing compared to my twin being happy for the rest of his life. God, when did I lose my selfishness? I’m making myself sad!

Crowley is the one that I’ve actually told all of the above to. He was shocked, and I mean, he did slap me for not telling him all this shit sooner, but he told me he would respect my decisions and let me live how I thought I needed to. I started bawling like a four year old.

I can’t believe he’s going to go live with Bobby Singer! Holy SHIT. That’s a huge, huge step, but I think Singer must know about Crowley’s home life if he wants him to stay with him so soon in what’s barely a relationship. I wish them luck, but Crowley is actually extremely nervous about this whole thing. I worry about him, as his friend, but I think he’ll be okay. I mean, that might be partly because I say them together today and Crowley blushed and giggled in his presence. It was pretty damn funny, but also really cute, and Bobby seemed to think so too. I’m sure they’ll be alright.

Speaking of Crowley, I’m really touched by how sappy and worried he always seems to get whenever I’m sick. He’ll hardly ever admit it, but he gets worried over the stupidest things… He’s protective, actually, which is kind of cute.

To the present, break is over tomorrow, which is very upsetting. At least Cas, Sam and Charlie are all back. I missed them. I mean, on the other hand, I don’t want to have to go back to frantically working on homework every night and stressing over whether or not things are done. Going back to school just makes me think of how little time I have left with everyone here at Hogwarts, and with the exception of Crowley, I doubt I’ll see any of them again. I suppose Luce might come out to visit Mom and me, but why would he? He’s going to be living with Michael pretty soon.

I think I might just be lonely and paranoid. I don’t like being left behind.

At the moment, I’m sitting in my room with Crowley doodling pictures on my right and Deanie napping on my left. Crowley, of course, gets bored with his doodles and occasionally peeks over my shoulder or will wander around the room for a bit, but it’s relatively silent. I mean, it’s a good silence. Comfortable. Ugh. Hold up.

Gabriel is the cutest, really. Awkward and a little self depreciating, but definitely adorable. Obviously he’s the cutest when he’s under me in bed, of course~

OKAY I THINK THAT’S ENOUGH. Jesus Christ Crowley. Ass face. Speaking of, though… I think I’m going to go now. I hate Crowley for getting me aroused at random moments, but here we are, aren’t we?  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we finally know why Gabriel keeps insisting that Destiel is canon. Hope you guys can stand the weird pacing of this chapter, but I really can't stand to look at it much more! Once again, I'm sorry I'm complaining and I'm sorry for the wait, but I liked this chapter a lot, and hey, only five to go after this one!


	59. One Month Left

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EHHHHHHHH... I just woke up from a nap, and seriously, trying to write when you're tired at ten at night sucks so bad. I'm going to make an attempt to stumble through a chapter after I post this, but it might take me a bit to actually get another chapter up. Sorry!

Friday, 5/2/14

Today was Sam’s birthday. I actually didn’t know until today, so I couldn’t get him anything and I felt bad, but it was still a pretty fun day. I’ll get back to that.

It’s really been awkward for the past, what, week? Sam and Cas have been a little out of the loop, and people won’t stop telling me I need to pick between Dean and Raph when I don’t want to, and it’s not like either of them actually really know I have a crush on them. It’s frustrating! I’m allowed to like two people, aren’t I? Please tell me this isn’t just another way that I’m a fucked up ass, because that would kind of suck.

Really though, Cas and Sam are having problems keeping up. I didn’t really realize that so much happened while they were gone, and I guess nothing really did happen, but I feel like a lot more of myself is out there than I’d like, because I’m the one being grilled about everything, and I don’t know what to say. It’s not like I can just say oh yeah, I love Dean but I don’t actually have the courage to do anything, and I like Raph and I might actually be able to talk to her. Fuck my life.

Back to Sam, it was his birthday today! We all hung out and attempted to bake a cake by ourselves, but it didn’t really turn out so great. It was a lot of fun though, and Sam insisted we spend pretty much the whole night watching Star Wars and Game of Thrones, hence why I’m writing at six in the morning. Technically no it isn’t Friday anymore, but I never count it as the next day until I go to sleep, or until I have to get up for breakfast if I don’t actually sleep. I’m pretty sure today is going to be one of the latter, because forcing myself to sleep just isn’t working tonight. I feel a little shitty, and I mean, that’s probably why I can’t sleep.

Sam’s pretty excited for school to end now, because Michael’s parents promised to buy him a puppy when he gets home. Lucky ass. I really love Sam though, so I guess I can handle being jealous. Deanie doesn’t like that I’m jealous of Sam getting a dog, which I find hilarious, so I play it up in front of her. She sulks by sitting under my pillow, and it’s adorable. Except when I lay my head down to take a nap, and my cat comes screeching out from under my pillow.

The rest of Sam’s birthday, other than the cake disaster and the TV marathon, was just all of us hanging out and having fun together. Most of us skipped class for the day and just chattered about summer plans. I stayed far away from that conversation, since Dean was there and I still haven’t told him that I’m leaving. I’m eternally grateful that Lucifer didn’t mention it either. All the same, I sat with my earbuds in and pretended to listen to music while I read over my homework and shit. They didn’t talk much about me, other than Sam saying that he was happy I was feeling better, and he was sorry he missed me winning the Easter competition.

For the summer, Sam and Dean are planning to go abroad with the Novaks at some point, but neither Cas nor Michael skipped, so nobody knew exactly when the Novaks are going to vacation, or where. Lucifer said he was planning to stick around to be with Michael, and Crowley just said that he’d be moving away from home as soon as school’s out.

Speaking of school, we’ve got exactly a month left, and I’m probably going to have to spend it studying. It doesn’t exactly matter, since there aren’t a whole lot of magical jobs in America. I’ll probably go and take muggle classes online, and just get a job as a cashier or something. I’m tired of complicated, but I’m not going to give up on what I’ve been working on this whole year.

I mean, it does matter. This whole year has mattered a lot to me. I really loved getting to meet everyone here, but it’s hitting the end of the year, and I’m realizing that all the friends I’ve made here are just going to forget about me because I won’t be around. I’ve resigned myself to it, but I don’t like it. The truth is softened a bit with the knowledge that I have Crowley, and he’s far too clingy to just leave me, and I’ll get to see Loki in person for the first time when I go. It’s just hard to leave this little life I’ve built for myself.

Yeah, I’ll be okay. A little sad, but at least I won’t be dead.

Anyway, Slytherin’s last quidditch match was today, too. Happily, I think we’ve secured the Quidditch Cup, because we stomped the Hufflepuffs flat. We won by over four hundred points because nobody could find the snitch and Hufflepuff’s captain was practically throwing up on the field she was so sick. Immediately after the game, we figured out that the poor girl has a fever, but didn’t want to let her team down. That’s what makes her a Hufflepuff, I guess. I admire her, but I wouldn’t do that.

Luce was disappointed that it was his last chance to play, but he and Michael got to have their public displays of affection on the field, so I don’t think he cared so much. I mean, he was upset later, but I asked and he said that getting the chance to see Michael so happy that they won was the best part. My brother is a romantic sap, and it’s great.

Since my parents’ divorce, Lucifer and I have had a hard time learning to adjust to life without each other. For a long time, we didn’t speak, other than fights, and it was hard when we could both remember the times when we used to spend every hour of every day together. I don’t think I realized how much I missed my twin, and how he makes me laugh and makes up stupid shit just to trick me and teaches me how to deal with the crap that I get dealt. Hogwarts has taught me that my brother might be buried, but he’s still there.

On even more sappy topics, several months ago, for Christmas, Crowley commissioned a painting of me, and according to my dad, it’s waiting for me at home. He sent a picture, but it’s too blurry and he can’t seem to take a better picture. Crowley is looking forward to seeing it, and so am I, but I’m wondering how I’m gonna take it on the damn plane home. Mom says not to worry, and if need be, she’d hire a jet, but I told her that that wouldn’t be necessary, thanks Mom, and she said okay. She went back to the States with the girls only the other day, and she said they’re having problems living in that house without Zach, so they might move while I’m gone. I said sure, as long as they don’t throw any of my shit away without my permission. Crowley insists that he’s spending the first week of summer with me, but I’m trying to tell him no. He’s gonna have Bobby here, waiting for him.

Crowley, speak of the devil, just woke up. He’s a little confused as to what I’m doing awake, but I know he won’t ask. He’s really cute when he’s tired, actually. I mean, it’s hard to see him as cute when I know he spends his days bribing people into deals and stuff, but I still manage to think he’s cute, just like he still says I’m adorable when I’m a mentally ill, poor humored idiot.

All in all, while I probably sound sad and depressed, I’m looking forward to the rest for my life. And if I ever want to come back, I know Hogwarts will be waiting to welcome me.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a bit... Well, a bit everywhere. I apologize; were I less tired I'd go back and probably rewrite parts of it, but I'm tired, and getting through one new chapter is like climbing a mountain right now.


	60. Testing, One Two Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm beginning to question why I always update at either one or two in the morning. Like, really? I'm getting tired here, but now that I've finally stopped playing Pokemon for five minutes, I actually have a really good plot going for the extra, which I'm in the middle of. After I'm finished writing this, I'm only going to have two chapters left to write, and I think I might actually cry! Wow!

Saturday, 5/10/14

I’ve had what you might call a really, really long day. I’m exhausted, and frustrated, and every adjective in between, and I’m pissing people off because of it. At least I’m alone for the time being; I mean, I’d hate to be in the way while I have a panic attack. Fuck people. Fuck assholes.

Basically, testing starts in a little over a week. That means NEWTS. Apparently, they’re extremely hard, and at my old school, we were a little behind Hogwarts. What if they cover stuff that I never learned? Then what? What if I fail, and everyone else laughs at me?

I’ve been thinking about this shit obsessively all day, and I can’t make it go away. I’ve also been awake for more than thirty hours straight, trying to study. I mean, it sucks being so nervous that it feels like my life depends on doing well on these tests. It doesn’t. I know it doesn’t, but… I’m scared of it. I’ve never done anything as hard as NEWTS. Well, that’s subjective, because I guess living through this past year was pretty hard, but that wasn’t school, really. And I’m not making any sense, am I? I think I’m just hungry and tired.

Okay, I’m back from the kitchens, and let me tell you, coffee is a miracle. I’m feeling a little more awake, at least. I had cake, too, so I should be thinking a little clearer.

My brother and a couple of the others are looking for me. They won’t find me; I’ve been afraid of the astronomy tower, and that’s where I’m studying. It helps me clear my head a little, and I am afraid, but hey, it helps. But… I’m really not that stupid, so I’m going to take a break and write for a while. Partly because I’m afraid my hallucinations will come back, even though I know in my head that they won’t. I feel more confident in myself than I used to be, and that’s supposedly why I had hallucinations in the first place. I guess the other part is just that I know that what’s going on right now isn’t healthy, so I need to take a break and reorient.

THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT BY REORIENT. Seriously? I have an owl on my head… Luce’s stupid fucking owl has resumed her perch on my head, and I mean, I’d forgotten about her until now. Lucifer loves her, but he hardly has occasion to write, so I hardly see her. Plus, she doesn’t really get along with my cat, so... It’s kind of nice, in a weird way. Having an owl on my head is reassuring. I don’t really know where she came from, since she’s supposed to be in the owlery, but hey, she’s not so bad, now that I think about it.

Never mind. Do you know how difficult it is to get owl claws out of your head? Well, I’ll tell you: it’s fucking hard! I just pried an owl out of my hair and I’m laughing so hard it hurts. I knew it’d be a good idea to take a break. In other, unrelated news, I’m going to be having deep fried owl for dinner! Not really, but believe me, I want to. It’s just that if I ate my brother’s owl, I think he’d eat me. To be honest, I’d probably stab him if he threatened my cat, but I mean, Deanie hates him, so I try not to take it so hard.

Hey, what do you know? I’m feeling okay. I’m going to head back down from the astronomy tower; some days I still feel scared that I might jump. Not now, but it’s a fear, you know? I’m not sure I’m ever going to be good with high places ever again.

I’m back in my bedroom, and Luce slapped me. He looked like he might cry when I showed up. Neither of us quite knew what to say, but Lucifer gave me a hug and told me that he was worried and not to disappear on him. I promised him I wouldn’t. Crowley came in for a second, just to look me over and deem me okay for the time being, and then he apologized, saying he had a date with Bobby. I don’t mind; I actually think it’s really cute that my best friend is getting with his crush. I’m looking forward to hear about it and tease him about it!

Oh my fucking god! Mother fucking… So I just realized that I forgot my sister’s birthday. I didn’t get her a present or anything at all, and she will throw a fit if she doesn’t get something for her birthday… Excuse me while I scour my room to find her a birthday present.

Well, I didn’t find a present for Ruby, but I did find a bunch of old shit I’d lost, so there’s that. Oh man, I’m such a terrible big brother! Granted, Lucifer forgot too, so we’re searching frantically for something to give our bratty little sister. Seriously, she’ll be pissed if we don’t get her something. I remember last year, she called Luce every day for a week asking about her present and why it wasn’t there yet. I still remember when Lucifer were sitting in the lunchroom at EYWA, across the room from each other, of course, and he got a phone call, and I swear, I could hear Ruby screaming and crying at him from across the room. Three year olds, wow. Well, I guess she did just turn four, but still.

Michael is awesome, I mean seriously! He just showed up out of nowhere with a bunch of magical toys for little girls. I nearly cried. Lucifer, of course, tackled him, and they wound up making out in the door way. I started imitating them in the background until they both glared at me~! I’m proud of my ability to disturb my twin, because trust me, he’s disturbed me quite enough over they years. Especially after I… Let’s not talk about when I walked in on him. Nope. NO. WHY DID I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT? God damn it.

So I called my dad, my mom, and my sisters, and I got to tell Ruby happy birthday, even if she didn’t seem too happy when I told her her present would be late. Anna seems a little better, and she’s off the crutches she’s been on since the accident. Meg seems excited to see me once the school year’s over; we always got along. Mom seems to be doing okay, but I know she must be having a hard time. She told me that the house feels too big now without Zach. Dad said that he misses having company in the house, but that he’ll be fine and not to worry. Lucifer says that Dad’s lying, but even if he is, what am I supposed to do about it? I mean, Luce seems to think that Mom and Dad might get back together after this, and I really don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s not gonna happen.

I am seriously tired. And that’s a good thing. Three hours ago, I was freaking the fuck out about tests that aren’t for another week, and hiding out from everyone, and now that I’ve come down, I feel like I actually managed a good day. I got to spend a day panicking with my brother, and it was fun. My hatred of owls has been reaffirmed, and my cat has returned to come sleep with me. My family is doing okay. I’m going to spend the rest of this week hanging out and studying with my friends, and I think that’ll be fine. All the same, it was kind of nice to take a break from stressing over the whole Dean/Raph problem. I’ll think about it, I promise. Just… not now.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I should be done before Gishwhes, which is good. I'm looking forward to that, but it's sad, you know? Thanks again for sticking around guys, and prepare for a long chapter next time!


	61. Extra: Adventures in Relationships

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, this is a long chapter, but I loved it and hope you guys feel the same!

Gabriel used to wake up in the same room as his brother every day. Of course, that was back in the days that the two of them usually shared a bed, not just a room, and those days were long gone. He still remembered the first day he’d slept without Lucifer in the room, and it’d been when he’d moved out with his mom. He’d bawled like a baby, and refused to get up in the morning until her got a call from his twin.

Gabriel liked to think he was more mature than that, now. Sitting up with a yawn, he tried to ignore the way his eyes drifted to his brother’s empty bed. Instead, he shoved his hand under his pillow, grabbed some of his precious candy, and started his day. You can’t be a child forever, he thought, and he stifled a sigh when Lucifer came in from the hall wet from a shower, no doubt with his Michael.

“Gabriel,” Lucifer said, his eyes widening only for a second. “I didn’t think you’d be up.”

“Yeah, well,” Gabriel shrugged, “I’m not always lazy, you know?”

“I guess so. How’d you sleep?”

“Fine.”

“Good to hear. I’m gonna go with Michael down to the lake, if you need me.” Lucifer towel dried his hair and threw on some clean clothes, and then he was out the door again. Gabriel finally sighed and settled on the edge of his twin brother’s bed. He hated being clingy; it made him feel more useless than he already felt, but he wished that Lucifer would spend more time with him.

Gabriel let himself lay in Luce’s bed for a minute, and then he plastered a smile on his face and went to go find Crowley.

-

“Hey, Michael?” Lucifer asked quietly, his face pressed into Michael’s pillow. Michael himself was supposedly getting dressed, but Lucifer took pride in the way his Michael admired the marks across his chest.

“Hmm?” Michael hummed in response, and Lucifer slapped his ass when he walked by in search of his tie. Michael turned to shoot him a slightly annoyed look, and then returned to his search. Lucifer had come to love that look.

“Do you think I’m a good brother?”

Michael immediately stopped to turn to Lucifer, who was pulling at the sheets. He hated having to ask Michael this, because it wasn’t like Michael knew if he was a good brother or not, but he couldn’t ask Gabe. Gabriel would say yes no matter what he really thought, and Lucifer really, really wanted to know if he was doing something wrong. He never quite seemed to do the right thing, really.

“I don’t know, Luce,” Michael murmured. Lucifer stiffened, but his boyfriend settled on the bed beside him and stroked his hair. “I do know that Gabriel loves you very much, and so do I. You’re my morning star, and I could never stop loving you, no matter what you do about your brother.”

Lucifer opened his mouth to give an angry retort about how Michael really should care whether or not he was an abusive ass to his brother, but Michael hushed him with a quick kiss. “You didn’t let me finish, darling. That being said, I do believe you should try with Gabriel, because he’s obviously had a much harder time than you have, and you really need to be mindful of such.”

The blonde nodded, and he buried his face back into Michael’s pillow and inhaled. Vanilla, he decided, Michael smells like vanilla.

“Thanks, Micha. I just worry, you know? It’s hard sometimes…”

“I know, Luce.” Michael leaned down and kissed him again, firmer this time. Lucifer relaxed against his beloved, and Michael pulled away with a soft smile. “Now get up and get dressed, or you’re going to be late for class.”

Lucifer lazily lifted his head to glance at the clock, and then promptly shot out of bed and scrambled to put clothes on.

“Michael! You ass; I’m going to be way late! God dammit, where’s my shirt?”

Michael’s laughter rang through the whole Slytherin dorm while he fled from his enraged lover.

-

“Hey, what did you get on the Charms quiz?” Gabriel asked, looking at his own paper with what looked like disgust. Crowley resisted the urge to laugh at his darling friend and looked down at his own paper. Hmm, what was the word to describe his score?

“Shit,” Crowley finally decided, and Gabriel gave him a toothy grin.

“Hey, me too! I fucking hate Charms, man,” Gabriel said with a laugh, even though Crowley knew the honey blonde had to be freaking out inside. The poor boy had worked himself to the bone studying lately. “I mean, at least it’s not gonna matter for me in a month, you know?”

Crowley winced. He’d been trying to suppress the thought of Gabriel going home. Home to the United States.

“I’m going to miss you, you idiot,” Crowley mumbled under his breath, and Gabriel smiled sadly at his lap.

“I’m going to miss you too, so if you don’t talk to me or update me on what the fuck Singer’s house looks like, I’ll fly out here just to punch you, okay?” They laughed together, even as Crowley blushed. He couldn’t believe his best friend was making jokes about him moving in with the person he loved. He’d get back at him for it later, though, so he let it slide.

“Love, have you thought of what you’re going to tell Dean?” Gabriel stiffened and looked away. Crowley sighed. “You can’t just…”

“Not say anything? Sure I can, Crowley, because that’s what I’m gonna do. Would you’ve confessed to Bobby if he didn’t figure it out first?” Gabriel looked smug, and Crowley clenched his fists to keep from slapping him. Their situations hardly compared!

“Bobby Singer is my teacher, and about twenty-five years older than me, Gabriel. Dean Winchester is a year younger than you, and the biggest social difficulty you’d face would be the fact that you’re far shorter than him. So no, I would not’ve confessed to my teacher, had he not figured it out, because I would’ve been ridiculed.” Crowley tried to control his seething, and it was successful. To an extent. Gabriel blushed and stared at his lap, fidgeting.

“Sorry, it’s just… I’m not a Gryffindor. I’m not brave. The thought of asking anyone out scares the shit out of me, Crowley. I just can’t,” Gabriel said with an air of finality, so Crowley let it drop. He leaned across the library table to kiss his best friend, and he was satisfied when he felt Gabriel relax.

“I understand, darling, but do us all a favor and don’t try to compare our problems, yes?” Gabriel nodded emphatically, and Crowley felt a surge of affection for the young man across from him.

“Uh huh. How’d you think you did on the Transfig essay?”

Crowley froze. There’d been an essay due in Transfiguration?

-

Crowley found that sitting in the hall waiting for your lover to finish lecturing an unfortunate soul was quite boring. Unlucky for him, since it happened quite often. His excuse to be sitting out in front of the DADA classroom was always that he was in trouble, and nobody had problems believing that the self proclaimed ‘King of Slytherin’ was in detention again, so Crowley stuck with what worked. Being in a secret relationship with a teacher wasn’t something even Crowley was quite willing to take risks on.

The door cracked open, and the Brit was on his feet in seconds. The poor Hufflepuff stumbled out of the classroom, and Crowley anxiously waited the ten seconds it took for the kid to turn the corner before he knocked.

“Get in here, Crowley,” his lover said from inside the room, and Crowley obliged, throwing open the door perhaps a tad too enthusiastically. Bobby Singer smiled at his idiot’s eagerness, and stood to greet him. Crowley strolled over to him and pretended to glance around the room, even though they both knew nothing had changed since that morning.

“Robert,” Crowley acknowledged, just to tease him, and then he grabbed Bobby’s collar and slammed their lips together.

Like the rest of the few kisses they’d shared, it was a hot mess. Crowley was far too short to be able to really kiss him how he wanted to when they were both standing, but Bobby enjoyed the power it gave him over the haughty king.

“Calm down there, Crowley,” Bobby said softly, and Crowley took a tiny half step away. Bobby chuckled and leaned down to peck his cheek. Crowley flushed and settled himself on a desk not far from Bobby’s. With that, Bobby went to work, and Crowley contented himself to watch and admire.

“Bobby? What’s your house like?” Crowley asked, and he almost wished he hadn’t. He didn’t want to seem like he was over eager, and that sounded over eager.

“Hmm… It’s kind of a mess, but it’s off in the countryside. We won’t be bothered or anythin’. It’s got a big library too, if that’s your thing.”

“Where am I sleeping?” Crowley mentally begged himself to shut up. Bobby had work to do, and he was bothering his lover with his stupid insecurities and emotional baggage. Bobby stopped working to look at him, and Crowley found himself annoyingly self conscious.

“With me, of course. Where’d ya think? In the shed?” Crowley grinned, and stood up to stretch.

“Mm, I was thinking more the sex dungeon, but I suppose your bed would do.” Crowley glanced idly at the clock and frowned. “I have studying to do, but thank you for letting me see you today, darling.” Bobby cracked a small smile, and stood up to embrace his lover.

“Love ya, idjit.”

“And I you. Have a good day for me.” Crowley leaned up to kiss Bobby’s cheek, and then he skipped out. Bobby didn’t miss the flushed grin on his face.

-

Standing in the hall with one’s worst enemy isn’t fun, and Michael figured he should know by now what’s fun and what isn’t. After spending a year with Gabriel and Lucifer, fun had becoming peace and quiet, preferably in the library.

“Michael,” Crowley stated in greeting. Neither of the two looked at each other. They were both standing with their backs to the same wall with their arms crossed; Michael thought they must’ve made an imposing picture.

“Crowley,” Michael answered, and there was another brief silence before curiosity overwhelmed Michael. “How long have you been dating Bobby Singer?”

Crowley lost all of his composure when he nearly fell flat on his face, which had gone scarlet. “I surely don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Had he not been able to see him, Michael would’ve thought he was telling the truth, but as it was, Michael knew Crowley. It was generally very easy to startle him into telling the truth.

“Don’t bother lying to me; I’ve seen the two of you together.” It was a lie, but Michael wasn’t like his boyfriend, who rarely lied, and only when his pride was at stake.

“How is it any of your business what I do?” Crowley murmured, but he was staring intently at his shoes. Michael felt pity for having embarrassed him so, but it was the nature of their relationship. It always had been.

“It isn’t any of my business,” Michael said with a shrug. “I just wanted to tell you that it’s good that you’re happy.”

Crowley opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, but he shut it. Michael looked over at him and watched the smile bloom on his face. He couldn’t help but remember the last time he saw a smile like that on Crowley; it’d been when they were still dating. As per usual, they’d been bickering, and Crowley was ranting about some essay that was due when Michael leaned over and kissed him. The Brit had shut up then, and when he thought Michael wasn’t looking, he’d smiled that same, shy smile.

Michael couldn’t help but smile too. Hopefully now, they’d both be smiling a lot more.

-

“Oh Raphael~ My lovely maiden, where art thou?” Gabriel sang as he skipped up to the girl in question. She sighed deeply, as if she were annoyed, but Gabriel knew by then that she was quite amused. “Hey. How’d ya sleep?”

“Well, Gabriel, thank you. Have you given any more thought to coming with me to Spain? I believe you’d have a lot of fun, you know…” She trailed off, and Gabriel felt guilty that she was nervous about asking him to Spain with her.

“Uh, I actually have. I’ll be there, but if my family needs me, I’m gonna have to cancel, okay? I mean, I wouldn’t ditch my little sister’s dance recital for it, but I do wanna go!” Gabriel stumbled through a halfway coherent response and felt his face heat up when she laughed. God, Raphael had a beautiful laugh.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less. You dote on your sisters, Gabriel. All the same, I’m very happy that you’ll be joining us.”

“Yeah, I’m happy to go,” Gabriel said with a smile, and Raphael giggled behind her hand. After a minute, Gabriel registered in full what she’d said. “Hey! Raph! I don’t dote on my sisters! They’re devil spawn!” He whined, pulling on her sleeve in protest.

“Of course you don’t,” she replied with a slight hint of humor in her voice. “I agreed to go study with Michael, so I must go, but thank you for coming with us. We’re excited to have you.” Raphael leaned over and kissed Gabriel’s cheek, and then she walked away with a smile on her face.

Gabe, on the other hand, was flushed, and twice as confused as he’d been an hour ago. He sighed and settled down on the couch in the common room.

“What the fuck am I gonna do?”

-

Dean found that the Slytherin dungeon parties were… interesting, to say the least. When he’d first walked in, the scent of alcohol had hit him like a freight train. It wasn’t that he minded, but he had a mission. Drinking came later.

Finding Gabriel in the mess of excited Slytherins was just as hard as he thought it would be, but when he finally found the shorter guy, resting in his dorm reading, he was relieved. Part of him thought that Gabriel would already be asleep, or worse, hooking up with Crowley. Dean really didn’t want that mental image.

Gabriel looked up from his book when he heard the door open. “Dean. Hey, what are you doing at the Slytherin party? Aren’t you supposed to be angsting about your loss in the Quidditch Cup?” Gabriel teased, and Dean relaxed. It was easy to let himself be real with Gabriel, because the guy was so relaxed.

“Hey Gabe. No hard feelings, man, you weren’t even on the team! Now your brother, well, different story altogether.” Gabriel laughed, which was Dean’s goal. He loved the sound of Gabriel’s laugh, and the way his eyes lit up when he did.

“Aww, don’t take your frustration out on poor Luci! That’s what the alcohol’s for!” Gabriel smiled brightly, but after a moment he looked like he’d remembered a horrific memory. “Speaking of Luci, I’d bet money that someone else is already taking out their frustration on him…” Both Gabriel and Dean had identical looks of horror as they got the mental image of Lucifer having sex in their heads. Dean shuddered.

“So, uh, Gabriel… I was wondering if…”

“Gabriel Shirley, get your ass out of your bedroom and come party with us!” Dean was cut off by Crowley yelling from the other side of the door. Gabriel snapped his book shut.

“Yeah yeah, I’ll be right there, princess! What were you going to say, Dean?” Gabriel stopped right next to the door and looked back over his shoulder at Dean. Dean himself swallowed the burning disappointment that was threatening to rise and forced a smile.

“I was just wondering if you were coming on the family vacation with us, since Lucifer’s going.” Gabriel looked embarrassed and frustrated for only a second, then he just looked sad.

“I—I, uh… Dean, I’m not actually staying in England after school ends. I’m going back home, to the US. I’m really sorry, Dean, but I couldn’t tell you because I didn’t know what to say, and—“

“Gabriel! You said you were coming!”

“Yeah, I know! Two seconds!” Gabriel turned back to Dean with an unreadable expression. Dean figured his own face must be like an open book. “I’m really sorry, okay?” With that, he was out the door and back in the party.

Dean stayed in the his room for another minute, collecting his thoughts and making an attempt to control his heart. At least he didn’t embarrass himself by doing what he came to do, he figured. Dean sighed.

“I think it’s time for a drink.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters left, guys. I'm about to write the second to last chapter, so when you hear from me next, I'll have finished writing... Crazy, huh?


	62. Parties Galore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In actuality, I was done a couple hours after posting the last one, but I'm trying to drag out these last few chapters a bit. So I'm done writing, now, unless you people want me to write an epilogue. I can't believe it! Well, this chapter was an adventure! See you soon, for the last chapter!

Sunday, 5/18/14  
A lot has happened in the past couple days, and not all of it is okay. Man, I’m just dead tired. I can’t sleep, though, because testing starts tomorrow, and I’m so nervous that I’m wide awake. I mean, I am tired, just physically. And mentally, really. Honestly, I’m a little bit of a train wreck.

So we really did win the Quidditch cup, it turns out. The last Quidditch game, Gryffindor against Ravenclaw, was a couple days ago. Our entire house had a huge party when we realized that we won. And when I say huge party, I really mean it. I wound up drunk off my ass passed out in the bathroom, but that was mostly out of guilt.

See, I was taking a break from everything, just trying to clear my head, and Dean walked in to my bedroom. I was reading at the time, some book about telling people your feelings. Dean was… He was damn sweet, and he asked me if I was coming along on their vacation, like Luce. And me, being a stupid fool, told him I was leaving after the school year right as Crowley came and dragged me off. To review, I became an asshole, dropped a huge bombshell on the guy, and walked out.

I feel like shit about it, too, because he’s having a hard time talking to me.

On the other hand, I told Raph I was going to her family thing with her. I think I might need to take a step away from all the romance shit for a while, though. Just to get on track. So, I guess for the summer, I’ll be focusing on myself. Of course, I haven’t told Raphael that, and I think she thinks I’m going as her date. Oh, how did this become my life?

On the other hand, everything is coming to a neat close. Crowley is over the moon about staying with Bobby, and my brother seems to be well on his way to getting married in the next month or so. I got an apology the other day from some guy I don’t remember ever seeing; something about a spell he cast on me earlier in the year? I don’t even remember, but it was nice. I can’t believe it was nice. What’s nice is that I finally know what I’m going to do with this journal, but that’ll wait until after testing. For now, it stays here.

When I say parties, as in plural, I do mean parties. Tonight, we had a party, just for us. We snuck everyone into Michael’s room, and by snuck, I mean we walked them in and glared at anyone who said anything. It really was everyone, too. Michael, Luce, Crowley, Cas, Dean, Sam, Kevin, Charlie, a couple of Charlie’s girlfriends, including a lady who I really think is Charlie’s girlfriend, named Dorothy, and me.

Charlie’s friends were all awesome, even if one of them had the biggest crush on Dean I’ve ever seen, besides my own. Jo was cool, though, so I forgive her.

Honestly, the whole party was just a really girly sleepover party. We used engorgio on the laptop to make it practically a flat screen, and we watched Disney movies. In the middle of that, we ate sweets and popcorn, did each other’s hair and makeup, and gave each other makeovers by shoving clothes on unwilling models. Basically, I got to see Dean Winchester in one of Michael’s suits, and don’t bother wondering if he was attractive, because damn, was it ever! Come to think of it, that’s a little awkward, considering what I’m going to do with this thing once I’m done writing, but oh well. I write in pen.

Plus, I got to see Luce’s face when Charlie made Michael try on thigh high socks and a miniskirt, and while I’ll never forget that image, it was even funnier to see my brother go scarlet. I was forced back into a skirt, too, but by forced, I mean that I volunteered. What? I missed it, honestly. It’s more comfortable, and I never disliked it that much. What I disliked was losing my own clothes, but I guess that did teach me the marvels on skirts.

I got to hear some of the funniest stories from the Novak/Winchester clan’s childhood, and it was great! I mean, apparently, Michael went to a strip club once over the summer, and according to Sam, he left in five minutes because he was blushing so bad. Luce laughed his ass off, but I got to tell everyone some of the finest moments in the childhood of a brat. My personal favorite story of Lucifer’s was when he came home from staying the night at a friend’s house in the middle of the night, all skinned knees and bubble tears because he had to pee and he couldn’t find the bathroom over at the friend’s house, so he decided to walk home. Long story short, he got lost at the park and tripped into a bush, and then he saw a raccoon and screamed all the way home. I mean, he’d peed himself, that friend never talked to him again, and he became terrified of raccoons, so at the time, I laughed my ass off. Of course, at a party filled with your closest friends, Lucifer didn’t find it that funny, and promised revenge.

He got the revenge too, the ass. I’ll never admit it, but I hate the story he decided to tell, because to me, it wasn’t funny. It never was, never will be. Lucifer told everyone the story of why I was afraid of heights. I mean, it seems stupid, because everyone laughed and I know that it’s childish, but it didn’t seem like that to little nine year old me.

It was back when my parents first started the talk about getting a divorce, so it was still about a half a year until it happened, but by that point, Luce and I had a hard time getting along. Lucifer described it as me being a brat, but what really happened was that I was scared of something in my closet, so I went to sleep with Lucifer, on his side of the room out of fear. Of course, the first thing Lucifer did was wake up and say he had a way to make me forget all about the thing in my closet, and like the naïve child I was, I followed him to the roof of our three story house. Lucifer told me to look outside at the stars and hold his hands, so I did, thinking he was going to talk about the stars. Lucifer used to be obsessed with them, but not so much anymore, since we both skipped astronomy.

Anyway, he pushed me out the window. Granted, he was still holding on to me, but I started screaming so loudly I woke up our neighbors. Lucifer just smiled and said see, didn’t you forget all about it? I was sobbing, even before he faked dropping me. He yanked me back in the window right before our parents showed up.

Of course, the way Luce told the story was more like I was a brat, so he held me out a safe window for fun. I was never in danger. Yeah, right.

Despite that shitty story, I had a ton of fun. My nails are painted neon pink, I still have make up on, and my hair is still curled. I know it sounds like I had a bad time, but I promise that it was amazingly fun. We all told stories and did crazy shit. Maybe I only mention bad stuff sometimes, but that’s because I’m not really positive. I promise that sometimes I do have good times. Just, well… Not often, so I always mention the bad shit. But right now, curled in the tiny space between Dean and Crowley, I couldn’t be more content.

I’m scared for tomorrow. Hell, I’m scared for the next two weeks. I’m scared to go home, and I’m scared that all my friends will forget about me. I’m terrified. But I know I’ll be okay, because this is my life, and I like to entertain the thought that I’m in control now. Funny, huh? But with the thought of control… Is it okay to steal a kiss while someone’s asleep? Probably not… Has that ever really stopped me?

No. The answer is no, because I just kissed Dean Winchester while he slept. Screw the rules, I kiss who I want.  
\--Gabriel Shirley-Milton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's been a blast. See you all very soon for the last chapter, and thanks for all of the love!


	63. Dear Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The final chapter! Full author's note at the end.

Once, a long time ago, I said remind me never to start any of these with Dear Diary. Well, this is as close as I’ll get.

There’s a lot for me to say here. For starters, Dean, if you’ve read this far, congratulations! You’ve managed to get through all of my crap that I’ve been through this year. You know how I feel about you. I love you. I love you! It’s liberating, even if I know it might not be Dean Winchester reading this, someone is. Granted, I’m only in love with my dearest Dean, but I love anyone who’s managed to read through all of this, because trust me, living through it was hard enough. I don’t think I could read it all if I tried, honestly.

I love Dean Winchester!

It feels good to say it! I mean, I know it’s not as good as saying it to your face, but you know how I feel about you. And Raph. And you also know what I’m going to do about it, which is nothing. I’m taking a break to make myself happy, and hey, if that involves you, I wouldn’t be adverse to that. After all, I love you.

For old times sake, let me write as if it was still me, just talking to myself. You deserve to know what I’m thinking, here.

As it turns out, I did really well on my NEWTS. All my studying paid off! Like I said, it doesn’t matter much; I’ll be taking a muggle job. My mom called, and said that she has a job interview lined up for me when I get home. It’s at an animal shelter, so I’m really looking forward to it. So maybe it’s not unicorns, but Deanie should be able to make friends there. Speaking of Deanie, I named my cat after you, Dean. I love you!

Professors Malfoy and Singer both came to talk to me yesterday, when I was packing. Both were confused as to why I was packing when we still had the morning to pack, but I was packing so I’d have time to write all this. Believe it or not, sometimes it takes me a while to get all my feelings down.

Professor Malfoy told me he was really proud of all that I’ve overcome, and that if I ever need anything, to shoot him a letter. I told him I would, and I intend to. I mean, I do like Professor Malfoy, okay? He was cool! Professor Singer gave me a big hug and told me that I was a great kid, and I told him that he’d better take care of Crowley. He promised he would, so that made me feel better about leaving him.

Crowley’s been sobbing all morning, even if he won’t admit it. He locked everyone else out of his dorm room while he packs because he’s crying so much. I feel awful; I’m going to miss him so, so bad. It’s really hard to leave everyone behind here, because I’ll miss you all so much! But I’m happy. I get to get all this shit off my chest.

Lucifer’s having a hard time letting me go, too, but he’s busy packing, so he can’t cling too much. Michael keeps distracting him, and it’s pretty hilarious. I helped pack a few things of Luce’s last night without telling him, just so he could have a little extra time with Michael. Poor guy’s a sap, and I know he’s going to miss Michael the second they split off at the station. It’ll be a depressing car ride for him. I won’t actually be in the car with him, since Dad’s bringing my stuff to the station, and I’m taking a taxi straight to the airport. As much as it probably doesn’t seem like it to you, it’s hard to leave.

You must be happy, though, aren’t you? After all, Gryffindor won the house cup! I was surprised, since Michael and Raphael are in Slytherin, but I guess Michael was too busy banging my brother to focus on being a goody two shoes, huh? Hehe, I’m so not sorry for those mental images.

I hope you’re smiling, Dean. I want you to be happy. It really isn’t your fault that we never got anywhere. It’s all mine. My insecurities and lack of bravery got in the way, and I never let myself believe you wanted me, even when I knew you did. I’m sorry Crowley interrupted what I know was going to be your confession in my room that day, because I would’ve given an emphatic yes. I’m just not brave, Dean. Please don’t believe that I wanted to string you along, or that I never liked you, because I did. I do.

Anyway, I’m all packed up and ready to go. I’ve still got another hour until lunch, so I’m still going to write for a while. After all, I want to make this a comprehensive love letter for you!

This year, I’ve been through a lot. Some of it… Well, some of it didn’t make much sense. I mean, I was kicked by a unicorn. A lot. And then some of it did make sense. I was bullied into depression, and then I almost committed suicide. But you, and Sam, and Cas, and Michael, and Crowley, and even my brother, you were the ones who saved me. And god, am I glad you did. I’m here today, and that’s what matters. I told you so much about me that day when I collapsed in that hall, and I mean, it meant a lot that you were there for me during such a shitty time in my life. And maybe you don’t think you were there enough, but you were.

You seriously know all my secrets. I mean, all my secrets except my new address, which I don’t believe even Lucifer knows. My mom said that we’re moving as soon as I get home, so I can have a few days to say goodbye, and then we’re shipping out. It’s kind of exciting. We aren’t moving far; it’s only across the same city, but we are moving. Were I a muggle, I’d be going to a new school. As it is, I’ve graduated. I might finish muggle school while I have the time; I’m not going to be doing much over the next couple of years, so online school sounds good to me.

I almost can’t wait to put this thing where it belongs. Just look at the poor thing! My journal’s gotten beaten up over the year, hasn’t it? Where does it belong, you may ask? Well, it belongs right where you’ll have found it, in your suitcase. I’d hope you’ll take it with you and maybe think of me when you look at it in ten years when you’re married with six kids. I love you, Dean. I really, really do. Maybe, just maybe, if you still want to after reading this, I could be the one you marry someday. I don’t know; it was just a thought.

Speaking of marriage, I helped Michael pick out and order an engagement ring last night, before I started packing. He’s so nervous! I mean, for good reason; he is marrying the biggest diva in history, but Lucifer will marry him. He’s never had any problems with getting married young, and anyone can see that they’re soul mates.

I’m so, so proud of my brother. So proud. He’s getting the dream life that he always wanted, an apple pie life with someone that keeps him on his toes. Lucifer has really grown from the abusive ass that I hated into someone I love with my whole heart.

God, I’m getting emotional. I can’t believe I’m leaving you all here! But it’s not over, not really. It’ll never be over for me. Jesus, Dean, I’m crying because I can’t stand the thought that you may hate me for this, and that’s okay, but what if I never talk to any of you again? What if Crowley lied, and never talks to me, or Lucifer decides he really hates me after all? If you decide you hate me, what will happen to my friendships with Cas and Sam? I don’t know, but I’m willing to take that chance because I can’t leave you hanging like that. The last time we really talked was at that stupid Slytherin party, and I regret leaving you like that. I should’ve pushed for you to tell me what you really wanted to tell me, because dammit Dean, I wanted to hear it so badly.

It’s almost lunch time, and I’m trying to keep myself together long enough to write this last bit, because this could be the last thing I ever say to you.

Like I said, it’s almost lunch, which means we eat and then immediately hit the train, and I still have to convince Sam to shove this in your bag when you aren’t looking. I guess the last thing I have to say is that I’m ready for my life now. I’m looking forward to a new house, seeing my sisters grow up, meeting my friend Loki, and getting married someday, too. I can’t help but hope it’ll be you with me at that altar, Dean. Maybe it will be, maybe it won’t be, but you’ve played such a huge part in my life that I’m forever in your debt. You saved my life. Even if you want to forget me, and then eventually do, I won’t forget what you’ve done for me this year.

Basically, Dean Winchester, I love you. This has been the very beginning of my pursuit of happiness, and I hope you liked it as much as I did.  
Love from your midget,  
Gabriel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the journal was given to Dean. It was left in his luggage, where he'll find it while he unpacks. And that's it.
> 
> But to you guys, I'd like to say thank you so much for being here for me! I truly appreciate all the support I got throughout this fic, because for a first completed, multi chapter fanfiction, it turned out okay. Special thanks to a miss ratpenatu, for being as much of a writer as I was here! Seriously, read the comments, if you haven't already. She gave me so, so many ideas that I used and appreciated, and never got mad at me for using them without any sort of permission! Basically, I'm proud of us. Thanks a lot for reading this monster of a fic! Over six and a half months, no less! If you'd like an epilogue, weeeeeeell, I'm thinking about one, so maybe stay tuned?


	64. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehehe... I had so many people ask for an epilogue that it needed to be done, so here it is. It's really long, too. I hope you like how it wrapped up, and thanks for all the good wishes everyone.

Gabriel had figured it would take a little longer than six months to find himself back in England, but there he was, standing outside an old church, freezing his ass off, and praying to God that his cab showed up quick.

“Figures,” he mumbled, checking his phone and finding that, apparently, taxis from the city took more than twenty minutes to get to the countryside. It was safe to blame Lucifer for choosing to have a wedding in the middle of nowhere in the middle of winter. Gabriel sighed for the umpteenth time in an hour. People watching so wasn’t his thing. Unless they were hot people, but Gabriel didn’t think that his brother’s small wedding was the best place to look for hotties.

Gabriel, with his awful luck, looked up just in time to catch the eye of someone he wasn’t expecting to see for a long time, if at all. He wasn’t stupid enough to think that he could run away from the conversation that was coming, so he stood his ground and waited for the other to make excuses and get over to him.

“Hey, Gabriel. Didn’t see you at the wedding,” Dean Winchester said to him. Gabriel shrugged and resisted the urge to say, well, I’m here, aren’t I? He tried not to blush, but it didn’t really work.

“Uh, I sat in the back. How’ve you been, Dean?” Gabriel felt sick and nervous and a whole lot of other things, but mostly, he just felt happy. He couldn’t help but be happy when he was around Dean, and six months at home didn’t dampen that in the slightest.

“I’ve been… Well, I’ve been alright. It’s a little annoying to deal with Luce and Michael all the time, since, y’know, they’re so lovey-dovey, but I’ve been in school, so…” Dean shrugged. Both boys shuffled their feet in unison, and Gabriel laughed awkwardly.

“Yeah, I guess I forgot that you’re still in school. At least they decided to have their wedding over winter break, right?”

“Right.”

There was a long, tense silence, and Gabriel found that he didn’t know what to say. He knew he should ask about the journal but couldn’t stand all the what ifs in his head. Like, what if he never actually read it? Or what if Dean had gotten over him?

“Gabe, I—“

“Hey, Dean—“ The boys started simultaneously, and both trailed off.

“Oh, sorry. You first.”

“No, I mean, mine isn’t that important. What’s up?” Gabriel was convinced he was going to throw up, while Dean idly rubbed the back of his neck. Gabe could feel himself getting sick.

“I was just gonna ask what you’ve been up to these past couple months. Nothing big.” Dean mumbled the last part to himself more than Gabriel, but the shorter of the two heard it, loud and clear. He swallowed the bile in his throat and forced a smile.

“Uh, I’ve been bored. I mean, I got a job, and I’m taking muggle school online, but nothing really big ever happens. My sisters keep me busy.” Gabriel thought back. “Oh! I went to Spain with Raphael! It… It was relaxing, I guess, but you already knew about that, didn’t you?”

Gabriel would swear that he hadn’t meant to trail off, but he had. Dean was staring at him with an unreadable expression.

After a couple seconds of silence, Dean blinked and seemed to realize that things were awkward, and he cleared his throat.

“How was she?”

“Raph?”

“No, her mom.” Dean rolled his eyes good naturedly, and Gabriel blushed some more.

“Uh, Raph’s fine. She texts every once in a while, but we aren’t… dating, or anything.” Wow, Gabriel, smooth, he thought to himself. “Her mom and I have a bit of a thing, if I say so myself, though!”

They laughed together, and Gabriel melted at the sound of Dean’s laugh. Beautiful.

Unfortunately, the sound of a car horn broke through their laughter, and Gabriel realized with a start that his taxi had finally arrived.

“Oh, shit. That’s for me; Crowley’s expecting me back for dinner. See you, I—what are you doing?” Dean had grabbed Gabriel’s hand to scribble down his phone number, and he looked at Gabe like he wanted to say a lot more.

“How long are you here?”

“Next couple days,” Gabriel replied. He grabbed his bag and started towards the impatient cabbie, but Dean took Gabriel’s clean hand before he could get in the cab.

“Let’s have coffee, before you go? Just… text me when you can, okay?” Gabriel nodded, maybe a bit too enthusiastically.

“Yeah. See you around, Dean.” That time, Dean took Gabriel’s face in his hands and kissed his cheek before opening the door for him. Gabriel, face on fire, mumbled his thanks and stumbled into the car.

\---

“Call him, you fool,” Crowley snapped from Gabriel’s doorway. Gabriel himself jumped up from his bed, fell, and smacked his head on his nightstand. Of course, Crowley just giggled.

“Fuck you, Crowley,” Gabriel moaned. He sat up with a grimace and rubbed the back of his head.

“Really, you’ve always had the worst luck,” Crowley said softly, and he settled next to Gabriel on the floor.

“You don’t have to remind me, asshat. Why were you creeping in my doorway, anyway?”

Crowley rolled his eyes, but he leaned against Gabriel in his own, weirdly supportive way. “I wasn’t creeping, love. You just didn’t notice me standing and watching you stare at your cell phone for ten minutes straight.”

“That is totally creeping.”

“You’re avoiding the point.”

“Am I?”

“Gabriel,” Crowley mumbled, and Gabriel shut his mouth guiltily. “I am so happy that you’re here, even if it’s for your brother’s sickly sweet wedding that I was too sick to come to, and even if I’m pissed that said brother hardly acknowledged you. I love spending time with you, especially if it means annoying Bobby by spending some time out of the house. But damn it Gabriel, you need some closure!”

Gabriel realized that Crowley was legitimately upset, but he didn’t really know why or what to do about it. Crowley hardly ever got visibly upset, and when he did, he tended to explode. So, Gabriel wound up awkwardly hugging him.

“God, you suck at comforting.”

“I know.”

There was a short silence, in which Gabriel and Crowley transitioned to lay next to each other on Gabe’s shitty hotel bed.

“I’ll call him,” Gabriel offered quietly. He truly hated to upset Crowley, no matter the circumstance. Crowley sat up to look down on Gabriel appraisingly. After a few seconds, he nodded.

“Do. I need to call my boyfriend and get some work done with Michael, honeymoons be damned. Don’t be too loud with your phone sex; I’m only in the other room!” Crowley got up and ran before Gabriel could throw anything at him, giggling all the way.

Gabriel sighed and gave up chasing Crowley before he even started. Crowley was right. He deserved closure, but Gabriel couldn’t help but wish he hadn’t come, or at least for the wedding to have been put off to some rational, warm month. Lucifer, however, was excruciatingly impatient. Gabriel buried his face in the stiff pillow. He remembered how the conversations regarding between he and his twin went pretty well, if only because they were both a little emotional.

When Lucifer had gotten engaged, the first thing he’d done was call Gabriel. He’d been crying on the phone, asking Gabriel if it was too soon, or if Michael would even love him in a week, a month, a year, ten. Gabe’s job had been to soothe his twin and make him promise to wait a while before actually getting married.

Four months later, he got a call saying that the wedding would be in December, so everyone in school could come too. They’d had a screaming fight about it that’d left Gabriel sick to his stomach, but in the end, he’d agreed to come.

Of course, he ignored me, Gabriel thought, but he shooed it away. He hadn’t expected Lucifer to want to be with him while Michael was there, and they hadn’t had any bridesmaids or whatever the hell you call male bridesmaids.

With a final sight, Gabriel picked up the phone and dialed.

\---

The next day found Gabriel tapping his fingers at a table in a coffee shop. Internally, he whined that it was far too early to get up, even for coffee. Externally, however, Gabriel smiled politely at the waitress and informed her that he was waiting for someone.

In his head, Gabriel worried idly that Dean wouldn’t show, but even he knew that Dean would come. He wasn’t stupid; Dean wanted to talk to him. He’d sounded enthusiastic enough on the phone, after all.

The bell above the door jingled, and Gabriel looked up to smile at Dean right as Dean caught sight of him. He grinned and all but ran to sit by Gabriel.

“Hey,” he said, just a little breathless, which Gabriel assumed had something to do with the fact that it was cold outside.

“Hey yourself, Dean-o. Care to tell me why we’re having coffee at ass o’clock in the morning?” Gabriel asked As Dean laughed, Gabriel went back to tapping his fingers. It’d become a nervous habit in the past few months.

“We’re here because I figured we could spend the whole day together,” Dean started, and Gabriel’s mouth dropped open. “If you want to! We don’t have to if you’re busy, or—“

“No!” Gabriel interjected. Dean stopped fidgeting, and Gabriel cursed himself for having no filter. “I mean, no, I’m not busy, and I’d love to spend the day with you.” Gabriel knew he was blushing intensely, so he decided to shut his mouth before he inevitably sounded more stupid. Dean just smiled softly and stared at Gabriel.

“Awesome. So… How’s Loki?”

For a second, Gabriel was confused, but he remembered his vague, infrequent mentions of his Norwegian friend in the journal. So he really did read it, he thought to himself. Outwardly, he shrugged.

“Pretty good. He and I spend weekends hanging out when we both have time off work. How’ve Sam and Cas been?”

“Sam’s considering taking his girlfriend—you know Jess, right?” Gabriel nodded. “Well, he wants to take her with us when we go vacationing next summer, so he’s been trying to raise money and convince her parents and shit. He bugs me about how I shoulda called you and stuff,” Dean mumbled. Both boys blushed, and Gabriel waved his hand for Dean to go on.

“Uh, Cas is alright. He’s been busy studying a lot, since it’s our last year in school and all.”

There seem to be a lot of awkward pauses, Gabriel thought. As Dean finished talking, he really didn’t have much to say, so he hummed softly, and they fell into an awkward silence.

“Uh, do you want to go for a walk?” Dean asked, standing and offering a hand to Gabriel. He nodded and took Dean’s hand, giving Dean a shy smile that was returned without hesitation. “Cool. Where do you wanna go?”

Gabriel thought for a minute, and figured they could probably spend the whole day just walking and talking together, but he was also really hungry. “Can we go grab some breakfast?”

Dean laughed and ruffled Gabriel’s hair, leaving Gabriel to protest and fix it. “Sure we can! I know a good place pretty close by.”

Together, they walked out of the coffee shop, hand in hand. Outside, Dean stopped. At least it’s stopped snowing, Gabriel thought, but his train of thought was derailed when Dean brought their hands up to kiss Gabriel’s knuckles. Dean laughed again, loudly and unabashed. “God, I missed you! You’re fucking cute when you blush.”

“Hey! Shut the fuck up; I am not cute!”

“Are too! Now, let’s hang a left; it’s faster.” Gabriel nodded, and the two of them made their way to breakfast.

\---

In Gabriel’s humble opinion, standing under a streetlamp in the dark while it snowed with his crush was the best thing that had ever happened to him. Curled under Dean’s arm, he was warm and very, very content, practically purring.

“Hey, Gabe? Is that your hotel over there?”

And, moment over, Gabriel thought. Dean was right; his hotel was across the street, and Crowley was definitely going to be waiting to hear the whole story, since he’d decided to stay with Gabriel in a hotel for a week.

“Yeah, that’s my hotel. You wanna walk me in or no?” Gabriel couldn’t help but hope that Dean would come with him, despite the fact that it would just be out of his way.

“Well, I’ve walked this far, haven’t I? Come on, let’s get you inside,” Dean said with a smile, and they crossed the street to stand in front of the hotel. There was another awkward silence for a minute, and Gabriel rubbed the back of his neck.

“Uh, thanks for a great date—day, I meant day, sorry.” Gabriel barely managed to stumble through a sentence without messing it up, and his face was burning. At least it wasn’t like Dean could see. “I had a really good time.”

Dean smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. He almost looked sad.

“Yeah, no, I mean… God, me too. I had an awesome day with you, too.” Dean looked unsure for a second, his eyes flickering between Gabriel and the ground, but then he pulled Gabriel into a tight hug. The shorter of the two leaned into Dean with a sigh, and Gabriel let himself be held. Then Dean let go. “See you later, Gabe.”

The smile fell right off Gabriel’s face when he realized that that was it; Dean was walking away and he couldn’t really do anything about it. He forced a smile back on and waved over his shoulder as he walked into the building. He was determined to keep his back to Dean, so he wouldn’t have to see him being pathetic.

Gabriel got back to his room in only a minute, choosing to take the stairs and run up them two at a time. It wasn’t a good idea, considering that he could hardly see through tears, but he figured he’d had worse ideas. Sure enough, Crowley was pouring himself a glass of some alcoholic beverage. When he saw the state Gabriel was in, his face shifted from smug to furious.

“What the ever-loving hell did he do to you? I swear to fucking God, I will murder him if he so much as—“

“Crowley, I had a great day.” Crowley stopped talking, and Gabriel wiped his eyes on his sleeve.

“What? Then what’s that about?” Crowley asked, gesturing vaguely at Gabriel’s face. Gabriel rolled his eyes.

“I don’t know; I just didn’t realize that… God, I don’t know, Crowley, I’m just crying.” Gabriel realized it was true; he didn’t know why he was crying.

“Tell me the whole thing, darling. I’m here to listen to you.” Crowley took Gabriel’s arm and walked him to the couch. They both took a minute to settle and calm down, and then Gabriel took a deep breath.

“So we met up at the coffee shop in the morning, like I told you, and then he told me he wanted to spend the day with me, so I was like sure; I mean, if your crush asks you to spend the day with them you just do, y’know? Anyway, we went on a walk and got breakfast and stuff, and then we walked around and explored for a while, and we had a big snowball fight, and we listened to street performers, and we had a really, really good time, Crowley. We did! But… but…” Gabriel dissolved into tears all over again, and Crowley held him to his chest.

Gabriel didn’t understand what just happened between them at all. At first, he’d thought it was a date, since Dean knew Gabriel liked him, but they hadn’t really done anything super romantic except hold hands. Hell, Gabriel didn’t even know if Dean still liked him like he used to. Maybe he was the only one who still had a crush, and Dean only wanted to be friends.

“Gabriel, hush. It’s going to be fine, alright? You’ll be okay, darling. Everything is going to be okay, I promise.” Crowley soothed his best friend as best he could, and Gabriel just tried to hear what he was saying and tell himself it was true. He didn’t even know why he was so upset, he just was, and he figured that if he had to be emotional with anyone, it’d be Crowley. After several minutes of being held and crying, Gabriel wound up falling into a fitful sleep.

\---

“What the hell do you mean you have a Skype call with Michael in twenty minutes? I have to get to the damn airport!” Gabriel angrily paced the hotel room floor, looking up every now and then to glare at Crowley. The Brit shrugged helplessly.

“I don’t have to power to change when my important business meetings are!”

“And I don’t have the power to change my flight’s take off time, or even call a fucking taxi! Oh my god, I’m going to miss my flight, and Mom is going to murder me!” Crowley looked guilty and frustrated, but before he could say anything back, there was a knock on the door.

Gabriel stomped over and threw open the door, but his shouts died on his lips when he saw Dean Winchester, standing with a bouquet of all different colored roses.

“Hey Gabriel, I just wanted to stop by and say that it was good to see you and stuff, so uh… these are for you,” Dean stammered out, and both of them pointedly ignored Crowley smirking in the background.

“Oh! Wow, um… Thanks, Dean, they’re beautiful, but unless I can get a ride to the--wait! I got it!” Gabriel grabbed the flowers in one hand and Dean’s hand in the other, and he kneeled on the floor. “Please, please, please give me a ride to the airport! I’m gonna miss my flight if I don’t’ leave right now!”

Dean looked everywhere but at Gabriel, but he nodded anyway. “Yeah, I’ll give you a ride. Where’s your stuff?”

“Hell yes!” Gabriel kissed Dean’s hand and scrambled to his feet, shoving bags at Dean and carrying as much as he could to the door. “Okay, that’s all of it! I can never thank you enough!” Dean smiled and picked up all the bags that Gabriel couldn’t carry.

“No problem. Let’s get a move on, then.”

Crowley cleared his throat loudly, and Gabriel scrambled over to kiss him hard. They pulled away from each other with smiles.

“Love ya, Crowley! I’ll call you when I touch down, kay?”

“Love you too, darling. Take care of him, Dean.” Dean swallowed hard and nodded; Crowley could be a terrifying ass when he wanted to be, and he always wanted to be when Gabriel’s safety was concerned.

“Come on, Dean! I have to go!”

“Right! Let’s go!” With that, the two of them ran out the door and scrambled to Dean’s car.

The car ride was loud, if only because Dean blared classic rock and Gabriel screamed at traffic, but it was what they both preferred. By the time they got to the airport, both of them were laughing and having a really great time, even if they had to run to get Gabriel’s ticket and bags squared away. 

They reached the gate together, right as the plane was being boarded, and Gabriel struggled with the idea of leaving when he wouldn’t see Dean again for a long time. Come on Gabriel, he thought, don’t be a kid. You have to get going.

“Thank you so much Dean, for everything. I had a really great time catching up with you this week…” Gabriel shuffled his feet, even though he knew he should be running to catch the damn plane. He knew that he had to go, but he just couldn’t walk away, not with Dean standing there.

“No problem, Gabe. It was… You’re… Uh… God damn it!” Dean threw up his hands, and, with no further ado, held Gabriel’s face in his hands and kissed him with the passion of a dying man. Gabriel smiled into the kiss, and couldn’t help but think that he finally got what he wanted. Somewhere behind them, there was a wolf whistle, but neither cared. They only pulled apart when the last call for Gabriel’s plane blared over the intercom. Dean didn’t let go of Gabriel at all, but he pulled back, to Gabriel’s serious annoyance.

“You should go; your plane is about to leave.”

Gabriel knew Dean was right, and he knew that he’d gotten what he wanted. He sighed and leaned up to peck his cheek. “You better call me, asshole.”

“Done. I’ll come out for Easter Break.” Dean leaned down to kiss his lips, slower and deeper than the first one. Gabriel’s brain was turned to mushy bliss.

“You—you better! I love you, Dean Winchester,” he breathed against Dean’s lips, and Dean gave him one last kiss before shoving him toward the gate.

“Yeah, yeah! Love you too, idiot! Now you better run!”

And Gabriel ran with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's all from me, but only for now. I have GISHWHES next week, and I start high school in a little under a month, so I'll likely be absent for a little while, but when I get back to writing, I hope to see all of you again. Thanks for everything, and this is me, signing off.


End file.
